Helly's Belly

I'm proud to say I'm (almost) FIFTY YEARS OLD!!

2012-02-02T17:34:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiehDcVZ-vA

LOL, I love that video...I'm going to post it as my Facebook status on Saturday (when I actually turn 5-0).

Anyway...

Last week we were in Ski Town for a week vacation and we are leaving tomorrow for a 3-day weekend holiday for my 50th. Weight hanging tough at about 18 lbs less than last year at this time. Still have some holiday lbs to lose before getting to my pre-Xmas lowest of the low weight. I brought my scale on vacation to keep it real and it really helped.

With the BIG birthday, I've been very reflective this week. Most of all, I've realized how my life has changed in the past 10 years. 10 years ago, I had tons of what I thought were really good friends. My friends were really my life. I look at the photos from my 40th b-day weekend and I am not good friends with almost any of the same people anymore. And, this week, I realized that the people who are my friends now are, by and large, flakes. Why is it now acceptable to be a flake? It depresses me because it makes me feel like I'm not important to my friends.

I have invited my closest friends to a special dinner on my birthday. Some are so flakey that I have no idea who will show up. I am feeling like I should have spent the money to bring the PDs and the grandkids and my mom with us, rather than doing a nice dinner for friends.

Life is different now. I love my life then AND now (despite flakey friends). :-)

'Tis the season

2011-12-22T16:27:00.000-08:00

I get really emotional in December...I haven't quite figured out why, but I find myself just so darn HAPPY...like a kid waiting for Christmas. And I also get a little weepy sometimes when I get reflective about the year that has past...

This Christmas we will be having PD1 and three of her kids with us for Christmas. And this leads me to finally write about the lowest of lows that happened this year. You all know that the highest of highs was our wedding. What you don't know is that two weeks before we left for the wedding, we learned that our oldest granddaughter, Princess, was being molested by her stepdad (father of PD1's other three kids). Four months after that horrible day, it makes me sick to type that. When I got the call from DB, I couldn't stop crying. It is the worst thing I have been through since my dad died.

PD1 got all her kids out of the house as soon as she learned about this. She took Princess to the cops. They interviewed Princess and believed her. The next day, PD1 threw The Molester out of the house. The day after that, we took all four kids for a week so PD1 could do all the work necessary to get herself into the social services system (she hasn't worked outside the home in about 8 years and is completely without income without The Molester to support her). We got her a very good attorney for the paternity action (they were never married, thank goodness!).

It is a very long story, but the DA ultimately declined to prosecute (it's her word against his) although it appears that Child Protective Services will issue a report soon in which the charges will be deemed "substantiated". This will help minimize the visitation he gets with his kids. By the way, I don't understand why he gets any, but that's another story...

In October, the court ordered him to get 2 hours supervised visitation per week. DB and I are the authorized supervisors along with his mom. So, every other weekend, we have to see his ugly false face and pretend not to hate him with all our hearts while he enjoys being with his kids. In the past months, I have come to the decision that this is one of the cases where kids would really be better off without a dad than with him. But that's, unfortunately, not my decision.

Of course, this is all a mess for Princess...she has to be in the car when her brothers and sister are ferried to this...person. She is getting some therapy, but since the family is on public assistance, it's not a lot. However, her whole demeanor changed when this all came out. She had become withdrawn the past year or so and we all noticed, but put it down to adolescence (she's almost 12). As soon as The Molester was out of the house, her normal sunny disposition was back. This, maybe more than anything, makes me know that she is telling the truth. My sweet Princess is back. :-)

This whole thing has brought up a lot for me because I was molested as a little girl too. Not by a family member and I never told anyone about it until I was in my 30s. I had blocked it out completely. I am proud that my Princess was brave enough to tell. I am proud that my PD1 believed her and has shown such great strength in the past months. I know that it will all be ok. But nothing will ever be the same.

So, now, on the eve of Christmas, Princess is in the Midwest with her dad and his family and we will have PD1 and the other three kids at our house for Christmas. I would be lying if I said I wasn't EXTREMELY excited about this. Since I never had kids of my own, I never got to play Santa. That will all change this year and I can't wait! We will have four generations in our house: my mom, DB and me, PD1 and the kids. It will be wonderful.

I have had the privilege of being treated like a parent by PD1 through this whole nightmare. It warms my heart when she refers to DB and me as her "parents". I went with her to her last court date...it was hard, but it felt good to be there to support her. I so much want to give her a good "mother" experience since she has never had that from her real mom. It's not easy though...DB is giving her money to supplement her public assistance since she hasn't been able to find a job yet (even though the public assistance is actually more than The Molester was giving her to live on...we've learned so many ugly things about him...she was skipping meals last year so the kids would have enough, for example)...and we talk about how we can encourage her to get more and more independent.

On top of all this, I am maintaining my weight loss and am about 20 pounds less than I was last year at this time. That feels really good.

And my husband is the best man on earth. I am a lucky Mrs. Santa.

So, all in all, life is good...happy holidays to all!

Thankful

2011-11-23T13:59:00.000-08:00

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. ~William Arthur Ward

On the eve of my favorite holiday, topping my list of the things for which I am thankful this year:

- Beautiful DB. Husband, lover, friend, partner, playmate, The One. Every year is better. I am aware of it and I try to make sure he feels it always.

- My mommy. So happy that she is healthy and will be joining us tonight through Friday for our celebration.

- NYC family. I missed seeing them this year, but am so looking forward to a long visit next summer for our next wedding. My sister will be my matron of honor -- 25 years after I was hers. :-)

- PD1 and PD2. Such amazing women who I am allowed to pretend are my daughters. They are in my heart.

- 6 grandkids. Each and every one a joy to me in so many ways. The smiles (and hugs) they give tickle my heart.

- Dear darling friends. I am blessed with a plethora and some will be with us tomorrow to celebrate, yay!

- My job. After 18 years, it is still challenging and I work for and with the most amazing people.

- My house. With the economy as it is, I count myself extremely blessed to still have our house. Although home is wherever I'm with DB, it's nice to have the house we have now.

- My yoga. I write enough about that here so no more details necessary.

- My lower weight. Today I weigh 12 pounds less than I did on Thanksgiving morning last year and 2 pounds less than the year before (when I last was in a good range). I am grateful to me for making this a priority this year.

There is so much more...I am lucky and my heart is full.

May anyone reading this feel the same joy I do...Happy Thanksgiving!

Hovering in a lower range

2011-11-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

By last Saturday, the scale actually showed a pound and a half below my previous low so I had broken new territory for a few days in a row. This, of course, feels great. I, however, have trouble resisting weekend treats all the time. Most weekends are pretty good, but...

We went to a birthday party last Saturday night for one of our best friends which morphed into an engagement party for a couple we know well who had just gotten engaged that morning. The party started at 8:30 so we went out to dinner at my new favorite place where I can get a good dinner of protein (amazing deviled eggs) and delicious veggies (a kale salad and brussels sprouts which make my mouth water). DB and I felt good after dinner -- we remarked that we were full, but not too full. Then we went to the party.

I figured there wouldn't be a lot of food since it was so late (which is why we ate before). I was soooo wrong. There was a ton of food. And the food at this friend's house is always always bad (again, a reason I had eaten before...just in case). I ate too much. I had salty chips and cheese and a few crackers. I managed to stop myself before diving into the cake, but it was too late. Sunday morning, my scale showed a gain of 5 pounds since Saturday morning. :-(

Now, you and I both know that this happens with me fairly frequently. I can put on a huge amount of lbs in just day. They come off quickly, but not as quickly as they go on. DB and I made a bet about just how long it would take for them to be gone. We both lost (he said Monday, I said Wednesday). This morning I am still a pound over what I was last Saturday morning.

It's amazing how fast my sabotage causes damage and how slow I am to recover. I'm not mad about this...just trying to become aware so maybe, more often, I will stop before my hand lands on that salty chip.

The good news is that:

- people continue to remark at how "skinny" I am getting.

- a friend gave me a pair of jeans the other night that are gorgeous and I said "well, these will fit me soon". I went home and they fit (I could wear them, but they are tight). They will be awesome in 5 more pounds. They are the size I was when I was at my best (10), not skinniest (6 or 8 -- which, for me, is too thin).

- when I have these UP days, the high weight is a LOT less than my low weight used to be so I'm hovering in a lower range.

:-)

New low (by a teeny bit)

2011-11-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

After a surge of weight on the scale during Halloween weekend (too many carbs), today the scale officially is lower than it has been since I started this part of my journey back in 2006. I am 0.8 pounds lower than my lowest back at Halloween 2009. Yay! I have been wondering what's going on that's making this finally (apparently) happen...more on that later.

I am so happy that I weigh myself every day and write it down no matter what. Because of that, I know that I maintained my previous low for a grand total of one day and never saw that weight on the scale again until yesterday. Nevertheless, I did manage to keep within 10 pounds of that weight for about a year. Then the scale started to creep up. As you may remember, I tried from about last December through May to lose the (almost 20) pounds I had gained to no avail. In May, I made some tiny dietary changes, started some new supplements and medication and the weight started to come off. Since August, I have mostly been maintaining within a few pounds (up) of what I weighed before the wedding. My weight this morning is merely 2 pounds below my pre-wedding weight. But, psychologically, since this is a new low, it's big to me.

Why is this happening? I was just talking with DB this morning about why I think the scale has started to inch downward again for me and he said (in a complimentary way): "you are always working to figure this stuff out". Yes, I am. And I try to be mindful of even the smallest changes in my exercise, diet, medication. I have to be. I don't have the luxury of just eating whatever I "want" like some people do (and, yes, there are those people -- DB is one to some extent). I am not SURE yet what is happening...one low day is not enough to make me go crazy...but I think there is something happening. My current guess? From May, when I started my early morning yoga and morning (rather than evening) showering, I have been careless about doing my estradiol cream in the evenings. I noticed during the past month or so that I have been waking up hot in the night and I figured that was because of skipping my evening dose. So, during the last week, I have concentrated on taking it again. I am sleeping much better and, perhaps, this regained balance in my system is allowing my body to shed some more lbs. We'll see.

This week is also (as my assistant put it this morning) "Helen's New Dress Week". In the past month, I realized that, while all of my clothes now fit or are too big, I am totally sick of my work clothes. I don't think I have bought substantially anything new for work in maybe 8 years. So I have been shopping a few times the past few weeks -- determined to buy things that don't just fit, but look good on me too. It has been hard -- I am used to buying something if it fits and I like the color or style regardless of how it looks on ME. I have now gotten three new dresses that fit those criteria and have started wearing my older smaller work clothes again (so they feel like new) and I feel pretty this week. Feeling pretty feels good. My mood is fantastic. :-)

One more fun thing: I have become totally addicted to curry and think this will be a huge winter go-to dinner staple. Some friends brought us back a special curry powder from a recent trip to Indiana (go figure!) and it's AMAZING. I heat up some ghee in a skillet, add a bunch of curry powder, then saute veg for a bit (I use cauliflower, green beans, onions, red pepper and mushrooms), then add a little lite coconut milk and cook until the veg are cooked through. Then I add some frozen chicken breast cutlets on top. They cook in about 10 minutes and, voila, yummy one-pot dinner. Plus this powder has a slightly sweet kind of cinnamon taste that feels (and smells up the house) like fall/winter to me. YUM. We use leftovers in our egg product scrambles the next morning(s).

Finally, yoga continues to make my body feel more itself. I feel the effects just walking around. Posture is better. Muscles are stronger. Attitude is happier.

So, despite some continuing challenges with our family (yes, I know I haven't written about it...someday), I feel good. :-)

Big NSV

2011-10-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Today I am wearing a pair of absolutely gorgeous Donna Karan leather pants that I think I have not been able to wear in at least 8 years (since before I quit smoking -- and even before I met DB!). They are a teeny bit tight, but they are comfy enough to wear all day and tonight (going to see Roger Daltrey do Tommy tonight). Whooo hooo. So glad I didn't toss these...I kept all my old rock n roll leather since it's lovely and expensive.

Funnily, the scale is still not going down. But everyone still thinks I am losing. Maybe again soon... ;-)

Shorty about maintaining

2011-10-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

For the past month (since before The Wedding), I have been maintaining, not losing. Maintaining on me looks like a few pounds up, a few pounds down every week. I tend to go up on the weekend and down during the week when my diet and exercise are more rigid. I don't love this, but I am happy that, at least, I am still at my lower weight range and in most of my skinniest clothes (on good days). I still want to get to a range 5-10 pounds below where I am, but we'll see when that happens.

The funny thing is that people (many of whom see me every day) continue to remark on how much weight I am "losing". Since my scale doesn't lie, I think it must be that yoga is redistributing how I carry the weight. When I am full-on into my yoga practice like I am now, my posture is better, my tummy is flatter, etc. Even I see the changes...but weight not going down. And this is, while not ideal, fine.

Most of life is maintenance, so I think it's a darn good thing to have a handle on. :-)

Handfuls of salty, carby treats and eating at home

2011-09-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

I don't know what came over me last weekend. I usually have a LOT of discipline when it comes to what I can and cannot eat...if I have something "bad", it's usually only a little and I get right back on the wagon. But last weekend, I completely lost it with Salty, Carby Treats. And I paid the price.

Saturday night we were at a party and there were bowls of chips and other SCTs. For some reason (probably drinking too much), I ate HANDFULS of them. Not only did I not stop, it didn't really occur to me to stop. Yikes. The next morning, in addition to a hangover (which I almost never get), I had gained almost two pounds. I actually thought that I got off easy with that. And I did.

Then, on Sunday, I ate way more carbs than usual (pita with salad for brunch and low-carb low-fat frozen yogurt treat in the afternoon). Again, I don't know what came over me! But, even though I noticed that I was eating that stuff, I still ended up eating MORE: sushi (with rice) for dinner (although I skipped the soy sauce as I now do). And, the piece de resistance, when I knew I had really LOST it? At 10:30 pm when DB went across the street and bought a bag of tortilla chips...and we ate THE WHOLE THING. This was wrong on so many levels and I paid the price the next morning -- FOUR more pounds.

It has taken me all of this week to get those 4 off...so, yes, they were "water" weight, but that is still REAL pounds. I feel it....in my clothes and out of them.

It took me about 3 days to make the scale move down at all -- I was eating perfectly back on plan and exercising as usual, but we went out for dinner on Tuesday for a friend's birthday. As I usually do, I checked the menu before we went so I knew what I could order and stay "good"...this way, I don't look at the menu when I'm actually at the restaurant and hungry...it's one of my mechanisms for coping with my limitations. It was a Mexican place and I managed to not eat ANY chips (I think I've had my quota for a while!) or margaritas: had ceviche and salad with grilled chicken and a pinot grigio. It was tasty and I was satisfied. But, the scale still did not move the next day. And I am CERTAIN that it's because of SALT since the food itself was perfectly fine.

The scale started to move when ALL my meals were food I prepared. I am glad for my new awareness about the dangers of eating out...even when I choose food with good ingredients, it doesn't matter if they salt the heck out of it.

Eating out is part of our lifestyle...I just need to minimize it if I want to see the scale continue to move down. Oh yeah, and NO MORE HANDFULS OF SCTS!!!!!!! ;-)

Yogahhhhhhhh

2011-09-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

How do I love my yoga practice? Let me count the ways!

I marvel that I get up two days a week at 6:15 (this morning in the DARK) to go to yoga class. I have never done this...SO not a morning exercise person! But I love my current teacher so much that it is worth it -- when the alarm goes off, I hate it, but after I start my practice, I am so happy. In fact, I was thinking this morning that even if he taught at night (my preferred exercise time), I might keep up these early mornings instead...they have freed up my nights and I love that.

After practicing for years and years, I have done pretty much every kind of yoga there is. I have my favorites and my least favorites, but I've always thought for a person like me with my injury/body issues that Iyengar would be really nice to get to have on a consistent basis. Despite searching over the years, I never found a place to get that...until now. Yes, my teacher is Iyengar-based hatha yoga -- we work hard on specifics of placement and holding poses -- we do NOT do lots of "vinyasa" or "flow" (which is so popular in L.A. that you can almost find nothing else). It's not very woo-woo, but I have gotten enough of that in the past that I can breathe and meditate on my own during class without someone telling me what to do. What I cannot do is see myself (unless I look in the mirrors, which I try not to do)...and a good teacher is key to this. (This morning, in headstand, my feet were apparently doing something weird -- no way could I have seen it and I couldn't feel it even when Teacher moved my feet to the correct position -- I needed him to show me with his hands so I could SEE.)

What prompted my ahhhhh here? Last Saturday I went to my regular 1:15 class and (gasp!) my regular awesome teacher was not there and (gasp again!) the sub was the horrible teacher I tried once before and swore never again. I had met a friend and she said "do you want to just go and get a cup of coffee?". I declined because I really needed yoga -- whatever that was that day. And it was NOT what I like, what I needed or what I want. But I stuck it out. I sweated a lot. And it was yogaerobics, not yoga. I CAN do all the poses in the universe in an hour and 15 minutes without holding one for more than a few seconds, but I don't WANT to.

After that debacle, I decided I had to get on Teacher's mailing list so I wouldn't have such a disappointing experience again. I tracked him down through a new Facebook friend who is in my class. And, voila!, I am now saved. ;-)

I love yoga (when it's good...and sometimes even when it's bad) so much. I have time to empty my mind and focus on just being in my body. And, in addition to being quite a bit thinner than it was in May, my body is stronger and healthier. My knees and back are giving me almost no trouble (although I have to modify some poses). My disposition is, I think, much happier. And this feels like HOME.

[Side note: I gained about 4.5 pounds at Burning Man due to eating total crap for a week and it could have been A LOT worse. All but about 1.5 are already gone. I am reminded how important it is to get back on that wagon quickly after a vacation.]

Back from our first wedding

2011-09-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

It was perfect. Not perfect as in no flaws, but perfect like we are perfect for each other. It was non-traditional and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Here are some photos but the video is better -- e-mail me if you are not a friend on FB so haven't had access to the video.

Now for The Forever Honeymoon...and our next wedding next summer!!

The Numbers

2011-08-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

After two of the most stressful weeks ever (which I will write about someday), and racing off to Burning Man wedding, I had an appointment with my gyne this morning. The numbers speak for themselves (first number is May reading, second is early this week):

Estradiol: 53 (too low), 113.5 (great)
Progesterone: .6, .6 (both ok)
Testosterone: 35 (too low), 137 (too high -- explains irritability that DB has noticed)

Thyroid is still low (now T4 is 1.07, and it was 1.69) but better...heading toward healthy range.

MOST interesting though are the cholesterol and glucose results -- my doc said when she saw the results she said to herself "what is she doing?!" -- without further ado:

Cholesterol: 242 (bad), 186 (MUCH better -- now in healthy range)
Glucose (Hemoglobin Alc): 5.8 (bad), 5.0 (great)
eAG (estimated average

My good cholesterol also went up and bad went down.

My calcium is still too high, but I am continuing with less vitamin D so hopefully it will keep coming down too.

And, drum roll, please: I am down 20 pounds from my (brief) highest weight in May and a good solid 15 pounds less than the plateau that I was struggling with early this year. About 3 more pounds to go until I hit a new low (which, to be realistic, will not happen on vacation next week -- although I plan to be as careful as I can).

So -- red rice yeast, no yolks, cutting down on red meat, no cheese, and some other supplements REALLY seem to have worked.

Yay!

It's still working...and I'm still working it

2011-08-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

Each week lately I hit a "new low" for this phase of my journey with weight. It's usually at the end of the week and early in the week I "gain" back a bit. But the trend remains downward, week after week. I am so happy that I have been writing my weight down every day for a few years...it lets me see the patterns...and how they change.

Almost all the clothes in my closet fit and look good. At my current weight, I feel and look healthy. 10 or 15 pounds more than this, I don't. I wore a pair of jeans last Friday that I haven't worn in over a year and that felt really good. I have also worn some things that have NEVER fit (because I bought them too small...thinking I'd keep losing...and didn't).

I am 5 pounds or so above my lowest weight from October 2009. And, yes, I would like to lose those 5 pounds too and 5 more for good measure.

I am more fit than I was a few years ago, I think. I feel strong and graceful getting back into my Yoga Body. I still am getting up at an hour I never have before (voluntarily) for yoga twice a week (class starts at 6:45). Getting up is hard, but once I am there I am so happy.

Trying on my wedding dresses (I have 14 -- two for each day of Burning Man -- my art project = me = The Bride!), my arms look toned and strong. And wedding dresses are seemingly engineered to look and fit better than any clothes I have ever worn before -- I swear I look, well, beautiful in every one! What fun!

I am still going to therapy but am considering quitting -- the One Big Thing that I wanted to deal with doesn't seem to be coming up with this therapist. Some weeks it is useful, but mostly I feel like I'm wasting time and money.

We are heavily into pre-Burning Man preps, but I think we will be good and ready by the time we leave on August 28. It will be a special year, for sure! DB and I are determined to stay healthy.

I go in for blood work and gyne appointment the week before we leave. I am excited (and hopeful) that the meds, supplements and small dietary changes that I have made show in the blood work. Right now, I am using my scale as a gauge of health -- seeing my weight go down the past couple of months with minimal diet and exercise changes has made me realize what a useful tool it is for that. I should have known earlier this year when my weight was weird and I couldn't fix it that something else in my system was too.

Work continues exceedingly busy...but I am taking deep breaths and trying to remain calm! ;-)

A friend signed off an e-mail recently with something I really love and am going to start to use:

If anything can go well, it will.

Two pieces of body/weight knowledge reinforced

2011-07-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

The colonoscopy turned out fine. Doc was very happy that I had cleaned out for two days ahead of time instead of just one. I was too because it made the "prep" much less unpleasant. I had one polyp that he is sure is ok and it was removed (they biopsy it anyway). Now, here are the two things reinforced:

1. All calories are not created equal. I am certain that I "ate" less calories in my two prep days than I normally do. But they were all sugar and/or salt liquids (even though I tried to stay low sodium and lower carb). Did I lose weight? No. I actually "gained" a couple of pounds which are still lingering. I have no doubt that they will melt away after a couple of days back to my normal low-carb, low-sodium eating. So, if you think it's just a matter of calories, I say it's not. Food composition is, in my opinion and my experience, equally important.

2. Everybody's body is different. DB made the same anesthesia choice as I did. He was awake and ready to eat on the way home from his procedure. I was woozy and unhungry for HOURS after I was awake. I literally could not make my brain work to do any work that afternoon from home (as I had planned). Felt fine the next day, but the day Of? Nope. My body processed the anesthesia differently. I extrapolate this to most everything with how individual's bodies work -- there may be similarities, but it's important to know YOUR body and listen to it.

Fun yoga thing: this morning in class, the teacher said "hey, look back here, this is a perfect plank hiding in the back of class". Yes, that was me. I felt good because I work on form HARD. And that is something that this teacher really works on too. Of course, we're all perfect, but I still felt kinda extra-perfect today. ;-)

Going away this weekend for three days for our last pre-wedding anniversary (7 years on Saturday).

Quick prep update

2011-07-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

First to Sharla: my gyne recommends Designs for Health brand and I use them quite a lot. Your doc can set you up with an account and you can buy direct from their website although my acupuncture doc also carries it if I need to pick up locally.

Interesting colonoscopy prep observation: I usually do not eat a lot of salt or sugar. Pretty much the only calories on this liquid diet prep are from sugar and, unless you are REALLY careful, the broth you buy is VERY salty (what I bought at a regular store for DB last week had like 100% of RDA in one box). Starting on liquid yesterday, "eating" these things I am not used to anymore, I noticed that the first taste wakes up my taste buds like "wow, a party in my mouth", but after about 3 sips, I literally cannot taste the flavor of the "food" AT ALL. It kills my taste buds. So, no, this is not fun. ;-)

I don't love the sugar spikes either...but I've got to have something in my system because I am used to eating every few hours and get nauseous and weak if I don't.

For those of you doing prep in future, try the Trader Joe's low sodium broth: it's got less than 1/5 of the regular grocery store's sodium and, otherwise, the nutrition information is identical. I'm looking forward to that for lunch and dinner.

The changes are still working

2011-07-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

I still don't know which of the meds or supplements is the thing (or things) that kicked my body back headed to a more comfortable weight, but it's still working and so I'm happy!

Tomorrow I start my clean-out for my first colonoscopy...oh fun! DB had his last week and it was no big deal because he started cutting out hard foods a day early so I'm going to do the same thing. My body is ready for a cleanse so I'm actually kind of looking forward to it even though the only (all liquids) things I can eat over the next couple of days seem to have a lot of sugar or salt. DB didn't lose a single pound during his process so I'm just going to be happy to stay the same.

Today I reached a new low for this last couple of years...just a few more pounds until I'm at my all-time low from October 2009...less than last year at this time so that feels good. I am happy I write down my weight every day...it really helps.

Laura asked about supplements. I love them and take a lot...so, here's my list, with NO recommendations for ANYONE else...this is just what I do each day:

women's multi with low iron (I get overloaded on iron easily)
vitamin C (builds immune system)
berberine (helps body process glucose)
alpha lipoic acid (ditto -- powerful antioxidant)
glucosamine/chondroitin/MSM (joints)
vitamin D (hmmm...all docs say to take this now...I was taking too much, so have halved)
DIM (helps body process bio-identical hormones)
cranberry (protects from urinary infections to which I am prone)
ubiquinol (helps liver process the red rice yeast, which is a statin)
(and, at night) red rice yeast (cholesterol)

I've noted above what I think each helps...your mileage may vary. And, of course, am taking the natural thyroid prescription.

I'm excited to get my blood tests next month to see if this all shows up in the blood as well as on the scale.

Yoga feels so good -- I can't believe I'm getting up so early twice a week for ANYTHING. My yoga body is coming back. Showing someone a photo of my wedding gown (strapless) yesterday, they said "wow, you have a great upper body". YOGA, BABY!

And it goes on...

Finally taking a few minutes to catch up here

2011-07-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

And there's A LOT to catch up on over the past month so this is going to be in list-form and not elegantly phrased (no time to edit, just typing away to get things down before too much time has passed and I forget things):

Weight loss: I am down between 10 and 13 pounds from the highest weight in the range I've been in for the last 6-8 months. How and why did this happen after SO MUCH trying and frustration? I changed my diet VERY little since getting the medical results at the end of May: stopped egg yolks and cut down on meat and animal products (goodbye cheese and morning turkey bacon). I added a veggie (onion, mushroom and/or whatever remnants are in the fridge) to my morning egg product. But, MOSTLY, I think it's something that I've added: either the thyroid medication or the supplements to help my body digest (specifically glucose) better. I even managed to keep my weight in the lower range over vacation. I like seeing the scale go down. Or even hover in a lower range.

Yoga: I'm very addicted now to my twice-weekly 6:45 am yoga class that I substituted for my twice-weekly nighttime gym workout. This is in addition to the Saturday class I've been taking for about 6 months. I am just totally loving this teacher and this class -- you know it's true because I am SO not a get-up-early-and-exercise person! It's wonderful to feel my yoga-body coming back. I get stronger every day. So I miss 45 minutes of sleep twice a week...it's worth it!

The Big News: DB and I are planning a couple of weddings. Oh yeah, you knew that one wouldn't be enough for us! ;-) While we have considered ourselves married for years, when we heard the Burning Man art theme for this year was "Rites of Passage", we started thinking about having a wedding. And, when we realized that a lot of our family and friends couldn't or wouldn't make the time and money commitment to go to BM, we decided we'd have another wedding next year too. This is perfect because I so cannot decide on just ONE wedding dress! I've been ebay shopping like crazy and am planning to wear (short, cute) wedding dresses and veils EVERY DAY at BM this year. It's my costume: The Bride. You wouldn't believe how cheap you can get GORGEOUS dresses on ebay. Anyway, the one next year will probably be at the lake that we went to on vacation with the PDs and their families in mid-June (near Yosemite). We loved it there and it's where we told our family about the weddings. My sister will be matron of honor and all the girls in the family (my niece, my PDs, my granddaughters will all be bridesmaids!). It's been fun to see everyone's reaction: ALL thrilled and excited.

Work: HORRIBLE heavy workload. Having a meeting in an hour to discuss with bosses what to do before I have a breakdown. I am not going to be modest: I am fantastic at my job and even my super-powers cannot handle the load right now. Thank goodness for therapy right now...although it takes time out of my workday that I do NOT have.

So...wedding on Sept. 1 at Burning Man...be there. :-)

Frustrated and depressed, but with sassy hair

2011-06-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

Hopefully, the above will be a photo of my sassy new hair. After the initial panic at how much she cut off, I kind of love it. :-)

I danced hard at Prince last Sunday night and got a great quad workout. I had my best weigh-in in AGES on Monday morning. By Thursday, the scale showed me up EIGHT pounds. I just do not think this is normal. I eat great, I exercise (although, after a great yoga week last week, I wasn't able to do yoga this week -- knee blew up after Prince-dancing -- my bad). But EIGHT pounds in four days? Seriously? The only bad thing that I ate that I don't normally was 5 cubes of pineapple and about 4 bites of birthday cake and ice cream on Wednesday night. THIS causes 8 pound weight-gain? Yes, I am depressed. I am angry and I am sad. I watch people eat scones, chips and other CRAP every day and no effect. I am mad that my body doesn't react the same way. It's not that I want to eat crap all the time, but I want to be able to eat something "bad" once in a while...maybe even once a week. I used to be able to do that and I apparently can't now.

I had therapy on Wednesday evening and it was good although we have not gotten into the weight thing yet.

I had a very interesting appointment with my acupuncture doctor this morning -- I am so lucky to have his insights to help me navigate my western docs! :-)

We went over all the (sometimes contradictory) test results I got from my gyne and my main MD this week:

Calcium: He agrees with MD that it is too high and it's probably caused by the high level of vitamin D I've been taking. He agrees that I should go down to 5K mg rather than 10K (which is what I have done, contrary to Gyne's recommendation that I maintain at 10K). Sounds like she should have checked my calcium when having me on such high doses of D. The calcium elevation could exacerbate the other heart-endangering things going on. And it's probably related to the thyroid stuff below too.

Glucose: He agrees with Gyne that it is too high (top "normal" level is 100 -- in range from 65-100 -- and I'm at 92) -- MD was totally unworried about that level. Acu Doc thinks the reading I got from MD on hemoglobin AIC (5.2) is wrong (Gyne's was 5.8, 6 is pre-diabetic). He agrees with the supplements Gyne told me to take and, contrary to what I planned, thinks I should take both unless I am going to cut out alcohol from my diet entirely (which I am not quite ready to do). Interestingly on booze -- he suggested vodka and tequila might be better than champagne. I told him I don't like that they make me drunk.

Cholesterol: It's up to 240 with bad cholesterol up to 152. :-( Probably exacerbated by all the other stuff going on. Acu Doc agrees with MC to cut out egg yolks and cheese and suggested cutting out red meat too (which I told him I have already done since getting these test results). MD is going to re-test me in two months.

Thyroid: Agrees with Gyne. TSH and T4 are apparently in acceptable range (although TSH has gone up which indicates the body is trying to stimulate the thyroid...unsuccessfully), but T3 (only tested by Gyne) is rock bottom. He says this means that the conversion from T4 to T3 is not working so agrees I should take the quarter grain of Naturthroid (which I started this week).

Weight: He thinks that my difficulty in getting it off despite nearly perfect diet is related to glucose and thyroid. I need to remember that challenges are opportunities for growth and SURRENDER to the fact that my body is different from others, i.e., I can't eat/drink/be-merry like others and still maintain my weight. This SUCKS, but I think he is right and I need to meditate on it to get peaceful, and not sad and angry, about it.

I told him that all this, along with my injured knee/back, etc., is really depressing me. He gave me a good pep talk -- I'm fixing these problems BEFORE they become problems unlike most people, etc. He says he has a lot of the same problems and understands...they happen to a lot of people as they age.

This is really a struggle for me on so many levels. But I keep trying. And this weekend, we have four of the grandkids coming to stay with us (yay!) so that will cheer me up.

My monthly round-up

2011-05-27T17:44:00.000-07:00

As Vickie has reminded me how long I have been absent here, I am dropping in with my monthly round-up of FB status updates for your reading pleasure:

April 28: The dog on Steve Carrell's Office finale looks like Doglet...and I'm feeling so nostalgic overall about this.

April 29: Prince for the second time in 6 nights? Heck, yeah!

April 29: Mint Condition opens...

April 30: Gorgeous summer-like day in our little beach town. A great day for some yoga and a pedi. :-)

April 30: Loving home. Where it's warm enough to sit in the yard in my jammies with the breeze in the trees, candles burning, chiminea later.

April 30: Sounds like all the neighbors are out enjoying the warm evening with us...not noisy, just sounds like happiness. And we've got a fragrant fire. And my sweetie is strumming guitar. Kinda bliss.

April 30: Smudging the 'hood.

May 2: I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. –Martin Luther King, Jr.

May 2: I hear my MLK quote was not MLK. However, I still completely believe what it said. Just wish i could give attribution to the actual author.

May 4: At this time of night it's vewy vewy quiet here...so I guess I have no choice but to go to sleep.

May 6: That's my Mommy! Happy Mother's Day! :-)

May 6: This week my sweetheart surprised me with gifts of music and art. I am an incredibly lucky woman. :-)

May 7: Time to get sassy! [I got my hair cut -- 12 inches plus to donate for wigs for people battling cancer -- done in honor of my friend who died last year. Hair is shorter than it has been since my early 20s and, after a brief freak-out, I kinda love it!]

May 7: On the way to City of Hope benefit at Universal Studios. :-) [This benefit was so much fun: we saw The Eagles play and then had the run of the park for free!]

May 8: Happy birthday to my sweet nephew, the fantastic superlative J!! I love you. :-)

May 9: Ouch ouch ouch. 4th day of leg, arm, head pains. I think it's a nerve in my back. :-(

May 13: Joshua Tree Music Fest, here I come!

May 14: Dr. Bronner's foam tub isn't just a bath, it's an amusement park ride! And I have a weekend pass. :-)

May 17: Celebrating The Friendaversary in The Bunker. [with our best "couple friends" while the rest of our house was having its floors redone]

May 18: Does anyone need a set of extra small dog booties (for paws about 2 1/2 X 2 1/2 inches)? Unused, but tried on so unreturnable. They're yours (free) if you want 'em!

May 21: Being optimistic...heading to giant costume sale. My rapture? Bargain costume shopping. :-)

May 23: Yoga tomorrow morning, 6:45 am.

May 24: Who LOVES Prince and wants to go with me on Sunday night to the last show of the Forum series? [PD2]

May 24: It's so obvious to me that Scotty is the star...why are they manipulating otherwise? Oh well, could be wrong.

May 25: Trying to be blase, but very excited to be going to American Idol finale today!

May 25: Rob Halford just walked by...have never seen so many studs on a leather outfit. And that's saying something.

May 25: All the Idols just walked by us. Lauren hugged the kids I'm with...now I like her better. And Scotty is a sweetheart.

May 25: Four rows in front of Ryan right now on camera

May 25: James has on almost as many studs as Rob.

May 25: Loved Casey with Jack Black. Fun!

May 25: They wouldn't let me update anymore so that's why there was a break. Really fun show. Backstage now. :-)

May 25: I had the MOST fun at AI finale tonight and so happy for Scotty. :-)

May 25: My last AI finale thought: Simon Fuller smells amazing...even better than the previous best-smeller, Randy Jackson. ;-)

May 27: Seeing the new painting on the wall this morning gives me a big smile. [Went to art opening last night and bought an amazing painting!]

May 27: Available July 1: Our super-charming 1 BR, 1BA apartment at the beach! PM me for more info.

Well, that's it. Weight is going down SLOWLY. I have started to get up early to do two 6:45 am yoga classes during the week because I just enjoy yoga more than any other exercise and, therefore, I work harder at it. Got hormone results back yesterday and there are some problems -- plus glucose is too high (not pre-diabetic...yet). Have plans to work on all of it. Also started back to therapy last week and the new therapist is great: three excellent insights in the first 50 minutes! Yes, I'm excited for this!!

Hope everyone enjoys the long weekend -- I am still reading blogs, just not posting.

FB status updates

2011-04-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

As requested by you FB Luddites (!), following are my most recent FB status updates, i.e., mini-blogs (yes, I know there's not a lot of insight you can squish into short blurbs!):

April 22: [Wharf Town], Magnetic Zeros, Mumfords, interminable food and beer lines. But still lovin it. :-)
April 23: Excited to be on the way to see His Purple Majesty.
April 23: Chaka Khan opens for Prince!!
April 23: Photos tomorrow... This darn iPhone FB app. :-( [P.S. Wish it was easy to share photos here...sometimes my status updates are JUST photos...got some good ones at Prince show and next day...]
April 23: Sheila E totally KILLS Glamorous Life. :-). Whew, I'm sweaty. :-)
April 24, 12:22 am: Now THAT was a concert old school style. Totally worth $25 and $12 beer!!
April 24: Magical music weekend: Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros/Mumford & Sons at the wharf in [Wharf Town], then Prince at the Forum, culminating with "A Pirate's Life for Me" chorus while riding with pretend daughter and grandkids in a bicycle built for 7 on [DB Hometown] waterfront and my granddaughter's original Christmas-themed composition from the back seat on the way home. :-)
April 26: Prince again on Friday!

Yes, we're headed back to Prince again...what a fantastic show. And the venue is 15 minutes from our house and you can't beat a $25 concert! This week we're taking a large (10 plus people) posse with us. :-)

I have buckled down this week after a horrible food weekend which culminated in eating the grandkids' french fries on Sunday...which I never do!! This was a wake-up call for me. We've got another bathing suit vacation (week near Yosemite) with the kids and grandkids coming up in June so I've GOT to do something. Cutting back on booze and ANY "cheats" (don't have a lot of those usually but last weekend I saw the slippery slope).

Buckling down has not made a difference at all yet. Disappointing, but I am focused. Ski season is over so it's gym and yoga...if only I could wake up and make the 6:45 yoga twice a week...I am determined to try SOMEtime.

It's been EXACTLY a month again...

2011-04-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

...and I am a very very very bad blogger. Naughty Helen!

Ski season may now be over for me (although I'm still dreaming of maybe just maybe convincing DB to go with me next weekend -- he is "done") so maybe I will have more time to write. We'll see. Micro-blogging on Facebook seems to be easier for me to maintain at the moment.

Speaking of "maintain", that's all I'm doing. I go up a few pounds, I go down a few pounds. I stay in the same range. Unfortunately, this is still a range 15-20 pounds higher than I want it to be. But, like my smoking addiction before I quit, it seems that I have plenty of excuses why I'm not just doing it.

The good news is that I am exercising regularly and getting fitter even if the scale is not going down. Skiing is so good for me. I will miss it a lot. But I will up my gym time to make up for it a little bit at least.

To catch those of you who are not on FB up, I'm going to copy my micro-blogs (statuses) from Facebook for the past month. Feel free to ask for details or comment!

3/23/11: Pre-[music venue] show, sitting at [restaurant] on Hollywood Blvd eating the best turkey burger I ever tasted.
3/26/11: I love a good spontaneous slumber party.
3/27/11: I am a lucky woman...too many reasons why...hope you all know it's you. It is.
4/1/11: Super random fun : just ran into someone in a McDs restroom in the middle of nowhere who I haven't seen in probably over 10 years!
4/2/11: Skied allll the way from [one side of the resort] to [the other] today!! I have done all the bits ans pieces before, but never allll the way across and back. Beautiful day.
4/2/11: Yay for my hometown team...go Butler! :-)
4/3/11: Another perfect ski day = boring status update. ;-)
4/4/11: Snowy warm Sierra morning, balmy Venice evening listening to the surf...and a cow on the roof. I must be home.
4/6/11: Just had my doglet's teeth cleaned at home, no anesthesia, in 1/2 hour...SO much better (and cheaper) than taking him to the vet. Happy to provide contact info to anyone who wants a referral. I am sold!
4/7/11: Food is love. Our chef friend just made us the most amazing vegan dinner...OMG, I can still taste the deliciousness. She is growing her business and we will be having her back for a tasting for our friends sometime soon. Let us know if you are interested and we'll put you on the guest list. Words cannot describe the yumminess (and this from a girl who had burgers every other night this week for dinner)!
4/7/11: We literally licked every bowl, plate and pan clean!
4/10/11: First FB post from new iPhone!
4/10/11: Lazy boardwalk Sunday.
4/11/11: To all my vegan, vegetarian & veg curious friends, please let me know if you'd like on the list for a vegan tasting party at our neighbor's on April 21st. The talented vegan/raw chef [name omitted] is putting together a multi-course tasting menu. There will also be a pop-up gallery for the [local art crawl] same night, same location, featuring pieces by our favorite Venice artist [gorilla painter].
4/11/11: I love so much about my new iPhone but...need to know how to sync Google contacts and calendar and find some good voice recognition software.
4/12/11: Homemade Moroccan tagine for dinner, hang drum by the fire with sweetie and friend...all yum.
4/14/11: Have I mentioned lately how in love I am with my iPhone?
4/14/11: I wish I could organize my life so i would get more than 7 hours sleep
4/15/11: My infomercial producer friend needs Hong Kong natives over 18 who speak Cantonese and have occasional acne. If you know anyone, please have them message me.
4/15/11: On the party bus to Ski Town.
4/16/11: Sticky snowga day.
4/17/11: The Eastern Sierra is so beautiful that it makes me want to cry...in a different way than skiing down my first blue-black today. But not really. ;-)
4/18/11: So [DB] says he is done with ski season but I'd like to try to go the weekend of April 29-May 1. Anyone want to come with? I've got cheap options (and you can get a cheap lift ticket via me since I have a season ticket). Let me know! :-)
4/19/11: Waiting at ER to get ultrasound to make sure this pain in my calf is nothing to worry about.
4/19/11: My femoral artery has a clean bill of health...now who wants to go skiing the weekend of April 29 with me? :-)
4/22/11: Tummy so full of "amazing" "stunning" and "oh my God" delicious raw/vegan food. Thank you, Chef Kelly, for sharing your yummy gift with so many of us tonight at the [local event]. :-). Wish you had a fan page... ;-)

And there you have it. Mostly food and skiing (or "snow-ga" as I call it). ;-)

It's been a month...

2011-03-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

...since I've written, but I have THOUGHT about writing and THOUGHT about weight loss (and worked on, at least, fitness)...I just haven't had TIME. Work is slammed and, with skiing every other weekend, the rest of my at-home time is slammed too. I am not complaining...life is fun...just explaining my MIA status from here!

We just got back from another 3-day ski weekend and what a crazy weather weekend!! On our way up on Friday night, we ran into a wildfire that had closed the freeway (the ONLY way to get to Ski Town) for about 40 miles...and we were making such good time until then! We turned around fast and headed back to an earlier town to try to get a motel, but ALL of them were booked. So we headed back north and, by then, they were escorting traffic through the fire zone -- big wildfire -- I heard it started in the wood shop of the school and they had to evacuate all of that town west of the freeway. Damage didn't look too bad driving back, but it was weird driving up in the dark with the road signs burning as we passed!

This meant we got to the town where we stay on Friday nights at 1 am. Sigh. Oh well. We get cheapy motels there anyway since all we do is sleep.

We got up late on Saturday and the weather was wild -- snowing all day and blowing almost horizontal the whole time. The snow was also really wet so moguls were everywhere. I am a groomed-slope kinda gal! We started down my go-to blue run and I fell -- for the first time all year! I was very sad...when I am out of control, it is not fun and when it's not fun I usually stop skiing for the day. But I decided to go back up and try a long green run and that was fine -- even FUN -- I got to practice on moguls on a less steep slope than I usually ski these days so I now feel like I am less afraid of them and my skill set is better. :-)

We stayed at this motel in Ski Town that we got for $89/night on on-line cheapy site (SUPER cheap for Ski Town) and it was TOTALLY worth it. HUGE room with sofa and wet bar (and we were on the 4th floor overlooking the snow). Pool, huge hot tub, sauna, steam room, laundry room and even ski lockers and covered parking. Wow. We totally want to stay there again! It wasn't fancy, but it also had the most comfy bed we've ever had up there.

Apres ski, we always get a beer at the lodge, then go home for hot tub, shower then dinner. We usually go to sleep between 9 and 10 and sleep until 8 or 9...ahhhh... :-)

Sunday the snow wasn't as blizzardy, just falling softly and steadily all day (there had been at least a foot of accumulation overnight). We took the shuttle to the lodge because the roads were really covered. My expectations were lower as far as difficulty of slope I would ski...I stuck to the long greens and worked on speed and control while crouching down (I usually ski more up-right). AMAZING exercise for my quads and glutes. It was beautiful...could hardly see ahead of yourself, but the slopes were much less crowded...my last run down I went for a long time without seeing a soul. Beautiful...I was in ski ecstasy!

Sunday night, DB took me out to celebrate my Re-Birthday (8 years non-smoking yesterday). We tried to walk over because it was so snowy to drive, but I fell about a block away and DB had already fallen (just walking) twice that day so we decided to inch over in our car. It was an awesome dinner...we had leftovers last night! :-)

When we woke up yesterday, we couldn't even see across the street, it was snowing and blowing so much! With DB's back hurting due to falling, we decided not to ski yesterday and just headed home early. Made great time. Another great weekend...and we're already planning to go back the weekend of April 1! :-)

As for my weight: the past two ski weekends, I have LOST weight. I have no idea how since I do drink beer when we're away and am usually not AS careful with food. The exercise must make up for it. But I have continued to be very good with food and exercise while at home too and I am still not really LOSING. I am stable, maintaining. I guess that is better than gaining. I feel fitter too. So that is all good. But, when ski season is over and I can focus again, I guess I'm going to have to change SOMETHING else.

I talked with my doc about this in early March...my thyroid is very low...I don't want to take meds for it, but that might be the problem. She has me on iodine for the time being to see if it helps.

Family Ski Weekend

2011-02-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

I love the ski times we have with PD2 and her family and we are just back from another one!! I changed my Facebook profile photo today to a photo of me this weekend where you can just see the glee in my face anticipating all the fun we were gonna have. :-)

Friday night we left (as usual) at 6pm from my office. It usually takes us about 5ish hours to get to the town where we stay before hitting Ski Town (no need to spend big Ski Town money to stay overnight when all you do is crash at 11pm+ and get up at 7 so we usually get a motel about 1/2 hour away). Friday night it took us SIX AND A HALF HOURS and it was raining and snowing the whole way. DB was totally cranky at the beginning, but was a wonder in driving the whole way himself. Big ups to my sweetie!

We got into Motel Town about 12:30 and were asleep by 1:30...with no promises of when to get up the next day. We got up late, grabbed breakfast (fast food, but the best option on the menu -- I have an app that shows all nutrition information) and were at the mountain by about 11:30. It was snowing and messy -- when the slopes aren't groomed, it's a lot harder to ski -- you have to fight your way through bumps created by your fellow skiers. I don't love this. It was also President's Day Saturday so the lift lines were a lot more crowded than we (spoiled) are used to. I think we managed maybe 6 runs by 2:45 and quit.

By that time, PD2 and her family (Hubby, Cutie Pie and Bon Bon) were at our motel in Tiny Ski Town (another resort where we can ski on our pass -- 12 miles from Ski Town -- we have this great motel that has kitchenettes in every room and is CHEAP -- and has a hot tub overlooking the GORGEOUS Sierra mountains). We had some errands to run so got to them about 5 pm. When we parked, Bon Bon (3) came running across the parking lot yelling "Papa and Helen!!" right into our arms. Oh yeah, that made us smile...and will always. :-)

They had been playing in the snow so we all hit the hot tub before showering and dinner. We went to my fave place in Tiny Ski Town for dinner...they scored big points by bringing the granddaughters kiddie cocktails right when we sat down. Cutie Pie kept saying "I like this place.". :-) I had some great conversations with Cutie Pie over dinner...showing her the map for where we'd be skiing in Tiny Ski Town the next day, etc. She was so shy as a tot...I love how we chat now that she's almost 8. We all went to bed early in anticipation of the next big day.

Got up early on Sunday with the plan to head up the mountain for breakfast at the lodge (you have to take a lift up quite a ways just to get to the lodge at this resort). Once we got up there, we had to get rental equipment for PD2 and Cutie Pie so it took us about 2 1/2 hours from parking to getting on the slopes. But we had FUN.

The first run, Cutie Pie got hysterical. It has been a year since she skied and she was scared. PD2 was awesome with her: firm, but caring. She got her down the hill and the next run and all subsequent ones were so fun with Cutie Pie (Hubby took Bon Bon back down the hill since he doesn't really ski and she's a bit too young). DB, PD2, Cutie Pie and I had a great day. I took both girls for souvenir shopping, of course! They love their Helen. :-)

DB got some time at the end of the day to do some difficult runs with PD2 and I am soo happy they did...they are both really good skiers.

Sunday night, after hot tub, we went to a casual place for dinner and, again, had a great time. After that, we had a slumber party with the granddaughters -- they stayed with us to give their parents a night off. We played Pictionary which was totally hilarious...and then they crashed...it had been a big day.

Bon Bon woke up around 2 crying for her mommy, but we put her in bed with us and all was well. The next morning I learned about Umizoomi (fun!) while we got ready and then took the girls to breakfast while their parents slept in. Best. Slumber. Party. Ever.

After breakfast, we went back to the motel where we got ready to go ski in Ski Town again and they sledded and got ready to go home. We watched them sled for a while (so fun), then after goodbyes hit our slopes. WHAT A GREAT SKI DAY YESTERDAY. I did a new run and it was so great...my new fave. It was very cold and the snow was perfect. Wonderful.

We left about 1 pm and were home by 6:30. No real traffic was great post-holiday weekend. And we're going back for another 3-day weekend in 2 weeks. :-)

Best news: I didn't take my scale this time but was totally careful. Gained only 2 pounds (from my pre-birthday weight) and I'm sure it's because I ate biscuits and gravy yesterday for breakfast (oops). No gym tonight protecting my knees, but will be there tomorrow. I'm busy, but I have to make this a priority.

It's the exercise, stupid!

2011-02-17T17:49:00.000-08:00

So I went a week without formal exercise due to the funeral trip and slam-jam-packed work/social life. This has got to stop. When I exercise, I lose. When I don't, I stay the same or gain. And I have not gotten rid of the 7 birthday pounds for good in the past two weeks. And that was in addition to 10 pounds up from end of last ski season. Only one pair of my ski pants fit...I've ordered more on ebay and they're all too small even though I measured me and got measurements for them. It's bumming me out.

I went to the gym on Tuesday and am going tonight. We are skiing this (long) weekend (hopefully, if the blizzard that is predicted up there is not too bad). I have started putting my gym days on out calendar as appointments just like I did back when I was losing The Big Weight and I have told DB that these appointments are UNBREAKABLE.

I NEED TO LOSE 15 POUNDS. I'D LIKE TO LOSE 20 OR 25.

Valentine's Day was the best ever...DB cooked (healthy) for me, had a fire in the chiminea when I got home with two glasses of red wine, cheese and avocado ready when I got home. The lights were dim, our massage table was all set up (we never made it to that), the music was sweet and the air was scented with frankincense. It was awesome. I have the best Valentine. :-)

Work is slammed -- we have a new superstar client and I barely have time to breathe. I am working at home in the evenings a little just to keep up. I am afraid I may not be able to take my every-other-Mondays for the rest of ski season because of this. :-(

But I have skiing this weekend... :-)

Vacation update and more

2011-02-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

Vacation was really great...I felt totally relaxed after two days! DB bought me amazing new skis for my b-day (used on ebay) and I call them my "magic skis". They are beautiful and make me feel much more solid while still being really "slippery" and forgiving. I totally adore them. Pretty much every day's schedule was wake-up, coffee and breakfast, ski for 3 or so hours, hot tub, dinner, bed. We went to sleep mostly before 10 every night so we got really rested. :-)

Our apartment is over the great liquor store in town and we've made friends with the guy who owns it and his fiancee (who also happen to live in the other apartment on the property). They had us over for birthday dinner on Wednesday and she even baked us a cake from scratch! They have an awesome dog and are just the sweetest couple. Who needs our L.A. friends to come with us (most never do) anyway? We have Mammoth friends now! :-)

DB baked me a b-day cake on Thursday night, can you believe it? Sweeeeet!

Friday my knees were really hurting and I debated whether to ski or not but I really wanted to. On our second run down, I ended up crying in the middle of the hill because I knew I was going to have to stop for the day...no control when one knee doesn't work! I was frustrated. :-( But we went home and went shopping at the outlet mall instead which was fun. DB bought me a gorgeous Coach purse (marked down to $70 from $400) and we both bought clothes.

For dinner on Friday, he had made reservations at the cross-country lodge which we had visited earlier in the week. GORGEOUS place -- very rustic, built in 1924. I can't believe we have never been there before! The restaurant there was amazing...French chef and adorable atmosphere. We really feel like we discovered something new and great!!

Saturday we had planned to try cross-country skiing and it seemed like the perfect time to rest my knee...it was really really fun and a huge workout...we were sore for a couple of days (until my trainer helped me stretch it out last night). It sure made me appreciate how "good" I am at downhill skiing though!! ;-) And "learning" along with DB was a bit of a challenge...he knew it all even though it was his first time too. ;-) Ahem...he was the only one who fell down out there.... ;-)

Sunday, I was so happy to get back on my magic skis. I skied great (if I do say so myself). On the lift on our way up for our last run, DB got an e-mail from one of his sisters: the estranged husband of one of our nieces was found dead (not sure if drugs or alcohol or both). She has two little kids (3 and 6). We drove home pretty much in silence...so damn sad. We are leaving tomorrow for the funeral -- about an 8-hour drive and we are renting a van so we can take PD1 and her four kids. This is a horrible time to have to miss work after being out for a week but it's important to do.

I took my scale on vacation, yes, I did! :-) Everyone laughed at me, but it is important for me to look at that number every day. And it was good until my birthday. Since then it's gone up A LOT. And I really don't know why. I have been exercising like a maniac (including trainer butt-kicking last night). I did eat b-day cake. I had some ice cream on Sunday. And I had some chips last night. These should not equal SEVEN POUNDS since Friday. :-( Literally other than those three things, I have been eating PERFECTLY and exercising. Grrrrrrrrrr.

When the weight creeps on...

2011-01-26T17:38:00.000-08:00

...it's easy not to notice 5, 10 or even 15 pounds just from how your body feels. But last weekend I had an experience that reminded me how much pounds really WEIGH:

We went with PD2 and her two daughters to a great place that rescues abused farm animals. The kids loved it and so did I. To get from one of the areas to another there was a long series of very shallow steps. The first time I went up, no problem. Not out of breath, no knee pain, etc. Later, I was carrying Bon Bon (now 3) and she probably weighs around 25 pounds or so. Holy cow, how that made a difference climbing those very same steps. She feels light to me when I pick her up (for a while), but that extra poundage really made me have to work a LOT harder.

This experience made me think how much harder my body is working carrying 10-15 extra pounds on it...a very good thing for me to be confronted with.

I have lost a few pounds, but it's not falling off me this time. I am doing well at the gym and am really liking my trainer...even though she makes me sore! ;-) My body is already feeling much more toned and strong and I like that.

Tomorrow night we are having a big party for DB's birthday (and mine too 'cause we will be out of town on my actual b-day next week). DB has taken over a local bar/performance place for the night and all his friends are playing gigs (including two bands he is playing in). I baked two carrot cakes last night. It should be fun -- DB is SO looking forward to it!

Work is still super-stressful and my life seems to be scheduled down to the nanosecond...I'm glad that one of those scheduled things is gym/yoga. And I really REALLY need our ski vacation next week... :-)

Fit

2011-01-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

Part of my intake process at the new gym was filling out a pretty extensive questionnaire about goals, lifestyle, etc. I didn't take it too seriously at the time but there was a list of things you want to improve and you were supposed to rank them in order of importance. I made almost all of them equal (lose weight, get fitter, tone, relieve stress, etc.). But, as I reflected over the past week, the truth is that what I really want is to feel fit again.

The scale IS important to me. It is an outside objective observer. Only it's not really. At my new gym, there are women who I am sure weigh a lot more than me...but they are large and HARD. They are hugely muscley and probably what everyone would call FIT. Now, being at THE muscle-builder gym of the universe, they are NOT what I am working toward. But they do show me that the scale, while VERY important, is not ALL.

Maybe I'm just saying all this to myself to make myself feel better that, while I've had little 2-pound-down fluctuations, the scale goes back up and I have not lost any weight since starting to work out again almost two weeks ago. I am still perplexed by this - how can I be working out SO much more, eating the same and having the scale stay the same? I don't know.

What I do know, though, is that I want to keep working toward FIT. I remember feeling STRONG in my body. I want to feel that way again...whatever the scale says.

Soooo...my trainer kicked my butt tonight...almost literally!! I have never worked with a trainer before...because, as I said before, I wanted to WORK while at the gym, not chat. Well, my friends, tonight my little 2% body weight trainer showed me that you can talk AND work HARD. There got to be a point where I literally couldn't lift my leg. The things we did were simple, but (I hope) effective. She gets it that my weight goes in my middle -- from upper leg through lower belly. I don't gain substantially elsewhere. So we worked that area...a LOT. I think I will be good-sore tomorrow. While we did work legs, my knees tonight are feeling ok. Hopefully the quad work helped and didn't hurt.

But there is another little story as I chatted with my trainer -- this girl has won competitions for fitness -- she told me that, if she doesn't wake up sore, she wonders what she did wrong the previous day. Yes, you know what's next. She's into addictive exercise behavior. She told me tonight she's ready to be a mom...I wonder how she will handle those body changes. She is really a sweetheart and I will learn stuff from her, but I do worry about that. She looks great and is fit but she is as weird about her body (in another way) as We are.

I'm excited about a new exercise adventure. And I just want to be FIT, dammit.

Another new gym relationship

2011-01-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

I joined tonight. I am kinda in love. I know this feeling and it is totally like falling in love...and not being sure if he/it is the right one...exciting, but hopeful.

I did the 4-session trainer join-up thing. I ran into "my" trainer tonight and she gave me a big hug. We have scheduled our first 2 sessions for this Thursday night and next Monday. I am excited to learn what she can teach me...and I know I will have to teach her some stuff about my challenges too. ;-)

Of course, the "salesman" (who was not the one I had talked with before), tried to get me to agree to their "usual" three trainer sessions for $195, but I stood my ground: the other guy promised me 4 for that price AND I had talked with this SAME GUY at lunchtime today to make sure the deal was the same. Shady. Just be sure to READ WHAT YOU SIGN. I got the 4 sessions. :-)

After I signed up, I did the elliptical for 11 minutes (lucky number) to warm up. Then did an hour yoga class that I am still, an hour later, wet with sweat from (yes, I'd better get to a shower soon!). Gym Yoga is not Studio Yoga. But I can live with it. It's cheaper and I have less expectations. And it's STILL YOGA. Tonight's class was more vinyasa-y, but not bad except for a lot of repetitive knee motions which I just didn't do. I am very good at taking care of myself in yoga because of my training. Not so much with other forms of exercise, but I'm trying.

Ski Weekend was great!! I remember how!! I skied the intermediate runs (well, not all of the ones I could do at the end of last season...from fear...but I can still ski the harder runs!!) We took it pretty easy...no more than 3 hours per day. DB was totally sore, but I (thanks to workouts the prior week, I AM SURE) only felt good-sore in my quads. Yay!! I worked my legs and core and THAT IS WHAT I NEED MOST. And it's FUN (and scary sometimes). Oh yeah, and romantic with DB up there in those mountains and snow and hot tubs. ;-)

We are JAMMED with plans until we leave for week-long birthday ski vacation on January 29. I am VERY VERY VERY stressed at work right now. I need my exercise for balance. I will hang onto that.

And now I need a shower.

More on exercise importance

2011-01-14T13:35:00.000-08:00

First of all, I think Vickie's comment was right -- somehow my body was "holding" while it healed from hard work-outs/ouchy knee. Today I am not sore, knee is much better and the scale finally moved down! Whew.

From my workouts, I feel my core strength coming back. When that happens, I feel so much better in every way...something about feeling my muscles (and seeing them -- my arms look great today) makes me feel strong and not just physically. I noticed that feeling this morning as I drove to work, working my abs...

I have decided to join the gym. It doesn't require a long-term commitment -- I can terminate at any time. I have two options:

- pay $29.99 every two weeks; or
- pay $195 for 4 hour-long trainer sessions, then $19.99 every two weeks.

I have decided that the second option is best so am going to sign up next Tuesday when I'm back from skiing. Even though the trainer session the other night was not spectacular, I did learn things, I do like the trainer, and I've already started teaching her what works for me and what doesn't. ;-) I think I'll do one training session a week for four weeks, do at least one yoga a week and do one other day (at least) at the gym.

For cardio (other than cardio from weights, floor work with trainer, yoga), I will probably do elliptical. That is my favorite...like it a lot more than a bike or treadmill. (In SoCal, I have found almost no gyms have pools, go figure! When I used to do aquaerobics, I went to the Y and they are almost the only "gyms" that have pools.) I might try spinning...trainer is also spinning teacher...she says you don't have to stand up and I can cycle sitting down because that doesn't put too much pressure on my knees.

This gym has EVERY machine you could ever want. It is THE bodybuilder gym of the world...I have never seen so many ENORMOUS muscles in one place...you wouldn't believe some of the women!!

We're off for first ski weekend of the year tonight...I can't wait!

Trainer appointment

2011-01-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

Although my right knee was (and is) still totally swollen from the Zumba fiasco, I kept my appointment with the trainer at the gym last night. She was a sweetheart and I actually learned some stuff from her (floor work, ball work, glute and rowing machines), but:

- She seriously was clueless about people with injuries/challenges. I had to keep telling her I couldn't do repetitive up-and-down motion with my knees in their current state (or ever, really). She kept looking at me like "huh?".
- I am not a trainer person. I want to WORK at the gym, not chat. I could have gotten what we did in an hour and a half done in an hour without the chit-chat.

I am still pretty irritated that the guy "selling" me the membership (which I haven't bought yet, didn't hear a red flag when I mentioned "Zumba" and "bad knees" in the same conversation. I think I'll talk with him about that when I join. Yes, while not perfect, I think I'll join the gym. There are class options that I MIGHT be able to do in addition to yoga and it's always good to have a place where you can go to work on cardio and weights.

Frustration over my weight is really getting me down. I haven't changed anything about my eating in the past week and have worked out 3 times HARD and I weigh almost 4 pounds more than I did last week. Seriously? I am puzzled and frustrated and starting to really get depressed about this. I am not perfect with food and drink (need to drink less champagne and more water, mostly), but I am good and very consistent. I really cannot believe that I can't lose weight eating the way I am and working out. It's weird and very upsetting.

And I can't wear my smallest (and favorite) ski pants this weekend. I'll have to lose 10 pounds for that to happen. At least I have some others, but... :-(

Zumba

2011-01-10T19:42:00.001-08:00

Well, THAT's something I'm never going to try again! :-(

At least at this gym, Zumba class was literally CONSTANT impact. I can certainly see how it would be fun for many people but, with my knees, I was terrified the entire time. I slid out of the room about 3/4 through the class...and I hope that, even though I didn't do almost any of the impact (jumping jumping and more jumping), I didn't hurt myself.

I am a person who is very aware of my physical limitations and can usually adjust to compensate and not hurt myself. For the life of me, I have no idea how I could do that with Zumba. It's ALL impact. Reminded me of an old-fashioned aerobics class. Yuck. And I love dancing and can usually do it without hurting myself.

Good things:

- Even avoiding impact as much as I could, I got some good cardio exercise and got very sweaty.
- I am so scared that I hurt my knees that I am not hungry for dinner.

I'm very disappointed. But I still will probably join this gym to be able to take the occasional yoga class and use the machines. Hopefully the trainer I am meeting with tomorrow night will have some good ideas about how to strengthen my knees, not damage them further.

DB is out of town on business this week, so I'm focusing almost entirely on getting my exercise back in gear. (NOT that it's his fault in any way that I'm not in gear.) I may even get up and do the 6:45 am yoga class on Thursday... ;-)

The "new " gym

2011-01-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, I did go check it out on Thursday night, got my 7-day free pass and took my first class yesterday! :-)

The gym is huge...looks like little to no line for cardio machines (a huge plus in L.A....I hate wasting time waiting for machines). I actually will probably use the machines only a little since I'm looking at this place for mostly classes but who knows? Machines are a great option to have when you can't make a particular class at a particular time.

Yesterday I planned to check out their yoga class. Walked over to the gym (about a mile from our house) and arrived in plenty of time. The class was full, but not crowded. At first, I wasn't sure about the teacher -- he was a little too into making funny voices and this is a GYM (a serious body-builder's gym), not a yoga studio, so i was feeling that he was catering to the body-builder/non-yogis in the class. However, as class went on (it was an hour and a half which was 15 mins more than it was scheduled for...which was fine with me!), I kinda loved it. It was a straight ahead old-fashioned hatha yoga class. In L.A., many (if not most) classes tend to be "flow" type...students seem more worried about what they perceive to be cardio exercise than in what I would call real YOGA.

The weirdest thing with this class was that it ended with NO savasana (final resting pose). I have never had a yoga class in my life that didn't have savasana. Maybe it was just a one-time thing, or maybe it was the gym-not-yoga-studio atmosphere.

I ended up really liking the teacher -- he was older and was really good at adjusting and teaching in general. It always bothered me at my last yoga studio that the teacher didn't really adjust students during the class. Being able to do that is a huge part (in my opinion) of being an effective yoga teacher -- you have to SEE the individual student and be able to communicate how they can improve/get more out of their practice. I do think this teacher has the potential to be that kind of teacher for me.

But, it's just the first class and the only other classes this teacher teaches that I could attend are at 6:45 AM two days a week. Oy. I am not a morning exerciser and this would mean getting up REALLY early and changing my whole morning and showering routine. But I might do it...we'll see.

I don't love practicing yoga in a room with mirrors, but yesterday I actually was able to use them to my benefit without being too judgmental on myself. And this room is fairly quiet for a gym...and it has a water fountain IN the room which I find to be really great...particularly if you sweat like I do (my hair was sopping wet at the end of class yesterday!).

Today my body is sore all over...not in a bad way, but in a "well, it's been a while, Helen" way. ;-) It's good to feel my muscles again.

Tomorrow night, I'll try the Zumba class (will have to leave work early and JAM to make it, but this is the big thing I want to try at this gym). Tuesday night I have a free appointment with a trainer to learn some of the machines, then will take the evening yoga class (different teacher).

This afternoon we are doing Xmas/birthday with some of the kids and grandkids...I'm really looking forward to it even though we're meeting at a Chuck-E-Cheese. ;-)

Exercise

2011-01-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

(Copied from comment to Laura:) Like I've said before, I really really think that, for me, it's lack of exercise that starts the spiral into food. So today I went on-line and found a gym that offers yoga and Zumba (yay!) that is close to me. I am going over there tomorrow night to check it out, then am doing the 7-day free trial they have. Assuming I like it, I'm getting back on that exercise horse. I miss it. But somehow it's so hard to make myself take the time to DO IT. Grrrrr.

MIA

2011-01-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

Yeah, well, when I'm not posting, it's often because I am so bogged down in "life" and that is YES when weight problems arise. I have now officially gained back 15 pounds of what I lost last year and I feel like crap. I got to the point over the holidays when I had the "who cares?" attitude...and THAT is death to good eating.

So, yesterday, after pizza and birthday cake at Bon-Bon's third birthday party, I told DB that I am back on the SERIOUS program starting today. Not only are my skinny clothes not fitting (I haven't been brave enough to try them in over a month), I am afraid to ski next week with an additional 15 pounds on my body. And my new ski pants from last year most certainly won't fit.

I attribute most of this gain to my absolute total lack of real exercise for the past six months. I have a lot of excuses...starting with not feeling well really since August. It has been hard for me to contemplate exercise when that makes me cough. Then, just when the coughing was down to only early mornings, I got a cold the week before Christmas and it still hasn't gone away. It is draining me. Finally, I had the D&C and polypectomy on Thursday. The general anesthesia seemed to quiet the cold for that whole day and I was so excited...then the congestion and coughing came back on Friday. I have slept innumerable hours the past few days and am so tired still today...I could go home and go to sleep with no problem (and I am NOT a napper).

OK...so I'm back to close to where I was two years ago. Not happy, but armed with tools to fix this problem. I want to lose 20 pounds and stay there. I won't be skinny, but I will be healthy and comfortable in my body.

And now to catch up on micro-blogs from FB:

December 28: San Sai spicy sashimi salad just made me a whole lot happy.
December 31: ‎40 fingers and toes up for Exit Through The Gift Shop!
January 1: We just watched a half hour ad for a Time Life compilation of 70s music. And I really enjoyed singing along.
January 2: Happy Birthday, [Bon-Bon]!! So happy you were born three years ago today. I love you. :-)
January 2: Finally cooking the Christmas ham ... not that we need any more food...

And above is us on New Year's Eve...Happy New Year to all!!

Happy Belated Christmas!

2010-12-27T13:28:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry I've been MIA...have been fighting a bad cold for over a week and before that Christmas festivities, etc. just pulled all my time and attention. The latest micro-blogs to catch y'all up:

Dec. 17: [post Adam show] He killed it...and a sweetheart to boot.
Dec. 17: Two (school) nights in a row up past 1...not a bad thing.
Dec. 18: Eek ..Tonite past midnight and oh so worth it. Thanks Jay for a fun time!!
Dec. 18: Time to bake the gingerbread for Yule celebration tonight.
Dec. 19: Finished shopping for my loved ones on this snuggly rainy day...now addicted to vintage eyeglass frames shopping on ebay...shhhhh, don't tell anyone...my present to me...ho ho ho!
Dec. 19: My poor sweetie is so under-the-weather...and this is some pretty harsh weather to be under! Super unlike.
Dec. 19: Frankincense, pine, gingerbread...my nose is happy.
Dec. 22: I am sick of being sick.
Dec. 24: Presents are wrapped and I think I'm getting better...all I want for Christmas is for my sweetie to feel better too.
Dec. 24: Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad...I revel in the bounty with which I am graced during this beautiful season. Friends and family, YOU are the bounty.
Dec. 25: St. Nick [with photo of Doglet -- whose real name is Nick 'cause I got him 13 years ago on Boxing Day].
Dec. 26: Christmas with kids and grandkids rescheduled til next week due to illness.
Dec. 26: In line with 100 other people at Nordstrom Rack...the ancient Boxing Day shopping tradition is baaaack. Hoping this is the cure for lingering cold...

Still have very yukky cold with lots of green stuff coming out of my nose daily. YUCK. DB has been sick for ages and is headed to the doc again this afternoon. I am at work this week, but it is very very quiet. And my weight is SUCK. I ate like the bad-old-days over the weekend -- carborama -- and the scale shows it. Cracking down today to get in shape for skiing in three weeks -- at my current weight, I am afraid my ski pants won't fit! I have not been exercising for six months and it shows.

Looking forward to Black and White Ball for NYE...got a gorgeous gown yesterday (DB is wearing a tux)...I hope we are both better by then...

Merry Christmas to all and HAPPY NEW YEAR (if I don't get back here before then)!!

I keep forgetting to post micro-blogs here...

2010-12-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

...when I do on Facebook, so here are my latest statuses from FB:

December 10: Heading out for groupie duty...and gorillas.
December 12: ‎80 degrees at Venice Beach...no holiday-wear for this weather! Maybe shorts and Santa hat...
December 15: Theatre Date Night!
Today: Tonight: Adam Lambert at Club Nokia...yippeee!

I'll try to remember to pop in here to do these...wish there was a way to link.

Hope everyone is hangin' in... :-)

The wheel turns

2010-12-07T16:12:00.000-08:00

We had the memorial for Sheila last Saturday. Ended up not camping because it's been really cold (well, California cold!) recently. It was beautiful and moving. Starting late in the afternoon, we burned sage and incense around the shell holding her ashes, then had a champagne toast, then scattered many rose petals on the sand at the edge of the ocean at her favorite beach. We scattered her ashes on top. The tide was coming in to send her all over the world...as it should be...she was an adventurous world traveller.

After we scattered the ashes, some of us spoke. I read part of an e-mail I wrote to her the day she died and read a poem from a book of Rumi that she had given to me. Others shared their memories and love of our dear friend.

After sunset, we headed for drinks and appetizers (funded by her estate) in a beautiful location at the end of a pier to celebrate an extraordinary life.

Most of last week, we had two of her NYC friends staying with us and it was wonderful to get to know them. Sheila kept her friends kind of compartmentalized so many of us did not know each other well or at all. I had only briefly met this friend on a visit she made to Sheila here, then she and her husband drove us to see Sheila the last time we were in NYC (and the last time we saw Sheila...in the hospital). Well, it turns out that this woman and I have A LOT of weird things in common. I feel like Sheila left me a new friend. Thank you, Sheila! :-)

The other big thing going on (except for extreme "oh my God I have hardly gotten any gifts yet" stress) is that I'm going to have to have a D&C...trying to get it by the end of the month. I'm not sure if I wrote about it, but I had an interminable period in August, had an ultrasound and they found the lining slightly thickened. My doc and I decided to wait a few months to see if my body would slough it off. Had another ultrasound last Monday and it's the same...and a little bit thicker. There's also a small fibroid and they think there may be a polyp in there that needs to come out.

Sooo...I have to have another test next Monday and meet the doc who will do the procedure. They hopefully get it scheduled and done by the end of the month because I've met my insurance deductible for the year. I don't think I'm REALLY worried, but do want to get this done. Being on hormones, there is always an increased risk of problems.

Weight is steady...higher than I'd like, but...

I actually THINK about blogging all the time...

2010-11-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

...and if I could THINK or talk my blog entries into being while I drive to and from work (like I use the voice recognition software on my Droid to send e-mail and texts without typing), there would probably be at least one entry a day! I hope someone gets on developing that capability soon... ;-)

Today I weigh exactly 10 pounds more than I did last Thanksgiving. That is not great, but I guess it could be worse considering I can put on 5 pounds in a DAY. As I have said before, I am sure that it's all about exercise. I am eating identically to the way I ate last year, but I am not exercising much. I know this, but I am not doing it. I don't know why.

Tomorrow we are headed to Nearby Town for Thanksgiving and we will be with PD1 and PD2 and their families along with some of DB's siblings and their families. I love cooking for Thanksgiving and it's wonderful to have so many pitching in. We will be there until Saturday.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I enjoy reveling in my thankfulness. This year, the thoughts going through my head go something like this:

For many years, Thanksgiving for me was a friend holiday, not a family one. I lived in NYC and my parents were in Indiana -- I could only afford to go home for one holiday and I chose Christmas. I started to love Thanksgiving during those Friend Thanksgiving years. No family pressure, just fun with friends. Every Thanksgiving was different although if I ended up cooking I usually made the same menu. It was a relaxing and wonderful time of year. I was thankful.

As I got older (and moved to LA where I had more space to entertain), I always invited a bunch of people over to eat the feast with me. The most people I ever had was, I think, 20...and all but one were friends, not family. I was and am blessed with some truly great friends. I was thankful.

I never seemed to have a boyfriend on Thanksgiving and, as I moved through my 30s, I came to terms with the fact that I might be "alone" (i.e., without a mate/partner) for the rest of my life. I came to terms with not having kids (even though I loved them so) because I recognized how difficult it would be to have some (or one) on my own and I didn't want to cheat a kid out of a dad from the get-go (and none of my boyfriends were daddy material). While these may seem to be sad or depressing thoughts, they weren't. They were realistic and I was a very happy woman. My life was happy happy happy and fun and fabulous. I had a home of my own, a great job, great family, great friends. I was thankful.

Then DB showed up in my life. And I got happier than I ever imagined I could be. Having accepted that I might not find a partner (even while still hoping that I might...and working toward that), he was (and is) a huge treat. I started to give thanks for having been lucky enough to find him. And, if that wasn't enough, with this amazing man, the love of my life, I got a huge bonus: I got children and grandchildren to love too! I got EVERYTHING I ever wanted...

"Thankful", at this point, almost doesn't seem a big enough word to say how I feel:

I feel Thankfulfilled!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone...may you all be thankfulfilled.

Our new mural

2010-11-19T13:48:00.001-08:00

Thought you all might like to see this...painted during our local monthly art event last night. This is the wall in front of our house. I love it!

I know I'm a slacker blogger...

2010-11-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

...but I seem to be doing ok with micro-blogging on Facebook. Need to research how to link the two so when I post on FB it shows up here too so at least SOMETHING appears more often than every two weeks.

Life is still busy. DB is playing with 3 musical projects so we have rehearsals here in the studio many nights and performances many others. As I said on FB last night: "being a groupie is tiring, but rewarding". ;-)

We had a fun night last Wednesday going to a premiere for a film featuring one of our good friends. She had a fantastic role and I had not seen her act before...wow, she was great!! So absolutely cool to see your friends excel! She was actually the LEAD female in the film with a lot of famous/good actors. Too bad the film wasn't very good...lots of good performances though (including our friend).

I still am working toward weight-loss -- yesterday I weighed less than I have in a long time. And today I gained 5 pounds from yesterday morning! (I know why -- CHIPS and beer during a day-long child's/parent's birthday party then DB gig.) Oh well...I am working on it still...need more exercise mostly...the food remains pretty good most every day. But it sure is interesting how FAST the weight comes (and goes) on the scale. My sensitivity to carbs is really astonishing.

This Thursday during a monthly event we have in our neighborhood where there is tons of art exhibited, we are having an artist do a live mural painting on our front wall. I am so excited. We live in a kind of compound and our front wall has been so boring and white. Now it will have a whimsical painting of a gorilla family walking to the beach...by an up-and-coming artist in our community. There are a lot of murals in public places in Venice...I am happy to think of us contributing to that. :-)

In addition to DB gigs all over the place (usually at least once a week), our next three weekends are booked. Friends and pre-Thanksgiving prep next weekend, Thanksgiving in Nearby Town at DB's family's house (may be the last year the house is in the family so we and PD1 and PD2's families are going up for some fun family time), then memorial weekend for my friend Sheila who died in July (we are camping out near the beach and doing ash-scattering/memorial on Saturday afternoon -- people coming from near and far).

I have been doing daily meditations/chanting for a better more-positive future for the world...so much negativity everywhere I see...I blame the media A LOT...I believe we can create a POSITIVE future and we all need to work toward that. Concentrating on this makes me and my world happier...micro to macro. Om.

There's a lot to say and too little time in a day

2010-10-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

But here are some of the topics that are in my consciousness right now...at some point, I hope to have a chance to expand on this:

- Learning cannot be forced, but can be encouraged.
- Habits vs. addictions
- Exercise vs. perfect food (there really is no vs...you've gotta have both)
- Abstinence/moderation/overindulgence
- Approaching life as full of abundance or frightening because of scarcity

Work is too busy to blog even at lunchtime. Evenings and weekends have been the same.

I am still coughing. Went to pulmonologist last week and got Xrays and 8 vials of blood taken. Everything was negative. He gave me something for acid reflux to try over the weekend (although how that could be what is going on with my wheezing I fail to understand). It did not help...unsurprisingly. Had CT scans of chest and sinus on Tuesday. Still haven't heard results (doc was out yesterday), but I'm betting on sinus infection (although I am not really stuffy...I read on-line that the foul taste from my cough might be caused by that). All I really want is to STOP COUGHING (and wheezing and crackling in lungs).

Tonight DB has a gig (fun to go be a groupie). Tomorrow another friend has one. Saturday is PD2's birthday and we're going to see all the grandkids and have fun. There will be lots of costumes all weekend -- I'm going to be a rockabilly witch (had to work the crinoline in somehow)! ;-)

Weight is still stable, but a few pounds down from the last stable point. 12 more pounds to be where I was last year at this time.

Will catch up with everything...someday...

OMG, yes two posts in one week!

2010-10-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'm between assistants right now so my work productivity is so low that I kind of don't even bother except for emergencies so here I am...

Didn't do great this week on weight loss, but am down two pounds from last Friday so I'm not miserable. When I'm yo-yoing like I am now, it's hard to really call that a "loss", but I'll take it...particularly with almost zero exercise all week and more social activities than I had planned.

Like Sharla said, it's back to dark and drizzly here in "sunny" Southern California. YUCK. This weather makes me want to stay in bed every morning. But I drag myself out for the Coffee Walk... (P.S. to Sharla -- Doglet is a Jack Russell mix -- the cutest dog of all time -- he's lived with me now for almost 12 years.)

I still have days when my cough is pretty bad. Then I have days where it's almost gone. I'm not sure if or when I should call my doc...I can't imagine there is much he could do. But I can't get my flu shot until I'm totally healthy so I would like this to GO AWAY.

My mom is staying over with us tonight because tomorrow morning we are going to the wedding of one of her friends...who is 86!! I love that.

Other than that wedding, we have no plans this weekend. I doubt that will continue, but a girl can hope. ;-) Maybe a couple of long beach walks or biking if my lungs can take it.

Next week I really REALLY have to get back to yoga...even a little bit will help...because I am not doing badly on what is going into my mouth...just almost no exercise.

Giving in to peer pressure

2010-10-11T13:58:00.001-07:00

Well, I haven't been posting because there's really not a lot to say, but I'm giving in to Vickie's and Sharla's peer pressure to sign in and say that! ;-)

My weight is still up and down, but maintaining in the 15-pounds-above-my-lowest range and I do NOT like this. But I have not buckled down to fix it yet. Each Monday I vow that week will be different and, while I made the vow again today, so far I haven't followed through. As usual, I have lots of excuses -- still coughing and low lung capacity keeps me from really exercising (although I got in some long walks this weekend) and jumping back into social life has meant drinking too many calories.

This week I probably won't get back to exercise other than walks, but I hope to get back to yoga next week. I really need to lose these lbs before ski season starts so my ski pants aren't too tight! I also have few social plans so will be easier to avoid drinking.

I am still doing well with food -- sticking to low-carb as much as possible. DB has been talking about doing "Bill Clinton's diet", but I don't think he really knows what that will mean practically so he hasn't given me any real instructions about what to buy/not buy/cook differently. I have decided, though, that I need to eat less red meat (it's been crazy with the bacon and beef -- even low fat -- since before Burning Man -- as a friend said "bacon is like meat candy") and so will implement that this week. I have also cut way back on dairy -- with the cough, that seemed wise and I will maintain that for now.

Social life the weekend before last was crammed even though we went into Friday with no plans. I was happy to be back to seeing friends, but I need a little BALANCE. This past weekend was better: dinner with a friend on Friday but home by 8:30, dinner and drinks with some friends on Saturday and cooked at home last night.

I had to get my car serviced on Saturday so, rather than sitting around waiting for two hours, I walked a mile to the local Goodwill store (which is GREAT) and got 4 pairs of pants, 8 shirts and 2 dresses for $61!!! That satisfied my "I want to shop" jonesing that I've felt lately (seems that when my cash situation is a little low, all I want to do is SHOP). AND I got a good 2-mile walk out of it on a very hot and sweaty day.

Saturday night, DB and I did probably another 2 miles on the beach before dinner and yesterday we did similar in the morning (although at a stroll pace) and I did another walk with Doglet in the late afternoon.

It's now too dark when I get home from work to do beach walks during the week...so that's not something I can rely on again until spring. Back to home yoga practice!! :-)

Quickly squeaking in another post before September ends

2010-09-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

Not that I have much to say! I am still trying to take it easy because I still have a teeny cough...

Monday night it was so hot here that DB decided to organize our local friends to go down to the beach for a nighttime picnic and music fest. Everyone brought snacks and drinks and their instruments. We brought candles and incense and blankets. And we had a blast! My last hurrah of fun after doing way too much fun last weekend (I dove back into my usual social life -- including dinner out on Friday night, coffee and breakfast with friends on Sat., Muse concert on Saturday night, art exhibition on the beach until 3 am Sat. night and a festival in 106 weather on Sunday. I very nearly relapsed big after that weekend!

This week I have been good and yucky lbs are coming off. I've still been lurking 10-15 lbs. above my lowest and that does not feel good. :-(

My assistant came back from vacation on Wednesday and gave notice -- she got a job in her field (film) so is leaving me for HBO. Oh well. I like her, but realize this is a good move for her. I sure wish I didn't have to look for someone new after only a year though! The good news is that I've gotten a TON of resumes after putting the word out to my business contacts yesterday. There are SO many good people out of work and willing to work cheap. It's very sad and scary...but good for me...hopefully I'll get someone who stays for a while. I have interviews all day tomorrow. Wish me luck!

This weekend, I'm doing a 2-hour volunteer shift at the Burning Man "decompression" event in downtown L.A. I hope this gives me some of that Burner joy that I missed a lot of this year.

Other than that, I am planning to REST. We'll see if I follow through with that... ;-)

Not a "lost" blogger...

2010-09-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

...just a very sick one!

As mentioned in comments for my last post, I got pneumonia on vacation and it was very bad. I have not been that sick probably ever. It took me over three weeks, two courses of antibiotics, narcotic cough medicine, an inhaler, Mucinex and LOTS of rest to START to feel like myself again a little bit. I still (now almost 4 weeks later) have a cough with colorful phlegm. But I am much much better and am finally, this week, back to work for full days (could only work less than full days all last week -- would get very out-of-breath and tired before full day was over).

Thank God for Netflix instant...I watched a ton of movies and one full 8-hour-long miniseries. Movie recommendations: Doubt, The Men Who Stare At Goats (first half) and Zombieland (had to close my eyes on the real zombie parts, but otherwise was a hoot).

DB was an amazing caretaker...I am a lucky woman. So much of the last three weeks seems like a daze...I am sure it would have taken me longer to get better if he wasn't around to take care of me.

OK, so how was Burning Man, you ask? Worst ever. Only because I was so so sick the entire time. :-( There were a few shining moments, but mostly just a lot of sick, dazed yuck.

I started getting sick the Saturday night before we left on Sunday morning. By the time we got to Reno on Sunday night, I had a full-on fever and cough. DB was also feverish and feeling sick...luckily his only lasted that night and a little of the next day. My first mistake was not staying at the hotel in Reno until my fever went away. But I didn't want to send DB out there to Burning Man to set everything up all alone...and I didn't really have any idea how sick I was.

Monday, driving onto the "playa", it took us three hours in line (that is after 2 hours' drive from Reno). Needless to say, by the time we got to our camping spot, we were both pretty tired and I was getting sicker. It was an unseasonably cool day which was the only bonus. As we were setting up, a huge rainstorm came through (the worst I've ever experienced out there). As our shelter was not yet set up, the only thing we could do was huddle in the van until it stopped...then hurry to get at least our tent up before dark. There was an amazing technicolor double rainbow after the rain though...gorgeous.

Monday night I did NOT go out with the rest of my campmates (we were with 7 other people from Massachusetts, Virginia, Texas and Wyoming...the best camp we've ever had!) to explore. I stayed home in bed and had a slumber party with one of my campmates who was just too tired to go out.

That night when DB came home, he found me in bed feverish and shivering. No matter how much he held me, I couldn't get warm or stop shaking. I knew I was very very sick, but it was just too cold for me to consider getting on my bike and going a few blocks to the med tent. I was miserable, but finally slept some.

You may remember that I do tours of the alternative energy projects in our village every day during the event. My first one was at 11 am on Tuesday. I don't know how I got through it...I actually don't even remember doing that one, but I did with a smile on my face. I'm not sure anyone even knew I was sick...except for the hacking...which wasn't that bad yet.

After the tour that day (and every other day), I just mostly rested in camp. I think on Tuesday I tried to take a little ride with DB out to the "playa" to see art, but I didn't last long. That night I stayed home while all my campmates went out to have fun. :-(

Wednesday morning (like every morning there), DB whipped up breakfast burritos for everyone (he wants to make sure I have nutrition before I do my tours and the protein was very smart), then I did my tour. I felt like I had a little more energy after that so we went out to the Temple...I had a project to do...a memorial for my friend Sheila.

First of all, some background: it was very beautiful this year, best weather ever. The theme for the event was "Metropolis" so much of the art was very "urban" looking. The temple, as a counterbalance, was designed to look like canyons, formations of nature -- it was called The Temple of Flux. The idea was that the temple represented the first places humans gathered...for community, worship, etc. It is a tradition at Burning Man for people to attach things to the temple, things they want to release, things they want to remember.

On Wednesday, DB and I biked out to the temple. We took the shirt that I had gotten for Sheila for her birthday this year (she died before it happened -- the shirt said "re-create yourself"). In anticipation of this memorial,many of her friends had written notes on the shirt. We rigged the shirt up on a small part of the wall of the temple and it was free to blow in the breeze. The view from that point was very beautiful...the wild "playa", empty and full at the same time.

As we put up her shirt with all our messages, DB and I both cried a lot. We miss her so. We always wanted her to be there with us. And now she was...even if not in a way that we would have preferred or imagined.

(A side story: after we had finished putting up Sheila's shirt, a man came over to me. He was looking at me like he couldn't say what he needed to...like maybe he didn't even speak English. Finally he said "I brought a stapler, but it's not the right kind." I offered him our heavy-duty one to borrow and he took it to put up his own memorial. When he brought it back to me, he was crying. We hugged for a very long time and both cried. And then he sat by his memorial and cried some more. I think it was for his dad.)

We didn't go back to the temple until the night of the Temple Burn (the last night of the event -- Sunday, September 5)...

Wednesday night I actually felt good enough to shower and go out after dinner with DB to see the city at night. I lasted, oh, maybe two hours. I was so tired and sick. We went home and just chilled at a "cuddle puddle" that some of our neighbors had. That was a nice night for me because I got to be with DB and some of our campmates and DB got to play his hang drum (google if you are interested in what that is...very lovely sound). :-)

Thursday was super sick day. On my tour, I realized that the reason I wasn't able to talk as much as I usually do was that I was losing my breath...I had very little lung capacity. That afternoon, a friend of mine who is a nurse and works for medical out there came by and told me she suspected I had pneumonia -- she told me to go to the hospital (yes, they have one) and get some antibiotic. That night I was SO SO sick. I was also SO SO sad because all my friends were having so much fun and I was having NONE. I went to sleep on a cot under the stars after they all went out for another fun night. Crawled into our yurt later to sleep...

Friday (after my best tour of the whole week) was time to go to the hospital. So, that afternoon, after running to see a friend whose son I had offered to babysit pre-Burn to tell her that NO WAY should I watch her kid, I was off to the hospital. DB went with me but as soon as they took me out of the first waiting room I told him to go home...I had no idea how long the wait would be and it was clear it would be boring. So he went. I waited about 2 hours to see a doctor. In the meantime, all the nurses were saying they thought I had a lung infection. When the doctor finally saw me, he gave me this rave about how "if it's a virus, an antibiotic won't help it". Um, right, but I've had a fever every night for 6 nights and am coughing up a lung and have no lung capacity...you've got to do SOMEthing!! I asked him if I had pneumonia and he said he couldn't hear it because it was "too noisy". Grrrrrrrr. He agreed to get me an antibiotic from Reno (said they didn't have anything for lungs on-playa) and that it would be in the next night!! I tried to get him to give me something there and then, but no luck. :-( I can't believe they didn't have Z-paks out there but, oh well...

Got home Friday night and DB had arranged for some of our village-mates to drive me out to the playa on their art car to see one of the art pieces burn. This was so sweet because I had NO energy to bike and no vehicles are allowed to drive except art cars.

So we headed out to the burn on Friday night...me with lots of water and Mucinex...par-tay! ;-) The burn was really beautiful...the fire artists outdid themselves with cascading colorful firefalls and other special effects. I was thrilled that I didn't miss it. But, when it was over about 10 pm, a dust storm came up. This was the first one of the whole week (which is pretty amazing since it's usually dust storms ALL the time), but it was a bad one...you couldn't see 5 feet in front of you so you couldn't walk or drive since you had no idea where you were going. We were very lucky that the art car we were on had shelter in the back so I didn't get the dust in my lungs too much.

It took us 2 hours to get home that night...during which we sat still waiting for the dust to clear, welcomed a scared little girl (22) from NYC into our car to protect her as she was so frightened (we got her "home" safe and sound), drove a little, stopped a lot (our battery was also dying), and just tried to have a good attitude about it because there was nothing we could do.

We finally got within sight of the city and finally FINALLY limped into camp about midnight. Whew.

Saturday was the big Burn Day and everyone in the city is excited. Except me. I am sicker and sicker and have to go pick up my antibiotic at the hospital at 8 pm...when everyone else will be heading out to the Burn. :-( I did my last tour and one of my work colleagues showed up to visit (his first Burn). At this point, I was so feverish that I was just sitting around with ice water scarves all over my head and neck -- my body wasn't able both fight the germs and regulate my body temp. I sat around chatting all afternoon...and one of our village-mates asked me and DB if we would like to sit on his scaffold for the Burn later (which was really nice for me...I wouldn't have to stand and would be able to see well).

That afternoon, a friend gave me some tea tree oil for my nose and it helped some. Then, later, another friend came by and asked me if I would like him to do Reiki on me -- why not?! So he did a short treatment and OMG I got a wave of energy! I felt better than I had all week! It was a miracle. I don't know how it works (and it didn't heal me, just made me have enough energy to enjoy my evening), but it did. Amazing. I need to learn more about this...

So, that evening, DB went off pushing the scaffold with our friends as I biked over to the hospital for my antibiotic. When I got there: no antibiotic. The car was not back from Reno. They told me to come back at 11 pm. :-(

I biked over to meet everyone at the scaffold and it was the best view I've ever had of the Man Burn. Very fun for me.

Afterwards, I went back to the hospital...still no antibiotic. So they gave me a Keflex (which, turns out, was really the WRONG thing for them to do) and told me to come back in 12 hours for another one. Seriously? What was I going to do? Sell antibiotics?! Oy...

(Funny side story: after the Burn, you can imagine how busy the hospital was. Lots of people who had indulged too much. One guy sitting in the waiting room was clearly way out of it. The nurse said to him "how old are you?". "Uhhhhhh....ssss...ssss...thhhhhh...thirty." "Do you know your name?". "Uhhhhhh....Ssssssss...sssss...sssss...ebastian." "Do you know your birthday?" "Uhhhhh...sssss...sssss....ssssss........eptember 7." "Do you know where you are?"
[eyes open, light up and instant answer:] "BURNING MAN!")

When we got "home" to our camp, all our campmates were home too and we had a really nice time all just sitting around camp and chatting. This was one of my favorite nights (I missed them all so much when they went out...having fun I couldn't have!).

Sunday morning...slept in for the first time all week...yay! After coffee, I headed to the hospital for my next Keflex. I asked them if I could just please have the prescription for the RIGHT antibiotic (doxycycline) and that I would get it in Reno the next morning. Happily, they gave it to me so I didn't have to go back there again.

DB and campmates forbid me from helping them much in taking down camp on Sunday and packing up. So I sat around like a lump and felt both sick and bad that I wasn't helping. But I took it easy...and everything but our yurt got taken down and packed before 6 pm.

We showered and got ready for the Temple Burn. I was very very sick at that point ...I dressed in a salwar kameez (Indian outfit) that I thought Sheila would like. We took incense and champagne with us and biked out to the temple with several of our campmates. We got a great spot to watch right by the wall where Sheila's shirt was.

Unlike the burn of the Man the night before, the temple burn is a solemn occasion and the crowd, though huge, was very quiet. We lit our incense, toasted Sheila (and the grandparents of one of our friends who also died last year), then the fire started...and burned. We all were crying...it was very beautiful...

As the temple burns, parts of it fall...this year, the part that stayed standing the longest was the little wall where Sheila's shirt was. That seemed very right to me.

And then we biked home and went to bed so we could get up at 4 am, take down the yurt and hit the road asap (getting out can take HOURS and this is the best time to leave to minimize the wait in line).

I think I was totally delirious when I got up on Monday. I hadn't taken my clothes off the night before so still was in the salwar kameez. We took the yurt down (it's very quick) and threw all our remaining things in our trailer to head out. We left camp about 4:30 and got to the pavement by 5:30 (then it's at least another 2 hours to Reno). That was actually very good time so we were happy.

Got to the pharmacy in Reno about 8:30 and got the good antibiotic and other supplies. Then we went to have some breakfast and headed to our friend's ranch where we planned to spend that day and night...I had texted him that morning to make sure it was ok that we came since I was SO sick and he, very sweetly, said of course.

His ranch is right south of Reno in the mountains and it's beautiful. Very near Lake Tahoe. He was hoping we could go out on his boat on the lake and play on his ATV, etc. No such luck. After showering, we hit the bed to sleep...I slept for three hours! Basically spent the whole time there sleeping, lying on his couch and chatting. It was a nice oasis, but I was ready to be home in my own bed...

We left about 9 am the next day to start the LONG drive home...got home by 8 pm and crashed.

I tried to go to work the next day, but had to leave to go to my doctor and get an Xray (when the pneumonia diagnosis was confirmed). After that I was in bed for five days before trying to go back to work (last week's partial days).

So that brings you up-to-date. We haven't uploaded our photos yet...I'm just not that excited about it since it was such a horrible time for me this year. But I will post when we do.

The good news is that I came back having lost a few pounds...and continued to while I was sick despite eating soup for pretty much literally every meal. I know I'm getting better because this week I had to stop those noodle-carbs since the lbs started adding back up again! I'm now back on plan and on my way down the scale...again.

NO time to write but...

2010-08-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

...here's my hair for Burning Man this year! We leave on Sunday and are back after Labor Day. I am excited...and look forward to some rest after all the pre-trip work, setting up, etc. I am 10 lbs. heavier than I was last year at this time. Not happy about it, but that's the truth. At least all my tutus still fit. ;-)

Crazy busy time of year

2010-08-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

We are now in the "my sister and her family from NYC are spending the two weeks before Burning Man at our house" period of the summer. In addition to that, the other paralegal in our department (my former assistant who I trained to do the stuff I hate...and has been doing it for the past 15 years) just had twins two weeks ago so I am stuck doing both her and my jobs for the foreseeable future. The result of this is very little to no time for blogging. :-( I do so appreciate your all still checking in with me though...it nudges me to try to write at least a little bit about what is going on.

I am doing better with exercise. I have been taking long hard beach walks and still doing my yoga practice at home to the point of next-day-(good)-soreness. I feel good that I have gotten back on that wagon even a little bit. It will be dodgy the next couple of weeks with the NYC family in town and with pre-BM prep, but I will keep trying...just like I said in my last post.

The result of the increased exercise is that the lbs are coming off...very slowly, but surely. It is a relief to see that happening again. I won't be at my low weight before we leave for BM (on August 29), but at least I won't be as heavy as I was a few weeks ago. And maybe my favorite tutu/crinoline will still fit! ;-)

My NYC family is sensitive to my food issues so they don't offer me the vacationy carbs that they have lying around the house and that is great! :-) It's really fun to have them with us...even though I can't take any days off work while they are here. My niece is now a full 2 inches taller than me at 13! She is beautiful, sweet, smart, artistic and, to use her favorite word, AMAZING. ;-) My nephew (8) is hilariously funny and clever, adorably cuddly and just a total sweetheart. It totally sucks that I see them a max of two times a year.

We have SO MUCH to get done pre-BM...it's not as bad as the past years because we have a system and most of our reusable supplies...but it will still be hectic next week (the NYC Fam is leaving for 4 days to another part of Cali and we will use those days to get ready!).

Tomorrow night DB is playing drums with a band at a bar in our 'hood (on the beach)...I have actually never seen him play out like this so I am very excited! Then, on Thursday, our neighborhood is having an "art crawl" (lots of "pop-up" galleries and events within walking distance). One of our friends is opening his huge loft on the boardwalk as a gallery and DB will be playing a new instrument that is kind of a drum/bell thingee for that. This is all after he and my brother-in-law rocked out in the studio last night...a big music week! :-)

So, anyway, I am doing better. And the sun has even been out the past two mornings when I walked down the beach to get my coffee early! Ahhhhh...

Exercise and The Weight

2010-08-05T11:56:00.000-07:00

Vickie's comment nudged me to write this post that has been percolating for a few (maybe several) days. Like many of Us, I find it hard to write when I am struggling...putting words to what is going on can be painful. Of course, I know that from pain comes growth...

I've been doing badly with The Weight. I have gained back quite a bit of what I lost last year pre-St. John vacation...I still am about 9 pounds below where I started last year and 19 below THN (The Horrible Number), but what I see on the scale each day is NOT GOOD.

I still weigh every day...no matter how bad it is. And that probably has kept me from completely going off the deep end. I have many excuses, but there is, I think, one big reason and one small reason for why this has happened:

Small reason: Not eating perfectly on plan. No perfect days anymore although most are very good.

BIG REASON: No real exercise since ski season stopped for us in May.

For some reason, once I let the exercise slack off, it is extremely hard for me to get back in that good rut. I do take a small walk each morning to get coffee (about a mile round trip) but, while that is a very good habit, it is not enough.

I have been beating myself up about this for several weeks...and this week I finally really made an effort to DO something about it.

Monday night, DB and I took a very long beach walk (probably about 3+ miles). Beach walking is hard on my knees so I always am concerned. This has made our recent beach walks (we still have done one or two a week through this HORRIBLY GRAY summer) slower than they should be for real exercise. We stroll. Monday we didn't stroll...we walked hard enough to break a sweat. This meant no hand-holding...it's easier to really stride when you are not physically connected. We could use more of our bodies (arms) while we walked. We walked a lot farther than we have in a long time. And it felt good. My knees were fine. The next day I felt a teeny bit sore in my legs and butt and that was good.

Tuesday night I had resolved to do yoga. I miss yoga. My thumb/wrist has been better enough for at least a few weeks to have gone. But I still am struggling with the studio...the vibe there is just, I don't know, TOO MUCH. The teacher/owner is so very peppy and everyone is so chatty before and after class and the studio is too small to really get away from all that SCATTERED energy.

I spent most of Tuesday thinking about what to do off-and-on. I was determined to practice my yoga...checked out a website that does streaming on demand classes, but it seemed to be all ashtanga/power yoga. NOT what I need. Thought about The Studio. Even e-mailed the teacher and told her I might be back. But something kept me from totally committing to this. I thought about practicing at home, but I have never been truly successful with a home practice...never push myself enough...never get really peaceful...monkey-mind working overtime...never able to just feel what I need and do it.

On the drive home from work, I was still undecided. I put some bhajans into the cd player and chanted. It became clear to me that The Studio was not going to make me happy...at least not that day. I reminded myself that I know yoga very very well and that after all these years of study I certainly should be able to put what I know into practice. MY PERSONAL PRACTICE. The final sign was a guy about 3 blocks from my home that I saw wearing a hoodie that said "guru". Yes, I said to myself, you are your own guru...remember that.

So I went home. Got DB to agree to leave the living room/kitchen area to me for an hour (he was happy to) because the ceiling upstairs in my office is not high enough for me to really stretch UP. I got all my props downstairs, got my "yoga" playlist going on my iTunes on the computer, lit incense, turned off most of the lights and sat down on my bolster to begin.

I took my time. I really waited to begin asana until my breath was calmer. I did alternate nostril breathing to balance. I cleared my head. Even sitting on the bolster hurt my hips...I am so out of yoga-shape.

When I started to move (still seated on the bolster), I moved slowly and with intention. I paid attention to the parts of me that felt sore. I moved instinctively into more asana from there...

I warmed up my body with variations on sun salutations and standing poses. I saved my favorites (trikonasana and half moon) for last as a treat. My body remembers the poses...even if it can't do them the way it used to. It felt good. I held poses for just as long as I should...if I felt too much physical discomfort or pain, I moved on to the next. (None of this is possible for me in a class...there is always some point where you are doing what the teacher says, not what your body does.)

After the standing poses, I worked my way down and did some intense ab work, bridge and bow. Then stretches, twists, headstand and shoulder stand. I finished off in my favorite way with fish pose, then savasana. I took my time with savasana...I've never been able to do that before in home practice.

Throughout the practice when the spirit moved me I chanted along with the music...and when I sat up after savasana, I chanted while I sat and thanked the universe for a truly spectacular home practice...I thanked ME.

I felt so great and empowered by this practice the other night. I can't wait to try again tonight (last night we had to do shopping for Grandbaby's belated birthday celebration on Friday).

My body is still sore in a good way today. And a few pounds have come off this week.

I will keep trying.

The -versary week (-end)

2010-07-27T13:46:00.001-07:00

As DB says, we celebrate a lot of "-versaries" -- Winkaversary (the day I winked at him on Match), E-mailaversary (the day we first exchanged e-mails), Talkaversary (the day we first talked on the phone), Anniversary (the day we first met) and Smoochaversary (self-explanatory). Then, yesterday was my "Emaversary" -- the first day I met my granddaughter, Emily (then 4 1/2). So, that's the week between July 19 and July 26 every year! One day in there (7/22) is our littlest grandson's birthday (he was just one last week) too. Seven "holidays" in one week is my kinda week! ;-)

Our trip last weekend was fantastic:

We left my office around 5:30 and drove to Madonna Inn (google it, it's worth looking at the site...sorry, I forget how to add clean links here). What an adventure! I had wanted to stay there forever and never had. We reserved one of the rooms (they're all themed) with rock walls and rock shower...it was kitschy, but kind of luxurious at the same time.

When we arrived about 9 pm, they had a bottle of champagne and a "Happy Anniversary" balloon in our room -- nice touch! Then we went to "the pink restaurant" (see steakhouse on website) for dinner...I just wanted to sit in that gaudy room, but we ended up having a fantastic meal -- the best steak and blue cheese dressing (not together) that I ever had. DB and I think they must put some kind of yummy additive in there that makes it taste just amazing, but we have no idea what...bacon extract maybe? ;-)

The bathroom in our room had not only a heated toilet seat (which was a lot nicer than it sounds), but also a bidet feature -- that washed and dried! LOL It was silly and fun.

Friday morning we got up early because we were only staying there one night and I was determined to enjoy as much of the place as possible. We headed to the pool and hot tub area...the path up the hill was planted with some of the most fragrant plants I've ever smelled. It was a cloudy and cool morning (like every one in Cali this summer) but the pool (which had no edge...never saw one of those before) was heated enough that we could jump back and forth between it and the hot tub. They also have a waterfall and "lagoon" in the pool area. Yes, this is Disneyland for adults.

After our hot tub/pool adventure, my ex-assistant (one of the good ones who lives up there now) met us for brunch before we took off up the coast. She gave us some great tips about our trip from the local perspective.

On the way up Route 1 to Big Sur, they have an "elephant seal viewing area". Ex-Assistant said we should definitely stop. When we got there, it was so crowded that we almost didn't but I am SO happy we did!! I had never seen these creatures (they are only there at certain times of the year) and to see them in their natural environment? Wild. My first view was two of them sparring in the shallow water of the ocean...they looked like dinosaurs...seriously! They are HUGE. We stayed and watched them for a very long time. It was one of the highlights of the trip for me!

Then we kept going up Route 1...which has got to be one of the most beautiful drives in North America...and, for me, who is really REALLY afraid of windy roads, one of the most unnerving. I have to drive the windy parts or I get really sick at my stomach.

We stopped when we got close to Big Sur at a restaurant called Nepenthe (famous -- you can google it too) and had some wine and cheese to enjoy the view. Finally we arrived at our cabin in the redwoods around 5:30...it was SPECTACULAR. Very very remote...set in amongst a redwood grove on the edge of a canyon with a stream below that you heard all the time. The most fun part of the place was that the bathroom was out on the deck...so you went to the bathroom and showered and took bubble baths in the claw-foot tub under the redwoods! Wow. It was remote so not weird...no one could see you.

When we got there, we were sorry not to have shopped for the whole weekend because we didn't want to leave at all! But we hadn't, so we dressed to head down to the coast (about 4 miles from where we were) to get some dinner. The food at the restaurant was not good, but the view was and the waitress was great and we had a good time. That's the Anniversary night above.

Saturday we got up and headed into Carmel for groceries so we wouldn't have to leave the cabin again until Sunday...and we didn't. We lazed around all day...napping in the hammock, reading on the deck, and even trying the hike down to the stream (big mistake on my knees...still paying the price...trail was way too slippery, steep and narrow). For dinner, we snacked and I cooked some salmon. Then we had a long bubble bath. Niiiiice.

It was so chilly there that we had to have the propane fireplace on most of the time, but that was cozy. The whole place was just beyond our wildest dreams. We can't wait to go back.

The drive back on Sunday was less fun...it took us something like 7 hours even though we went the "faster" way. DB got a horrible allergy attack (something is wrong with the air-conditioner in his car) and felt really sick by the time we got home. But we both agreed that it was yet another fantastic -versary weekend!

I am a lucky woman...he is a special man.

(Today is Sheila's birthday. We are going out with some friends to celebrate at one of her favorite restaurants.)

Life goes on...

2010-07-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

...but the planet seems a little empty without Sheila on it.

I want to write the full story here so I have it to remember. We are headed out of town tonight for our 6th anniversary celebration...going to Big Sur. I am excited for this. Bad news is that my weight is really bad. I am certain it is from NO exercise and I am going to try hard to get back on that wagon when we get home. I know that grief is no excuse, but it's been very hard to focus on being "good" the past 2 weeks.

Here's what happened:

Friday, July 9, at 12:30 I got a call from a friend of Sheila's, Patty. Sheila (who had been fighting AML -- leukemia) for almost two years is probably nearing the end. Of course, I totally lose it. They think she has maybe a couple of days. I talk with Patty and another friend of Sheila's who lives in SoCal. We all agree that it is stupid to try to go back to NY to see her...she is surrounded by lifelong friends who have been taking care of her so well. I, inadvertently, start a snowball of e-mails by sending a quick one to the friends I know just so we have each other's e-mail addresses...everyone starts chiming in with memories of Sheila,
prayers, love...

I cry most of the afternoon on Friday, but I still go out to see Eclipse on Friday night as planned with a friend. Right before the movie, I get an e-mail from another of Sheila's nearest and dearest LA people. I tell him what I know: Sheila tried to drive herself to the hospital on Tuesday, July 6 (stubborn woman!) and collapsed in her parking lot. Her landlady had to call a friend to come take her. They say she is in and out of consciousness. They have stopped treatments and are giving her morphine to keep her comfortable. We cry.

Saturday there are many more emails from the Circle of Sheila Friends (as we are calling ourselves). I drink three Bloody Marys at breakfast to try to be able to sleep the horrible afternoon away, but all I end up doing is lying in bed crying. So many many tears. Late in the day, with no bad news, some of us dare to hope that she will make it through. I bought her a birthday present (her birthday is
7/27). DB and I went out to a fun show for the 16th b-day of the daughter of some friends and we go to bed very late, very drunk and very hopeful.

We wake up Sunday morning to the dreaded e-mail. Sheila passed away that morning. I can't stop crying and saying "nonononononononono". DB is crying too. We ultimately pull ourselves together and head out for coffee and breakfast. We decide to go to Sheila's favorite beach restaurant where we never go because the service sucks so bad. I'm crying off and on the whole time. I can't believe it. Sheila was only 63, always watched what she ate, always exercised, very into yoga, etc.

We get to the restaurant and, for the first time EVER, we get great service. We thank Sheila. :-) Walking home, DB says how much he wishes that he had some sidewalk chalk. Literally THIRTY SECONDS after he said that, we find a box of it, completely full, on the boardwalk. We thank Sheila again. Her spirit is SO powerful. It always was. All I keep thinking is that I can't believe this horrible thing has happened...I feel like nothing is real...but I go back home to bed with Bloody Marys. Same result as Saturday...no sleep, just tears.

We watched Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (movie) on Netflix instant to try to kill some of the horrible day. Then it was time for sunset. I opened a bottle of wine that I had been keeping to have with Sheila when she came "home" to Venice...it was bottled the year I met her at the winery where we met at a yoga retreat. DB and I took our cocktails down to the beach to watch the sunset of Sheila's last day. Our hearts were breaking.

Thank God for the Circle of Sheila Friends. By e-mails, we had a community to go through this with and it was a blessing. Sheila created this Circle for her...and for us.

I know (and I know she believed/believes this too) that her spirit lives on. In fact, I actually wrote her an e-mail on Sunday night (the day she died)...I needed to talk with her. It made me cry, but it made me feel better too.

We had a get-together last Thursday (7/15) night with some of her L.A. friends...a wake of sorts. Last week I edited the obituary that ran in the Woodstock (NY) paper and submitted it to the entertainment trades (she was in the business). On her birthday next week, several of us will go to her favorite Mexican. Finally, her NY friends will be sending us some of her ashes...they will sprinkle some in their ocean and we will in ours.

I miss her so much. I love her so much.

I love you, Sheila

2010-07-11T15:01:00.000-07:00

I will miss you forever.

HOME

2010-07-08T11:09:00.001-07:00

I wrote a blog yesterday about my weekend and saved it in Word. Every time I trIed to post it, I got a message that says "Your HTML cannot be accepted: Tag is not allowed: META". WHAT?! :-(

Anyway, this morning I googled and found what I hope works...we'll see...I'll never type in Word first again! Here goes:

Yes, I made it home safe and sound...whew! This pre-trip was the WORST. I've got to figure out how to deal with flying better. The Valium did actually help, I think. I had 1 1/2 martinis before I got on the plane, then 1/4 pill before take-off, then 2 glasses of wine in flight. It was a smooth one, so I felt ok...in fact, for the first time in AGES, I actually looked out the window for the last 1/2 hour! Wow. On the way back, I didn't have as much time at the airport so had to slam a glass of wine and 1/4 pill. It was stormy so bumpy and no alcohol service during the bumps. I was NOT happy...took another 1/4 pill. Made it through until wine came. But I am SO HAPPY that I don't have to fly again for a while!!! :-)

The stay in St. Paul was really fantastic. Got in on time on Friday night (midnight their time). Friend picked me up in her VW Bug convertible and we were home by 12:30. We had a glass of wine on her dock out in the middle of her lake then to bed (sounds like a lot of booze, but this was over several hours...and time zones!). Saturday I woke up and just put my bathing suit and shorts on...and that's all I wore for the rest of the weekend!!! She lives directly on the lake and it was so hot and humid...she lives in her suit too. I literally didn't put on any kind of clothes other than that until I was getting ready to get on the plane back home! ;-) Now THAT is relaxing. :-) We joked that her hubby and granddaughter (who was with us all weekend) hadn't seen me in clothes at all since they were asleep when I arrived...

In the morning on Sat., we just sat in her yard by the lake and on the dock, having coffee, reading, chatting. In the afternoon we headed to Trader Joes for groceries so we didn't have to go out the rest of the weekend. The location is gorgeous...smells amazing...so much green...lake is spring-fed so cool and clean. For dinner on Sat. we went to her sister-in-law's on the other side of the lake for a BBQ with a bunch of friends and family...all the same people came to her place on Sunday evening for BBQ. Fun and relaxing!

Sunday I made breakfast with her granddaughter (adorable 9-year-old who calls me Auntie Helen), then we just lounged, swam, etc. until people came for BBQ. I learned to "tube" (get towed behind a speed boat on a blow-up thingee) which was super-fun. They were going to teach me how to water ski, but we ran out of time. When it got dark (after 9 pm -- a lot later than here), all the fireworks started. It was wild – several people around the lake have their own shows and they are BIG. It went on for over an hour and we were constantly surrounded 360 degrees with shows. So fun to watch from the dock in the lake!

When I woke up on Monday, I realized I should have planned to stay longer...it went so fast and was so relaxing. Oh well. I did miss DB a lot. ;-)

We had pedis on Monday with Friend's sister-in-law for her b-day. Then it was time to head to the airport.

Friend definitely has slowed down. She sleeps until at least 10:30 every morning and gets out of breath really easily. Her heart is working at about 30%...when it gets to 20%, they will need to think transplant. They've got her on meds that keep her pulse at 44/minute and BP at like 75/40 to try to preserve the muscle as long as they can. She is very upbeat and mostly worried about the money – it costs them $9800 each time she goes to Mayo AFTER what the insurance pays. :-(

Oh yeah, I only gained less than a pound!! That is an amazing result for a vacation weekend...especially considering that I had Dairy Queen all three days. ;-) Otherwise I ate well and swam and played a lot. Guess that worked.

Anyway...it was great to see Friend and fun fun fun. And now it's time to look forward to Big Sur in two weeks for our anniversary!! :-)

June Gloom is leaving just as I leave for the weekend

2010-07-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

It was sunny when we took our beach walk this morning! So nice not to have to put on a jacket or get droplets of moisture on my glasses. :-) The weekend is supposed to be sunny and nice here which will be good since DB is having a big BBQ/party on Sunday.

And I am going to Minnesota to rainy/cloudy/HOT. Oh joy. One reason I moved to California was to not have to suffer through the humid summers Back East. Oh well...

I am excited to see my friend and to BE there. Not excited to have to fly to get there. I think I will try the Valium. ;-) I'll be back Monday night.

Weight is at the high end of where it should be (10 lbs over my lowest). I clearly do not want to lose weight enough to actually DO something to make it happen. I will try to be careful with Midwest food this weekend...I'm hoping my friend eats better than she used to due to her heart condition.

Happy 4th to everyone! :-)

June Gloom and Rash

2010-06-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

It's been gray gray gray for days and weeks (with a tiny tiny bit of sun last Sunday). They call it June Gloom in coastal California and this year I'm hating it with a passion. I feel completely gray on days like today. And that is pretty unlike me. I feel unmotivated to kick my exercise and diet up the notch that needs to happen.

AND...

I've had a rash on my inner arms for the past three days. I have wracked my brain and have no idea what might have caused this -- no new laundry detergent, clothes or anything like that. No new food that I never ate before. Benedryl doesn't seem to help it and cortisone cream only helps for a short time. It itches and it's hugely bumpy. I have no known allergies so this is really a pain...

AND...

I'm dealing with The Rash while stressing (yes, maybe it's a stress rash, but I've never had that happen before) over flying this weekend. Yuck, I hate to fly so much. And this weekend I'm going solo to Minnesota to visit a friend who is very sick (idiopathic cardiomyopathy -- which basically means her heart is dying, they don't know why and nothing they are doing to help it is working -- and she's 6 months older than me). I am hating to fly MORE as I get older...I've been feeling nauseous about it this time for almost 3 weeks. :-(

AND...

I'll be missing DB...we haven't been apart for three days in a while.

BUT...

I'll be having a lot of fun with Minnesota Friend (even though it's in the 80s and and supposed to rain all weekend there...). :-)

(With so little sunshiney stuff to say, is it any wonder I don't want to blog?)

Slippery grip

2010-06-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

For the first time, I am sympathizing with those bloggers who say they don't want to write when they aren't doing so well. I tend to look on the positive side of most things and weight is no exception, but I've been struggling for months now and am not really making any headway, except to mitigate damage done by overdoing.

Lately my downfall has definitely been eating out. And this is a hard one for me to remove from my life...I like to eat out and we do it pretty often. And I almost always order very well. Last night, for example, I went to Indian food with a friend. I didn't order a fatty curry full of ghee. I didn't order rice or nan. I ordered a mixed salad (picked out the carrots and didn't eat them) and chicken tikka (grilled boneless chicken with grilled onions and peppers). I ate the whole salad and about 2/3 of the chicken (which was, admittedly, a lot). I had a little pappadam (lentil cracker) and pumpkin/garlic chutney. I had a glass of wine. I think this is a reasonable dinner. The scale didn't.

I still eat very well during the week -- in fact, I have a huge rut and eat virtually the same thing every single day until dinner. Weekends, like Vickie noted in her comment on my last post, are a problem since, while I order well, we eat out. A lot.

I'm not doing a lot of exercise even though I am still walking every morning and a few nights a week. This could be the problem. I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to get back to it...it's June Gloom time here in Cali and it does affect my mood/energy. I'm full of excuses. And this is why I don't want to blog. :-(

Got a grip

2010-06-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to writing my blog, a lot of thoughtful consideration, some teeth-gritting and some VERY APPRECIATED comments from Vickie that I kept running through my mind at tough times, I have gotten my groove back this week. Whew!

I have been perfect on the Crack and have gotten rid of the terrible 8 pounds from last weekend plus another pound for good measure. It goes to show how "easy" it is to get those first lbs off...mine are generally mostly water...when I stop the bad carbs and start drinking lots of water, the first few days are really rewarding. But now it's time to get back into the business of losing and maintaining.

I am happy that I weigh every day and write down every day (since last year). This means that I can go back and see where I was last year, where the weight starts edging up...this gives me clues as to what things are challenging for me, i.e., what I need to work on.

From looking at this record (I've actually been writing down my weight for three years at least weekly), I can see my progress (I weigh substantially less than three years ago), my trends and tendencies (I settle into a 10-pound range where it seems pretty "easy" for me to maintain even when not being perfect), and when I tend to fall (VACATION).

That 10-pound range is something I've been thinking about a lot. The bottom of it is the lowest I have been in the past several years (right before Halloween last year) and the highest is where I am today. I maintained in the lower 5 pounds of that range from last summer until January. When we started skiing (lots of mini-vacations), I drifted to the higher 5 pounds of the range. The weight I am today is the HIGHEST I can really let myself weigh without damaging my knees and without feeling truly awful. Even one pound above this weight feels bad.

The other thing is that I want to edge this "maintenance" range down 10 pounds so that my upper limit is 10 pounds less than I am today. That is my next little step...and it seems that I've been doing this the past three years...each year I'm about 10 pounds less than the year before...so hopefully I will be successful and, next year, will be in the range I want to be.

I'm doing very little exercise since we quit skiing...a couple of beach walks a week with DB (3-4 miles round trip) are pretty much it. I am still struggling with my thumb, but I NEED to get back to yoga. Easier said than done. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to do things for me that make me feel better!

I guess this is all part of the journey...I've been thinking a lot this week about how I will always have these struggles to some extent...and how I need to get myself back in the healthy ruts that make the struggles less.

Thanks to everyone for your comments...it really really helps.

Completely out of control

2010-06-08T16:59:00.001-07:00

I realized this morning that yesterday I did not make ONE good food choice all day. I can't even remember the last time that happened. It has been MANY years since I ate just what I "wanted" for an entire day and damn the consequences. And, boy oh boy, were there consequences. I am not a happy girl. I am a very FAT girl.

Yesterday was just the culmination of 5 days of vacation...during which I was totally good for maybe 12 hours at a stretch on the first day only. 8 pounds in 5 days has to be some kind of a record. And I wasn't at a low weight when I started this vacation so the damage is very very bad.

So many things are running around in my head about me and my food on this vacation. I lost it. I totally lost it. And I've been trying to figure out why. I think it has to do with not being in control of my environment AT ALL. We went somewhere where there were no real cooking facilities. We ate meals at lots of restaurants (SALT and FAT...and I made BAD choices). We did quite a bit of physical activity (hiking, building, hiking some more)...if I had been eating my "normal" way, I would have LOST weight. But I didn't.

So, today, in addition to a truly horrifying number on the scale (which I totally deserve), I am facing knees that feel worse than they have in months (I think I have realized at just what weight my knees can be happy and this ain't it). My whole body is bloated from fat, salt and MASSIVE carbs. I am lucky that anything fit me this morning.

So. I am very disappointed in me. VERY. It's terrifying how I have lost it the past few weeks. I heard a teeny bit of a segment with Al Roker on the Today Show yesterday where he was talking about his weight loss journey. He talked about how he doesn't see a very different person in the mirror than he did when he was much heavier (I think many of Us have talked about the same weird body image problem) and about how he is "one quarter-pounder" away from being fat again. He is so right. My actions this weekend were the actions of an addict. A mindless addict. I bought Ben & Jerrys ICE CREAM last night after dinner (out), for God's sake. And this was after a huge "country" breakfast in the morning, Taco Bell (not the good stuff) lunch and sushi dinner...and NO exercise...just sitting in the car for 8 1/2 hours. I had to write that down to try to get myself to SEE just how horrible it was.

What do I learn here (or HOPEFULLY learn here)?
1. I am now over the weight where my knees are in good shape. I cannot weigh this much, period.
2. When we go away, I need to think long and hard about the situations I will be faced with and have a plan about how to deal with them.
3. I have to take control...again.

Today I started on the carb deplete of the Crack program...again. DB (who has also gained back a lot of the weight he lost last year) is with me...I think. I really need his support on this...and I need to support him (even though I know he'll lose faster than me...and maybe not be as strict as me...and that makes me jealous).

Oh yeah...and in addition to the fun of our weekend (which, other than overdoing it, was REALLY fun and in a totally beautiful part of California that I had never visited before)...my second uncle in two weeks died while we were gone. No more aunts or uncles left. And this last one really hit me hard...I knew him better than my other aunts and uncles...he was my dad's only brother. Uncle G loved my dad so much that he still cried when he talked about him almost 20 years after my dad died. He had the greatest smile and laugh. Like my dad, he was a truly good-hearted man. He had a good long life and he missed my aunt (who died about a year and a half ago) a lot...they had been married for 60 years or something like that and he told me when I last saw him that he would be ready to go when she did. I am getting all teary again writing this...goodbye, Uncle G, I was so lucky to have you in my life. You probably never knew how much I felt that.

Off to camping...

2010-06-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

...feeling VERY fat. I need exercise and to seriously STOP salt.

It's supposed to rain where we are going until Saturday so we'll be staying in a motel for the first two nights. Back on Tuesday...hopefully having not gained MORE. :-(

Still here (thanks, Vickie, for jiggling me to write)

2010-05-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a nice busy week. No real progress on LOSING because I had three beers last Sunday while I had one of the BEST Sundays ever lolling on our futon bed in our front yard, snuggling with DB and reading my Kindle (Girl With The Dragon Tattoo -- I'm late to the party, I know, but I'm into it!) and it took me until Wednesday to lose those 4 pounds. But I'm maintaining comfortably and having fun COOKING dinner again:

Monday I made trout with thyme and lemon (baked) and we had that stir-fry cabbage yummy for a side dish.

Tuesday was hamburger on our "usual" salad.

Wednesday, I did baked boneless chicken breasts stuffed with gorgonzola cheese, brussels sprouts sauteed with shallots and a tomato salad with feta dressing (last one was for DB and our dinner guest, not me...I'm still not eating tomatoes).

Last night I went out, but was pretty good: cheeseburger with no bun, romaine salad with bacon bits and blue cheese dressing and a couple of glasses of champagne (no carbs).

I also skipped my bread every morning this week. Had to get those beer lbs. OFF. NO MORE BEER, HELEN. Much as it's yummy and perfect for summer. :-(

We do have big plans for the weekend -- tonight, after work, I'm shopping for our "End-of-Ski-Season-Welcome-Home" party that we are having Sunday night. A simple beach day, BBQ and music evening for about 50 people. ;-) Tomorrow PD1 and her family (including her 4 kids) are coming over and will spend the night so we'll have them with use for at least 24 hours...yay! (PD2 and her family are coming to the party on Sunday too.) Tomorrow night we are going to see the premier of an opera that was composed by one of our best friends. Monday we are RECOVERING. ;-) And packing for our camping trip next weekend (leaving on Thursday).

So, I'm still plodding along. Not back to yoga yet (although I finally went to a hand doctor and now am in a brace for my thumb for 8 weeks...and he gave me some good tips so I may be able to practice before then). I am walking my mile every morning and at least two evenings a week am walking a lot more on the beach. My doctor (had my annual physical last Monday) says this is good. I can't wait to get some more tone back into my arms. But I will be patient.

Wishing everyone a fun Memorial Day weekend!

Boredom is the mother of invention

2010-05-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned last post, I have been getting tired of our go-to dinner salad. I love to cook and I have been missing doing that. It was also cold and rainy on Monday when I went grocery shopping this week so I went a little wacky and bought new ingredients to try new dinners this week. So far the results have been yummy, if I do say so myself (DB says so too, by the way)!!

Here's what we've had so far (all of these dinners took 1/2 hour or less of work):

Monday night: As I mentioned in comments on my last post, I made a tri-tip roast on Monday night. Rather than just putting it in the oven, I seasoned it with chili powder and cinnamon (my new obsession). It turned out perfectly medium rare after cooking for just about 40 minutes. I also roasted veggies (brussels sprouts, zucchini and asparagus) in 1/4 cup of balsamic and 1/4 cup of olive oil. I put that in the oven at the same temp as I was cooking the tri-tip (425) for about 20 minutes.

Tuesday night: Bought some pollo asado from Trader Joes (pre-seasoned/marinated/very thinly sliced/not too much sodium). Grilled it in a pan while I made our usual salad and put the warm chicken on top. Spicy and warm with the cold salad is oh-so-good.

Wednesday night (I am most proud of this one as I have literally NEVER cooked pork before in my life except bacon): I had bought a pork tenderloin on Monday night...no carbs, low fat...but I had no idea what to do with it. Found a recipe on-line that I modified: 1 T olive oil, cumin, crushed garlic, cinnamon and (sparse) ground cloves. Mixed all that up and put it on the pork. Baked at 450 for 20 minutes, then sliced into medallions. While that was cooking, I also put in a casserole of simply sliced zucchini with parmesan cheese. By the time the pork was done, so was the zucchini. While that was in the oven, I cooked up some onions and cabbage on the stove -- with 1 T butter, some horseradish and spicy mustard. This was the most delish meal yet! :-)

I have never really cooked with meat so this week has been a big risk...so far, so good!

Some recipe ideas that I think are yummy

2010-05-13T13:18:00.001-07:00

I have come up with a couple of dishes that are making it easier to "Crack" down again and thought I would share:

Salad: Our go-to dinner on this program is a big yummy salad, but I was getting kind of bored with the same old, same old (even though I am a person who can eat the same thing for every meal 5 days a week usually and be ok). I needed to shake up our usual nighttime salad to get myself not to want to go out to eat every night (see prior post about how I have been reminded that eating out a lot is really hard on the scale). The other night, DB had some friends over to play music with him in his studio and so I was on my own for dinner. I went to make my usual salad and saw that the mushrooms we had were a teeny bit old...so I took them, chopped up some red onion and put them in to saute. While they cooked, I made the usual rest of the salad (some yummy lettuce, cucumbers and celery) and added some vinaigrette (full fat, no carb, red wine/oil vinaigrette from Trader Joes). When the onions and mushrooms were hot and soft, I put them on top of the salad and topped it all off with some blue cheese crumbles. The cheese melts into the hot veggies...delish! I like a sharp cheese to get more bang for my calories. This salad is a quick and easy variation on another one we like to make for special occasions and it is very very satisfying to the tummy and the taste buds. :-)

Cinnamon and cottage cheese "dessert": This morning I read in Prevention magazine about how cinnamon can really help your body process glucose (great for us on low-carb, watching to keep from developing diabetes programs). I use cinnamon in my coffee every morning. DB and I were talking about how to get this into our diet more and I thought of adding it to cottage cheese...so we tried it (we use full fat cottage cheese)! Yum yum yum. Very cheesecake/desserty tasting. I will do this when I need something sweet. Very low-carb. I would add about 1/2 teaspoon to 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and maybe toss in some stevia if it's not sweet enough for you without.

I happily got on the scale this morning and it's down lower than it has been in a month. THAT is what eating at home for two days can do for me. Of course, we're going out tonight, but the end of the "up" is in sight. I've been maintaining at about 5 lbs over my lowest weight pretty much the whole ski season...sometimes the scale would show me up to 12 lbs over the lowest (ok, that was just one day, but it was a SUCKY day). I'm ready to get down to my lowest...and 10 lbs more...before our anniversary trip in July (or sooner). :-)

Hey, self!

2010-05-12T13:42:00.001-07:00

Remember when you wrote last week about salt? Well, hey, SOY SAUCE IS SALT! I swear sometimes I have to yell at myself...and it still doesn't get through!

DB has been very sick this week so I got him some hot & sour soup from our local Chinese food emporium on Monday night. I also got myself some veggies and protein. BIG MISTAKE. My weight sky-rocketed up over two pounds overnight. And there was NO other reason other than the soy sauce in the dish. (It's back down today, thank goodness.)

I love Chinese food. I love soy sauce. But I don't think I can eat it anymore.

Other than this, I am saying "hey, self!" and trying to motivate to get back on the Crack program full-on. DB needs to as well. We have both been very lax over the winter/ski season. Time to get serious again...bathing suit season is right around the corner.

I don't like this up-and-down, but I realized yesterday that this will probably be life forever for me. I will constantly have to be vigilant...if I ever eat what I really WANT to, I gain. This realization is ok...I'd rather be careful than fat. And logging my weight every single day makes me accountable...I absolutely HATE putting in higher numbers. But I do it.

I'm also looking for exercises that will mimic the benefit I got from skiing this year. My knees are in better shape than in a long time. DB thinks I need to work on the muscles around the quads (on both sides) as well as the quads...those are harder to get to. But I'm talking to my teachers and researching. I want to keep this good leg/core tone. I think I need to really buckle down and learn to rollerblade...that action is probably the closest I'm going to get to skiing until next winter. :-)

Busy should not be an excuse for not eating right

2010-05-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling "as-salted" as Vickie would say.

I've been eating out WAY too much and, as of this morning, I realize why I keep gaining lbs -- it's the salt, stupid! I am struggling...my weight is not going down, it is going up...not a lot, but still too much. And I am not really trying very hard. We are busy and eating out A LOT. It's fun and I do eat better than most people I see but I have no idea what is really going in the food I am eating.

Last night was the piece de resistance: we went out for dinner pre-theatre (our bimonthly Theatre Date Night). I ate a pretty good dinner -- fish and salad appetizer, steak and salad entree, sparkling wine, vodka cocktail -- the only "bad" thing was some crackers. The portions were not too big and I had eaten very carefully all day (less than usual). I felt like I navigated the Cinco de Mayo Mexican food thing pretty well. But nooooo...I got on the scale this morning and it showed 2.5 pounds up. Very not happy was I.

And then I realized that both DB and I were VERY thirsty after dinner...unusually so...and we are used to going to this restaurant pre-theatre all the time. We had to drink and drink and drink from the water fountain at the theatre. Wham! It occurred to me that we were as-salted. WAY too much salt in our meals for some reason. No idea why, but I am SURE that is it.

So, after our last ski weekend of the year this weekend, I plan to rededicate myself to our better habits and first among those is eating at home A LOT more. There's only so much you can control at a restaurant no matter how careful you are.

Getting tired of maintaining

2010-04-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

I guess that's a good thing...I'm getting tired of maintaining in this range so hopefully will be motivated to get going DOWN the scale again soon. I hate waking up and wondering which of my pants will fit (there are subtle fit differences even though they're all the same size these days).

Photo above is me in another salwar kameez...this is the dressy one that I wore for the black tie event on Wednesday. Super comfy and I got lots of compliments (this photos is at the end of the evening so I'm not so fresh looking but you get the idea).

We're headed up north again tonight for a three-day ski weekend -- this will probably be the last 3-dayer of the season (although we're going up for two days over Mother's Day weekend -- taking my mom so she can see the scenery). We are a "well-oiled ski machine" (DB's term) at this point -- it takes me 15 minutes to pack for the three days and us about 10 minutes to pack the car with everything including skis and gear. :-) They got another foot of snow this week so conditions will hopefully be good...and not too slushy too early in the day.

Superiorly fun at-home weekend

2010-04-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, we actually stayed home this weekend and had a ball!

Friday night, we planned to have dinner with a friend and that got rescheduled because her aunt died the day before. We decided not to cram another friend into that "spot" at the last minute and just planned to have an evening with us. We took a long beach walk (we've been doing this a lot lately...now that it's spring and lighter later I can do it after work...it's working for me better than yoga at the moment), then went to dinner and early to bed.

Saturday, we did our morning Coffee Beach Walk, then went out for breakfast at a cheap place nearby. I was raring to go because a friend of ours who just got back from a trip to India was going to take me shopping in the afternoon to "Little India" (a 4-block stretch in a town nearby). We left about 11:30 and I got home at 7!!!! What fun! It was really like being in India for the afternoon (although cleaner according to my friend)...lots of shops...everyone was Indian and wearing Indian garb. It has been ages since I went shopping (which I love to do), so I went a little bananas. ;-) Bought five salwar cameez outfits (see photo of me above)...I'll probably give at least one away, but they were such a bargain at $25/each (including pants, tunic and lovely scarf). They are so cool, comfy and flattering. One of the ones I bought is so beautiful that I will wear it to a black-tie event I am attending this Wednesday.

We also had lunch at a Indian buffet where we were the only non-Indians there. I stuck with the meat and veggie dishes, had no rice and only one small thin piece of nan (bread). It was delicious. Oh yeah, I did have a couple of bites of the desserts (which were yummy and not too sweet -- which I why I probably liked them): halwa (made from carrots and almonds, I think) and kheer (made from rice and cream). It was worth the carbs, believe me. ;-)

I bought some pillow covers for throw pillows on our bed, an outfit for DB, four cds (yoga/mantra music that I love), Om and Ganesh stickers for my car and ski helmet, Indian groceries (WAY cheaper there than in my neighborhood) AND I got my eyebrows threaded for $4.99!!!! (I usually pay over $10 for waxing.) So many fun new experiences!

Saturday evening, DB and I did a little beach walk again and then dinner (burger and salad is my new favorite "treat" dinner).

Yesterday we were going to sleep in, but noooooooo. About 8:30 we heard a huge bang. Our electricity went off so DB went out back to investigate and found that it was a transformer that blew when a mylar balloon got into the electric wires. Yikes. We and all our neighbors called 911 and DWP to get service. Then we got back into bed and BANG! again. Louder this time. One of the wires out back had now broken, was lying across our tenant's apartment roof in the back and was on fire! I got dressed at this point to go see myself. The fire was incredibly hot but, luckily, landed on concrete (which it burned). Of course, we all were calling 911 again and now the fire department came...

By the time they arrived, the fire was out (until they touched the wire again). VERY hot (4800 watts going through this wire). The fire dept cut the wire so it wasn't a danger to anyone and DWP came soon after to fix it all. Whew. But a huge part of our neighborhood was without electricity all morning.

While they were fixing the power, we walked to coffee and breakfast at a new place. We were celebrating the 50th anniversary of my parents' first date. :-)

In the afternoon, we had our new petsitter come see the lay of the land before our next ski weekend (three days this coming weekend)...she got a ticket for talking on the phone with me as I "talked her in" to our parking spot. :-( But she seems nice and, luckily, doesn't have a puppy like our last, beloved sitter...after we took care of the puppy twice recently (including last week) and realized that she is (a) not house-trained, (b) chews everything including our antique sofa, and (c) most importantly, terrorizes my elderly gentleman Doglet, we realized we can't have her stay anymore.

After that meeting, I went to buy some work pants (I only had two pairs and am liking pants more than skirts right now). It was fun because everything I tried on fit! So I got to choose what looked good on me. Got two pairs for $25 total. Then went for a pedicure which I hadn't had in ages.

Last night I went to dinner with a good friend...just girls...and I wore a salwar cameez (above). Fun!

Today it's kind of interesting in my work neighborhood because the President is going to be staying at the hotel next door tonight. The 'hood is on lock-down as you can imagine. I wish I could see him! :-)

I'm feeling better physically...either it's the acupuncture or hormonal rebalancing or both. Either way, I'm so happy that episode seems to be OVER. :-)

More more more

2010-04-09T13:52:00.000-07:00

We're going this weekend for yet more skiing...will be a two-day weekend instead of three so, while less skiing, it will also be less stress since I won't have to take any time off work.

I've been having more "symptoms" this week...emotionality (very very stressed out feeling) on Tuesday and hot flashes (which I almost never have) the next two days. One of my breasts is also feeling very achy in the mornings. I have been in contact with my gyne and she suggested upping some of my supplement that I take to help metabolize the hormones. It feels better today. But that could be because of the ibuprofen I'm taking to make my back feel better (something jogged it out of whack last night and I woke up in quite a lot of pain). I've been icing today and keeping on the ibu...it feels a lot better...hopefully will be ok to ski.

I have not been perfect in eating, but I am being good. Weight is maintaining.

More pieces of the puzzle

2010-04-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

I went to see my gyne today and more pieces of the puzzle fell into place: since November my estrogen level has plummeted. She says that this OFTEN causes her patients to call with horrible debilitating anxiety attacks that they have never had before. Aha! While we are not sure what caused this (onset of REAL menopause or maybe a supplement I started taking in November to help metabolize my bioidentical hormones properly), we can work to fix it by adjusting my hormone intake. Yay! :-)

I am feeling better but not great. Have really been looking forward to this weekend at home (i.e., not away skiing) to rest. Unfortunately, it looks like PD1 is heading to the emergency room tonight with horrible gallbladder attack...we are actually hoping that they send her to emergency surgery because this has been bothering her for a long time. She has no insurance so I am not sure how that all works. I wish we had universal health care so we wouldn't have to worry about costs. Anyway, DB will head up there tonight to watch the kids. I really can't miss work tomorrow so I won't be going with him. :-( And I think this means our quiet, relaxing weekend at home is shot. I am happy that PD1 is getting this done but, selfishly, really bummed about losing my much-needed weekend.

We have been planning not to go back skiing for another 3 weeks but, with it snowing in the Sierras, I am getting more and more tempted to try to work another 3-day weekend a week from tomorrow. Selfish to take time to do this and not to take time to help DB with the kids tomorrow, I know.

I had a great lesson last weekend and I really feel like I am becoming a good (NOT great) skier. I am so proud of myself for being tenacious with this when it looked like I would never get off the beginner slopes. :-)

My yoga studio changed the description of its 7:30 Tuesday and Thursday classes to "gentle flow" (possibly because of some things I said to the teacher). I went on Tuesday and it was good (not great). The teacher, while a sweetheart and really trying to help me, is not really a TEACHER. She's a pose-caller-outer. It's frustrating to me. I will work with it for a while longer though...we'll see what happens.

I'm still maintaining. I read something that Vickie wrote to someone (Cindy, I think) saying that catching yourself at the 5 lb. up mark is so important and that that is part of maintenance. I've been doing that for months now. ;-)

Figuring some things out

2010-03-23T15:48:00.001-07:00

I went back to my acupuncture/Chinese medicine doctor last Thursday. As I suspected, I felt better immediately. He knows me very well and treats very holistically, taking both Western and Eastern medicine principles into account -- he treats the whole me -- mind, body and spirit. He is a great teacher in my life...not to mention a partial psychiatrist, therapist, physical therapist, general practitioner, yoga teacher, etc. I am lucky to have him.

The insights and treatment he gave me got me started in figuring this whole anxiety/physical symptom thing out. He agrees there is probably something not healed right in my right wrist that gives me pain when I practice yoga. For that, he is sending me for an MRI. In the meantime, he is treating me for the pain...and offers me good suggestions as to how to mitigate the pain while practicing my yoga. The pains in my left arm and chest are probably stress/anxiety that I'm holding in my body. The acupuncture treatment he gave me last week started to release some of what I've been holding in my body.

I went back today for my next treatment and, while on the table, some real revelations started to crystallize for me.

I told him about my yoga experience last night...again, I came home crying afterwards. SO frustrated that the class is NOT giving me what I need and am craving. "And what is that?" he asked. "Peace." That slid out of my mouth easily. And that's what is missing. The yoga classes are so "ashtanga" -- one breath per pose, no time to really get into the pose and get the benefit. It sucks. And I go looking for something that I am not getting...always hopeful, always disappointed. No wonder I end up crying.

I also told him that I think I am actually stressed about work -- I'm trying to do all of my work in 9/10 of the time when we are going away skiing for 3-day weekends every two weeks. I appreciate my firm being so nice in letting me take this time and I am hyper-aware of not making them regret it...because I have more time off that I want to take to come!

I'm also stressed about my "life" work -- I'm trying to do all of it in 11/14 of the time. That's a lot.

Finally, it occurs to me that I have had "doom" feelings before when my hormones were out of balance...they weren't like this horrible anxiety I've had lately, but I am really wondering if it is related. I had blood drawn yesterday for my appointment with my gyne next week...I'll meet with acupuncture Doctor after that.

So Doctor says to me that it is clear that I have got a lot of "yang" (male, active, stressy) energy in my life and what I need (desperately) is "yin" (female, nurturing, relaxed). My yoga class is super-yang and that's why I am hating it and it's making me cry. Even my skiing is very yang. I need something else right now to BALANCE me out. He mentioned that a day in bed just relaxing might not be such a bad idea...but we Westerners have a hard time doing that. I know I do.

With that, he inserted the needles (the ones for the "sad" area in my left shoulder, my hurt right hand and top of my head -- wisdom area -- were particularly active today) and left me for my 25 or so minutes to percolate and meditate. It's a quiet room, warm massage table with heating pads and lamp, fountain and soft music running. I have been very emotional there lately so it takes me a minute to calm my mind and ponder while the needles do their work.

What Doctor said to me rang VERY true. I have gotten signs of this need for balance a lot lately...most recently at our Ostara (pagan spring equinox thing) that we went to at our "church of the backyard" on Sunday. We hunted for Ostara eggs and the token inside was something for each of us to mediate on. I instantly loved mine (these were not chosen for us individually by the people who set it up...it was luck...or I like to think it was the Universe sending me a message). It is a ceramic bead with a moon and sun on it. The moon (which I always relate more to than the sun) is in front of the sun and has a happy face on one side and a sad/perplexed face on the other. When you look CLOSELY, you can hardly tell which brushstrokes of the brush are different on the two faces...interesting. Balance between the two sides. The moon is also a symbol of the feminine (sun is masculine)...thus, the yin is in front of the yang on my bead. I didn't relate this to my current situation until this morning.

In addition, in our Ostara ceremony, one of the participants was talking about bunnies...bunny ears in particular. She was saying that she was wondering what made the Mad Hatter mad...and she thought it was his ears. But was it because he was trying with his big ears to hear things he couldn't? Or because he heard things with his big ears that he didn't want to? Hmmmm...there's a nugget in there that I need to hear (word-use intended).

All of this is very resonant for me. I left my treatment feeling very very happy. (It's later in the day now and the yang-stress of the day has really gotten to me...but I was feeling good THEN.) I will meditate more on all this. And I will keep working to get what I need to feel better.

(And, yes, we are going skiing this weekend! I do love it and this weekend will be the first one we've had this year that is just DB and me...so ROMANTIC ski weekend...even better!) :-)

Life is BUSY

2010-03-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

I'm just back from another 3-day ski weekend and we had a really great time. This time PD2 and her whole family (Hubby, Cutie Pie now to be known as Ski Monkey, and Bon Bon) went with us. It is so much fun to be with them. We really seem to travel well together and can all relax.

We made good time and got into Mammoth about 11:30 on Friday night -- Ski Monkey even stayed up until we got there. :-) We stayed up too late chatting with PD2 and Hubby and got up early on Saturday. PD2 was really tired because Bon Bon has been sick (ear infection and cough) so she decided not to ski on Saturday. So DB and I took Ski Monkey up to ski. We went up and down practicing with her for about 3 hours! She really improved and was having a lot of fun after some falls and tears on her first run. By the end of that time, she was doing really well and we'd just ski down behind her to pick her up if she fell (which she really didn't unless it was on purpose -- so cute to watch her just sit down between her skis and rest then pop back up all on her own and take off again -- oh, to be 6!).

Hubby had come up to the lodge to meet a cousin of his who was in town. We dropped off Ski Monkey with him and then DB and I got to ski ourselves for about an hour before the end of the day. I got in some short blue (intermediate) runs and only fell once (last run of the day...blue run was very bumpy from everyone skiing down it all day). I really never fall anymore on the greens (beginner slopes) and almost never on the blues. :-)

After DB and I were done, we picked up Ski Monkey from Hubby, went to the grocery store and then home. We all got in the jacuzzi and then, after showers, made dinner together. We rounded out the evening with a long game of Uno. Fun! :-)

Sunday we all went up to the mountain to ski. DB and I went up first and got in several good runs (me mostly on blue!) before the rest arrived. The plan was that PD2 would watch Bon Bon (who is 2) at the beginning and DB, Hubby, Ski Monkey and I would ski down the long green slope (with DB following Hubby -- Hubby hadn't skied in a LONG time -- and me following Ski Monkey). We were off!! Ski Monkey was doing great and I just skied behind her so she felt safe. I feel SO SO great that I'm a good enough skier now that I can be responsible for her! :-) Hubby was having some problems and he had also hurt his back that morning. He only managed one run and then went to take care of Bon Bon while PS2 came up to ski. (Hubby actually took Bon Bon home...it's not too fun for her to just hang out at the lodge...luckily Hubby didn't pay full price for his ticket.)

We all spent quite a while skiing with Ski Monkey down the long green slope (called Pumpkin, which she loved). She was doing great and it was so fun to watch her and to watch her with PD2a (even though it's harder on your legs to go slower when you're used to going faster). About an hour before the lifts closed, DB and PD2 took off to go do some more challenging runs and left me to watch Ski Monkey on the green. Ski Monkey was getting tired so we only did a couple more runs...on the first one she ended up skiing into some deep snow (which is hard to get out of) so I had to take off my skis and walk in to drag her out. I kept her calm and was so proud I could take care of her. :-) The last run we just skied down together really well (me always behind so that I could pick her up if she fell...which she didn't). She's my ski buddy now. :-)

We stopped and had some drinks at the lodge while we waited for DB and PD2. They had a BALL. They both are REALLY good skiers so they could just go fast all over the mountain. I am so happy they had that time together. We all ended Sunday with big smiles on our faces. :-)

Sunday night after the hot tub and showers, we took Hubby out for his birthday (which is this Saturday)...we had a great dinner, all of us sharing our ski stories for the day. After that we had secretly bought a banana creme pie for Hubby (who doesn't like cake) and we had that and candles back at the condo. A very fun "pretend" birthday. :-)

We got up early yesterday to go ski. DB and I got to the slopes by 10 and it was a fantastic day!! For the first time I skied only blues...no greens! It was so fun to be able to choose from different runs and not just be stuck on one or two greens. I was having SO much fun. DB even skied a few with me (a lot faster than me, but...). I skied all the blues around the lodge where we were. I was just finishing up and planning two or three more runs when I decided to go down the first blue I ever did (on my birthday) for old time's sake. It was the easiest blue on that side of the mountain although a little steep. Well, guess what? I had a really bad crash at the bottom!! I don't really know what happened but my legs were out from under me in an instant and I banged my head hard. Was very happy to have a helmet!!! :-)

I was a little discombobulated, but I picked myself up quickly, got my skis back on and skied down. I wanted to call DB for some sympathy, but I knew I had to ski again right away or risk being afraid next time. So I went back to do my favorite run. As I was on the lift, I saw DB skiing down to it so when I got to the top I waited for him. Told him about my crash and we decided it was our last run of the day. I did my favorite one and he did his. We met at the bottom to head home. :-)

My brains were feeling pretty scrambled for a few hours and my left knee hurts. We went back to the condo (the owner let us have a late checkout), changed and hit the road. The rest of the family didn't ski yesterday...went sledding as a whole family and that was fun for them. We got home around 7:30, then went for a quick dinner with our neighbors before going to bed.

My knee woke me up in the night with pain, but the earthquake we had this morning didn't! ;-) I'm glad I have an appointment with my acupuncture doctor on Thursday (I decided last week that HE is the one who can help with all the stuff that I've got going on -- he kept me super-healthy for two years when I went to him regularly). I will skip yoga tonight to let my knee rest and will go back tomorrow night.

I did go to yoga last Thursday and it was better...Teacher had thought of some other variations for me and I approached the mat with a better attitude, i.e., don't get frustrated, just do what you can.

SO MUCH FUN skiing...even though it takes a hunk out of our "real" life. We hope to head back in two weeks... ;-)

Some days/nights it's hard to face what you find on the mat.

2010-03-09T12:36:00.000-08:00

That was my last Facebook status last night. My first one was "back to yoga" with a smiley face. My, how things can change once you are forced to face YOU on the mat.

I went to back to yoga last night after a month off due to skiing time off, my squished finger and my panic attacks. I was full of excitement to get back "home" and was hoping for relief from some of my continuing attack symptoms.

The welcome from my teacher was so warm…she hugged me and told me how much she had missed me. She actually suspended my pass for a month (something she was not required to do) to help me heal my bad wrist (remember that from January?). I had also e-mailed with her last week saying how much I missed yoga and that I had been having some panic attack problems. She was, as always, supportive and warm.

There were four of us in the class. Two of us had hand/wrist issues so Teacher decided we would do a gentler class. I think all of the students were happy with this decision. Teacher also showed the other person and I some variations to try during the "vinyasa" portion of the class (dolphin instead of down dog, how to get into other poses from dolphin without hurting ourselves, dolphin plank, etc.).

So we started. Slowly from savasana. That felt good. I felt happily emotional about being back "home" on the mat.

I have had NO problems with my wrist for the past month (being off of yoga) and so I decided I would try some simple wrist-involved positions. I did a few half push-ups, ONE down dog and one "vinyasa" flow (plank, chattaranga, low cobra, up to down dog). My wrist started to hurt. A lot. I was depressed by this, but adjusted to using the variations.

Teacher saw that the other wrist student and I were having trouble so she decided we would do no further "vinyasas" that night. We would still do flow, but no weight-bearing arm work. This was good, but I was still feeling really sad. If yoga is going to cause my wrist to hurt so badly, how can I continue to practice as I have been? If you are a yoga student, you will understand how hard it is to face a practice with no down dogs, no chattarangas, no arm balances…it even hurts to do cat/cow. These are basic poses. I am sure that it is possible to practice without them, but the idea of it is a total paradigm change. And doing so in a class like they have at the studio where I've been practicing? Very difficult mentally. At least for me.

So we start the non-"vinyasa" class (I keep putting that in quotes because the word vinyasa actually translates, I think, to "flow" and you can do a flow class without the plank, chattaranga, low cobra, up to down dog series that this studio calls "vinyasa"). Wrist now wasn't as painful (although still achey and remains so today) but, since the focus was now on lower-body, my knees started creaking and weaking (no, that's not a typo). Going into and out of chair a couple of times I thought everyone in the room must have heard the terrible crackling from my right knee (I asked Teacher afterwards about it and she didn't hear it). When that happens, I pull back. Stop bending knees AT ALL if necessary. This makes other basic poses (chair, lunges, warriors, even tree) difficult to really get into. I was discouraged, but I kept going.

When we got to balances, I was a mess. I couldn't balance AT ALL. Physical balance poses are always so reflective (for me) of the inner balance situation in my mind/spirit. I was a mess. I think it was at this point that I almost started to cry.

By the time we got to squats (something I never ever do even on a good day), I was really thisclose to tears. I went into horse (a much higher squat) and Teacher could see at least some of how I was feeling. She gave me a reclining variation. I laid there and struggled not to cry.

I have practiced yoga for a long time. I know the philosophy and I believe in it. It is almost intrinsic to the essence of ME. Even knowing that I should just breathe and BE there on the mat (including tears if that was what happened), I struggled. I couldn't find the peace inside no matter what techniques I used. I was lost and sad.

We finally got to savasana (class duration has been extended by 15 minutes since I last went). Teacher put us in supported reclining butterfly (badhakonasana). My tears wet the eye pillow as we laid there.

As we left, Teacher and I talked. She said she saw my energy shift in the middle of the class when I got "frustrated". True. She hugged me a lot and told me again how much she missed me (she is a very very warm and happy person). We talked about the physical issues. She has a similar one with her wrist and says it's "impossible" for her to practice when it's acting up. I told her I'd be back on Wednesday no matter if my body could do anything or not. And I will.

But…

I cried all the way home and was sobbing while making dinner. I feel like I am facing not being able to do a lot of physical yoga…maybe forever…and maybe not classes at this studio…this studio where I felt like I had finally found "home" after so long searching.

The thing that I think many yoga studios struggle with is pleasing their students. Lots of students these days want fast cardio exercise out of their practice. The spiritual aspect is less important to them. Lots of studios I have been to work to please their students and, in my opinion, the YOGA (which means "union") is lost. I want the YOGA. Fast flow yoga is not real POWER yoga even if that's what they often call the classes. Power yoga is what you get when everything combines (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). Then you are in the power. Asana helps you get there when you're on the mat. It is supposed to challenge you, comfort you, make you face YOU where you are at that moment in every way.

Last night's class actually did a lot of what I described in the last sentence for me. But it was because of ME, not the class. It was because of me looking at me on the mat and after. I guess that's all I can ask...

But I still want a class where you take more than a few seconds in a pose. Where you have a teacher help you adjust and meditate on the pose and how it confronts your body/mind. Fast flow is great for certain things…but it is not great as the primary focus of a class…for me.

I'm not sure if any of this will make any sense to anyone out there (even those of you with strong yoga practices). And this is NOT about my weight loss or exercise. It is about ME and what I need and want…and how I get it. Right now, I don't know the answer to all that. But I am absorbing all I have learned/recognized after my class last night. And the tears are still very close to the surface.

[On the panic attack(s): I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. I have notes of all I want to discuss with him. I have been pretty attack-free yesterday and today at work and that is a good thing. I started listening to Native American flute music in the car on the way to work instead of the political talk program I usually listen to…it is soothing. I will keep that up for a while.]

The Universe e-mail this morning was unbelievably appropriate (as it often is):

When something difficult or painful happens, Helly, always look to see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible.

Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.

Everything makes you better,
The Universe

Oh YEAH. :-)

Better

2010-03-04T13:40:00.001-08:00

Just so those of you reading don't think I've fallen off a cliff, I've felt better the past two days. Yesterday I had minimal symptoms and today (so far, knock wood), none.

This was a scary episode. I need to make an appointment to talk with my doc about it.

Theatre Date Night was last night (DB got me a subscription again this year for my b-day)...I looked forward to it all day and maybe that helped. :-)

Anxiety

2010-03-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

So I had a great weekend...Princess learned to ski as well as I do after five years in only two days. ;-) It was a joy to watch her. We had insane blizzard conditions on Saturday that I had never skied in before and beautiful sunny day on Sunday. I love love love the smaller resort we went to (and the little town where it is). We stayed in a motel in the canyon, our room (only $79/night) had a kitchenette and the motel's jacuzzi was awesome. We will probably go back (although DB is feeling very much like this smaller resort isn't enough mountain for him).

On the way home yesterday, we visited a national monument -- an internment center where people of Japanese descent were imprisoned during World War II. Interesting, sad...Princess got a history lesson on her day playing hooky from school. :-)

My anxiety attack news:

I felt better Friday night after a couple of beers and felt FINE all weekend. Driving back yesterday, I had a few symptoms and I thought/think it might be some kind of motion sickness. But today, back at work, I'm full-on into discomfort in my arm, stressed-out feelings, etc. Thinking of going back to doc...needing Xanax maybe (which a friend offered to me on Friday night when we were already on the way out of town). I have no idea what is up with this, but it's clear anxiety...and I don't know where it's coming from. :-(

I am going to yoga tonight. A friend recommended I try St. Johns Wort (which I have tried before and have felt nothing). We'll see what happens. This really sucks.

Oh yeah, and I gained 5 pounds from horrible eating this weekend. This ski trip weight yo-yo has to stop. We're going again in two weeks...

[P.S. to commenters on last post -- thank you all so much -- helps a lot!]

Rough week

2010-02-26T12:04:00.000-08:00

This week I had what I have now self-diagnosed as a truly HORRIBLE anxiety attack. It lasted full-force for over a day and I'm still feeling it (started on Tuesday). I want to write down what happened so if it ever happens again (I hope it won't), I will remember...

Tuesday about 1 pm, I had a very bad, unusual (never felt this before) shooting pain in my left arm completely out of the blue. Right after that I started to feel dizzy and nauseous...I actually thought I might pass out (which I have never done, by the way). Got up and walked to the bathroom and really felt like I might fall down/not make it back to my office. I started to feel breathless and tight in my chest. I seriously considered going to the doctor. Having had my dad drop dead of a heart attack while on a walk with my mom at 68 and no real diagnosed heart problems before that, I am totally a hypochondriac when it comes to my heart, so I powered through the afternoon and didn't go to the doc even though I was having chest discomfort and continuing arm/back discomfort. I went home after work and didn't go to yoga. Just laid down and rested and went to sleep early. When I got home, I took my BP and pulse on our machine and it was something like 125/73 (high for me) and 60 BPM (low for me).

Wednesday I woke up feeling a wee bit better (BP and pulse were normal), but by 10:30 I was feeling those feelings again: numb little finger on left hand, odd pains in my back, chest tightness and breathlessness, very dizzy and nauseous, etc. I had a lunch scheduled with a client and I decided I would go thinking that getting some air outside the office might help but I thought I would probably go see my doc after that. I barely made it through the lunch...felt completely out of my head, shaky, dizzy, breathless, weird pains, etc. By the time we got back to the office and I went to hug our client goodbye, I nearly fell over with dizzyness. This scared me and I went to call the doc...

I told the receptionist that I thought I was having a truly horrible panic attack and needed to come in. My doc is great so they said "how fast can you get here?". I was shaking so badly at this point that I could barely type (or think) as I sent something out before I left my office. My extremities were cold and all the dizziness/nausea/discomfort was worse...and head discomfort/pain had started. I seriously considered not driving myself to the doc (although he is very close to my office). But I drove...I was afraid I would feel foolish when this turned out to be "nothing".

When I got to Doc's office, I laid down in the examining room, still feeling horrible. Really really horrible. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack or stroke. Doc, of course, thought otherwise despite my symptoms (I am sure he knows that I am paranoid about heart stuff since he's been my doc for many many years). He said my arm stuff was because there is something out of whack in my neck...nerves or something. When he squeezed my shoulder/neck on that side in comparison with the other side, it REALLY hurt so I figure he is right. He said when numbness happens in your arm, it's usually a neck nerve.

OK, fine. What about my other symptoms? He said I had some kind of ear infection that had probably moved the tiny equilibrium bones in my ear around so I had a kind of vertigo. (I've had this before.) He suggested the Epley maneuvers (which I've done before) and Bonine (motion sickness med) when I got home. He has diagnosed me before with arthritis in my chest so that was what he thinks the chest stuff was...I'm guessing it was aggravated by my fear/stress over the arm pain/dizziness...I kept grabbing my chest too and pushing on it...my heart felt like it was jumping out of my chest.

Doc did do an ECG and it was totally normal. Knowing all this, did I feel better? NO.

I have continued to have the symptoms (much less severe) until today. They seem to start up about the same time each morning and dissipate in the evening. I read on-line and ALL the symptoms I had are symptoms of anxiety attack. I am certain that is what happened. I think the arm pain scared me and set everything else in motion. It's terrifying. It's terrifying that I can lose it that much! I am still feeling kind of horrible.

My mother and sister have both had "panic attacks". I have never had one before. I hope I never do again. I do wish that Doc had acknowledged that I was having one. I will talk with him about it when I have my annual physical in a month or two...

We are leaving tonight for a three-day weekend skiing with Princess. I am excited although tired in advance too...it will be an extra-long drive tonight...we will probably not get to our motel until midnight.

My weight is finally (post-weeklong-beer-vacation) getting back in the normal range (the range where I feel good, but still want to lose another 10 pounds). I looked at my records from last year and I am over 20 pounds less than I was last year at this time so that is good. I've been maintaining in this good range for over 6 months now. I think I am ready to lose again. But we'll see...I remember the thing that Vickie has on her blog about our plateaus being because our desire to change equals our desire not to. I'm thinking that my desire to change might be getting a little stronger...

NOT skiing this weekend...do you believe it? ;-)

2010-02-19T14:04:00.001-08:00

Yes, we are HOME this weekend...first time in WEEKS. I love skiing, but I'm happy to be home too...at least until we head north again next Friday!

I have still been off of yoga this week...waiting for smooshed finger to heal a bit more before putting pressure on it. My teacher allowed me to suspend my pass until I'm better. Yay! I have been eating better and the weight from vacation is slowly coming off...I still have more to go though and clothes are tight. This reminds me to remain good so is not a really horrible thing.

The finger did not keep me from skiing last weekend though! We had a glorious time...got along great with the people we shared the condo with...so much so that we all cooked Valentine's dinner together at home! DB and I say every day is Valentine's Day in our world so February 14 is just another one. ;-) I am so lucky to have found my perfect mfeo Valentine.

This weekend we are booked up (of course)! Tonight we are meeting the son of the woman I was named for and his wife for dinner -- my parents were very close to his parents when I was little but it's been probably over 40 years since I've seen him. He and his wife live close to us, like to ski and he is also a musician so DB and he can maybe jam in the studio. Tomorrow we are having our long-delayed birthday lunch with my mom and I also have to get my hair cut, a pedicure and brow wax (being out of town has thrown a huge crimp in my grooming!). Sunday we are headed north to PD1's house for a birthday party for Princess and Little Dude (whose birthday is today). Thus will end our Birthday Season.

Next weekend we hope to take Princess skiing with us...she doesn't know yet and it all depends on how well she's doing in school because we will have to take her out for Monday the 1st if she goes. I really hope she has a good week because I want her to come with us! We took her skiing once about 5 years ago and, at 5, she wasn't really up to skiing yet. But at 10 she should be good to go! We're skiing at June Mountain next week (and staying there too -- it's also on our season pass for Mammoth) and it's a great beginner's mountain. I love it there. DB is kinda bored but he can go really fast (which is what he likes).

Just call me Skibunny... ;-)

Goin' skiin' agin!

2010-02-12T14:09:00.001-08:00

Leaving tonight at 6 pm...hopefully will get to Mammoth before midnight. :-)

We hooked up with a Facebook friend to get a last-minute deal on renting a condo...very cheap for a holiday weekend so we are super-happy!

Squished finger is better although still ouchy ouchy. Weight is going down but not as fast as I would like. I have vowed to be better this weekend than I was last week. It is really nice to have my ski clothes loose and comfy.

We'll be back Monday evening...check Facebook for news and photos!

P.S. to Vickie -- the deleted comment was a SPAM. :-(

P.P.S. Happy Birthday to Princess -- she's 10 today! Love love love that kid. :-)

Back from vacation, back on the program

2010-02-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

While I have tons and tons of things that have happened over the past couple of weeks, I may not be able to type all of them -- the overwhelming problem right now is that I smashed my right middle finger in the door of my car just as we arrived at home from our vacation on Sunday. It was stuck to the point that I couldn't remove it without opening the door...THAT's how bad it was. While the pain was amazing, the idea of it being stuck in there almost made me cry more...and, believe me, I was crying! I don't think I broke my finger, but it is very purple, swollen and has a huge gash. Dr. DB has been taking very good care of it and today it is feeling good enough to actually use to type. But it still hurts A LOT if I touch it the wrong way. You'd be surprised just how many little bumps your fingers take in a day...

Anyway...

Our vacation was spectacular. Those of you who are my Facebook friends have seen photos and have seen my frequent updates from the road, slopes, etc. Truly the best ski vacation ever.

The place we stayed was amazing -- though looking a little run-down from the outside (and actually located over a liquor store!), when we walked it, it was like "wow". Beautifully redone apartment. Huge windows looking out on snow (we could see a snowy mountain from our bed). Gorgeous kitchen (nicer even than I have at home!). Private outdoor jacuzzi overlooking the mountain. Amazing. We were very pleasantly surprised since this was supposed to be our "cheaper" option this year!

PD2 and her two daughters came with us for the first 4 days and it was truly a treat to have them with us. The 6-year-old (darn, I always forget what I call her here!) had her first ski lesson ever and did great. She was on the lift and the bunny hill with me and her mom the second day and I truly believe she will learn quickly. At least quicker than her Helen... ;-)

Having said that, I actually did an intermediate run on my birthday!!! FIVE TIMES, thank you very much. I was so scared...and so proud of myself. It was exactly 5 years since my first lesson...I am sure I am the person who has taken the longest of all time going from beginner (green) runs to intermediate (blue). I am far from comfy on blue, but I am now confident that I can handle any green anywhere, anytime. And I can do the blues...yay!! This was a HUGE thing on my b-day.

Another friend joined us the day after PD2 and her kids left...he stayed for three days and it was so nice to have him with us. The last couple of days was just DB and me...and that was NICE too. :-)

Basically every day followed a similar pattern:

- Get up fairly early (not later than 8 or so);
- Eat our healthy breakfast (on plan nearly every day);
- Mosey over to the slopes between 10 and 11;
- Ski for a few hours;
- Have a beer;
- Go home and get in the hot tub;
- Have another beer;
- Go to dinner
- Go to bed by 10.

Yes, ski vacations are TOTALLY relaxing!! But the beer part is NOT good. While I ate pretty well most of the time, the beer took its toll. I gained. Not as much as I feared, but I really really really have to get back on the wagon because now I've got 10 pounds to lose to get to my lowest weight...and 10 more after that. I'm lucky we skied every day...without that, I would have gained a lot more. One of the bright sides is that I am still 15 pounds less than after ski/beer vacation last year. ;-)

DB and I both got a cold in the middle of the week and it's taken a while for us to kick it. But mine seems to be mostly gone now and my health focus is on this darn finger.

We are both so totally stoked about skiing that we are looking for a cheap rental to go up this weekend...I'm not optimistic that we will find one since it is a holiday, but who knows? I'm also not that excited about putting my finger into my ski mitten... ;-) We do have two other 3-day weekends already booked for the rest of the season...having our season passes makes this very affordable for us. :-)

DB was awesome on the actual birthday: he cooked me breakfast, encouraged me on the blue ski run, and even set the alarm on his phone to go off at the exact time I was born so we could smooch and celebrate. He also got me the subscription for the downtown theatre again -- we enjoyed our "year of dates" last year so much!! This is in addition to my slammin' new ski boots (which were, I'm sure, instrumental in my improvements this year), some cool electronic stuff for my Droid and some beautiful earrings that I had admired in a store recently. Oh yeah, and yellow-lensed ski goggles (for days without sun). He spoils me. I am a lucky woman.

Best. Birthday. Ski. Week. Ever.

And now I've got to try to catch up with all of you!! :-)

Lazy lazy blogger girl!

2010-01-27T10:23:00.000-08:00

Still maintaining...which I think is better than most people can say coming out of the holidays, so I'll take it and be happy about it, dammit! ;-) I'm also about 10-15 pounds less than I was last year at this time (pre-birthday-ski-trip)...and I feel it in my ski clothes, yay!! :-)

I'm having some concerns about my yoga classes with the primary teacher (and owner) at my new studio. It seems that I have thumb and knee issues after her classes and not so much after the other teachers' classes. I haven't quite figured out why this is because all of the teachers at the new place have similar (although not identical) styles. It makes me really sad and worried but, over the next few weeks when I will be away from the studio for the ski trip, I will be thinking long and hard about what it is about HER classes that do this to me...so I don't have to stop taking them (I love her) but can modify so I don't get hurt. I have some ideas already...

Of course, work pre-vacation is ramping up so I'm very busy this week...isn't that always how it happens? ;-)

Today is DB's birthday. I am thanking the Universe for the great gift that he is to my/the world. Yay!!! Tonight we're having some people over to play music in the new studio (we did that last Saturday night and people stayed until 3:30...later even than on New Year's Eve!), eat pizza and (my homemade, and hopefully good, carrot cake). Those are the foods he wanted, people...and the pizza is SALAD pizza so... ;-)

We leave after work Friday night for our week in Mammoth...I can't wait! PD2 and her family are coming up to stay with us for about 4 days and our 6-year-old granddaughter will be getting on skis for the first time! I know she will do GREAT...she will probably be on the intermediate slopes on the second day...while I'm on the beginner slopes still after 5 years! ;-)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DB...thank you for being born. I love you.

Not blogging, but not gaining

2010-01-19T13:41:00.001-08:00

Work has finally picked back up so I don't have much time to blog during the week.

We didn't go skiing last weekend...it was too much for me to pull together on short notice and I really needed a weekend (a long one at that!) at home to rest and catch up on things.

The prior weekend was actually pretty horrible -- we had a bad falling-out with our ski friends (couple who is/was long-time friends with DB). We won't be seeing them again. Very sad, but they were nuts. The whole incident really hurt my feelings (I guess they never really liked ME) so I'm not going to rehash it here. But it sucked.

My ski boots also really hurt me after just one run so I had to rent. I have to sell my current boots and DB bought me some more last weekend for my upcoming birthday. The ones I had just did not fit the shape of my foot and, as some of you might remember, I had a numb foot for a couple months after our ski week last year. It's not entirely better and I don't want it to get worse or permanent! We found a great ski shop with an amazing boot fitter -- we were with him for two hours on Saturday and I feel confident that I now have the right boots. Yay!

I also bought DB some skis on ebay for his birthday. Now we are all set for our ski week (leaving January 29)!!

Saw Avatar this weekend. I didn't think I was going to like it, but I LOVED it. That's all I'll say...don't want to build up or spoil for any of you who haven't seen it (has anyone not seen it?!).

We also spent time hanging out with friends and some really good "us" time. It was great not to have to do too much. DB said to me this morning "This little vacation weekend has been so nice...I don't want you to go back to work!" :-)

We may go ski locally one day this weekend...or not. We'll see. I've got a lot to do before we go away and DB's birthday is next week (we'll be having people over to play in his almost-completed studio, I'll be baking a cake, etc.)

I only went to yoga once this weekend...my thumb/wrist/arm on the right side is really hurting me and it's hard to practice with no down dogs or planks! I've been doing it in dolphin pose, but that's difficult for some parts of the flow.

Weight is stable. Going down a little bit each week. I might even get to a new low just in time for vacation... ;-)

Good news for me

2010-01-12T10:34:00.001-08:00

Not that this will make me stop trying to lose weight, but...

May be skiing again this weekend...will update on last weekend when I can (including, hopefully, posting a video of me -- the dorkiest skier of all time). ;-)

Go buy this book RIGHT NOW!

2010-01-06T11:31:00.000-08:00

Angry Fat Girls by Frances Kuffel -- get it!!

I got it on my Kindle last night, started it and am loving it. If you read me, I think you will love it too. I am so happy that this will be the first full book I read on my Kindle -- that needed to be a momentous book that I'll never forget! :-)

Not as fun news: I was NOT a good girl over the New Year holiday. I gained more in those days than over Christmas. Why? I think it's for a few reasons:

- Christmas is a sugar holiday. New Year's is a salty holiday. We all know what I like best.
- We hosted New Year's at our house = leftovers.
- Christmas weekend we ran hither, thither and yon. This weekend, we spent one whole day in bed and the rest just RESTing. (Well, we did do that one yoga class on Saturday...)

So, I'm back in the losing mode again. Still maintaining the weight lost from the summer. Getting geared up to go LOWER on the scale. Getting strict again with The Macro like I said I would in my New Year's Eve post.

We are going skiing this coming weekend for the first time this season and I can't wait. I pick up my skis (that I bought on ebay for $60 and paid $50 more to get tuned and adjusted -- great deal!) tonight from the store where they are getting tuned. We leave Friday afternoon. I am even more excited because I tried on some ski pants that I bought YEARS ago (also on ebay) that were always too small and now they fit!!! I am excited to try them out this weekend. ;-)

Yoga is still going great...although the practice last night was very knee-intensive and mine are both sore today. DB has been with me to two classes already and he actually bought a pass for himself last night! I love having his energy on the mat next to me. :-)

What I've learned this year from "The Macro" (and other things)

2009-12-31T10:20:00.000-08:00

Today I weigh exactly 17 pounds less than I did last New Year's Eve. These are the things I do consistently since June to keep off the weight I lost this summer:

1. In the evening, eat lots of veggies and protein. Avoid carbs. Salads are the perfect evening food.
2. Broccoli. I eat it almost every day. A big helping at lunchtime.
3. Eat carbs (complex) early in the day.
4. Ezekiel low sodium bread and light butter with frittata for breakfast. YUM.
5. Stay away from beer (much as I like it).

I have been able to keep my weight off by sticking with the above (and being very serious with it during the week), but in order to lose the next bit of weight, I will need to recommit to The Macro and be quite strict about it. I will do that in the coming year. It is good to know, though, that I can maintain in my current range without being SUPER strict...and without a whole lot of exercise.

Having said that last bit -- my body has changed a lot the past few months since I have been back with my yoga practice consistently. My sister even noted in a photo on Facebook that my arms look "cut"...and that's in a turtleneck! ;-) My weight is still in the same range, but I am stronger and feel good about that.

My knees, however, are not doing great. I thought it was walking, but I am starting to think it's yoga. Talked with my teacher about it last night. It is VERY hard to have a well-rounded yoga practice without some serious stress on your knees. She tried to do a practice that would be easy on my knees (there were only two of us in class), but realized how hard it is! I am going to need to be REALLY careful these next weeks -- my intention in my practice will have to be to SLOWLY get stronger, not to focus on what I used to be able to do, not to be competitive with others or with that past me. I need my knees to be strong and yoga is a great way to get there...as long as I don't blow them out in the process. Mindfulness is going to be my big challenge the next months.

Ten years ago today, I was in a very different place in my life. I spent New Year's Eve 2000 with two of my dearest friends from college. The future was bright. Today, my heart is filled with gratitude that the future WAS bright for me -- I am grateful for my beautiful, loving and supportive partner, for my terrific family and friends, for my job (when so many don't have one) and for my home (when so many don't have one)...I can't wait to see what the new decade brings!

Happy New Decade!

Quiet week between Xmas and New Year

2009-12-30T11:49:00.000-08:00

Work is nearly silent this week...I have gotten ONE work-related e-mail in three days (usually would have gotten 100s) and no phone calls! I am using the time to organize my office and deal with things that have been hanging over my head. It is actually nice and relaxing to come to work so I'm not sad that I didn't take this week off (like everyone else in my business did). :-)

Eating over the Xmas weekend was, well, spotty. I did eat bad stuff and it showed up on the scale. But, to put things in perspective, I went back and looked at my weight records for last year...am happily at least 15 pounds less than I was last year at this time so I'll take it! I got back on the good eating wagon on Monday...and, of course, am still doing my yoga.

Speaking of which, DB got me some great gifts for Christmas -- one of which was a 3-month unlimited pass to my new yoga studio! (I am a LITTLE afraid that my yoga is hurting my knees...they have been acting up the past month...I need to talk with my teacher tonight and see what we can do about it...I have been modifying myself already.) He also got me...A KINDLE!!! We were supposed to not get each other pricey gifts this year so I never would have even thought to ask for either of these things...and I didn't. But my love knows me so well that he just KNEW that I would like these things...I totally burst into tears when I opened each of them...I couldn't have picked anything I wanted more! Christmas magic. :-)

We spent Christmas Eve with my mom...eating Indian food (I was good and didn't eat the rice or nan) and driving around to look at lights. Then two of the days over the weekend were with the PDs and the grandkids. Much fun was had by all. If you are my Facebook friend, be sure to check out the Dance of the Sugarplum Chipmunks on my profile. ;-) While gifts are admittedly so very nice, time with family and friends is truly what I love most about this season.

We're now gearing up for our New Year's Eve party...hopefully will be a little tamer than last year...or not!! This year our theme is frugality...everyone is supposed to come dressed in thrift store clothes and we're having cheap beer and snacks (amazing how expensive the "cheap" stuff can be when buying for a party though!).

Happy New Year to all!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T23:01:00.000-08:00

This is beautiful: http://caronthehill.blogspot.com/

I appreciate all of your places on my Christmas tree. :-) Happy Christmas to all....and to all a good night

I'm about ready to give in to the damn sugar

2009-12-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

It is EVERYWHERE. And, even though sugary food is not my favorite, for some reason the past couple of days it has taken every fiber of my being to resist the candy, cookies, etc. that are veritably permeating my office. And I'm tired of fighting. I just may give in. Well, OK, to be honest, I did give in a teeny bit over the weekend -- I had a tiny 1/4 of a dessert at our office party on Friday, 5 homemade dark chocolate truffles with sea salt at our Yule celebration on Sunday night, two small pieces of fudge on Monday. And, other than that, I have been virtually perfect (including 4 yogas last week and on-track for my usual this week). My reward for this perfection is that I am sitting firmly at 3 pounds above my lowest weight. Firmly 3 pounds above where I wanted to be on Christmas. And where, at this point, it is clear I won't be.

I'm not sure where this sugar thing is coming from...I think it may be that it's the time of the month where my weight goes up and I'm more hungry than usual...and it just happens to have happened Christmas week...when chocolate, etc. is everywhere. And work is slow. So I have time to think about all those treats sitting over there in the basket on the table in my office...

I'm bummed out. I am feeling like my usual willpower is out the window. But I haven't given in really...yet. But I'm having a hard time convincing myself to wait until Christmas for a treat.

Other than this, all is well. Had a couple of great yoga practices last week...Saturday's was with a new teacher and really kicked my butt (men teachers are totally different than women)...I felt sore all over on Sunday (in a good way). Tonight is wrapping night -- with six grandkids you can imagine that it's a LONG process. Tomorrow I'll pick up my mom on the way home from work, (hopefully) go to 6 pm yoga, then our traditional Indian dinner and then driving (or walking) around to see lights. Friday we get up early, have breakfast and gifts then get ready for the big drive -- 2 hours north to PD1's house.

I am really ready for Christmas! Hurry Christmas, hurry fast (to quote the Whos -- not The Who, the Whos from The Grinch)!!!!

End of the year slowdown

2009-12-17T15:19:00.001-08:00

Work has been slow all week...I am catching up! And I have a couple of minutes to blog. :-)

I'm still inching down the scale...feel pretty good about where I am pre-Christmas. I'd like to magically lose 5 pounds before The Day (when I know I will eat some bad stuff and probably "gain" 5 pounds), but that's probably not going to happen. So I'm just hanging on to maintain, keeping going to yoga as many times a week as time and my body permit...and that's good.

As of today, I think I have pretty much finished Christmas shopping. There's a lot more work to do (wrapping for 6 grandkids, for example!), but I'm feeling good about this too.

I canceled virtually all of my holiday party plans for the past week -- my sore throat was really getting me down. Finally, yesterday, I took the whole day off work and just stayed in bed the whole time...watching movies and playing Jewelz on my Droid. And, miraculously, this morning I felt better. Yay!

Tomorrow is our firm holiday party. This year we're having a lunch with just staff rather than a full-blown nighttime party with dates. They're also giving us all of tomorrow afternoon off work (yoga!). When they first announced this, we all thought it definitely meant that we were not getting Christmas bonuses this year. I have gotten one every single year I have been here (16 years) and, while I always appreciated that it was a GIFT, this year I really NEEDED it. Well...they gave us a bonus!! A little less than last year, but...whew!!! I literally burst into tears when they gave it to me. I was SO sure that they wouldn't (we didn't get raises this year either). Oh happy day!! I love my firm...they really do try to do right by us.

After the holiday party, I'm planning to go to yoga then, after dinner, am going to work with a charity packing up boxes of food for disadvantaged families. We actually have neighbors (at the beach) who are homeless. It is getting worse. I find it particularly sad at Christmastime...last night walking to yoga I saw a homeless person with all their bedding sitting outside the local Xmas tree lot which is all decorated with lights, etc. (and, by the way, which also benefits a great charity). They were gazing into the lot with longing. At least that's how it seemed to me from the other side of the street. It was poignant.

Saturday is treat-Helen-Christmas day: haircut, mani-pedi, brow wax and yoga. I also have to cook up some treat for our solstice celebration on Sunday evening. Sunday morning, I'm taking brunch to a friend who is having surgery tomorrow...and we'll watch a movie (she gets awards screeners).

Next week at work will probably be even slower than this week...so I may be able to write more... :-)

Good Weigh Day

2009-12-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

Of course, I have been weighing every day (and logging it) since June, but today was a good one. I am finally less than two pounds above my lowest (pre-NYC trip). I want to lose at least those 2 pounds (and maybe more...but that will be hard) before Christmas so I feel like I have a little leeway.

This week has been frustrating with the scale because I was being perfect and not seeing results, but I actually appreciate it so much. Since I've been logging my weight these past few years, I can always go back and look at where I was at this time last year and the year before. With all my fluctuations, this really helps (I'm sure you all think I'm on a rollercoaster -- really not -- just ups and downs on the SLOW way DOWN). While not HUGELY different, I am down 15 pounds from last year at this time and I feel it. :-) And I have lost all my Thanksgiving weight and a little more.

What have I learned from scale time this week? That it takes about 2 weeks to "recover" from not eating perfectly on plan (like at Thanksgiving -- when I gained 8 lbs). Two weeks to recover from 4 days. THAT is something to really think about. And I wasn't even really bad over Thanksgiving!! Just ate a couple of pieces of pie (in 4 days) and maybe an extra slice of bread each day.

This program has taught me that my body is very sensitive to what I put in it. It shows on the scale. It shows in my digestive system. It shows in how hungry I am and when. I am COMPLETELY convinced that carbs are addictive. Eating just a little sets off cravings big time for me. When I'm perfectly (or almost perfectly) on-program, I absolutely do NOT have those cravings!! It's kind of magic, really. I can't believe how rarely I crave food after dinner anymore. :-)

I've been keeping up with my yoga too...until this morning, I was thinking that maybe THAT was keeping me from losing (I am definitely getting more muscley). But I didn't (and don't) think that's it. While I feel myself getting longer and leaner even after such a short time back at yoga, I don't feel it really is impacting on my actual weight. It does impact on my disposition though and that DOES impact my weight. I feel SO GOOD being back at yoga. I look forward to going...and I never EVER looked forward to going to the gym.

This weekend is packed with Christmas festivities -- at my mom's place tomorrow for lunch, a friend's tomorrow night, the Venice canals Christmas boat parade on Sunday morning and another friend's open house Sunday evening. Then I have other holiday get-togethers next Tuesday, Thursday and Friday! Fun, but I get a little tired sometimes thinking about it...

I've been fighting a cold this week (DB got one)...this morning I thought that I had it beat, but the sore throat is kicking back in a little this afternoon. It's cold and rainy here...very very Christmasy, but makes me just want to cuddle up in bed in my Christmas jammies!

My knee problem from last weekend seems to be almost gone. My yoga teachers have helped a lot this week and I've been wearing a brace every day and icing and taking ibuprofen. Hopefully tomorrow I can try to go brace-less. The pain has been gone for about three days and now it just feels swollen...yay!

I wish I had more time to blog

2009-12-05T18:48:00.001-08:00

But I don't.

Every free non-work minute seems to be filled lately with chores, social engagements and/or Christmas preparations.

I did ok this week...was very on-plan, but only managed to get rid of a little over 5 pounds. Still need to get almost five more to get to the absolute lowest that I saw on the scale one brief shining moment before I went to NYC on Halloween. So, yes, I'm still maintaining and SLOWLY losing.

I have been going to yoga 3 times a week...this is a lot more exercise than I've gotten in a few months. And it's weird that I'm not losing faster because of that. But maybe it's muscle building...I'm feeling really strong. BUT I did a number on a knee on Tuesday in class and today it was painful for me to walk to class (although the class itself felt good). Walking right now hurts. I'm icing right now and probably will stay home tonight to just rest my knee.

Didn't get everything done today that I wanted to...got a lot of Xmas decorations up, but we didn't get our real tree yet. DB has been working like a madman to get outside work done that needs to be done before our first winter storm (rain) comes tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow we can get the real tree. Right now I'm happily listening to Xmas music and looking at our other decorations including our fantastic 60s silver tree. :-)

Big news this week was that I got a Motorola Droid...finally I'm into the 21st century when it comes to a phone!!! I've been playing with it every free moment this week to try to learn all of it's MANY capabilities. So far, I LOVE IT. Believe it or not, I couldn't even text before I got this phone!!!! Droid is seksi. ;-)

Gotta go check on DB, finish laundry and see what's up for the coming evening...

Bless me bloggers, for I have sinned

2009-11-30T12:28:00.000-08:00

Although I had a perfectly on-plan breakfast yesterday morning, I went home afterwards and had a small slice of sweet potato pie. This is pretty much the story of my weekend. I ate better than I probably ever have during this period, but I still gained...and ate bad stuff along the way.

My "new" low-carb dishes on Thanksgiving were a hit -- I definitely will make the green beans cooked with bacon and onion and parmesan cauliflower again. YUMMY. I managed to not eat any potatoes and none of the stuffing from inside the bird (which I made with Ezekiel bread). But I did eat some of the oyster dressing (also made with Ezekiel) and the aforementioned pies. Oh yeah, and we got a great recipe for pumpkin martinis -- low-carb, but lethal. ;-)

I didn't manage to do anything at all that I planned this weekend (except two yoga classes -- one on Thanksgiving) because we ended up having 3 of the grandkids all weekend (and one other one for two days too). Whew. We had a lot of fun, but it was tiring!! We went over to the Microwaves' on Friday evening with turkey soup (which I made) and leftovers and our grandkids played with their kids. Saturday, after breakfast, we took the kids "sledding" on the sand berms at the beach and I went to yoga afterwards. Then took two of the kids for pedicures. That evening we had leftovers, played Uno (we played Uno a LOT this weekend!) and the kids watched a movie. Yesterday we had to take the three that were left (one left on Saturday afternoon) home to their new place about 2 hours north of here. When we got there, we helped them unpack and didn't get home until 7 pm.

Back on the plan today full-force. DB and I are both 10 pounds over our lowest weight after the debauchery this weekend. I have to go phone shopping tonight (if you have a particular smartphone that you love, chime in...decisions decisions), but will go to yoga at least two other nights this week (and the coming weekend). It feels great to be back to yoga...I look forward to every class! :-)

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving...and I hope that things slow down some so I can catch up with all of you...

I'm ok...

2009-11-21T14:20:00.000-08:00

...but I'm really REALLY stressed out. Work is a non-stop treadmill and the pile of work is not getting smaller. Plus I'm suddenly really worried about the economy...we are not having our traditional firm Xmas party at night with family invited -- instead we're having a lunch with just the people who work at the firm. I'm also feeling like we might not get a Xmas bonus (which will be the first time that has happened in my 16 years there). This is scary mostly because no matter how indispensable I think I am, I'm not. No one is. We've already had lay-offs...and I'm under no illusions that the attorneys can't do my job if necessary...even though they don't want to. My only consolation is that I am SO busy...they must need me. Right? ;-)

Maybe it's hormonal, but I've had the stressed out weepies all week.

There are a few good things going on though:

I am still maintaining in a 2-pound range...about 4 pounds up from my lowest right before NYC. Doing things like eating movie theatre popcorn last night at Pirate Radio (thanks, DB!) is not making that scale go down any faster.

HOWEVER, I have been to yoga three times this week!! Yay! I need it right now more for my mind and spirit than for my body...but my body is getting the benefits too. Without this I would have REALLY lost it this week.

I realized on our plane trip to NYC that I just couldn't breathe myself out of my flying anxiety the way I used to when I was practicing yoga regularly. THAT, more than anything, got me realizing that I had to drag my ass back to the mat. Breathing the way that is healing takes practice...that's why they call it a yoga PRACTICE!

I love this new studio. I love the teacher who teaches every night. She never teaches the same class twice (according to her) and that is the way I like it. I know some people like the comfort of doing the same thing all the time and I do see the meditative benefit to that but, to me, there is no challenge when you are just doing the SAME thing every time. The classes are totally my cup of tea and they are (generally) small -- with more than 12 people the studio is jammed and the most I've had in a class so far is 6 (today).

It is great to be able to walk to yoga (good little warm-up) and home afterwards. I am loving this so much...and am grateful to the universe for somehow putting this in my path just when I needed it most. :-)

Just cleared the larger size pants from my closet and am dropping them off at Goodwill on my way to Thanksgiving grocery shop...there's no going back now!

More Science Experiment

2009-11-17T10:40:00.001-08:00

So, Sunday night I was hungry. SOO hungry. TOO hungry. I had had just a half a veggie omelet, green salad and some lettuce/cottage cheese snack all day. By 6 pm I was too hungry. I hadn't had my meals every 3-4 hours and I was cranky. So DB and I headed to one of our go-to restaurants (where I know I can eat something yummy and not off-plan). But I was so hungry that, in addition to my usual "treats" there, I ate three yes THREE small rolls. BIG mistake. I felt super-duper bloated and horrible. Went to bed early.

Monday I got on the scale and, YUP, I was up a couple of pounds. And that is just from those three small rolls (I had been perfect the rest of the weekend). Despite continuing evidence like this in My Experiment, I am still amazed how fast and hard those night-time bad carbs hit. Fast.

Of course, I had lost those lbs by this morning, but that came from getting right back on program, perfectly and PRONTO. I am still up about 4 lbs from my absolute lowest pre-NYC-vacation weight. Still plugging away. Slowly slowly losing. No goal-time for getting to where I want to be.

But I did buy some pants this weekend that are the size I want to be -- 10!!! And, while tight, they fit. I also put on an old pair of 10s that I have kept and they were even a little loose (why aren't all sizes in all brands the same? arrrgh). I'm sure you all know how happy that makes a girl feel. :-)

Last night I went back to yoga...again. I found a studio very very close to my house (4 blocks or so... a quick walk) and have been wanting to try it but (as I've blogged before) just haven't dragged my booty over. Well, last night was the night. They offer candlelight flow (vinyasa) yoga from 7:30 for an hour every night. I loved it. I just LOVED it. The studio is tiny (love that), the instructor has amazing positive energy and it is SO not the trendy nightmare that invades so many big yoga studios out here. The emphasis is on healing and alignment and I love that. The instructor said to me when I arrived "this isn't workout/sweaty yoga" (or something like that). I said that was good because I have not been practicing regularly for a while. But, as I always find in yoga, if you WORK, you sweat. That doesn't mean speed, just work. It was perfect for me where I am now.

My body/mind felt so great afterwards last night. And today I am sore in all the right places. I can't wait to go back (Thursday night). :-)

Thanksgiving

2009-11-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

As you all know, I love Thanksgiving and cook for it every year. When I lost The Big Weight, I learned to modify my traditional dishes to be low/lower fat and I have kept that up for many years. This year, I want to try to incorporate some of my lower-carb philosophy into my T-day treats. I have come up with some ideas , but would love to hear any favorite recipes or ideas you might have that are low-carb (i.e., not potatoes, rice, bread, etc.).

I have already thought of these things:

- Mashed cauliflower with parmesan cheese instead of mashed potatoes (for me and DB only...other guests will still get mashed taters!)
- Green salad (which I've never had before at Thanksgiving)
- Green beans with bacon (again, a traditional thing I've never done for T-day, but YUM)
- Altering my famous broccoli casserole to remove some (or all) of the crackers (it's basically broccoli, cheese, butter and crackers)
- Using Ezekiel bread for stuffing

Any other fave lower-carb recipes you might suggest?

More than half of vacation gain is gone!

2009-11-11T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm down 6 lbs. since Sunday morning. It's amazing how the program works when you get right back on it! 4 more lbs. to equal my new low from right before vacation and I'm feeling strong.

Today I'm wearing some cute pants I bought at Goodwill in NYC...they just barely aren't too big so I need to wear them quickly! ;-) A good feeling while dressing in the morning...

Whirlwind NYC Week!

2009-11-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

I'm baaaack. :-)

And I weigh a little under 10 pounds more than when I left. This is, of course, not great, but I was so low when I left that it is not a catastrophe. DB and I are doing carb deplete this week so things are back under control.

The beginning of the week we were pretty good foodwise and, of course, there is a lot of exercise with all the walking we do in NYC -- my sister is also on the program so we were doing well together. DB started to fall off the wagon with post-dinner ice cream with my brother-in-law and nephew early in the week. I fell off the cliff with the huge plate of nachos at midnight on Tuesday from room service. Oh oh. The abyss was reached Friday night when I ate pasta, popcorn and ice cream. Can you say carb overload? Yikes. So you can see why I'm actually not too upset about the 10ish pounds. It could have been worse and a lot of it is probably water.

On to happier subjects...

We arrived Halloween night. Went to the hotel (my brother-in-law works in fine dining at a very nice midtown hotel and he got us the family rate...and lots of other nice perks) and checked in then got on a bus uptown to meet my sister and kids at a party. My nephew was trick-or-treating in a high-rise building and my niece was out with her tween friends. The party was fun and, from the 26th floor apartment, we saw fireworks from Central Park to celebrate the next day's marathon. After we left the party (the rest of the family headed to my sister's for the night), DB and I ended up in Times Square. NYC is so fun on Halloween because it's a pedestrian city so you see EVERYONE in costume (I had a clown nose and devil horn headband...told everyone I was a scary clown until a little kid in an elevator told me I was neither scary nor a clown!). After Times Square we went down to the Village to try to catch the Halloween parade, but it was already over so we just wandered around in the drizzle (I do not miss rain) watching people and enjoying the vibe of the city. Got home after midnight (NYC time...this was just about 9 pm our time) and had a good Caesar salad for "dinner".

Sunday we got up late (even including the "fall back" time change) and went up to my sister's in Harlem to meet the family for breakfast (on plan) and then walked a few blocks to see the NYC Marathon. What fun! We were at about the 23-mile marker and were very impressed with how well most of the people were doing at that point. It was a kick to cheer people on -- a lot of them had their names on their shirts so you could cheer for them by name. One lady in front of us was high-fiving as many runners as she could. ;-)

The place we stood for the Marathon was right by my favorite NYC store -- Goodwill! So, of course, I had to shop a little. Found some amazing bargains (all really nice brands, in good condition)...and only spent about $40 total in this trip and another one on Monday!

Sunday evening we went to a 60th birthday party for a friend of my sister's family then DB, my sister and I went to dinner at a Mexican place for some grown-up time. Oh yeah...I guess those chips weren't exactly on program either...

Monday...hmm...other than another Goodwill trip, I think it was basically a quiet day hanging with the family while kids were in school.

Tuesday the kids were off school so it was their Special Day with DB and me. They both wanted to go shopping so we went to Toys R Us in Times Square for Nephew (7) and Macy's for Niece (12 going on 25). There is a huge ferris wheel IN the Toys R Us!!!! Wow. We went on it and had fun. Nephew was careful to buy just want he wanted (Legos, some Nerf swords, some Pokemon cards). We had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square and we all loved it -- good, reasonably-priced food and a museum to boot! Here is where we first noticed that all restaurants in NYC have calorie counts on the menu. VERY eye-opening.

After lunch we went to Macy's and Niece and I had a ball shopping while DB and Nephew grinned and bore it. ;-) The lady who checked us out told us that we could get 10% off the already-low prices because we were visiting from out-of-town. That was a nice surprise! I got an adorable LeSportSac bag for about $30 and Niece got a few things she really wanted too...score!

Wednesday (post-nachos and sleep-in our last night in the hotel...my mom moved into the room for the rest of the week), I had a short business meeting at noon, then we headed up to Westchester to visit a very good friend of mine who is fighting leukemia. (I may have mentioned last year when she was first diagnosed. She went into remission after treatment last year, but came out of remission about 6 weeks ago. She has been in treatment in the hospital every since.) A friend of my friend drove us up there and that was so nice -- my friend has amazing friends taking care of her (no family) and that made me feel better. But it was really hard seeing her in that hospital bed. Once they get her stabilized, she will get a bone marrow transplant. Hopefully that will completely cure her. Be sure to register for the national bone marrow donor program...you never know when someone might need this from you.

Thursday was my mom's big 8-0. :-) My sister and I surprised her by taking her to the Today Show that morning. My sister had gotten huge 8 and 0 silver balloons and we carried them around all day. At 8:30 when the anchors of the show came outside, my sister shouted to Meredith Viera that it was my mom's birthday and Meredith came over and interviewed her on camera!!!! My mom was THRILLED. After about an hour there (it was COLD), we went inside Rockefeller Center for breakfast overlooking the skating rink -- people kept dropping by our table to tell my mom happy birthday and that they had seen her on tv. We dropped my mom off at the hotel for lunch with a friend and we went home to get ready for the rest of the day. My sister had borrowed a friend's car so we didn't have to use public transportation this day (my mom has a hard time walking, etc.).

Mommy wanted her photo taken in Times Square on her b-day so the whole family headed there before dinner. Lots of fun and great photos. Then my brother-in-law had arranged for us to have an amazing dinner at his restaurant. Two of my mom's nieces and their husbands came and surprised her. It was really a lovely lovely dinner and a special day. My sister and brother-in-law outdid themselves and my mom was SO happy. :-)

On Friday, DB and I went to the Yankees' ticker tape parade in downtown Manhattan. Well, we got to within a block of it...it was JAMMED. So much fun to see so many people so happy. We also walked over to Battery Park City (where I had never been) and saw the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island from there. One of these times, I'm going to take DB out to see them closer... ;-)

Friday night were were going to go to karaoke, but decided to just stay home and play games with the family (after the aforementioned pasta and ice cream dinner...the popcorn was later).

Nephew had a soccer game in Central Park at 10 am on Saturday so we were up early. Lugged our luggage down there and went to get my mom at the hotel afterwards. The whole family had lunch together then we got our cab back to the airport.

I hate flying, but I love Virgin America. I love their purple and red color scheme. I love the screens on the back of the chairs where you can order food, movies, etc. with your credit card. I love that part a little too much. I don't want to say how much I spent on the flight!! But I was less scared than usual thanks to too much wine, my mom enjoyed watching Julie & Julia and I enjoyed watching The Proposal. The flight went by in no time and we were home.

Much as I loved the trip, NYC and, MOST OF ALL, my family, it was nice to be home...and to have yesterday to recuperate. :-)

Back on program and feeling good...missed you all and will catch up soon...

New low today!!

2009-10-30T22:32:00.000-07:00

And it's ONLY because of the program (on which I have NOT been perfect). Despite desire, never made it to yoga this week...NO formal exercise...AGAIN. But I am vigilant with what I ingest. And THAT must be important. I am not losing fast like the June - July period, but very very slowly moving down...and with NO real exercise. When I kick the exercise back in gear...WATCH OUT! ;-)

Leaving for a week in NYC tomorrow to celebrate my mom's 80th...I may be here or not. But I am reading you all and still WITH you even when not commenting. :-)

Happy Halloween/Samhain! :-)

Sad end to long-term relationship a/k/a U2 concert

2009-10-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

I had a great time last night, but I thought the show sucked. From what I see on-line today, I must have been the only one. I feel like I broke up with my favorite band last night:

It was already bothering me that they give lip service to saving the planet but are hauling those huge stages around the world (not to mention that they must have had to take a private plane from NYC to LA yesterday to make the show -- maybe that's why they seemed so lackluster to me). Then to have tickets cost $250 (for where I sat -- luckily I got mine free) PLUS exorbitant parking fees (I loved the "party bus" we took, by the way...would do that again...so nice to not have to drive). And THEN to have them completely (in my opinion) not interact with the audience -- I mean they had those huge bridges moving around all the time and I think Bono came out to the outer ring ONCE and Edge once?! They seemed much more worried about filming their show for yet more dough than with giving a good show for the people who were THERE. I actually hear that it was good on-line. But I was THERE and I was very VERY disappointed. Very. I actually cried about halfway through when I realized they just aren't the band I fell in love with in the 80s. This doesn't mean that I don't still LOVE the music. But I really don't see myself going to any more of their shows... :-(

I'm pooped from not getting to bed until 2 am -- maybe I'm just OLD. Nahhhhh... ;-)

Good news is that I took all my own food and drinks so did very well on program. :-)

Lazy lazy lazy

2009-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

Lazy blogger, lazy exerciser, lazy is my middle name this week. But, with all that, somehow I have managed to really keep my weight down. This morning I am just tenths of a pound higher than my absolute lowest. I also am maintaining here at 30 pounds down from two years ago. While I am not thrilled that I am stalled with 10-15 more lbs to go, I am trying to pump myself up by patting myself on my back for my success and continuing vigilance.

Last weekend was a ball -- in some ways I like this "decompression" better than I like the big Burning Man event itself. It's a lot closer (3 1/2 to 4 hour drive instead of 12 hour drive), cleaner (sand instead of dust that sticks to your every pore...and even a hot springs and shower if you're into that!), and smaller so more friendly. We had a fantastic spot for our camp (under some trees -- which is nice in the desert -- and among the derelict train cars that are part of the art on this property) and ended up with 6 adults and three kids. Our camp was away a little bit from the two main camping areas -- one in a "wash" and one up a road on a hill -- so we were really in the middle of it. DB and Mr. Microwave did an amazing job of setting it all up on Friday so it was finished when we finally arrived at about 11:30 Friday night.

Saturday morning I woke up in our tent to the sounds of DB and the Microwaves chatting in our dome/living area and thought how nice it was to hear beloved voices as your alarm clock. The whole day I felt so much love for everyone -- it was very very emotional and wonderful. DB and I roamed looking at art, meeting people, etc. in our costumes (see below). I read a book a lot and chatted with people who came by our camp. Changed costumes late in the day and read and roamed some more. After dinner (yes, DB and I did very well staying on plan), we roamed some more to watch the big "burn" -- two guys dressed up in fireproof outfits with fire shooting through their hands somehow destroying a cardboard city that someone built -- kinda like a real-life Godzilla movie. It was fun. And then behind that they were showing Harry Potter with a silly voiceover...it was a night like that.

Sunday we spent several hours breaking down and packing up. As usual, some people help and some don't. It's disappointing that everyone doesn't pitch in for the WORK, but all expect the fun. One person who came with us actually showed up with no tent, just a sleeping bag, gallon of water, some chips and nuts and a box of wine. Seriously. She expected us (mostly DB) to do everything for her...including feeding her our meals. I told DB that we cannot invite this person anymore...she did a similar thing last time she went camping with us and I resent it. Oh well...

Despite what I half-heartedly thought last Friday, I did crap crap crappy at getting back to exercise this week as in I did NONE. :-( I'm not sure what I need to do to get that going again, but it's hard now that it's dark when I get home from work. I am focusing on this A LOT. Am determined to hit the local yoga studio at least once next week.

This weekend is going to be super-busy: tomorrow we have to unpack from last weekend and then I have to pack up for U2 on Sunday! It's going to be like a mini-camping trip. They are playing at the Rose Bowl and, while they are my favorite band of all time, the whole experience is going to be an ordeal. You have to arrive around noon or something, spend the afternoon picnicking or whatever in the parking/park area, then the show (Black Eyed Peas opening) starts at 7. After the show (probably about 11:30, I expect it will take HOURS to get out of parking and home). I'm a little irritated with U2 for choosing this venue...not the greatest for aging fans like me!! But Mrs. Microwave and I are going and we are going to have FUN, dammit!! ;-)

Helly & Gonzo in Dreamland

2009-10-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, we had a ball. :-)

Camping in Costume

2009-10-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is what I will be doing this weekend. Yee haw! I need a mini-vacation after the last couple of weeks at work. Jamming to try to leave the office a little early (it's a 3 1/2 hour drive...DB and Microwave daddy have already left...Microwave mommy, kids and I are following later), but wanted to quickly post.

Called the doc on Monday and described my breast pain...he thought it might be a nerve thing and told me to ice then heat the area that night and, if it wasn't better, to call. It's better. Whew. :-)

Still on a quest for shoes...bought some more Tevas and Earth shoes this week...walked about a mile this morning wearing Converse and my toe was hurting after a block. Sadly ('cause they are my fave shoes ever) I think I'm going to have to seriously curtail Converse-wearing unless I'm walking less than a block (which rarely happens). :-(

Weight is still staying in the same (lower) range. Not great 'cause I'm not losing, but not horrible. I know why this is happening: NO ORGANIZED EXERCISE. This has got to stop. It's great to know that I can maintain on this plan without exercise, but I still want to LOSE. It's been over a decade since I've gone this long without organized exercise. Bad bad thing. It's probably contributing to all my physical issues. I've got to get myself back into the habit.

Had a big talk with DB last night about Mexican food. He agreed with some friends that we would go have Mexican dinner without talking with me. I hate going to Mexican restaurants because they are the one place where it is really REALLY hard to stay on plan. I am powerless over tortilla chips when I'm hungry and almost nothing Mexican has good veggies (except fajitas...which aren't even real Mexican food!). I was extremely cranky because either (a) I was going to overeat, or (b) I was going to eat on-plan and be miserable watching everyone else enjoy "treats" that I can't have. This is why I avoid restaurants like this like the plague. I didn't do horribly, but the chips did suck me in and I felt FAT afterwards. I asked DB (probably not very nicely) to NEVER agree to go to Mexican again without talking with me (this is hard for him because Mexican is probably his favorite food). I explained my issues with it. He felt too full too and finally understood how I feel. Karma: this morning, my weight was down 0.2 from yesterday...and his was up 2 lbs.

I wish food wasn't such a big issue in my life. But it is. Coping with that is, I guess, one of my life's great lessons. But I don't have to like it. ;-)

So freakin' busy

2009-10-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who is still checking in with me even though I've been MIA for over a week....

Last week was incredibly busy at work...a couple of big deals and juggling all my usual stuff left no time for blogging and only limited time for reading the rest of you. It was one of those weeks where I really earned "the big bucks". ;-)

No, I have not yet been to the doc, but I'm calling tomorrow. The pain is bad some days, but not debilitating most days. However, it's been going on long enough that I don't feel like I hypochondriac going to check it out.

Weight-wise, I had a good week. I feel like I'm back moving in the right direction. This morning my weight was just 1 pound above my absolute lowest...and that's unheard of for a Sunday (Saturday is carb-up night and I had a couple of beers last night).

Yesterday I went to Goodwill to buy some jeans that fit...most of mine, while they are not falling off, don't look so great because they are baggy (I think that makes me look fatter than I am). It was fun to have almost every one I tried on fit. :-) I have some good-fitting jeans now and some that will be perfect in 5 pounds. And they are only $6 each! Can't beat that.

I've also been haunting ebay all week...trying to find cheap deals on different brands of shoes to try to find some that work for my wacky feet. Got some Merrells -- they are nice for my bunion, but they don't work well with my bad toe. The Teva boots are really good so far. Am going to try to get some Earth shoes this week because it seems that the shoes that go up in the front help support the bad toe (many Tevas do this). Even in Tevas though, sometimes (this morning) my toe hurts after walking not even that far. So I'll still be checking out more brands on ebay...trying to find ones that work for cheap.

Today we're working to pack up for a camping trip we're going on next weekend...yay! :-)

P.S. For those of you who aren't my Facebook friends, I went roller-blading for the first time ever on Thursday night!! I was slow and scared, but I didn't fall down a single time and I think that's pretty darn good for a 47-year-old who had never been on blades before! :-)

Ouchy body parts

2009-10-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm just getting old...

The past two mornings I have woken up with really bad pain under my left arm, up around my breast and radiating down my arm. Yesterday, the pain went away by afternoon. This morning it woke me up early and hurt so much I couldn't go back to sleep. I've promised DB that I will go see a doctor (but which doctor?!) early next week if it's not better. It's probably hormonal (started the day after I stopped progesterone for the month), but it is worrying...even though I just had a clean mammogram two weeks ago, I worry about lymph nodes, heart, etc. I am a great hypochondriac.

It also may be caffeine...I've been having a little more lately than usual...but usually only on Saturday and Sunday.

This is in addition to kind of ouchy swollen knees for the past couple of days. I can't figure out what made this happen because (unfortunately) I haven't done any odd exercise that would have caused this. I did eat some bad salty nuts on Tuesday night while I waited for the tsunami (oh yeah, we had a tsunami advisory...ended up being nothing) and that probably contributed. I also am having trouble with a bunion...

Sunday I walked almost literally all day. Half the day was in my good Tevas (the only shoe that is REALLY comfy on me with my foot issues) and half the day was in my Converse (which I love, but which definitely are not made for walking...at least for me). Monday, my right foot (where I have a bunion) was incredibly painful. I got some spacers at the drugstore and also some toe spreaders to wear each night for 10 minutes. These seem to help, but I wonder if this foot stuff didn't also contribute to the knee stuff...

I have to find some more brands of shoes that I can wear...my mom has/had horrible bunions and I have her feet. I don't want to have surgery so I'm trying all these other things. And I need to find a brand of shoes that works on my feet (Clarks and Birkenstocks and Crocs, for example, which work for a lot of people do NOT work on my feet). I also need to find a brand that makes nice "work" pumps that I can wear with dresses that don't look like old lady shoes. So far, I have been unsuccessful in finding such so if anyone has any hot tips, please chime in!

Tonight we have Princess staying with us before we take her to the airport tomorrow to go visit her daddy in the South. I'm really looking forward to this because we rarely get just Papa/Helen/Princess time alone anymore now that she has three siblings!!

My mom moved into her assisted living today and I went over at lunchtime to see her progress. It's a really nice place and she's excited to be moved (even though there's a LOT of unpacking to do!).

And, oh yeah, the beer took its toll -- I'm up 2 pounds from last Friday. But I seem to stay in ranges until my body adjusts to new lows -- now the range I'm in is about 4-5 pounds less than it was a month ago. And that's a good thing.

I fell off the program into a keg of beer

2009-09-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

But the damage was not too severe! ;-)

Did great at the party on Saturday evening -- had cucumber with fat free cream cheese and smoked salmon, drank sparingly, and finally had two piece of pizza. Not bad at all for a carb-up night.

BUT, no one was drinking the keg of beer we got -- everyone seemed to want wine. So, on Sunday, we had a huge lot of beer to get rid of. And a lazy Sunday to make that happen. So Sunday was beer-drinking but I was careful to not eat much knowing that I was having beer calories and we also did A LOT of walking and biking all over Venice (a big street festival was going on a few blocks from our house and we wandered around that off and on all day). Result? Damage yesterday morning wasn't TOO bad.

After I helped my mom pack for her move all day yesterday (my office was closed for Yom Kippur), last night we went to get the keg from our friend's house where we had the party and brought it back to our house (we had to return it today). I apparently took it as a personal challenge to make it as light as possible for DB to have to carry when he returned it today. Sigh...scale this morning wasn't horrible, but up.

I'll be ok...it was a really fun weekend. :-)