Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Back on The Drastic Wagon (and more Addict's Mind)

I crawled back up on my Drastic wagon yesterday and I feel good. When I'm off the wagon, it seem so high, almost insurmountable, to climb back up, but when I'm up there, it's a pretty easy ride even though there are bumps sometimes. I'm anxious to see a loss this week...and keep on down again.

More on Addict's Mind:

From dealing with my cigarette addiction, I do totally recognize Addict's Mind: that little devil on my shoulder that tries to push me off the wagon and keep me walking beside the wagon rather than riding along. Being able (no, that's the wrong word...the right word is "willing") to not let it control me is another thing altogether. I managed to beat it with smoking, but only by really accepting that I am one puff away from a pack a day. Seriously.

With food, it's not that "easy" because I still have to eat. I can't just say NO FOOD EVER AGAIN. I guess I can say "no bad food ever again", but that just seems way too depressing to me...I feel like I've given up a lot of "bad" or "rebel" behaviors over the years and I just can't let go of all of them. And, yes, that's probably Addict's Mind talking again.

And I see what I have been doing the past few weeks -- using the classic Addict's Excuse: STUFF is happening so I can't deal with my addiction right now. Well, stuff happens. And it will keep happening. And I had to learn to deal with STUFF without cigarettes. When I was quitting smoking, I actually sat and thought of the MOST AWFUL thing I could think of happening in my life and said to myself -- if that happens, you CANNOT SMOKE and I actually visualized it (even though it made me sick and made me cry). I haven't had to deal with that thing (and I hope I never do), but I have dealt with a lot without smoking...so I know it's possible. But I haven't mastered dealing without food (and, yes, for me, drink).

And when I fall off the wagon, Addict's Mind is right there in the road, wanting me to stay with it and not climb back up. It's always a fight if I let myself stroll along (slide) too much.

There is addictive behavior in all of Us. It manifests both ways like Vickie often says -- the anorexic is just the other side of the fat person. Personally, I think it's about control...and letting go of it. I am a person who LOVES control...and who maybe needs "help" letting go of it. In fact, strike that "maybe" and I think I might have a revelation there. ;-)

Anyway...clearly, I'm not there yet (and may never be)...it's scary how fast these pounds crept back over the summer. The pants from before The Drastic are still baggy, but the skinny pants? I'm afraid to even try them on. :-( Tonight is gym and then salad for dinner...again. :-)


Cindy...154 said...

I feel the same way. I have given up many things I used to do. I am holding on to my coffee and I want to hold on to some food choices, too. I don't want NEVER to apply to any food, I want to be using my freedom of choice. Right now I am choosing certain foods. But later on, after a while I would like to once and a while choose some other ones. You are right, the pounds start creeping up. That's what got me this time, when the five came back and then would not come back off. So I got on this current deal I am doing. Your Drastic worked great before and it will work again. I think catching ourselves and doing something about it before it gets to the 'what's the use' stage is most important. Go Drasstic!!

Vickie said...

As you and Cindy have been writing about yourselves - I have been having AHA moments. I commented on Cindy's blog - THE LIGHT DAWN-ITH. And this is so true for me.

And as you two have been writing, I have been understanding WHY I have felt so differently for several years.

It is because right from the beginning of my blogging days - I identified with the 300-400 pound bloggers' writings.

I recognized the addicts habits that had gotten them to great weights. I saw all of that in myself. My weight did not have to get that high for me to GET IT.

I have NEVER thought of this journey as a diet. I have thought of this as recovery from the very beginning.

I had not been able to figure out why I seemed to think 'so differently' - until you guys started to think 'so differently' too.

When you start to write different things than the general population of bloggers, 'your seeing' helped 'my seeing' - greatly.

I am able to see the addicts mind in others much more clearly. When other make ENABLING comments on blogs - I can SEE it more clearly now. And that is helping be udnerstand why I FEEL/WRITE so differently than other people seem to feel/write.