Tuesday, June 29, 2010

June Gloom and Rash

It's been gray gray gray for days and weeks (with a tiny tiny bit of sun last Sunday). They call it June Gloom in coastal California and this year I'm hating it with a passion. I feel completely gray on days like today. And that is pretty unlike me. I feel unmotivated to kick my exercise and diet up the notch that needs to happen.


I've had a rash on my inner arms for the past three days. I have wracked my brain and have no idea what might have caused this -- no new laundry detergent, clothes or anything like that. No new food that I never ate before. Benedryl doesn't seem to help it and cortisone cream only helps for a short time. It itches and it's hugely bumpy. I have no known allergies so this is really a pain...


I'm dealing with The Rash while stressing (yes, maybe it's a stress rash, but I've never had that happen before) over flying this weekend. Yuck, I hate to fly so much. And this weekend I'm going solo to Minnesota to visit a friend who is very sick (idiopathic cardiomyopathy -- which basically means her heart is dying, they don't know why and nothing they are doing to help it is working -- and she's 6 months older than me). I am hating to fly MORE as I get older...I've been feeling nauseous about it this time for almost 3 weeks. :-(


I'll be missing DB...we haven't been apart for three days in a while.


I'll be having a lot of fun with Minnesota Friend (even though it's in the 80s and and supposed to rain all weekend there...). :-)

(With so little sunshiney stuff to say, is it any wonder I don't want to blog?)

Friday, June 18, 2010

Slippery grip

For the first time, I am sympathizing with those bloggers who say they don't want to write when they aren't doing so well. I tend to look on the positive side of most things and weight is no exception, but I've been struggling for months now and am not really making any headway, except to mitigate damage done by overdoing.

Lately my downfall has definitely been eating out. And this is a hard one for me to remove from my life...I like to eat out and we do it pretty often. And I almost always order very well. Last night, for example, I went to Indian food with a friend. I didn't order a fatty curry full of ghee. I didn't order rice or nan. I ordered a mixed salad (picked out the carrots and didn't eat them) and chicken tikka (grilled boneless chicken with grilled onions and peppers). I ate the whole salad and about 2/3 of the chicken (which was, admittedly, a lot). I had a little pappadam (lentil cracker) and pumpkin/garlic chutney. I had a glass of wine. I think this is a reasonable dinner. The scale didn't.

I still eat very well during the week -- in fact, I have a huge rut and eat virtually the same thing every single day until dinner. Weekends, like Vickie noted in her comment on my last post, are a problem since, while I order well, we eat out. A lot.

I'm not doing a lot of exercise even though I am still walking every morning and a few nights a week. This could be the problem. I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself to get back to it...it's June Gloom time here in Cali and it does affect my mood/energy. I'm full of excuses. And this is why I don't want to blog. :-(

Friday, June 11, 2010

Got a grip

Thanks to writing my blog, a lot of thoughtful consideration, some teeth-gritting and some VERY APPRECIATED comments from Vickie that I kept running through my mind at tough times, I have gotten my groove back this week. Whew!

I have been perfect on the Crack and have gotten rid of the terrible 8 pounds from last weekend plus another pound for good measure. It goes to show how "easy" it is to get those first lbs off...mine are generally mostly water...when I stop the bad carbs and start drinking lots of water, the first few days are really rewarding. But now it's time to get back into the business of losing and maintaining.

I am happy that I weigh every day and write down every day (since last year). This means that I can go back and see where I was last year, where the weight starts edging up...this gives me clues as to what things are challenging for me, i.e., what I need to work on.

From looking at this record (I've actually been writing down my weight for three years at least weekly), I can see my progress (I weigh substantially less than three years ago), my trends and tendencies (I settle into a 10-pound range where it seems pretty "easy" for me to maintain even when not being perfect), and when I tend to fall (VACATION).

That 10-pound range is something I've been thinking about a lot. The bottom of it is the lowest I have been in the past several years (right before Halloween last year) and the highest is where I am today. I maintained in the lower 5 pounds of that range from last summer until January. When we started skiing (lots of mini-vacations), I drifted to the higher 5 pounds of the range. The weight I am today is the HIGHEST I can really let myself weigh without damaging my knees and without feeling truly awful. Even one pound above this weight feels bad.

The other thing is that I want to edge this "maintenance" range down 10 pounds so that my upper limit is 10 pounds less than I am today. That is my next little step...and it seems that I've been doing this the past three years...each year I'm about 10 pounds less than the year before...so hopefully I will be successful and, next year, will be in the range I want to be.

I'm doing very little exercise since we quit skiing...a couple of beach walks a week with DB (3-4 miles round trip) are pretty much it. I am still struggling with my thumb, but I NEED to get back to yoga. Easier said than done. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to do things for me that make me feel better!

I guess this is all part of the journey...I've been thinking a lot this week about how I will always have these struggles to some extent...and how I need to get myself back in the healthy ruts that make the struggles less.

Thanks to everyone for your comments...it really really helps.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Completely out of control

I realized this morning that yesterday I did not make ONE good food choice all day. I can't even remember the last time that happened. It has been MANY years since I ate just what I "wanted" for an entire day and damn the consequences. And, boy oh boy, were there consequences. I am not a happy girl. I am a very FAT girl.

Yesterday was just the culmination of 5 days of vacation...during which I was totally good for maybe 12 hours at a stretch on the first day only. 8 pounds in 5 days has to be some kind of a record. And I wasn't at a low weight when I started this vacation so the damage is very very bad.

So many things are running around in my head about me and my food on this vacation. I lost it. I totally lost it. And I've been trying to figure out why. I think it has to do with not being in control of my environment AT ALL. We went somewhere where there were no real cooking facilities. We ate meals at lots of restaurants (SALT and FAT...and I made BAD choices). We did quite a bit of physical activity (hiking, building, hiking some more)...if I had been eating my "normal" way, I would have LOST weight. But I didn't.

So, today, in addition to a truly horrifying number on the scale (which I totally deserve), I am facing knees that feel worse than they have in months (I think I have realized at just what weight my knees can be happy and this ain't it). My whole body is bloated from fat, salt and MASSIVE carbs. I am lucky that anything fit me this morning.

So. I am very disappointed in me. VERY. It's terrifying how I have lost it the past few weeks. I heard a teeny bit of a segment with Al Roker on the Today Show yesterday where he was talking about his weight loss journey. He talked about how he doesn't see a very different person in the mirror than he did when he was much heavier (I think many of Us have talked about the same weird body image problem) and about how he is "one quarter-pounder" away from being fat again. He is so right. My actions this weekend were the actions of an addict. A mindless addict. I bought Ben & Jerrys ICE CREAM last night after dinner (out), for God's sake. And this was after a huge "country" breakfast in the morning, Taco Bell (not the good stuff) lunch and sushi dinner...and NO exercise...just sitting in the car for 8 1/2 hours. I had to write that down to try to get myself to SEE just how horrible it was.

What do I learn here (or HOPEFULLY learn here)?
1. I am now over the weight where my knees are in good shape. I cannot weigh this much, period.
2. When we go away, I need to think long and hard about the situations I will be faced with and have a plan about how to deal with them.
3. I have to take control...again.

Today I started on the carb deplete of the Crack program...again. DB (who has also gained back a lot of the weight he lost last year) is with me...I think. I really need his support on this...and I need to support him (even though I know he'll lose faster than me...and maybe not be as strict as me...and that makes me jealous).

Oh yeah...and in addition to the fun of our weekend (which, other than overdoing it, was REALLY fun and in a totally beautiful part of California that I had never visited before)...my second uncle in two weeks died while we were gone. No more aunts or uncles left. And this last one really hit me hard...I knew him better than my other aunts and uncles...he was my dad's only brother. Uncle G loved my dad so much that he still cried when he talked about him almost 20 years after my dad died. He had the greatest smile and laugh. Like my dad, he was a truly good-hearted man. He had a good long life and he missed my aunt (who died about a year and a half ago) a lot...they had been married for 60 years or something like that and he told me when I last saw him that he would be ready to go when she did. I am getting all teary again writing this...goodbye, Uncle G, I was so lucky to have you in my life. You probably never knew how much I felt that.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Off to camping...

...feeling VERY fat. I need exercise and to seriously STOP salt.

It's supposed to rain where we are going until Saturday so we'll be staying in a motel for the first two nights. Back on Tuesday...hopefully having not gained MORE. :-(