I realized this morning that yesterday I did not make ONE good food choice all day. I can't even remember the last time that happened. It has been MANY years since I ate just what I "wanted" for an entire day and damn the consequences. And, boy oh boy, were there consequences. I am not a happy girl. I am a very FAT girl.
Yesterday was just the culmination of 5 days of vacation...during which I was totally good for maybe 12 hours at a stretch on the first day only. 8 pounds in 5 days has to be some kind of a record. And I wasn't at a low weight when I started this vacation so the damage is very very bad.
So many things are running around in my head about me and my food on this vacation. I lost it. I totally lost it. And I've been trying to figure out why. I think it has to do with not being in control of my environment AT ALL. We went somewhere where there were no real cooking facilities. We ate meals at lots of restaurants (SALT and FAT...and I made BAD choices). We did quite a bit of physical activity (hiking, building, hiking some more)...if I had been eating my "normal" way, I would have LOST weight. But I didn't.
So, today, in addition to a truly horrifying number on the scale (which I totally deserve), I am facing knees that feel worse than they have in months (I think I have realized at just what weight my knees can be happy and this ain't it). My whole body is bloated from fat, salt and MASSIVE carbs. I am lucky that anything fit me this morning.
So. I am very disappointed in me. VERY. It's terrifying how I have lost it the past few weeks. I heard a teeny bit of a segment with Al Roker on the Today Show yesterday where he was talking about his weight loss journey. He talked about how he doesn't see a very different person in the mirror than he did when he was much heavier (I think many of Us have talked about the same weird body image problem) and about how he is "one quarter-pounder" away from being fat again. He is so right. My actions this weekend were the actions of an addict. A mindless addict. I bought Ben & Jerrys ICE CREAM last night after dinner (out), for God's sake. And this was after a huge "country" breakfast in the morning, Taco Bell (not the good stuff) lunch and sushi dinner...and NO exercise...just sitting in the car for 8 1/2 hours. I had to write that down to try to get myself to SEE just how horrible it was.
What do I learn here (or HOPEFULLY learn here)?
1. I am now over the weight where my knees are in good shape. I cannot weigh this much, period.
2. When we go away, I need to think long and hard about the situations I will be faced with and have a plan about how to deal with them.
3. I have to take control...again.
Today I started on the carb deplete of the Crack program...again. DB (who has also gained back a lot of the weight he lost last year) is with me...I think. I really need his support on this...and I need to support him (even though I know he'll lose faster than me...and maybe not be as strict as me...and that makes me jealous).
Oh yeah...and in addition to the fun of our weekend (which, other than overdoing it, was REALLY fun and in a totally beautiful part of California that I had never visited before)...my second uncle in two weeks died while we were gone. No more aunts or uncles left. And this last one really hit me hard...I knew him better than my other aunts and uncles...he was my dad's only brother. Uncle G loved my dad so much that he still cried when he talked about him almost 20 years after my dad died. He had the greatest smile and laugh. Like my dad, he was a truly good-hearted man. He had a good long life and he missed my aunt (who died about a year and a half ago) a lot...they had been married for 60 years or something like that and he told me when I last saw him that he would be ready to go when she did. I am getting all teary again writing this...goodbye, Uncle G, I was so lucky to have you in my life. You probably never knew how much I felt that.