Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Completely out of control

I realized this morning that yesterday I did not make ONE good food choice all day. I can't even remember the last time that happened. It has been MANY years since I ate just what I "wanted" for an entire day and damn the consequences. And, boy oh boy, were there consequences. I am not a happy girl. I am a very FAT girl.

Yesterday was just the culmination of 5 days of vacation...during which I was totally good for maybe 12 hours at a stretch on the first day only. 8 pounds in 5 days has to be some kind of a record. And I wasn't at a low weight when I started this vacation so the damage is very very bad.

So many things are running around in my head about me and my food on this vacation. I lost it. I totally lost it. And I've been trying to figure out why. I think it has to do with not being in control of my environment AT ALL. We went somewhere where there were no real cooking facilities. We ate meals at lots of restaurants (SALT and FAT...and I made BAD choices). We did quite a bit of physical activity (hiking, building, hiking some more)...if I had been eating my "normal" way, I would have LOST weight. But I didn't.

So, today, in addition to a truly horrifying number on the scale (which I totally deserve), I am facing knees that feel worse than they have in months (I think I have realized at just what weight my knees can be happy and this ain't it). My whole body is bloated from fat, salt and MASSIVE carbs. I am lucky that anything fit me this morning.

So. I am very disappointed in me. VERY. It's terrifying how I have lost it the past few weeks. I heard a teeny bit of a segment with Al Roker on the Today Show yesterday where he was talking about his weight loss journey. He talked about how he doesn't see a very different person in the mirror than he did when he was much heavier (I think many of Us have talked about the same weird body image problem) and about how he is "one quarter-pounder" away from being fat again. He is so right. My actions this weekend were the actions of an addict. A mindless addict. I bought Ben & Jerrys ICE CREAM last night after dinner (out), for God's sake. And this was after a huge "country" breakfast in the morning, Taco Bell (not the good stuff) lunch and sushi dinner...and NO exercise...just sitting in the car for 8 1/2 hours. I had to write that down to try to get myself to SEE just how horrible it was.

What do I learn here (or HOPEFULLY learn here)?
1. I am now over the weight where my knees are in good shape. I cannot weigh this much, period.
2. When we go away, I need to think long and hard about the situations I will be faced with and have a plan about how to deal with them.
3. I have to take control...again.

Today I started on the carb deplete of the Crack program...again. DB (who has also gained back a lot of the weight he lost last year) is with me...I think. I really need his support on this...and I need to support him (even though I know he'll lose faster than me...and maybe not be as strict as me...and that makes me jealous).

Oh yeah...and in addition to the fun of our weekend (which, other than overdoing it, was REALLY fun and in a totally beautiful part of California that I had never visited before)...my second uncle in two weeks died while we were gone. No more aunts or uncles left. And this last one really hit me hard...I knew him better than my other aunts and uncles...he was my dad's only brother. Uncle G loved my dad so much that he still cried when he talked about him almost 20 years after my dad died. He had the greatest smile and laugh. Like my dad, he was a truly good-hearted man. He had a good long life and he missed my aunt (who died about a year and a half ago) a lot...they had been married for 60 years or something like that and he told me when I last saw him that he would be ready to go when she did. I am getting all teary again writing this...goodbye, Uncle G, I was so lucky to have you in my life. You probably never knew how much I felt that.


Vickie said...

You wrote:
"We went somewhere where there were no real cooking facilities."
that sounds like you usually have kitchenette. what was the series of events that lead you on a vacation where you did not?

because that seems (from what you wrote) to be a key piece - do you think? It sort of set into motion the 'what in the whole wide world do I want to eat?' thinking.

The very first thing that came to my mind as I read was - your journey can't be based on someone else. the people that do that do not have success in maintenance (IMO). Whether it is a program or a sponsor or a friend or spouse - can't be tied up in them cooperating or participating. If they do - great - but can't be tied up in a 3rd party. Have to stand on own feet.

The second thing that came to mind is Yoga Lisa - we start from where we are. NO woulda/shoulda/couldas. It will paralize you/me/all of us. Glancing backward to learn (like importance of food prep area) is one thing - but can't move forward if you are staring backwards. I write that more to hear it myself than for you to hear it. that has been one of my biggest factors.

then the third thing that came to mind is this sorta has self sabotage written all over it. And I wondered WHY?

(did you eat ALL the Ben and Jerry's? And what size was it?)

I totally understand about the knees. For me it is a whole train wreck - knees, GI, migraines, belly thickness, one right after the other. It is AMAZING after carrying so much extra weight how we NOTICE even a couple extra pounds as real pain - physical pain and emotional pain.

and that is a good thing - there are a lot of people that have to get back to 100+lbs before that hits them.

Vickie said...

no time for spell check - busy day (again!)

Vickie said...

you might look at your calendar and write yourself a series of reminder posts to pop up before other vacations/holidays - to help you plan ahead and keep focus.

Helen said...

Usually when we go camping, I plan and buy our food ahead of time...this time we took our camping "kitchen", but I didn't buy any food ahead of time since there was a grocery store just a mile and a half from where we were "camping". We actually ended up not ever even unpacking our camping kitchen (or our tent) for a variety of factors (rainy and muddy mostly and we had options, i.e., nearby motel and pre-set-up dome to sleep in).

So you are right, I did get that "way too many choices of what to eat and how to get it" feeling..."what in the whold wide world do I want to eat?" as you put it. Very very right.

I think I wasn't clear when talking about DB and me supporting each other -- I actually am pretty good WHEN AT HOME IN MY NORMAL ENVIRONMENT at being "good" when he is not. He can get away with it more and, while I am jealous, I am pretty used to that. I try to get a good feeling from my self-righteous "I'm eating better" place. ;-) The thing is that when we are BOTH on a slippery slope, we tend to pull each other down: "oh honey, if you want Foster Freeze, just go get it". :-(

I don't feel paralyzed right now, but I think I may have before...the scale yesterday was a HUGE wake-up call...and, yes, I am happy that it was far less than 100 lbs.

I've been thinking about what you said about self-sabotage...I guess that is kinda true (I did buy the ice cream with a "what the hell?" attitude after eating badly all day. I usually (for the past 16 years) am able to stop myself on a "bad" day...and not just "what the hell?" my way through, i.e., I already ate so badly what does 500 more ice cream calories and 80 g of carbs really matter? I don't know why I didn't stop on Monday. But the fact that I didn't scared me a lot...hopefully enough to hang tough while I get back on the wagon.

(I didn't eat all the B&Js..."just" half a pint...DB ate the rest yesterday while I was at work so, while that's not great for him, it's not around to tempt me anymore...not that I think it would.)

My knees actually felt BLOATED yesterday...unstable. Today, with 4.5 lbs of water weight gone, they are better. But I have a lot more to get rid of than I did just a month ago. :-( I am very disappointed in me. But I am with Yoga Lisa...I am going forward. I had the cleanest day yesterday that I have in months...I was perfect.

I will definitely think long and hard about this before our next vacation (anniversary trip end of next month) and MY next trip (to Minnesota over July 4 to visit a friend...who has a weight problem herself).

Vickie said...

loved all that you wrote in your comment. Seems like you have your head on straight (again, after it was on a bit sideways). And SERIOUSLY - write yourself a inspirational, you go girl, we are in this together, I am my own bet friend, I will get out of my own way post and set it to publish just before trips/holidays (like each one for the rest of the year). It will help keep you centered.

Vickie said...

I am my own BEST friend, or 'I am betting on me' I suppose too.

Bea said...

Oh Hon I get it. I have been out of control for a couple of years now. I figured out why. That helps. Hating myself (yourself) does not help but probably can't be stopped until we get control again. Always boils down to control doesn't it.

I agree with Vickie. Don't look back. You know how bad salt is for Us. Just a little religious humor there. Get control again and move forward.

The body image thing is relative. I have one friend who thinks I am OBESE and another one who thinks I am thinish. I got no clue.

First and foremost, take care of yourself. How many times am I going to have to tell you this (finger pointing at me) taco bell IS NOT SELF CARE. Cheers

Anne M. said...

You are not a very FAT girl; you are an out of control girl who ate things that were not healthy for you. Different stuff. The eating problems are the result of allowing yourself to get out of control. You know how to do this but maybe writing it down (not your food, but the steps you need to take) will help reinforce it until you re-remember it.

sharla said...

Helen, I'm so sorry about the loss of your uncle!

I'm sure he knew how much you cared for him!

Vickie said...

how goes today?