Friday, February 27, 2009

The War Metaphor

Or "Why Are Bad Things So Much Easier To Get Into Than Out Of?"

This morning after I weighed in (yuck), I was thinking of what to write today and, at the same time, I was listening to the President talk about how he plans to get us out of Iraq. A thought became very clear to me as I listened to his timetable and remembered his strong opposition to this horrible war: he wants the bad stuff to be over very much, but it can't happen in a day.

Of course, this reminded me of my current struggle to get back on the wagon as far as what I put in my mouth. I want this period of fatitude to be over very much, but it can't happen in a day. However, I have to start somewhere...and that's where President O is doing better than me. He's starting. I'm struggling.

It also occurred to me during the speech that it was oh-so-easy for our last administration to dive into this horrible war. No one stopped them. They had no shame. They wanted it and they got it. And we got the consequences.

This is very similar to the gain I've had over the past couple of months -- it was oh-so-easy for me to fall back into bad eating and drinking habits. No one stopped me (including me...the only one who CAN). I did (and do) have shame, but I wanted all that stuff I put in my mouth and I got it. And I got the consequences.

It seems like the war started very fast. So did my fall. And we were in deep. I was too. Now the country is faced with how to extricate itself from this abyss. And I'm faced with how to extricate myself from mine. Like going to war, gaining back the weight happened so much faster than taking it off will.

So...this is my own private war. And I have got to find the resolve to finish it.

Not sure if I've communicated my metaphor very well here, but this is what resonated with me today on the micro- and macro-levels.

I got back to better eating and all my usual exercise this week...and it did not make ANY difference. My weight this morning was virtually the same as last week when I ate like a pig and didn't exercise at all. What is that about?! IT SUCKS. Hard not to fall into hopeless-land with these facts...

DB has been gone in Nearby Town this week and that is never fun. He is coming back today (a day early -- yay! -- because 4 of his 5 sibs are up there right now) and I couldn't be happier. Well, I could be...if I felt skinnier which, of course, equals sexier in my head...

Tomorrow I am joining a new gym (I can't afford my old one anymore...went for the last time last night), then we are going to a performance by a friend who is a musician. Sunday I'm hopefully going to try to...rollerblade!! My assistant has been rollerblading to and from work lately and loving it and she has lost a noticeable amount of weight (she's 27, of course, but...). Yesterday she convinced me to try on her rollerblades and I agreed just to show her that I couldn't, NO WAY, even stand up in them. Surprise, surprise...I could! And I could get around without falling...on carpet. I think I'm ready to try something a little more roll-y. If I could find some exercise that I can do and LOVE (like yoga -- which I still can't do right now), that would be SO great. And where I live is PERFECT for rollerblading. But we'll see...

Wish me luck!! :-)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A giggle -- The Yearly Exam

Someone sent this to me and I relate!

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream. 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Addict's Mind a/k/a The Bright Side vs. The Dark Side

Weigh-in today was not pretty. And this was expected with NYC family fun and celebrations and NO gym all week while they were here (we did beach-walk some and biked one day). I have gained 10 pounds in the past MONTH. I have gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving. I'll let you do that math and see how close I am to the weight I was this time last year. And I'm sure you don't have to be told how this makes me feel. But I'll say it anyway: I feel like [insert word for the most nasty thing you can think of]. Yes, this blog today is interactive...must be the influence of kids with video games in our house this past week.

So...I've been thinking A LOT the past few days about Addict's Mind. I watched Sober House on the elliptical at the gym last night and I saw a lot of similarities in how the addicts on that show deal with their substances of choice and how I deal with mine. It popped into my mind that those of us who deal with Addict's Mind are constantly either looking on The Bright Side or The Dark Side. It's not a roller-coaster, it's a teeter-totter where stopping in the middle is nearly impossible. And we use those viewpoints to excuse our actions again and again and again. My Bright and Dark self-talk:

The Bright Side:
- It could be worse. You could weigh as much as [insert time when you weighed more than now]. At least you have clothes in your closet that still fit...[semi-]comfortably.
- You eat healthy...MOST of the time.
- You'll stop eating/drinking right after this weekend/this meal/this treat/this drink/this holiday/trip/long weekend/season.
- You know you can lose weight...after all didn't you do it last week/month/year?
- If you look just-so in the mirror, you don't look too bad.

The Dark Side:
- You weigh [insert huge number of pounds from 2 to 100] more than you did last week/month/year/in your late 30s and you are disgusting when you weigh more than your absolute lowest-ever weight (even if that was when you were 10 years old). You know you could weigh that again if you really tried.
- You suck because you don't really try.
- You never eat perfectly.
- You'll never weigh as little as you did [last week/month/year] because you're [hormonal/menopausal/hungry/depressed/incapable of overcoming your weight issues].

(And that's without even TRYING to think of a lot of examples...if I TRIED, I'll bet I could write all day.)

What I see from all this is excuses:
- It's not as bad as it was. Might as well have a bit of that donut. And that plate of pasta.
- You've been "good" all day/week/month, you deserve a treat once in a while, don't you?!
- Might as well enjoy this one "last" meal/day/weekend...better load up before you have to crack down.
- If you eat this "last" treat/meal/entire day's worth of food in one sitting, your "starting" weight will be elevated so it will look like you lost a lot your first your Addict's Mind.
- You already look (and feel) like [yuck]...who cares if you have a martini or two or a few beers?
- It's hopeless. Even when you deprive yourself, you gain/don't lose. So why not just be "happy" and eat that treat/meal?

Every single one of these statements above is something I've said to myself...most of them recently. Every single one of these statements, when I look at it in black-and-white and try to have a little distance, makes me want to cry and makes me feel even more hopeless...and there goes the vicious cycle again.

What is it about Addict's Mind that makes us use EVERYTHING as an excuse to use our substance of choice? I saw a guy on Sober House last night and it was pitiful how addicted he was. Everyone watching MUST see it. And then I substituted "chips and dip" or "cheese" or just plain "food" for "crack" or "heroin" or "cocaine" in the things he was saying and the behavior he was exhibiting. And it was uncomfortably familiar. The abdicating of responsibility for our addictive behavior. This guy actually got upset about a person calling him a "loser"...and used that as an excuse to go on an enormous drug binge (I missed the end of the show, but I think he ultimately had a heart attack...but I think survived). ONE WORD was all he needed for his excuse. that shocked me. But sometimes that's all I need it just that we are "too" sensitive?

And here I am, fairly self-aware, able to say all this stuff (which, frankly, I wouldn't have been able to do 10 years ago so I know that's progress)...and I still can't seem to overcome it. And, today, that is making me feel very very sad and hopeless and resentful.

Add to all this that DB and I had a conflict last night which I feel remains unresolved (at least for me)...and I know I'm the one who's going to have to ask for his help to get it resolved (i.e., I'll have to bring it up again)...and it's SO DAMN HARD to communicate sometimes even with someone you love with all your heart and who you normally can communicate with SO WELL...and so, yeah, I'm having a bad day. Or maybe just a day on The Dark Side.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Facing the Friday Weigh-In

As I was lying in bed this morning, all I could think about was how I DID NOT want to get on the scale this morning. I have been better with food this week, but there have been continuing, daily birthday and other celebrations and I feel chunky. But I reminded myself how vital it is for me to remain accountable. If I don't see the number, I can live in denial.

No denial this morning. I got on the scale even before going to the bathroom. And I am "down" over a pound this week. Due to my behavior this week, this is probably just a fluctuation, but it feels a lot better than fluctuating UP a pound. I'm still not happy with where I am...although remind myself that it's better than it was last year at this time...but at least it's not getting worse.

Talked about weight, etc. with my sister this morning...she's gained more than she would like recently too (although she's always been the skinny one in our family -- except for that brief, shining moment when she was 9 months pregnant with Muffin and I was at my skinniest). And DB and her hubby (Bro-In-Law) can just prance around declaring how much they weigh with no worries at all...while she and I hide the actual numbers from our life partners. How wacky is that? I know I've talked about it before, but it continues to amaze me just how different men deal with The Numbers than we do...

Yes, The NYC Family is here!! Yippeeee! Oh how I love Muffin and Jazz (nephew)!!! My heart just overflows when I look at them sometimes. :-) They arrived on Wednesday night and I've had to work since (although am taking off next Tuesday and Wednesday after the holiday to have fun with them). Last night we all played American Idol on their Wii (which they brought). Fun!! Not sure what is in store for my upcoming 5-day weekend, but I can't wait. We will have a ball! Even if it [sob] rains the whole time (which looks like a possibility, but we're not putting any energy there!).

We are having PD1's family (and hopefully PD2's family too) down to our house on Sunday to celebrate the birthdays of Princess (her b-day was yesterday) and Cry Baby (his is next Thursday -- oh yes, Aquarius-Are-Us!). That should be super fun. We sent Princess a video via her mother's Facebook yesterday and she just loved it (this is an awesome new feature I have with my new computer...sent Lori a message that way the other day too!).

Saw a doc this week about my numb foot (caused by ski inside of foot has been numb for over two weeks). Seems I damaged a nerve. It should regenerate in 2-6 months. And I'm lucky that the podiatrist I went to actually is way into skiing...he offered to help me fit my boot so this doesn't happen again. :-)

Hope everyone can enjoy the long weekend...I know I will!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Less germy

I'm less germy, but still SICK about my weight. And I didn't do well over the weekend although I did get to the gym on Saturday and walked quite a bit last night before spending even more calories helping DB to clean out his office/studio in anticipation of my NYC family's arrival on Wednesday.

Spent Saturday after gym in bed watching movies: The Visitor (very good), Ghost Town (cute) and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (predictable, but I love Michael Cera). Yesterday was very busy: birthday lunch with my mom at a cool British tearoom, shopping for grandkids' birthdays, beach walk, cleaning office/studio, etc. I fast-forwarded through the Grammys just to see the performances (really liked Coldplay...and I don't get Radiohead at all). Was up way too late and feel it today.

I'm feeling not-too-hopeful about doing well with food with the family here, but I will try.

AND it's raining in Cali...maybe all week. :-(

Friday, February 6, 2009

I'm sick

Yes, I do have a cough, sore throat and cold, but what I'm REALLY sick about is my weight. I have gained way too much over the past few months and it's REALLY depressing. :-(

Time to re-commit.

Not much more to say...I have continuing b-day festivities this weekend, but they will involve food and drink and that on top of feeling sick makes me feel...SICK.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

It's My Birthday And I'll Cough If I Want To

It's my wonderful absolutely fun fantastic birthday and...I feel like I'm getting sick. :-( I have been sick on a lot of birthdays since this is the season for colds, but it always sucks when it happens. I've been coughing all day and my nose is running and I'm sneezing. But I am DETERMINED not to let it stop my Birthday Fun! :-)

Last night when I got home, DB asked me how early I could leave from work today...he has a SURPRISE. So I came into the office early and am leaving at 5:30 when he comes to pick me up.

DB made me breakfast this morning (his idea) and that was sweet and fun (and healthy -- two eggs on toast). Then one of my best friends from college called me while I was driving to work and I got in a good long talk with him. Then two of my work colleagues took me to sushi lunch (healthy, except for the sodium and the green tea ice cream...). Dinner will be at a very cool modern Mexican restaurant downtown and then we are going to a show. :-)

Tomorrow night, I'll bake my famous birthday cake: German chocolate. Friday night we're having a small (for us -- about 12 or so people) dinner to celebrate both my and DB's birthdays. Saturday night probably going to my "twin"'s new house (she was born 23 hours before me!) to celebrate. Sunday brunch with my mom at a tea room. Monday birthday dinner with another friend. And next Wednesday: my sister and her family come to visit!!!! So a great Birthday Week is in store... :-)

To answer Vickie's question about my injury: I have hurt my right shoulder. It started with the two yoga classes I took two weeks ago. My arms were sooooo sore afterwards and I know it is because I hadn't done any real exercise with them for 6 months so they were weak. But I did down dogs and (the first class) some chattarangas. So my arms were hurting and weak after that. The Friday after that, I was going down on the floor at home to pick something up and used my right arm to ease myself down by putting it on the bed. THAT tweaked it something awful...could have been the angle, the weight on it and that it was still kind of traumatized from the yoga. Anyway, it's been hurting since. Skiing didn't bother it (don't use arm strength when skiing except to pole or to get up if you fall -- which I rarely do these days). But when we did our snowmobile ride, I was hanging on for dear life and that stressed it again. So I'm back to taking ibuprofen daily and hoping it will get better. I think it's a rotator thing because it's the same kind of pain DB had when he had his surgery in 2007. :-(

And, yes, I am very concerned with all the "new" yoga teachers there are in the world. I have been VERY lucky to have had some extremely good instruction from TRULY knowledgeable teachers. But SO MANY of the "new" ones just don't have the knowledge or experience or whatever to keep people from getting injured. Yoga is not "just stretching" as one truly clueless orthopedist once said to me! And, even if it were, it would be dangerous if you don't know what you are doing. I hear of so many people getting injured in yoga and I think it's because of inexperienced teachers lots of times...although in my current case I only blame me...I should have known better, but it's hard to modify a vinyasa when you can't do down dog or chattaranga. :-(

Happier, healthier days ahead...and Happy Birthday to ME! :-)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Yes, I'm baaack!

Helmets were required for practically every activity!!

Back and totally swamped with getting-back-to-work-and-life stuff...

Wish you were all on Facebook so you could have seen the photos and updates as we posted last week. I'll edit this in a minute to add a photo if I can find one.

Had a ball. We love that house in much that we (FOR FUN ONLY) looked at real estate there. It would be a DREAM to have a vacation home there...

We skied 5 days. I'm better and better every year...this year I even did one 2 1/2 mile run several times at the Sierra resort (which we ended up liking a lot...we skied at Heavenly too). We also took a snowmobile ride to the top of the mountain to see the Lake on our day "off". I hated the snowmobile (bumpy, noisy, scary), but the view was amazing and I am happy that we did it. We had a beautiful dinner on DB's birthday. Most other nights we just came home after skiing, jumped in the hot tub, had some beers and went to bed early. THAT, my friends, is vacation! ;-) Super relaxing...

I have no idea how I did with weight because no weighing on vacation. I overate and overdrank. I also exercised virtually every day. Maybe, if I'm lucky, that will balance out. I actually could tighten my ski belt one hole tighter at the end of the week...if that means anything. But it probably doesn't!! ;-)

We got home on Saturday night. Yesterday we slept in, went out for a nice walk to breakfast, went to a Super Bowl/housewarming party at our new neighbor's, then to see Phantom of the Opera (one of my gifts to DB for his birthday was these tickets -- he loves the show and I never saw it before -- LOVED IT!!! -- I cried!!).

Now back to work...and jumping into more b-day festivities. My b-day is Wednesday and we're having a get-together on Friday...among other things!!!!

Hope everyone is well...looking forward to catching up soon...