Last night (when it was too late to blog), I sent myself an e-mail that said "being anything but the fat girl is just an illusion". Needless to say, I was feeling (and still am) pretty low. Here's what happened:
We went out last night with Yoga Friend (one of my very best friends) for dinner and had a great time. After we all came back to my house, we were sitting and chatting and she decided to tell a story of how I had inspired her. Back in 2003 when we had first really met at a yoga retreat she was apparently so knocked out to see me put on a bathing suit and get in the pool in front of everyone and laugh and have a good time. She was inspired to be that carefree about getting in a bathing suit too. I asked her, "why? because I was so fat?". She stammered, "uh, no, because your body wasn't perfect and my body wasn't perfect...". Right. She is 60, but has a perfect body. I told her this was a pretty hurty thing to say...and in front of DB too! What a MORON. I had to get out of the room and cry a little in the yard. The evening was quickly over after that.
The worst part about this is that at that time in 2003, I was at my most yoga-fit-toned-healthy state. I wasn't at my lowest weight, but definitely looked my absolute BEST in my opinion. And that was 20 pounds ago. :-( And 20 pounds ago, she thought I was so hideous that I somehow should be embarrassed about putting on a bathing suit in public. I can't help but wonder what she thinks now...
I am so very VERY hurt by this unexpected slam, that I don't really know how our friendship can ever be the same. You see, now I know that she sees me as "the fat friend". And, because I struggle so hard and feel so badly about possibly being that (even when I'm not), that is something I just can't KNOW FOR SURE that someone thinks about me...it's too deep and hurtful. Of course, I'm afraid that is how everyone sees me...as only The Fat. Being proved right by a dear friend just...brings me to tears.
I am so insecure about this, that I can't even talk with DB about it. I'm glad I can write here...hopefully will help me forget...a little.