Monday, December 8, 2008

My Friday post on Monday

Clearly, the weekend got away from me and I had no time to post my extended Friday blog. Like I said, holidays are fun, but tiring:

Friday night we had a friend over for a bit then we went out to dinner and fairly early to bed because Saturday I had to get to the gym, pick up my mom and take her to a two-hour eye doctor appointment (everything is ok, but the actual time out of my day was about 3 1/2 hours), get ready for a performance of The Christmas Carol at a local theatre group in a town that is part of L.A. that I had never been to (cute), then go to other friends' house to finish the night closing down their holiday party. We went to bed at 2. Got up around 10 yesterday so we could do our usual Sunday "rut" (walk down the beach for coffee and breakfast sandwich) before gym and more festivities! A friend of mine had a ladies' tea at an authentic British tearoom and it was really fun -- even though I didn't know anyone there except the hostess, all 10 of the women were really nice and interesting. I wondered if 10 men who didn't know each other could have chatted so comfortably. I ordered a lot less to eat than most (small sandwich with a little cheese and Branston pickles, salad, one small scone) and didn't leave feeling too stuffed. Small victories...

DB had to leave at 4:45 this morning for an overnight business trip. After he left, I had nightmares for the rest of my "night"'s sleep. I think I catastrophize more when he's gone and it bleeds over into my sleep. Not fun. for the Friday post:

I am NOT happy with being up 3 1/2 pounds in the two weeks with Thanksgiving in the middle. I am NOT happy that I drank beer virtually every night last week (I didn't mean that to sound like a diet tip -- I am working on really balancing much less food when I choose to drink). But I guess I AM happy that it's not worse. But it's a kind of resigned happy. Not REAL happy. I hope and plan to do better this week.

I AM so very happy in virtually every other area of my life. I have actually never BEEN happier. But the ONE THING that is making my life not perfect is my weight. I actually was wondering last week when I was sabotaging myself with yet another beer if I was doing this on purpose so I had SOMETHING that wasn't really great in my life. That sounds SO sick. I know I am not doing that consciously, but it sure looks to me like what I am doing anyway. I have started to think about going back to therapy, but really what I know I have to do is buckle down (again) and make overeating NOT AN OPTION (again).

The mechanics of losing weight are no mystery. The workings of my mind when it comes to my behavior are a little bit more of one.

I have thought about, worked on, lived with, cried over, and suffered through my weight problem for (literally) my whole life. I am certain that my metabolism has been damaged by the fluctuations in my weight. This makes me mad (oh oh, am I finally becoming an Angry Fat Girl?!)...I'm mad that I cannot eat as I see/perceive others do and maintain a lower weight....I'm mad that I somehow have still not really dealt with whatever it is that makes the weight haunt me so.

No answers today...just questions...and more holiday to-dos coming...

At least I plan to be "good" this week. Or maybe I should just say "today". One day at a time.


Vickie said...

I have several thoughts -
the first one is that I think most all of US should be in therapy. Even if we have been before - because if we are truly working on things - progressing - then we will hit new areas and need someone to help us define and find the edges.

the second one is - and I apologize in advance if I misunderstood what you said -
if you are limiting calories to start with - in comparison to eating whatever you want - and of course you are - so am I - I think you have to be very careful to be sure you are getting all your nutrition. SO, if you are further reducing nutrition to make room for alcohol calories - it sends up a red flag in my mind. Like - what are you doing to your nutrition and how can alcohol be more important than FOOD? Someone else might think - good for Helen - she is thinking about how she is spending her calories and planning ahead - but I have to say - I really wonder about this - ???

I also think you are wise to pay attention to 3+ pounds up. someone else might say - it is the holidays - live a little. And I think you are wise to look for ways to live a little without having the scale go up. I totally get that 3 turns into 5 and then it is 10 and then on up it goes - we have all done it. Don't beat yourself up over what is done - just shake it off and move forward.

I was thinking about the fact that I go through the same 'they might be dead in the ditch' thinking when ever someone at my house is gone.

I don't think it causes me anxiety - I might be all wrong about that and it is already on the list for my therapist.

What I THINK that I do is just recognize that things happen and that I will deal with whatever I have to deal with. Mine is much, much better as kids are older. There is probably more risk now - but it bothers me less.

When you write - it sounds as if it causes you a great deal of pain. Don't know if it is fear of being left, loss. Or it is perhaps generalized anxiety that perhaps pops out that way?

Helen said...

I agree with most, if not all, of what you say, Vic.

My last round of therapy was SO beneficial, SO life-changing that it changed my outlook of therapy completely (before I had had mixed results). I absolutely LOVED my therapist. If I ever went back I would definitely want it to be with her if at all possible. But she has left town...and I'm not sure if she would do phoners with me. This is something I need to think about more and address probably early in the New Year (which is when I started up my last round with her, funnily enough, about 6 or so years ago).

The booze is definitely an issue. I know it. I have written about it. I struggle with it like I struggle with food. It's a crutch, a treat. There is definitely something nutritional that I skip in my diet when I drink and am watching my weight (when am I not?!) -- usually other carbs, sometimes protein. I appreciate your noticing and realizing that this is something I need to deal with. I know it.

The catastrophizing I do when DB is gone goes beyond my fear that something will happen to him. I am afraid there will be an earthquake or resulting tsumnami (there or here -- there have been some predictions about this week that I'm trying to forget). I am afraid of some other horrible thing that might happen and we would be apart. Somehow I feel like I would be better able to deal if we were together. It's weird (and I talk with DB about it, of course), but I was single for so much of my life and this stuff never bugged me like it does now. Maybe it's because I have something so precious and I am afraid I'll lose it...

Thanks for reading and your thoughtful response. :-) Now off to make my evening salad... :-)

Vickie said...

I hadn't thought about how being in catastrophe central would add to this feeling/inclination!!! There it is not an irrational fear - it is knowing that things
DO happen. And I can see that being separated adds to this - because when it happens getting around IS hard - sometimes for long stretches.

Vickie said...

Have you looked up the definition of alcoholism to see if you fit or not? I have no idea - it is not a loaded question. I don't know where the line is between social and addiction. It might be very valuable information to KNOW - since you have history with food and cigarettes. things so easily turn into a compulsion with me that I LOOK for those kinds of trends all the time. Oldest and I talked a lot about this - he choses not to drink - at all - since there is family history on both sides and he favors 'habits' also. He decided it was opening himself up to TOO BIG of an un-necessary risk.

Vickie said...

my therapist has a book - for example - she read the definition - criteria of narcissistic to see if that really is where my dad fits. It was IT exactly.

And it was an eye opener - because it also fit several other men on my mom's side and one person on my husband's side.

It was a list of 10 or so traits - and if someone was 7 out of 10 then they were indeed narcissistic.

In this case - they all were 9 out of 10.

I can't tell you how helpful that little book is in helping me figure out the edges of myself. And to look at the behaviours of others and realize - that is X behavior and I can't use that as a guideline because that person has their own challenges. Or that person is beyond 'fix' and I need to just walk away.

I think that was why I wondered if you had ever looked up alcohol. I have to be SO careful what things I let become habits - one rootbeer float becomes several a day - every day. . .in the blink of an eye.

When we look things up in that book about ME - I take them as helpful information. Sormthing to help define the edges. But perhaps you do not. Sorry if I offended. It occurred to me that maybe I did. . .

Resolute said...

I go through pretty much the same situation, and lately wonder whether everything could be as simple as plain ol' boredom? When DB is not around and life is not at a certain frequency? The music is not playing and you have to listen to your own thinking? Lots of time to create shadows out of the darker sides of ourselves? I seem to recall when you were working on your holiday to Mexico the gung-ho created normal out of the drastic. Perhaps a new and similar, different objective is needed, i.e. carving a non-negotiable path of purpose to an exciting objective for you?