Clearly, the weekend got away from me and I had no time to post my extended Friday blog. Like I said, holidays are fun, but tiring:
Friday night we had a friend over for a bit then we went out to dinner and fairly early to bed because Saturday I had to get to the gym, pick up my mom and take her to a two-hour eye doctor appointment (everything is ok, but the actual time out of my day was about 3 1/2 hours), get ready for a performance of The Christmas Carol at a local theatre group in a town that is part of L.A. that I had never been to (cute), then go to other friends' house to finish the night closing down their holiday party. We went to bed at 2. Got up around 10 yesterday so we could do our usual Sunday "rut" (walk down the beach for coffee and breakfast sandwich) before gym and more festivities! A friend of mine had a ladies' tea at an authentic British tearoom and it was really fun -- even though I didn't know anyone there except the hostess, all 10 of the women were really nice and interesting. I wondered if 10 men who didn't know each other could have chatted so comfortably. I ordered a lot less to eat than most (small sandwich with a little cheese and Branston pickles, salad, one small scone) and didn't leave feeling too stuffed. Small victories...
DB had to leave at 4:45 this morning for an overnight business trip. After he left, I had nightmares for the rest of my "night"'s sleep. I think I catastrophize more when he's gone and it bleeds over into my sleep. Not fun.
OK...now for the Friday post:
I am NOT happy with being up 3 1/2 pounds in the two weeks with Thanksgiving in the middle. I am NOT happy that I drank beer virtually every night last week (I didn't mean that to sound like a diet tip -- I am working on really balancing much less food when I choose to drink). But I guess I AM happy that it's not worse. But it's a kind of resigned happy. Not REAL happy. I hope and plan to do better this week.
I AM so very happy in virtually every other area of my life. I have actually never BEEN happier. But the ONE THING that is making my life not perfect is my weight. I actually was wondering last week when I was sabotaging myself with yet another beer if I was doing this on purpose so I had SOMETHING that wasn't really great in my life. That sounds SO sick. I know I am not doing that consciously, but it sure looks to me like what I am doing anyway. I have started to think about going back to therapy, but really what I know I have to do is buckle down (again) and make overeating NOT AN OPTION (again).
The mechanics of losing weight are no mystery. The workings of my mind when it comes to my behavior are a little bit more of one.
I have thought about, worked on, lived with, cried over, and suffered through my weight problem for (literally) my whole life. I am certain that my metabolism has been damaged by the fluctuations in my weight. This makes me mad (oh oh, am I finally becoming an Angry Fat Girl?!)...I'm mad that I cannot eat as I see/perceive others do and maintain a lower weight....I'm mad that I somehow have still not really dealt with whatever it is that makes the weight haunt me so.
No answers today...just questions...and more holiday to-dos coming...
At least I plan to be "good" this week. Or maybe I should just say "today". One day at a time.