Weight down quite a bit this week

So even though I wasn't perfect, PAYING ATTENTION and GETTING BACK TO NORMAL HOME FOOD had an effect. Clothes already feel better...although I still can't stand to see myself in the mirror at the gym. Yuck. The next few days are going to be difficult with Funeral/Irish Family Wake eating. But if I can just PAY ATTENTION and play with kids and take some walks and maybe swim a little at the motel I hope to be OK. When we're back on Tuesday night, I'll get right back on it.

Getting ready to go celebrate a life

We're leaving tomorrow for Nearby Town for the Irish wake/life-celebration festivities. We'll be gone until Monday (the funeral is Monday). I'm a little worried -- have been doing really well with food and exercise this week, but there will be no gym for me up there (maybe pool if it's warm enough) and I can't go to yoga still and I know the Irish wake food and drink is NOT healthy from when we did this last summer. I will try for moderation...but mostly I will enjoy being with my family and celebrating the matriarch.

Thank you to everyone who expressed condolences...DB and I really appreciate you so much!

A life-changing day

DB's mom died today. All bets are off for a while.

I celebrate Loree...her dreams made so many of my loved ones reality.

Sending love to her as she is free.... :-)

Today starts The Crackdown

No more excuses...today is the first day of The New Drastic a/k/a The Crackdown.

I know what I have to do...I just have been having a helluva time DOing it. But today that all changes. I may not know how to do this forever, but I will do The Crackdown until I get to the point where I start to figure out The Maintenance...again. And then I'll do that. It may (and probably will) take me the rest of my life. I don't love that idea, but I clearly don't have a choice...I must keep up The War (see post two weeks ago)...at least for now.

This weekend was very so-so...but I did TRY (and DB is trying too). I didn't have time to go to the gym yesterday so I will go tonight (usually "off" night).

We took Princess for a little shopping yesterday -- we wanted to reward her for some recent improvements at school without FOOD. As soon as we got into the car, the first thing she said was "can we get a snack?". Sigh. I told her that I forget about being hungry when I'm shopping and said we should see if maybe that would work for her too. It did. But as soon as we were finished shopping, she started talking about how hungry she was. Not hungry enough to eat an apple or even frozen yogurt (which we figured would be ok for her)...she wanted a burger. We didn't get it for her. We went to Starbucks to get a small snack and she chose chocolate milk...maybe not perfect, but at least not a burger from Wendy's!

I have NO idea how to help Princess and that makes me feel so bad. I so don't want her to have to fight The War like I have for my whole life. But I don't know how to help me so I don't know how to help her. It sucks. It breaks my heart. Maybe I'm overreacting because I sympathize so much...or not.

Tried to talk with DB about some stuff about food yesterday so he understands that what works for him might not work for me and vice versa, but that was a disaster. Although he has not had to fight his weight for his whole life like I have, he is certain that he knows all the answers about how to lose successfully (uh, yeah right...). I know what works for me...while I am struggling right now with a relatively minor gain, I've kept off nearly 100 pounds for almost 15 years...I don't presume to tell him what will work for him (he would disagree with this, by the way!) but I admit I DO suggest things that have worked for me. He says he wants to lose 30 pounds (which, in my opinion will make him too skinny, but that's up to him)...we'll see. At any rate, it's good to have him focusing on health too...it might make things easier for me if he's not ordering the cream and nut-filled entrees for dinner (like he was looking at last night)!! ;-)

The Weight is SUCH a fraught topic for me...it's hard to talk about with DB...but I am trying.

Thanks to all of your for your comments on Friday...I was in a very dark place...but maybe it's darkest before the dawn, ya think? :-)

This morning I cried

I am so depressed. My weight is up again this week. And I really TRULY did not overdo. And I went to the gym my allotted 4 times. AND did a bike ride on Saturday with short beach walks Saturday and Sunday. Now, I was NOT perfect, but I was what I would consider to be "normal". OK, I can think of two times (chips on Saturday night and crackers on Wednesday night) that I overdid. But that just doesn't seem to be enough for me to deserve this.

My clothes are tight (although oddly feel and look ok to me today). I feel an uncomfortable jiggle. I have gained back almost all that I lost last year in just a couple of months. It is horrifying how fast that happened. And, I must admit, I am angry.

I am angry at me for letting this happen. Despite the fact that I am CLEARLY not "normal" when it comes to metabolism, I could have deprived myself. I could have said "no" to birthday cake and Xmas fun and vacation drinking. I could have. But I didn't.

I am angry that I have to watch almost everyone I know eat "normally" and not exercise and they do not gain weight. Ever. Today I feel mad at these people even though I know it's not their fault.

I am angry that my lot in life appears to be to have to fight this battle FOREVER. I don't want to have to watch every morsel that goes in my mouth. I don't want to have to live on The Drastic forever. While it's not a bad way to live for a short time, the idea of that as a perpetual way to live just is way too depressing. I love food and drink too much. I can't think of anything to replace their place in my life (sad, but true).

[An aside: PD1 told DB that the only thing that seems to motivate Princess to do anything is food. No negative grounding or anything works. But offering food as a reward does. This scares me so much for her. She is getting set up for a lifetime of the pain I'm feeling today. I wish I knew how to help fix this. It makes me want to cry more.]

I feel alone. This morning I tried to bring this up with DB but he cut me off when I said "you wanna know what's depressing me today?". When I called to his attention that he shut me down, he tried to make me tell him, but it was too late. It's my problem, true. I will handle it. But it hurts me when he cuts me off like that. (By the way, he just called as I was typing this to apologize. He's a sweetheart.)

I am not stupid. I know what I have to do to lose this weight. Again. But right now it's just depressing that I have to GIVE UP so much in order to get that. I am feeling like this part of my life is pretty unfair right now.

And I'm facing a weekend of social activities that mean food and drinking. I don't want to give that up and I don't want to sit there and drink water and eat celery while everyone else drinks beer and eats chips and pizza. Yes, I know it's MAYBE not that drastic but it feels that way to me today.

Why bother to "suffer" and lose to just gain it back when I act like a normal person for a few months? :-(

The problem is that I do not feel comfortable at this weight. But, right now, I am feeling pretty hopeless as to how to fix it for the long-term. And there is no point in yo-yo-ing in the short term. What I need is a long-term solution that doesn't make me feel too mad or deprived or sad or resentful. I had that long-term thing worked out for a long time -- over 10 years. Something changed...my body? I think that's a lot of it. It's why I see so many of us at our age here railing against what is happening with our bodies.

Right now I'm also not able to exercise to my fullest because of babying my arm. This means NO arm exercises, no yoga classes, limitations on certain other machines at my gym. This is not the reason though because I maintained last year for a LONG time when my arm was hurt.

While I think I am really watching what I eat and drink and am certainly exercising, I guess I'm just overdoing on what goes in my mouth. And it doesn't really feel like that. Except on Fridays when I get on the scale and feel like crying.

Here's what The Universe said today...for once, I am not feeling my positive self and am having a hard time believing it, but something in it makes me think it's important for me to listen:

Oh yeah, regarding your ancient spiritual contracts, Helen, that outlined every facet of the life you now lead? Well, just wanted to remind you that they're all re-written every dawn, and perpetually updated as each day unfolds.

Proving yet again that nothing is meant to be, that you are truly unlimited, and that anything can happen next, if you choose it.

Whooohooooo!
The Universe

The Week before The Weigh

It's been a really fun week...but has it been a good week for my weight? I'm afraid the answer tomorrow morning will be "no", so I'm going to write happy things today and just report the sad facts tomorrow.

Monday night we went to our monthly local "experimental" theatre experience with our friends (and The Good One who was visiting us for a few days). I didn't eat dinner before but had a martini. Afterwards I was famished but I made sure we went to a restaurant that had relatively healthy choices instead of Mexican (where we ended up late on Saturday night...ugh). I had a beer and some sushi. Not too bad, but I know the alcohol calories really add up...

Tuesday I ate great during the day and then went to New Gym for elliptical and weights. While I love the ab machine there (I really felt my abs a lot after the weekend), it seems to irritate my shoulder because of how you hold your arms so I am going to have to give it up and do sit-ups on the slanted bench instead until I feel like my shoulder is really better. I am trying really hard not to have to go to the doctor or get surgery. The New Gym is very very crowded and the equipment is very very old next to my old gym, but for the savings I will deal. :-)

When I got home Tuesday night, DB wanted to take me to dinner to celebrate the progress he has been making turning his office into a music studio/office. So we went to our "local" (behind our house, has great Happy Hour cheap food) and had sushi (again) and I had cucumber salad. And a martini (we've convinced ourselves that martinis are less calories than beer...yes, we're both worried about our beer bellies or "beer babies" as I call them!).

Last night was the first night of our subscription to the Mark Taper Forum (famous professional theatre downtown LA) that DB got for me for my birthday. This is SUCH a fantastic gift!! Every other month through next January, we have a play. DB picks me up at my office early and we head to a beautiful and yummy restaurant downtown. We have dinner and then the restaurant shuttles us to the theatre (and back after the show). We found out last night that we also get 15% off our meal since we are subscribers...great! I had two martinis, 1/2 ceviche for appetizer, a seafood stew thing (light) for main course. All in all did well...except for the yummy crackers they put on the table. Oh well. Anyway, I love going downtown...it feels like a real "New Yorky" night out on the town.

The performance last night was Pippin and I was so excited to see it! My college did it during my freshman year. I'm not a singer so I wasn't in this one, but a lot of my friends were and I just loved that show. I know all the songs by heart, but I don't think I've seen it since then. I thought this production was uneven (some great stuff, some not-so-great), but DB thought it was one of the best he's ever seen. It was produced with a deaf theatre company and the signing was incorporated into the show in an amazing unobtrusive way (even though there were actually two Pippins on stage -- the deaf one and the talking/singing one -- and several other deaf actors who had to have others speak for them). I loved the concept and several of the performances. What I didn't love was that there was no intermission and the seats in this theatre are WAY too close together so my knees were all scrunched up for over 2 hours...OUCH. I'm still hurting today from that. I hope there are intermissions for the rest of the shows! ;-)

We were so jazzed from the performance that we went to sleep very late last night. After we watched American Idol (on fast forward...what the hell are they thinking bringing that obnoxious Tatiana back?!), I kept singing the songs in bed even after we turned out the light. DB was amused...for a while! ;-)

DB brought me to work this morning since I had left my car here...I really like this part of these "dates"...fun and different and it lasts until the next day! Did I mention how much I love this birthday gift?! :-)

Today I've been perfect (as I usually am during the day on the workweek). Tonight going to the gym and salad at home for dinner. This weekend we have more social occasions so more food/drink challenges. It's never-ending...

And Fridays come awfully fast...and I am feeling uncomfortable in my clothes and out of them. :-(

Still in one piece

Don't worry, all...I didn't not attempt rollerblading yesterday. NOT because I think I can't do it or might hurt myself, but because my knees were a little over-tired from gymming at the new place (amazing how different gyms machines impact the body differently!) and then a long beach bike ride on Saturday. Yes, my eastern friends, it was a beautiful weekend. (But I am jealous of your snow...wish I could go ski, but can't afford any more this year.)

But I will be blading soon...and I will be super-careful, don't worry!!

So I did well with food this weekend and particularly exercise (2 times at new gym). Now if only my shoulder pain would go away...then I can hit yoga at the new gym (it's included in my $30/month -- down from $130/month!). :-)