Friday, March 6, 2009

This morning I cried

I am so depressed. My weight is up again this week. And I really TRULY did not overdo. And I went to the gym my allotted 4 times. AND did a bike ride on Saturday with short beach walks Saturday and Sunday. Now, I was NOT perfect, but I was what I would consider to be "normal". OK, I can think of two times (chips on Saturday night and crackers on Wednesday night) that I overdid. But that just doesn't seem to be enough for me to deserve this.

My clothes are tight (although oddly feel and look ok to me today). I feel an uncomfortable jiggle. I have gained back almost all that I lost last year in just a couple of months. It is horrifying how fast that happened. And, I must admit, I am angry.

I am angry at me for letting this happen. Despite the fact that I am CLEARLY not "normal" when it comes to metabolism, I could have deprived myself. I could have said "no" to birthday cake and Xmas fun and vacation drinking. I could have. But I didn't.

I am angry that I have to watch almost everyone I know eat "normally" and not exercise and they do not gain weight. Ever. Today I feel mad at these people even though I know it's not their fault.

I am angry that my lot in life appears to be to have to fight this battle FOREVER. I don't want to have to watch every morsel that goes in my mouth. I don't want to have to live on The Drastic forever. While it's not a bad way to live for a short time, the idea of that as a perpetual way to live just is way too depressing. I love food and drink too much. I can't think of anything to replace their place in my life (sad, but true).

[An aside: PD1 told DB that the only thing that seems to motivate Princess to do anything is food. No negative grounding or anything works. But offering food as a reward does. This scares me so much for her. She is getting set up for a lifetime of the pain I'm feeling today. I wish I knew how to help fix this. It makes me want to cry more.]

I feel alone. This morning I tried to bring this up with DB but he cut me off when I said "you wanna know what's depressing me today?". When I called to his attention that he shut me down, he tried to make me tell him, but it was too late. It's my problem, true. I will handle it. But it hurts me when he cuts me off like that. (By the way, he just called as I was typing this to apologize. He's a sweetheart.)

I am not stupid. I know what I have to do to lose this weight. Again. But right now it's just depressing that I have to GIVE UP so much in order to get that. I am feeling like this part of my life is pretty unfair right now.

And I'm facing a weekend of social activities that mean food and drinking. I don't want to give that up and I don't want to sit there and drink water and eat celery while everyone else drinks beer and eats chips and pizza. Yes, I know it's MAYBE not that drastic but it feels that way to me today.

Why bother to "suffer" and lose to just gain it back when I act like a normal person for a few months? :-(

The problem is that I do not feel comfortable at this weight. But, right now, I am feeling pretty hopeless as to how to fix it for the long-term. And there is no point in yo-yo-ing in the short term. What I need is a long-term solution that doesn't make me feel too mad or deprived or sad or resentful. I had that long-term thing worked out for a long time -- over 10 years. Something body? I think that's a lot of it. It's why I see so many of us at our age here railing against what is happening with our bodies.

Right now I'm also not able to exercise to my fullest because of babying my arm. This means NO arm exercises, no yoga classes, limitations on certain other machines at my gym. This is not the reason though because I maintained last year for a LONG time when my arm was hurt.

While I think I am really watching what I eat and drink and am certainly exercising, I guess I'm just overdoing on what goes in my mouth. And it doesn't really feel like that. Except on Fridays when I get on the scale and feel like crying.

Here's what The Universe said today...for once, I am not feeling my positive self and am having a hard time believing it, but something in it makes me think it's important for me to listen:

Oh yeah, regarding your ancient spiritual contracts, Helen, that outlined every facet of the life you now lead? Well, just wanted to remind you that they're all re-written every dawn, and perpetually updated as each day unfolds.

Proving yet again that nothing is meant to be, that you are truly unlimited, and that anything can happen next, if you choose it.

The Universe


Cindy...154 said...

I am up a couple pounds, too and that being on top of being up anyway. From my lowest I am up a whopping 14 pounds, even though I never maintained my lowest more than a day or two. From my comfort zone I am up 7 pounds. . . Yes, I am pissed at me. But I am forgiving me and moving on. Seeing what foods I can do without and taking it a meal at a time. If I get too pissed at me I may eat a gallon of ice cream in complete rebellion!! that's how my mind works. Hang in there. You are not alone!!! I have been reading my old posts and it is helping me.

Laura N said...

Can I just copy & paste your post into my blog? Other than my weight not coming from happy, fun times, I'm pretty much in the same place as you. And I'm up about 12 pounds from my lowest, too, and my jeans just barely buttoned this morning. Yet, I feel so HELPLESS. Which is stupid b/c I know what to do--but I have absolutely nothing in me right now to do what it takes. I couldn't even make myself run yesterday when it was 65 & perfect running weather. I keep thinking these "I'll just give up" thoughts. "I'll just go buy bigger clothes, I'll just not run the half in May, I'll just say f**k it because I'm doomed to gain it all back anyway." This is seriously messed up thinking. I just don't know how to stop it.

You are not alone. You are so not alone. But I know what you mean---it feels like you are alone when you are standing on your scale in disbelief at how damn fast the weight can come back on (I gained the 5 pounds I lost on the Crack diet IN ONE WEEKEND). And this week's food porn has put on another 2-3 pounds.

In the words of my 7 year old--"It's not fair." I'm going to pout a while longer, I think, but I'm going to have to find the mojo somehow, somewhere.

I loved your universe's comments today.

I'm here for you, sister. Even if it's only misery loves company, I'm here for you.

Vickie said...

I have no words of help - just comfort - hugs - because I am not socially based.

And from the outside - that looks like your issue. It is not lack of knowledge or exercise or willingness. It is dealing with too many calories in an away from home food setting. Where you are making the best choices possible - but it is never going to be the same as eating from home.

So I have no idea how to cope/have all kinds of life events centered on outside food/drink. You are very social by nature - and you live that type of life style - and I just don't have any ideas/experience.

I am trying to think if there are any (steady) maintainer bloggers that live that way - so you could read their blogs. And no one is coming to mind. Maybe someone else will see this and think of someone.

Your granddaughter food reward thing made me remember Rosanne Barr saying that was how she was raised - food to keep her quiet, food to reward, food to calm, food to bribe, every single thing was food based.

That interview is probably out there on UTube or somewhere else on the web.

I think that she worked it into an episode of her show too. specifically talking about the fact that her parents methods of handling food - set up much of her later dependency/addiction problems. I don't think she was playing the blame game - I think she was talking true fact - Pavlov's dogs.

It is an easy answer for parents - because it is so handy, simple, effective. I think this is especially true of parents that have unacknowledged problems of their own. And I don't think these have to be food problems - any type of coping, maturity issue is going to manifest itself in these type of parenting issues.

I find myself starting to do it as comfort - all the time - and having to step back from it. I see it - because I look - and that is the problem - most people do not look - they just do what they have always done - with really no thought at all.

And I can well imagine that this is VERY upsetting for you. It would be for me too.

I was just thinking about this very thing as I was driving home today.

Middle child has to fast for blood work once a month.

We drop the high school carpool off, run to lab, and then take her back to school. We stop after the lab and get a cheese bagel because the lab and the bagel place are right by each other. cheese bagels are not every day food at our house - and we are talking about the middle child who talks about ice cream as if it is her personal friend.

And I was thinking - is this good - once a month? or really bad - linking events and food - linking places and food - linking 'poor me' (getting stuck) and food.

I could see it as 'teaching moderation'.

I could also hear Pavlov's dogs barking.

I had the 'just get it off of me' feeling all the way down the scale - ask Laura or Lori - they could literally hear me wailing to get it off - all the way down. And I have never known if that was good or bad. I have heard other maintainers say the same thing - and I have heard some say that it is one thing that we have in common. so it might be that your wailing feelings - are actually good in a backwards kind of way. If you figure out how to turn it into empowerment instead of 'why me?'

And here - everyone that I know that is thin - WORKS for their thin - but that might be a factor of where I am - having to find exercise during the winter months, having to make strong decisions about food, etc. And I don't think that anyone here is as social as California. I am sure most here are more social than I am - but not like where you are.

I will tell you that when we talk about all these same things in my yoga or pilates or free weights classes - those people eat pretty much as I do - we talk about the restaurant foods that ASSALT - and how quickly pounds can fly on with that type of food. 5-9 pounds flies on little tiny fit bodies in no time at all. My mom, my pilates instructor, my hair cut lady all come to mind - no body fat - and somehow they still gain VERY FAST. And they have good metabolisms.

is it possible that you have a 'the grass is always greener' thing going on in your mind?

And I am very sorry that you are hurting - it sucks to feel that way - hugs.

Vickie said...

this might not be the popular thing to say - but when was the last time you logged your food and took a look at the totals and the percentages?

I have a vague idea that you don't do this anymore (I don't) but maybe I am wrong.

Because time and time again - in blog land - when someone writes a post like you just did - another one comes along where they take a good hard look and are surprised.

I don't know HOW you would do this accurately with away from home food - and yes, I see the irony in that. . .

Anonymous said...

Oh Helen - I can hear your hurt and frustration, the anger and disappointment and fear. Laura said she could paste this whole thing into her blog and I know I could post it into mine, just increasing the pounds gained exponentially.

It's very very hard to be a social person, to "live normally" and keep the weight off. You live a busy, varied active life and that means that predictable routines are pretty much out the window. I totally get that.

Vickie's question about logging food is a good one. I'm trying to get back into at least writing down whatever I eat each day, without sweating over the food values or amounts. I always find it eye opening.

Try separating out just journaling from the need to follow a specific tight food plan. You can do that later if you want to. This is just a research phase.

(((( big hugs )))) I'll be thinking of you.

TinaMiller said...

I know how you feel!!! ugh!!! I could cry every morning- as if this journey of ours isnt frustrating and exhausting as it is - and then to have times where we gain....but dont give up! We must never give up! We will win! You are an awesome person and enjoy reading your blogs. keep your chin up.

LG said...

Actually instead of pasting it in my blog, I think I just acted it out all weekend. :-(