I am so depressed. My weight is up again this week. And I really TRULY did not overdo. And I went to the gym my allotted 4 times. AND did a bike ride on Saturday with short beach walks Saturday and Sunday. Now, I was NOT perfect, but I was what I would consider to be "normal". OK, I can think of two times (chips on Saturday night and crackers on Wednesday night) that I overdid. But that just doesn't seem to be enough for me to deserve this.
My clothes are tight (although oddly feel and look ok to me today). I feel an uncomfortable jiggle. I have gained back almost all that I lost last year in just a couple of months. It is horrifying how fast that happened. And, I must admit, I am angry.
I am angry at me for letting this happen. Despite the fact that I am CLEARLY not "normal" when it comes to metabolism, I could have deprived myself. I could have said "no" to birthday cake and Xmas fun and vacation drinking. I could have. But I didn't.
I am angry that I have to watch almost everyone I know eat "normally" and not exercise and they do not gain weight. Ever. Today I feel mad at these people even though I know it's not their fault.
I am angry that my lot in life appears to be to have to fight this battle FOREVER. I don't want to have to watch every morsel that goes in my mouth. I don't want to have to live on The Drastic forever. While it's not a bad way to live for a short time, the idea of that as a perpetual way to live just is way too depressing. I love food and drink too much. I can't think of anything to replace their place in my life (sad, but true).
[An aside: PD1 told DB that the only thing that seems to motivate Princess to do anything is food. No negative grounding or anything works. But offering food as a reward does. This scares me so much for her. She is getting set up for a lifetime of the pain I'm feeling today. I wish I knew how to help fix this. It makes me want to cry more.]
I feel alone. This morning I tried to bring this up with DB but he cut me off when I said "you wanna know what's depressing me today?". When I called to his attention that he shut me down, he tried to make me tell him, but it was too late. It's my problem, true. I will handle it. But it hurts me when he cuts me off like that. (By the way, he just called as I was typing this to apologize. He's a sweetheart.)
I am not stupid. I know what I have to do to lose this weight. Again. But right now it's just depressing that I have to GIVE UP so much in order to get that. I am feeling like this part of my life is pretty unfair right now.
And I'm facing a weekend of social activities that mean food and drinking. I don't want to give that up and I don't want to sit there and drink water and eat celery while everyone else drinks beer and eats chips and pizza. Yes, I know it's MAYBE not that drastic but it feels that way to me today.
Why bother to "suffer" and lose to just gain it back when I act like a normal person for a few months? :-(
The problem is that I do not feel comfortable at this weight. But, right now, I am feeling pretty hopeless as to how to fix it for the long-term. And there is no point in yo-yo-ing in the short term. What I need is a long-term solution that doesn't make me feel too mad or deprived or sad or resentful. I had that long-term thing worked out for a long time -- over 10 years. Something changed...my body? I think that's a lot of it. It's why I see so many of us at our age here railing against what is happening with our bodies.
Right now I'm also not able to exercise to my fullest because of babying my arm. This means NO arm exercises, no yoga classes, limitations on certain other machines at my gym. This is not the reason though because I maintained last year for a LONG time when my arm was hurt.
While I think I am really watching what I eat and drink and am certainly exercising, I guess I'm just overdoing on what goes in my mouth. And it doesn't really feel like that. Except on Fridays when I get on the scale and feel like crying.
Here's what The Universe said today...for once, I am not feeling my positive self and am having a hard time believing it, but something in it makes me think it's important for me to listen:
Oh yeah, regarding your ancient spiritual contracts, Helen, that outlined every facet of the life you now lead? Well, just wanted to remind you that they're all re-written every dawn, and perpetually updated as each day unfolds.
Proving yet again that nothing is meant to be, that you are truly unlimited, and that anything can happen next, if you choose it.