As I feared

As I feared, the weigh-in this morning was disappointing. Up 1.4 pounds from last Thursday. That makes my net loss since October 17 only about 7-8 pounds. I'm disappointed because I really felt very slim yesterday...and today too, actually. How can the scale not agree with how I feel? :-(

I guess it's back to being more severe on the diet: need to cut back more wine, eat less at night (I am GREAT during the day...never eat more than 500 calories until evening and usually eat more like 400 or less...but evenings I want my "treats"). At least I can exercise a little now since my knee is getting better. But I'm afraid that might actually make my weight go UP as I gain muscle.

Feeling kind of stressed with potential house-buying and -selling on the horizon and my mom going in for a thyroid aspiration tomorrow to check on a growth that they found. All this makes for me feeling like I "need" my treats/comfort more, I guess.

In addition to all this, I've got my firm's holiday party tomorrow night...I know that I won't be perfect, but I will try to be "better". :-)

On to next week and a LOSS!

Scary Weigh-In Tomorrow

While I've still been reading everyone's blogs, I notice that I haven't written one myself since Thanksgiving. It's probably for the same reason that I tend not to write down foods in my on-line calorie journal in the evenings -- I'm afraid to admit what I ate!! But, to be honest, I don't think I did that badly on Thanksgiving -- I had one and a half plates of food and only one piece of my famous sweet potato pie. Despite this relative low intake, I was incredibly, uncomfortably full the whole rest of the day (we eat at about 3:30) so I didn't eat another thing until the next day. We had a couple of DB's grandkids over the weekend so there was a lot of eating out and snacking and I wasn't perfect although I think I did well at being aware while ordering. I guess the proof will be on the scale tomorrow...unlike past weeks, I haven't been tempted to "cheat" and get on between weigh-ins this week. :-)

I did really get back with the program on Monday and have been doing well since. I actually FEEL pretty good -- have on some pants today that are actually loser than I remember them being for a long time. I hope that is a good sign.

DB and I are thinking of buying a house together and I need to sell mine in order to do this...all this real estate action can be stressful so maybe that (along with some more exercising than I've been able to do since my surgery) is helping burn the calories. I hope so!!

Wish me luck...I'll be back tomorrow with the news whether good or bad.

P.S.

I maintained my weight this week...and I couldn't be happier...I was SURE I had gained! I guess that's for next week...after the feast today...or HOPEFULLY NOT!! :-)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

May you all have a wonderful day full of all good things. Or, at the very least, a moment of extreme thankfulness for at least one thing in your life...I believe we all have at least ONE. Today I am thankful for:

-My sweetheart, DB: To find the true love of my life, to have him be such a good person, such a loving man, such a brilliant mind, such a fun playmate...wow, not too many people are that lucky. Thank you, Universe!

-My mom: So happy to have her living close by these past years so she can join my traditional feast! She's remarkable and I love her. :-)

-Family: A surprise of 4 more people to eat the too much food I always cook -- one of DB's daughters and her family!! I love it and my WHOLE extended family and...

-Friends: So many to love...so lucky so many love me back!

-Beautiful day: Here in Venice, it's a nice 70 degrees...all the windows and doors are open to the sunshiney day. :-)

-Everything else: My list of things that I am thankful for is very very long...and I've got to get back to cooking!!

Abundance and Scarcity

On this day before the day of ultimate abundance, I'm realizing I will be scarce around here for the long weekend...and I hope that I make it through without putting (back) on too much weight.

Since I am the chef tomorrow, I have a lot of control over what goes into the food. This allows me to use reduced/low fat and calorie ingredients a lot. But the stuffing will have loads of butter, the pies will have butter and sugar and, well, let's just say that moderation is not my strongest virtue!! Add this to the fact that my weigh-in day is tomorrow...not sure what that will mean.

I've been trying not to get on the scale more than once a week, but some days I can't resist. Like this morning...I was feeling oh-so-thin so I thought I'd give myself a boost and see what old Miss Scale had to say. BIG MISTAKE! I was up a pound and a half from last week! YIKES. I don't think I've been THAT bad so I figure its (a) pre-menstrual, or (b) I'm getting muscles back since I've been able to exercise a bit this week. The truth is that I still FEEL a lot thinner than I did a month ago...even if Miss Scale was right and I've only now lost 7 pounds since mid-October. :-(

After tomorrow, we've got a busy weekend -- off to get two of DB's granddaughters for a couple of days -- they are 6 and 2 and we have SO much fun with them!! (Yes, he started young and so did his kids...I consider myself lucky to get the benefits of grandparenthood without ever having to actually have children myself!!). I hope I can be "good" with any food temptations that come my way...

Another cute thing -- I had a guy try to pick me up in the grocery store yesterday! I was feeling cute so that really made my day. I'm glad to know that I've still got it...at least a little! ;-)

Abundance...there is so much of that in my life. Scarcity...not much. :-)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Weekend Treats

I seem to fall down a bit on the weekends. I drink too much and that leads to eating too much. :-( But the weekend rolls around and I want a treat (or treats!). I want something to celebrate another week of work is done, another weekend is to be enjoyed. The concept of treats is a big one for me...when I quit smoking, I had to come up with something else as a "treat" (that's in quotes because how could I ever think smoking a stinky cigarette was a treat?!) for those moments when I needed one...

So I drank a little bit more. I indulged eating a little bit more. So many ways to get that oral "treat". But allowing myself those treats has gradually let to my gaining this weight. Now I'm struggling to figure out what treats can replace food and drink. Like cigarettes, they are easily available, don't take much time, and give a quick rush of pleasure. What else is there that is like that?

Here's where I confess that I do have a real need to indulge in pleasure. And I know that there are so many things that give pleasure to me...in fact, I think there are maybe too many things...maybe I just grab onto food, drink (or smokes) because they are the EASY pleasures. And I get actually distressed if I think I have to curtail my pleasures. Maybe this blog should be called Hedonistic Helly's Belly? ;-)

I need to remember that there is pleasure in abstinence sometimes too...but that is more challenging. Oh yeah, a lot more.

Happy

After that last post, I just HAVE to add that I have been incredibly happy this week. It has been to the extent that I have looked at an astrology site to see if there is some kind of weird happy alignment of the planets (didn't see anything). There's been no huge reason for this wonderful feeling of contentment/joy, but here are some things that probably added to my glow:

- DB came back from a week out of town. :-) I just love this man so much. Words truly cannot express. We have so much fun together. It's AWESOME.

- Got a lot of work done despite a terrible computer meltdown at my office yesterday. Satisfying.

- Looking forward to Bill Maher taping tonight. Fun!

- Looking forward to babysitting some friends' 5-month-old tomorrow night.

- Looking forward to more house-shopping this weekend. I love this so much that I often wonder if I should be a real estate agent. But I'm not really a salesperson and I have a feeling that it wouldn't be quite as much fun if I wasn't shopping for myself! ;-)

- Probably MOST OF ALL I'm looking forward to my favorite holiday next week!! Thanksgiving is so terrific because there is no gift pressure, no family pressure, just eating, drinking and being merry with friends and family and being GRATEFUL for all I have. AND 4 days off work. I do the cooking (which I love) so I try to make things as healthy as possible (it's good to have control of this on a Big Eating Day). I'm even going to try a crustless pumpkin pie this year.

OK, that's it, I must be looking forward to next Thursday...when I can wallow in my thankfulness for how lucky I am. :-)

Hormones

I've been on bio-identical hormones for a little over a year. About a month ago, my doctor changed my dosage (the great thing about this HRT is that it comes in drops so you can, theoretically, regulate your intake more naturally like the body does). The idea with this is to keep me healthy and more vibrant longer (no, I'm not THAT old and I don't want to be before my time!). If you're interested, the best thing to do is to read Suzanne Somers' The Sexy Years which is a good laywoman's description.

Anyway, since I started the new hormone regimen a month ago:

- I have not had a period although one was due about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Despite this, as I discussed with my doctor, I have continued with the hormone regimen as if the period did happen.

- Most disturbingly, I am having more hot flashes than before I switched to the new regimen! (I was having teeny ones once a day or so when I started the HRT last year, but they had pretty much disappeared.) When I told my doctor, she suggested that I increased the estrogen dose slightly, but the hot flashes are getting more frequent rather than less frequent. :-( When I got them before, they were only once a day and late in the afternoon. Now I'm getting them sometimes in the morning AND a couple of times in the afternoon. :-(

No period and more hot flashes?! From this, it is clear to me that the dosage I am on now is not working. Of course I've e-mailed my doc to see what is up, but this is very frustrating. It's bad enough to be in menopause at such a young age (and I'm sure the hormonal changes don't help my weight situation either!), but to be religiously taking something that's supposed to be helping and have it make things WORSE is a pain!

I don't want to complain too much because the truth is that my flashes are TEENY next to what my mom says she went through for many many years. I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen to me!

I wish I knew someone else who was on this type of HRT...

Somehow the loss continues!

Today is weigh-in day and I am very happy to say that I've lost 3 pounds since last Thursday!! This means I have DEFINITELY lost 9 pounds since October 17 (now that I have a good scale, I can be SURE of what I'm losing).

I have been really good, but I have also gone a little over my calorie total a couple of days. The difference between now and the last couple of years when I've been half-heartedly trying to lose weight is that I get back on the wagon IMMEDIATELY when I go over rather than saying "oh well, I blew it, might as well have some chips!" ;-) This is a LOT like when I quit smoking -- I lost a lot of quits by just going back to full-on smoking after one slip. BUT it's not like quitting smoking in that I can't have one single cigarette EVER whereas I have to eat! Sooo...harder? Maybe a bit.

Tomorrow night, I am going to see the Bill Maher show taping so I have to plan ahead with food -- rather than buying some fast food on the way over to the studio, I'll bring an extra Healthy Choice meal to my office and eat it before I leave. :-)

So...I've got 20 pounds to go until my goal weight (at least I think I'll be happy at that weight). And I'm off... :-))

Oh Happy Day!

Today I went to see my old orthopedic doctor (who hadn't done my surgery since I absolutely hate with a pink and purple passion how his office is run though I LOVE him) because I am hating the doctor who actually did the surgery (not only did he give me horrible/no post-op instructions and completely wrong post-op expectations, he's one of those guys who says "hi sweetie" very insincerely...I hate that in any guy, but in a doctor, it's actually WORSE!). Anyway, my old-now-new doc is just great...agreed that his office sucks and gave me a real course for post-op treatment to get the swelling down (it's been 6 weeks and no real improvement in swelling) and get healed. :-) He confirmed that I should have had the surgery (I was afraid maybe not since I'm not trusting the doc who did it)...saying I had the knee of an 85-year-old woman pre-surgery!! Wow. The BEST part of the whole appointment? He's given me a new physical therapy prescription that will really pump up the jam on my exercise -- which will help with the weight loss!! I am THRILLED.

On top of this, I heard from a long-lost friend today that I had been worried about. He's OK...whew!

Feeling kind of poochy today but not sure why since I've been ultra "good" since starting the diet. OK, well, I did have a party a week ago and drank a wee bit too much which leads to eating a wee bit too much too -- I think I went over 1000 calories over my limit that day -- eek! And did something similar although less bad last Saturday...but I've still been losing so I haven't beat myself up too much. But if when I weigh in on Thursday I'm up as I fear, I'm going to have to buckle down more.

Sigh...I do wish this was easier and faster, but I know better. Most days. ;-)

Discouragement

Today I planned to walk my doggie again since it was so nice to move my body that way yesterday, but I got caught up on the phone with my DB (Dear Boyfriend) who is out of town and got a scary call about one of his daughters (she had an ectopic pregnancy that they just found last night and had to rush her to the hospital...all seems well now). So I headed out to look at new houses (DB and I are thinking about buying a place together) with my agent and figured I'd get some exercise that way. Which I did until the house that was my favorite pre-shopping trip tried to kill me!! I slipped on some polished stone steps, tore up my hand and arm and, WORST of all, screwed up my knee which was finally starting to heal from surgery in late September!! I was luckily wearing my brace or who knows how much worse it would have been. As it is, I am hugely set back...can't walk anywhere near normally, knee is hugely swollen again and it HURTS. I am not sure whether to head to the doctor or not first thing tomorrow...am leaning toward hitting physical therapy and seeing what they say first. BUT, this means MORE time before I can really exercise again. I am extremely sad about this. Very hard to lose weight when you can't do more than hobble. :-( Oh well...hoping for better day tomorrow...

Encouragements

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend to a pretty "dangerous" restaurant -- Italian, full of huge pasta dishes and salads with fatty dressings. I steeled myself for some plain chicken and steamed veggies to go with my (splurge) wine. But, lo and behold, a miracle: they have a "low carb" option with their pastas -- you can get the delish pasta sause on mixed seasonal veggies!! Oh joy!! I got a low-fat spicy seafood sauce on the veggies and it felt like a huge treat. YUMMY. :-) I am lucky living in California, I guess, where restaurants to cater more to people trying to eat healthy.

In addition, my friend who I hadn't seen in a few weeks told me she really thought I looked great, i.e., had lost weight. This along with my new ACCURATE scale is great encouragement to me. It's fun to try to eat yummily and WELL...I haven't really done that in a few years and it feels great.

Finally, my physical therapist told me that I could take my doglet for a walk if I wear my (ankle to thigh) brace. I am so excited about this...real exercise!

Tonight I'm having some friends over for dinner so am off to the Farmer's Market very soon to get supplies...all in all, am looking forward to a fun and healthy day!

The Horrible Number

Well, here we go with my first rant...I hope you don't mind: on October 17 I accidentally found out The Horrible Number (yes, my weight). I have made every effort over the past three years to NOT know THN (funny what those initials are reminiscent of!): I turn my back at all my doctors' offices and make them promise not to tell me THN. Well, on that day at my gynecologist's I did the usual routine -- told them I would turn my back on the scale, not look down and please not to tell me THN. Somehow my eyes just couldn't look away though when she was writing THN on my chart. OK, now I won't even tell YOU, anonymous readers, what THN is! THN was made even more horrible by the fact that I was certain that I had lost at least 5 pounds (maybe more) since I had knee surgery on September 28...

So I started thinking A LOT since the revelation of THN. I was less upset with THN than I could be -- after all, this means I have a mere 30 pounds to lose before getting to a nice weight and last time I lost 120 (yes, I'm not thinking of losing down as low as I did before this time...I was WAY too skinny then and I'm estimating that my best weight is a bit higher than my lowest weight). And it's not a total shock. But I'm still terribly upset that I've let myself gain around 30 pounds in the last 3 years since I quit smoking. I remember when I was thinner that I absolutely KNEW that I would never get fat again. I think that certainty must have ended when I stopped weighing myself in order to not go back to smoking just to remain thin. I shouldn't have stayed away from the scale so long though...

And that's where I am. I ordered a scale on-line from Target. I planned to leave it at my office because for some reason, I don't want to emphasize THN and its impact on me to my boyfriend. I shudder to think what he would think if he knew how much I weigh (I know how much he weighs...why aren't men as reluctant to tell anyone how much they weigh?!). I did tell him on that Horrible Day that I found out my weight, that I have joined a calorie-counting website and that I bought the scale, but that I would NEVER tell him how much I weigh. Ever. He looked me up and down and said "I know how much you weigh". That made me SICK. Seriously. I almost cried at the thought that he might know my horrible secret. I told him that he can never do that again. That this weight is seriously emotional and difficult for me. It is. The next morning he told me that I definitely had already lost weight. :-) He does get it, bless him!

I also talked with my sister and we talked about all our issues with weight (she was always the thin one...I got thinner than her for a minute in late 1996...my most emaciated period and, of course, she was 8 months pregnant!). She joined Weight Watchers this June to lose 15 pounds (all she needs to lose!) and is just now at her goal weight. She told me that her husband (of 19 years) does not know (and never has known) how much she weighs. WHY is this so shameful to us women? Why? It's very sad.

Anyway, I've already lost at least 6 pounds (I've had some scale accuracy issues so am not really sure...but by next week should be consistently with a particular scale so will be accurate) and I am really extra determined. It will be hard to have any quick results since my exercising is so limited for the foreseeable future. But I am doing well considering, so I'm very hopeful.

Cross your fingers!!!