Friday, November 10, 2006

The Horrible Number

Well, here we go with my first rant...I hope you don't mind: on October 17 I accidentally found out The Horrible Number (yes, my weight). I have made every effort over the past three years to NOT know THN (funny what those initials are reminiscent of!): I turn my back at all my doctors' offices and make them promise not to tell me THN. Well, on that day at my gynecologist's I did the usual routine -- told them I would turn my back on the scale, not look down and please not to tell me THN. Somehow my eyes just couldn't look away though when she was writing THN on my chart. OK, now I won't even tell YOU, anonymous readers, what THN is! THN was made even more horrible by the fact that I was certain that I had lost at least 5 pounds (maybe more) since I had knee surgery on September 28...

So I started thinking A LOT since the revelation of THN. I was less upset with THN than I could be -- after all, this means I have a mere 30 pounds to lose before getting to a nice weight and last time I lost 120 (yes, I'm not thinking of losing down as low as I did before this time...I was WAY too skinny then and I'm estimating that my best weight is a bit higher than my lowest weight). And it's not a total shock. But I'm still terribly upset that I've let myself gain around 30 pounds in the last 3 years since I quit smoking. I remember when I was thinner that I absolutely KNEW that I would never get fat again. I think that certainty must have ended when I stopped weighing myself in order to not go back to smoking just to remain thin. I shouldn't have stayed away from the scale so long though...

And that's where I am. I ordered a scale on-line from Target. I planned to leave it at my office because for some reason, I don't want to emphasize THN and its impact on me to my boyfriend. I shudder to think what he would think if he knew how much I weigh (I know how much he weighs...why aren't men as reluctant to tell anyone how much they weigh?!). I did tell him on that Horrible Day that I found out my weight, that I have joined a calorie-counting website and that I bought the scale, but that I would NEVER tell him how much I weigh. Ever. He looked me up and down and said "I know how much you weigh". That made me SICK. Seriously. I almost cried at the thought that he might know my horrible secret. I told him that he can never do that again. That this weight is seriously emotional and difficult for me. It is. The next morning he told me that I definitely had already lost weight. :-) He does get it, bless him!

I also talked with my sister and we talked about all our issues with weight (she was always the thin one...I got thinner than her for a minute in late most emaciated period and, of course, she was 8 months pregnant!). She joined Weight Watchers this June to lose 15 pounds (all she needs to lose!) and is just now at her goal weight. She told me that her husband (of 19 years) does not know (and never has known) how much she weighs. WHY is this so shameful to us women? Why? It's very sad.

Anyway, I've already lost at least 6 pounds (I've had some scale accuracy issues so am not really sure...but by next week should be consistently with a particular scale so will be accurate) and I am really extra determined. It will be hard to have any quick results since my exercising is so limited for the foreseeable future. But I am doing well considering, so I'm very hopeful.

Cross your fingers!!!


Lori said...

I don't the BF really knows how much you weigh. I worked in a store and I would have men come in and buy their wives stuff for Christmas and base it on me. It ranged from a size 12 (trust me, I was like a 2-3X) to a 5X. Very rarely did they get close to my size.

If you're tall and you do sound like you're on the tall side, you can carry way more weight than it seems.

And no, I would never let any guy know how much I weighed unless it was my very very best friend from high school (a guy) but I can't think of why I'd bring it up. :-)

The important thing is that you quit smoking; doctors will tell you that being overweight is less hazardous to your health than smoking. Think of the money you've saved!

Helen said...

Whew...that really makes me feel better...I hope you're right!! :-)