Friday, October 26, 2007

The weight

I'm up 0.2 this week. Not horrible, but not the direction I want to see the scale moving. But how much do I really REALLY want it? That's what's been tormenting me this week. If I really REALLY want it, I'll make it happen. I've done it before. I can do it again. But I have to REALLY want it. I have to really sacrifice. And, so far, to be brutally honest, I haven't been willing to do that. Even though I'm miserable when I look in the mirror.

Vickie inspired me to be really honest today. And that's it.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I love the moon like some people love the sun

Tonight the full moon here is as orange as the top of this blog. Dark coppery orange. From all the smoke in the air. The fires are diminishing, but who knows what damage is happening to our lungs (and other organs which I understand also soak up the particulate matter). I've heard some people say that in a few years we may have similar diseases out here as the post-9/11 rescue workers are suffering from. I'm not too worried for me, but it's scary to think that something you can't see or smell is potentially hurting you.

Tonight I walked a little less than the past two nights at the beach, but I did my pilates DVD. Felt really good. I want SO much to get back to feeling comfortable in my body.

Which reminds me...there is something wrong with the toe next to The Toe. It just hangs there and it's numb. I talked with the doc about it this week and he says it's possible that there's a stress fracture from walking funny for all this time. DB thinks maybe I broke it too originally and we just didn't notice. I have to find time to go to the doc to check it out. :-(

DB has been gone all this week and I can't wait until he's home tomorrow. He's been gone most of the past two weeks and that has been hard. He's home for one week next week, then gone again for a week. After that, we have a whole month with him at home...yippeeeeee!

Almost time for 30 Rock and The Office...gotta go!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


It's very hot here...and smoky. Just went out to lunch (haven't been out of the office at all this week until evening) and it's hot and the air smells of smoke. There's a haze over the whole city. I also realized that I've been sneezing a lot this week...probably because of all the particulate matter in the air. Yuck.

Just heard from a friend of ours in San Diego -- the fires aren't to their area yet, but they still have their trailer packed and ready to go. The San Diegans are getting it worse than we are.

My French family e-mailed this morning to check on us...I guess even in Europe they see our beautiful area burning.

I wish it would rain.

In the meantime, I'm trying to do a 10-block walk every night this week...getting back in the swing of exercise slowly. It's very hard for me not to just jump in, but I know that I need to rehab or I'll be sorry later.

Food has been good this week (until we just had a going-away lunch for a colleague...the salmon and mashed potatoes with spinach was amazing, but large portion and probably full of butter). I really need to get back to WOW...I've been drowning my sorrows way too much in wine. :-(

P.S. I got sucked in to watching The Biggest Loser last night for almost the whole show (I rarely watch TV except for The Office and 30 Rock)...I liked it, but am not sure if I want to keep watching it. Although the "poker game" they played last night put me off food for quite a while!!!

P.P.S. I got bored with my old template...don't know how to change HTML so just picked a new one from the ones they provide. I think I like this one..."Sand Dollar" seems good for a beach girl like me! :-)

And one last thing...check this out. This was used as a tool in the natural vision improvement class I just's cool.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Photo from Little Mom's driveway this evening

They are safe. The interior of their house is covered in ash (not to mention the outside). The kids can't play outside and are off school probably at least through tomorrow. The sunlight even here (far away) is orange. The sunsets are kaleidoscopic...purples and oranges and pinks...all glowing. I can see the Malibu fires from the beach right at my house...they are far away and eerie.

Update from the disaster area

Little Mom and her family stayed with her sister-in-law last night (she lives closer, but not, so far, in the danger zone). It looks like the fire in her neighborhood is less scary today, but these things can change quickly depending on the winds. It's supposed to be in the high 80s and up to 100 today too...not good. But I think our family is ok. :-)

Monday, October 22, 2007

Southern California is on fire

And not in a good way.

I've spent a lot of today worrying and working on getting DB's oldest daughter (Little Mom) and her three kids (including our beloved Princess) out of the fire area (in the Santa Clarita Valley north of here). They had mandatory evacuations just a block from her house and she was there with her kids, some other kids whose parents had to go to work (schools were closed), and NO CAR. :-( I was thisclose to jumping in my car to go get them this morning. Luckily her sister-in-law came and got them and they are now ensconced in front of a tv at a restaurant waiting for Little Mom's man to get off work and decide what is next. I really wish they'd all come down and stay with me (especially since DB is gone), but I understand they want to stay home as long as they can.

It is highly unlikely that a fire would get us at our place...the fires usually are worst in the hills and we are in the flats by the ocean. But I sure am glad I sucked up all the dry leaves by our house yesterday.

It's unbelievable...I've never seen it this bad here (and we have fires every year). Tonight I'll walk Doglet down at the beach and see what I can see up toward Malibu.

Doing a rain dance...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Back on the bike

Today I realized it's a good thing I have avoided even looking toward the beach/ocean these past couple of months when I couldn't go down there...ahhhhh, it's beautiful! If I would have LOOKED, I would have felt much more sad that I couldn't GO.

We biked down the beach to brunch today and it was a glorious day...sunny, waves were so big and fun-looking...I longed to boogie board (it was warm enough), but my toe incision still won't let me go to the sand or in the ocean. Oh, but it looked FUN!! :-) And it felt wonderful to have the breeze going past me as I sped on my bike faster than I've been able to go in a long time!! :-))

After brunch, we biked the other direction up the beach and saw the Malibu wildfires...sadly, we are pretty used to those happening pretty much yearly, but the smoke today was very close and looked bad. Despite this, down by us, it was a beautiful breezy (not good for fires) day. We stopped by DB's old place to pick up some mail and chatted with his old neighborhood friends (note that this neighborhood is only about 10 blocks from our place!).

When we got home, I broke out the leaf sucker and had at it in our yard (our eucalyptus drops leaves like nobody's business and with DB's very bad shoulder he can't do this job which is usually his). Took me almost an hour, but I got it all sucked up. The mulch smelled amazing and it was actually very fun...gave me a huge sense of accomplishment to get it so much cleaner. The exercise felt good. I had to head to the shower immediately afterward though because my toe had gotten quite dirty. The rest of the afternoon I spent with a crossword and finishing a movie I had started the other night from Netflix. Ahh...relaxation. The remaining boxes can wait...

DB leaves again tomorrow early morning (this time for business trip). Luckily it's only four nights this time...if possible, I miss him even more when he's gone as time goes by! Then he's back for a week, then back to Nearby Town for his parents, then home for a month during which he'll have HIS surgery.

Life is never boring...and that's a good thing. ;-)

I think my thyroid medication is making me less hungry. Maybe it's psychosomatic, but it feels like it. Maybe that's why I lost a few lbs. this week? Who knows?

Friday, October 19, 2007

Getting back to the routine

Today I weighed in. Lost a couple of pounds since last week even without being back to exercise or watching my food carefully. Maybe last week it was high because it was the pre-PMS week. Or maybe...who knows? Anyway, I'm slowly getting back to "normal" and hopefully...lighter.

I walked Doglet last night. Both he and I were thrilled to get back into the neighborhood after being "trapped" on our property for so long. The ocean smells amazing. In the autumn it's quiet down here and very special. I didn't manage to walk as far as I hoped last night, but was happy with my progress. Tonight I walked a block farther. steps as Vickie says... :-)

It's actually a great practice to realize how these little things that I've taken for granted are so pleasureful. :-)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

V-T Day ;-)

Well the toe is free, but it's still got a ways to go before being fixed.

Oddly, the removal of the pin (which they do with a kind of surgical pair of pliers) did not hurt. The thought of it, however, did make me nauseous (I closed my eyes so didn't see it actually happening). Once it was out (pretty quickly actually) it did hurt...the point at the top of the toe where the pin came out bled a little (more nauseous...I really don't like blood) and it hurt when they put pressure on it. Other than that, it was quite simple. I go back in 6 weeks for another check.

The scabbing and swelling are still pretty severe so it's challenging to figure out what shoes to wear (the doc said I can wear what I want and today that's flip-flops...I think Crocs and Uggs will also be comfy). I have exercises to do with my toe -- stretching, massaging and putting it in a box of beans or rice and working on grasping with the toes. I can't really feel my toe totally yet (and won't be able to feel some of it ever since he had to cut a nerve) but it's better than yesterday.

After the removal, I went shopping to celebrate -- I'm looking for a California King comforter and cover to fit our new bed and they are HARD to find. No luck at either of the two stores I checked yesterday and I'm having little luck on-line either. Then went home and had some Indian food to celebrate...and watched the first part of Gangs of New York (which I haven't ever seen...very interesting so far). I got to sleep in bed with my toe covered up for the first time in 6 weeks -- bliss!! Can't wait for DB to get home now that we can cuddle again!!! :-)

Now I've got to motivate myself to get going on exercise again...I'm a total blob. Will try to walk Doglet a little tomorrow and try some of the DVDs that Lori sent me. I want my body back. Which reminds me...

I had a little thought (revelation?) the other day about my body and me. I always have felt that my body was not really ME...this is part of my spiritual belief system and I'm very vaguely pondering if this might have something to do with my weight issues...if my body is not me, I take less good care of it. BUT (also part of my beliefs) we have so much to learn in these bodies...shouldn't I make mine as good a learning tool as it can be? Will think more on this...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Just in time for Halloween...

...the Frankentoe is no more. ;-)

Time to celebrate Toe Freedom Day!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Getting back on the scale

I did it this morning in anticipation of removal of the pin from Frankentoe next Tuesday and the subsequent return to being able to exercise or at least MOVE...and it wasn't THAT bad. I'm not back to THN (The Horrible Number) from last year. In fact, I "only" gained about 9 pounds -- which for me, who can fluctuate 5 pounds in a DAY, isn't too bad (particularly since I'm just before my period) for two months of NO exercise. I am truly shocked since I have been not-so-great with food and drink and virtually completely sedentary for two months. I was literally getting on the scale this morning preparing myself for a MUCH higher number because my clothes feel so uncomfortable.

This makes me realize a few things:

- It's really not all about the scale. From my clothes I would have guessed I weighed a LOT more.
- I can get back to where I was (and keep going down) quickly as soon as I star moving again...I hope.
- I haven't made near the progress I wanted to in the past year vis-a-vis my weight because THN isn't very far from my weight this morning. And there's no real excuse.

Despite this relatively "good" news today, I still am feeling really horrible...ugly, fat, a lump. :-( I hope I feel better soon...getting rid of the pin and getting a pedicure and getting my brows done (I get that done the same place as I get pedicure and since I haven't been there in two months, I my brows are slightly, well, shaggy...even though I did half-heartedly pluck last weekend before a special dinner) might help. Everything about me (except my heart) feels ugly to me lately.

Other good news: we got our "new" bed set last night finally (we bought via Craigs List and had to wait for the sellers to get their new furniture). We didn't have our new mattress yet (that's coming tonight), so we slept up in our "treehouse" (second bedroom/loft)...very cozy...DB only hit his head one time when getting up in the night (the roof slopes). ;-)

This weekend, I'll be unpacking into the new furniture, continuing unpacking the house, having dinner with some friends (DB is leaving for Nearby Town tomorrow morning -- he's going to be gone most of the next two weeks -- a prospect that does not fill me with joy), etc.

I've been going to a seminar this week on natural vision improvement (using the Bates Method) and, while I don't think it's going to make my eyesight miraculously clear, it's been fascinating and fun. It's kind of like yoga for the eyes...and I feel SO much better when I'm doing at least SOME kind of yoga (it's being taught by a yoga teacher of mine, in fact).

So life goes least I have lots of stuff to look forward to!! :-)

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Frankentoe...


Sadly, no pin removal today. The doc told me he'd take it out if it was truly driving me crazy, but that it would be better to wait a week. Well, much as it IS driving me crazy, I'd rather have a functioning toe for the next 50 years of my life so...

Thanks for all your squinchly-eyed wishes's definitely coming out next Tuesday at 3:30 pm PDT...count on it! :-)

Add to all this, that DB left for a business trip for two days back east today AND learned that he needs arthroscopic surgery on his shoulder (which has been causing him intense pain for the past five months or so). I joked that he was jealous of all my soon as I'm healed, he'll be going in. And, did I mention that he has no insurance? Sigh. Being a partnership starts to hit the pocketbook now...

So, I "deserved" Thai food tonight. And another week of little/no exercise. I feel ugly, fat, horrible. But trying to remember it's just one more week...

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Gearing up to feel good again

I'm hoping that the pin will be able to come out of the Frankentoe next Tuesday when I have my next appointment with my doctor -- please hope along with me -- ok, everyone, close your eyes and wish REALLY HARD!! ;-)

With that in mind, I'm really really looking forward to being able to exercise again. I have literally not been able to walk more than a block (and that is hard) for over a month now. I hope that once the pin is out I will be able to walk normally, but my foot has been so immobile for so long that that is possibly a dream. In any event, I'll be able to move more than I have been able to and that should help the rapidly spreading butt.

I don't know how much I have gained in these last two months, but my clothes are tight enough that any fitted ones are uncomfortable. I'm guessing it's at least 10 pounds. And I truly have not been eating more than before. I really get pissed off that I seem to gain weight more easily than other people do. Maybe I'm kidding myself and it's just that other people move more and eat less, but I know that there are some people I know who eat more and move less and do not gain. Oh well...

I went to my gyne this morning. My hormone replacement therapy is working great -- we just tweaked a few things to try to get my period to be a little more normal (you're supposed to keep getting your period on this kind of therapy). She wanted to check my thyroid (which we have done before due to the weight stuff, but nothing has showed up on blood tests). Well, today they did another test (I forget what it's called, but it's not a blood test, is cheaper and is more accurate) and found that I do have a hypothyroid condition. She gave me some bio-identical meds for it and also has me taking an iodine pill a day to help with cysty breasts (I had another "bad" mammogram a few weeks ago). I always feel really hopeful and healthy when I go see her...she's really into both Western and Eastern healing...if she was on my insurance plan, I'd probably make her my main doctor. Anyway, I feel very good about this. Maybe the thyroid stuff will mom told me she had this condition too and was on meds for it for years (I never really knew this).

We're still madly working on the new house -- selling old stuff on Craigs List, buying new stuff on Craigs List, trying to coordinate all that, still doing improvements and unpacking, etc. But living together ROCKS. We've got adjustments to each other, of course (like, would he PLEASE put his glass in the dishwasher or at least in the sink?!), but in general it's fantastic and I am so happy.

I plan to weigh in a week from tomorrow to get back on the Friday weigh-ins (my gyne didn't make me weigh today since I have the huge post-op shoe on) and find out the damage. I am looking forward to feeling GOOD's been a long time since I have...