Friday, November 30, 2007


I lost all the 3 pounds of Thanksgiving weight so that feels better.

DB was so beautiful and loving to me last night so that feels better.

Only bad thing today is that I found out that I am the victim of identity far the thieves have charged over $6600 fraudulently. :-( It's been a dramatic day...I even had to file a police report. Hopefully have nipped it in the bud, but it's damn scary to know that someone has my name, address and SSN and is using it for crime. :-(

Leaving office soon for our holiday party...will TRY not to overdo. ;-)

Thanks to all for your incredibly sweet words yesterday...I cried more tears yesterday than I can remember crying in one day in a LONG time. So many that I had to wear my glasses to work today 'cause I couldn't wear my contacts. What happened yesterday really made me think about a LOT of things...and much more pondering is required.

Thursday, November 29, 2007


I am miserable. In both senses of the term: I am unhappy and I am a horrible person.

DB came in all excited this morning to tell me that he has lost 10 pounds (in the past two or three weeks -- including food-orgy-Thanksgiving-week!!!). Struggling to lose the 3 pounds I gained back on Thanksgiving (I've lost 1.1 as of today), I found it impossible to be happy for him. I tried to explain to him but this stuff is so deep and hard for me that I ended up going into my bathroom to cry and try to regain my composure.

To give you some perspective: DB's pre-10-pound-loss weight BARELY put him in the highly-strict (and unrealistic, in my and many others' opinions) BMI range for "overweight". With the loss, he is 1/2 point into that range and thus thisclose to "normal". My post-Frankentoe weight put me at the very high-end of the "overweight" range. At my current weight, I am still on the high end, although closer to the middle.

I know that men lose weight faster and easier than women, but it is extremely hard for me to watch him eat (for example) double the pie for Thanksgiving, almost an entire bag of nuts, candy regularly and have 800 calories of chips plus cottage cheese for "brunch" every day and STILL lose weight with his only exercise being post-op shoulder exercises (which are quite limited) while HONEST TO GOD I eat right most every day, exercise, and I can hardly build up a consistent 10-pound loss over a YEAR.

DB says he's lost because he has cut back on booze. Well, so have I! Sorry, that doesn't make this any better. :-(

On top of this, I feel absolutely CRAPPY that I can't be a supportive enough partner to DB to exult in his success. I should be better than that. I am disappointed in myself that I am not.

And all this while facing the upcoming food challenges of Christmas season (two parties just this weekend)...and I don't want to be totally depriving myself during that time because then I will be just even more miserable.

I feel ugly today. In every way.


Stealing this from much of this hits me right in the gut. Although I love it when people tell me I look good...if it's true.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


I had a little surger-ette this morning at the doctor's office. He numbed me, made a couple of incisions and pulled two of the remaining 3 pins out of my toe (including the one that was coming out of its own accord - yes, it was coming out the interior side of my toe!). The only painful part was when he was giving me the shots to numb my toe -- OW. I got nauseous and had to lie down. But when he was doing the actual surger-ette, I hardly even felt pressure. But there sure was a lot of blood!! Icky. I'm super duper happy to have that one that was sticking out and hurty gone though! He's a little worried that the incision isn't totally healed and looks a little infected, so he's putting me on an antibiotic for a week and I go back next week to see him. I'm happy about this too since maybe the antibiotic will kick this cold (that I've had for over two weeks) out of my system once and for all too!! :-)

Anyway, I've now got two new steri-stripped incisions on my toe and it's all bandaged up nice. I can shower tonight though as long as the new incisions aren't bleeding. And I have to make sure to wear a bandaid or sock all the time until it's healed (unless I'm in flip-flops).

This all makes me say "oh well, no exercise tonight". But nooooooo. I will still be doing pilates. I can do the mat stuff without putting any weight on my legs/feet. Gotta keep the tummy reducing. After eating well and not drinking for just ONE DAY (yesterday), it's amazing how much less flabby I feel. Good reminder not to get discouraged and give up after overdoing it. And there will be more overdoing it this weekend: my firm's holiday party is this Friday and our housewarming hoedown is on Saturday night. Sunday we will stay home and I will make my famous post-Thanksgiving turkey soup. :-)

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Amazing what a few days of eating can do...

I can hardly breathe in my pants. Thanksgiving wasn't TOO bad food-wise...I make everything as low-fat/low-cal as I can. But eating that food for the next few days with NO exercise takes it's toll. On Friday when I weighed I was 3 pounds over what I was on Wednesday. THAT's how much I fluctuate. And it's kinda depressing when I watch DB eat a couple of pieces of pie a day an he LOSES. :-(

We spent Friday and most of Saturday at the house healing...him healing from his shoulder surgery and me from my cold (which is finally feeling better, but not BETTER yet). It was nice, but no exercise and my tummy feels bigger and bigger.

Today we ran around all day. Our new pad is very 60s mod and we are having fun thinking of planning our holiday/housewarming party with a 60s mod vibe. We bought an antique aluminum tree today and DB is right now putting only red bulbs on it. I love it for our party, but I still want a real tree for Xmas!! We're gonna try to dress very 60s housewifey mod for our party...I'm thinking a teased 'do like Amy Winehouse/Jackie O. DB is looking at striped corduroy pants. ;-)

I wish you all could be in for Saturday? :-)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Giving thanks

It is highly unlikely that I will be able to write tomorrow with cooking, prepping and guests so today while it is slow at the office I thought I'd do my annual summary of things I am most thankful for:

- DB. My number one. My love, my playmate, my friend. I waited so long to find him and I am grateful to have him in my life every single day.
- The rest of my family (Mommy, Sister, Brother-in-Law, Niece and Nephew, DB's Kids and Grandkids). My heart is filled with love and appreciation for all of these remarkable people. I am so lucky to call them my family.
- Friends. My friends are like family to me. They enrich my life every day. (That's YOU, dear readers!)
- Our new house. HOME. Ahhhh. :-)
- My job. Stable here for just over 14 years. Unbelievable. It still challenges me most every day. And my assistant, bosses and clients? The BEST.
- My (relative) health. OK, so I've had a couple of surgeries, have had a cold for 10 days and am 20 pounds over what I'd like to could be a LOT worse. I'm in great shape really. But still working on getting better...and I'm grateful to be ABLE to work on that. :-)

It's been a big year with lots of exciting and stressful times -- and I am thankful for every minute.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Soup Week

I guess it's Soup Week here at Helly's Belly...the curried fish chowder I made the other night was just so yummy (we had leftovers tonight) that I decided to share with all of you. I adapted the original recipe as I have noted below to make it less fatty, but the nutrition information below is for the full-fat version:

Curried Fish Chowder

1 T vegetable oil (I used MAYBE 1 t of olive oil, probably less)
1 c diced shallots or onions (I used onions)
2 garlic cloves, minced or pressed
1 t salt (I omitted this)
1 c minced celery
2 to 3 t curry powder
1/2 t turmeric
1/2 t ground black pepper
4 c diced potatoes
1 c diced yellow squash
1/2 c peeled and diced carrots
4 c water or vegetable stock (I used fat free veggie broth)
1/2 c dry sherry or dry white wine
1 lb. mild white fish fillets, such as hake, sole, or scrod (I used sole)
2 T cream cheese (I used fat free)
1 c milk or half & half (I used skim milk)
minced chives or shallots
a few lemon wedges

In a soup pot, heat the oil on medium heat. Saute the shallots or onions, garlic, and salt for 5 minutes, stirring often. Add the celery and saute for about 5 more mins. Add the curry powder, turmeric, and pepper and saute for 1 to 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Add the potatoes, squash, carrots, water or stock, and sherry or wine. Cover and bring to a boil; then reduce the heat and simmer until the vegetables are very tender, about 15 minutes.

Rinse the fish fillets and cut them into bite-sized pieces. Add them to the pot, cover, and cook for 5 to 7 minutes, until the fish is no longer translucent. Remove from the heat.

In a blender, combine the cream cheese, milk or half & half, and 2 cups of the hot soup and puree until smooth. Stir the puree back into the soup and reheat gently, if needed. Serve hot topped with chives or shallots and with lemon wedges on the side. Accompany with mesclun salad and a crusty baguette.

Per 12 oz. serving: 266 calories, 18.9 g protein, 5.7 g fat, 32.4 g carbohydrates, 2.3 g saturated fatty acids, 28 mg cholesterol, 1,077 mg sodium, 3.3 g total dietary fiber.


Still sick...

...and it's been a week. I'm not getting worse really, but I'm not getting better at all and I'm starting to get an aching feeling in my chest (this has been all about a chest cold/cough). Trying to take care of me and DB and I'm afraid I've felt taking care of DB was more important. He's doing better...still in a lot of pain, but motion is coming back and he's doing PT every day. I went with him yesterday to learn some stuff so I can help him over the long PT-less weekend. Basically I just can't wait until we BOTH feel better.

I've been doing well on food and SSO drinking, but no formal exercise since last Thursday night. I hope I have the energy to do at least pilates tonight.

Despite everything, I'm still looking forward to Thanksgiving a lot! I'll bake my pies tomorrow night, get up early Thursday to get the turkey in, do some yard clean-up, then finish everything before people show up at 3. I'll have about 8-10 people....including the man we bought our house from and his wife and one of my oldest friends from college (who is visiting in town this week) and his wife. :-)

Trying to get a lot done at the office today so I can leave early and go home to bed...cuddling up with DB in bed for days at a time would be so much more fun if we both felt better!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Tag, I'm It

Whew, lots of typing last one before I head to the showers and early bed (maybe Ocean's Thirteen before).

Thora tagged me and this seems like a fun one so here we go:

Four dishes I like to cook:
1. Thanksgiving dinner -- yes, the whole thing! My favorite since I was 13. :-)
2. Turkey soup post-Thanksgiving -- I love how the rosemary infuses the air of the house.
3. Moroccan tagine -- delicious spicy different stew. Yummy.
4. Whatever the latest thing is that I've tried! Tonight I made Curry Fish Chowder. Delicious!

Four qualities I love in people:
1. The ability to laugh -- This is akin to humor, but somehow something more.
2. Intelligence -- I'm a super snob about this. Can't bear stupid people. That's you, Mr. President. ;-)
3. Open-mindedness -- Judgmental is the worst thing I can think of. This is the opposite.
4. Passion -- for something, anything. Your job, your dog, your politics, your sex life, your skillet. Anything.

Four places I have been (this is hard, I've been a LOT of places):
1. France -- All over. I lived in Brittany and Alsace while in school and have been back many times. When I was 16 I lived with a family and they are still my family of my heart. :-)
2. New York, New York -- My second hometown. I became an adult while living there. And fled for a better standard of living at 30. But my heart (and my sister and her family) still lives in the greatest city of all.
3. Catalina Island, California -- My special anniversary spot with my sweetie. It's 26 miles off the shore of Los Angeles, but it feels like a Mediterranean paradise. No cars, just golf carts, gorgeous scenery, snorkeling (I learned there on our first anniversary), jet skis, fabulous dinners, a paradise for vacation.
4. Punaluu and North Shore, Oahu, Hawaii -- In December. I adore the huge waves. I adore watching the surfers. I adore Kahuku shrimp. I adore spam sushi. I adore poke. I even adore the fact that DB dumped me off a jet ski in the middle of the ocean! I adore the utter relaxation of a special vacation there.

Four things in my bedroom:
1. DB -- if I'm lucky.
3. A book.
4. Dog bed (with dog, if I'm lucky).

Four dirty words I like to use:
Fuck (and so many beautiful variations thereof), Shit, goddamn it, and fuck again for good measure. ;-)

I'm tagging Vickie, Grumpy, and Cindy...and anyone else who thinks this might be fun! :-)

Tomato Soups for Vickie

It's been a lazy weekend here with me feeling yucky with my cold and DB healing. Nothing much new...I did shopping for Thanksgiving today and that took a lot out of me, but I'm ready for my modified, low-fat feast! :-)

Vickie asked about tomato soup recipes. I'm not a big tomato soup fan, but found these three in my favorite cookbooks (to avoid sodium, I'd put tomatoes in a food processor and make my own "juice"):

Lightly Spiced Tomato Soup

Very fast and easy recipe. Serve chilled in hot weather, hot in chilly weather.

1 c. finely chopped onions
1-2 T vegetable oil (I'd use less)
1 small chile, seeded and minced (or a pinch of cayenne)
1 t ground cumin seeds
1/2 t turmeric
1/4 t ground cardamom
1/8 t ground cloves
6 c tomato juice (46 oz. can)
1 c water or vegetable stock
plain yogurt

In a small soup pot, saute the onion in oil until translucent. Add the chile and spices and saute another minute, stirring constantly. Add the tomato juice and water and simmer for about 20 minutes to blend the flavors.
Serve topped with a spoonful of yogurt.
Variation: For a more hearty cold-weather soup, add one cup of cooked rice while the soup is simmering.

Chilled Moroccan Tomato Soup

2 medium tomatoes, diced
1 stalk celery, minced
1 scallion, finely chopped
1 quart chilled tomato juice
1/4 c chilled orange juice
1 T olive oil (I'd use less)
1 garlic clove, minced or pressed
1 t ground cumin
1/2 t paprika
1/4 t cinnamon
2-3 T fresh lemon juice
Tabasco or other hot pepper sauce to taste

In a small saucepan or large refrigerator contained, combine the tomatoes, celery, scallions, tomato juice, and orange juice.
In a small skillet on low heat, warm the olive oil. Saute the garlic, cumin, paprika, and cinnamon for just a minute, being careful not to scorch them. Stir the spice mixture into the soup, and add lemon juice and Tabasco to taste. Serve immediately or refrigerate until ready to serve.

Per 8 oz. serving: 71 calories, 1.9 g protein, 2.8 g fat, 12.1 g carbohydrate, 562 mg sodium, 0 mg cholesterol

Tomato Bulgur Soup (this one sounds best to me!)

3 c vegetable stock
1 c finely chopped onions
1 c peeled and diced carrots
3/4 c diced celery
2 large garlic cloves, minced or pressed
1 t salt (you could leave this out)
1 t dried dill
1/2 t ground fennel
2 c undrained canned tomatoes, chopped (16 oz can)
1/4 c bulgur
ground black pepper to taste

In a large pot, combine the vegetable stock, onions, carrots, celery, garlic, salt, dill, and fennel. Bring to a boil, the reduce the heat, cover, and simmer gently for about 5 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes and their juice. Add the bulgur and mix well. Return to a boil and simmer, covered, for another 15 minutes, or until the bulgur is tender, stirring occasionally. Add pepper to taste.

Per 8 oz. serving: 78 calories, 2.9 g protein, .5 g fat, 17.2 g carbohydrates, .1 saturated fatty acids, .1 g polyunsaturated fatty acids, .1 g monounsaturated fatty acids, 0 mg cholesterol, 538 mg sodium, 3.4 total dietary fiber.

YUM. :-)

Friday, November 16, 2007

Friday stuff

As you can see from my headline today, I'm not feeling too creative. I'm sick enough that on a regular week (where I didn't have to deal with DB's surgery) I'd be home in bed getting better. But I'm not sick enough that I have to stay home so I'm at the office. I feel crappy though. Just getting by with over-the-counter decongestants and cough meds.

DB's surgery went very well -- the problem was not as severe as they thought so his healing time will hopefully be faster. He was very drugged up yesterday -- and he had a nerve block that even made his voice sound funny for a while, poor thing! It was hard not to laugh actually! He stayed in bed most of the rest of the day yesterday and overnight. Today he's up a little bit on a lot of drugs and we're headed to PT at 5 pm (he has to start up right away so the shoulder doesn't freeze up again).

DB kept saying to me yesterday "I'm so in love with you.", "I love you so much, Helen.", etc. The drugs made him mushy and I loved it. (P.S. He actually says this stuff all the time usually, just more frequently and emotionally yesterday.)

Probably due to SSO drinking and back to pretty regular exercise, I'm down 3 pounds this week. That was a nice surprise this morning because I have been good but not perfect with food this week.

Gotta get back to work...

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Nurse Helga

It's already started...DB is practicing being helpless. This morning he decided to get dressed with just one arm. He discovered that I had to button his pants and that he could not put on socks. LOL So I may be looking at several weeks of flip-flops, Uggs and sweatpants (if he had any!).

We go in for the surgery (arthroscopic for labral tear in shoulder) at 9 am. If it's anything like my arthroscopic surgery last year, we should be heading home by 1. And then the real fun will begin. ;-) We're stocked up on drugs from the doc. I'll be home tomorrow all day, but anticipate that he'll be sleeping most of the time so I'll be able to work at least a little.

It's gonna be hard to see him in pain like this...although he's been in pain for the past 5 months with this problem so at least there's an end in sight. And he has a sinus infection. And I am still fighting this cold (although I feel a bit better today, I still cancelled our dinner plans for tonight -- soup and bed sounds better). Maybe we'll spend tomorrow afternoon in bed together recuperating! ;-)

The food and exercise and SSO drinking has been good this week. After just a week, I find I do not miss the booze -- it's all about getting out of the habit. Same with food: we're having fish and a vegetable for dinner pretty much every week night and that feels good. We're watching post-dinner snacking. I'm finding it a little harder to go to sleep without the drinking, but hopefully that will get better as I can exercise more. And taking care of DB post-surgery will be exercise in more ways than one! He has been such an angel taking care of me post-TWO surgeries...I want to be as good for him as he was for me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Just what I don't need...

...woke up in the night with a coughy feel in my throat. Took ecchinacea. Woke up this morning still with coughy feeling and took more ecchinacea. Now I have sore throat and sneezy. I DO NOT NEED A COLD RIGHT NOW -- with DB's surgery on Thursday, me doing so well with The Weight and it's exercise night. :-(

I really REALLY hope I can kick this. Immediately.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Another Weekend Whirlwind

Why do weekends go by so quickly? I think there is an inverse relationship to the length of the prior week (my last week was loooong). ;-)

Had a friend over for dinner on Friday and I had some drinks and was surprised how fast I was DRUNK! just takes a week to lose all my tolerance, I guess. Not a bad thing. :-) Still doing well on the SSO (social/special occasion) drinking. Feels good to have a grip on that again.

Saturday I went shopping for some new Ugg-like shoes. Finally found some at a TJ Maxx (and a place I would never normally go, but I was scouring town!). I was trying to shop for some other stuff I need (work pants, skirts, bras), but I didn't manage to find anything. I told DB I thought I was SICK...I can always find something when I'm shopping!!! But I still feel so fat that I'm not really interested in trying anything on (having said that, I did find some great work pants -- Talbots -- at a thrift store yesterday for $1!).

DB was supposed to be home in plenty of time on Saturday for us to make a show in Hollywood at 8 pm (an old friend was in The Merchant of Venice). Of course, he and his crazy family do not communicate so his brother went out at 1 pm for "2 hours" and didn't get home until after 5 (and Nearby Town is, at best, an hour and a half away from our house...more like 2 hours...and Hollywood is, at best, an hour from us)!! I don't know why DB didn't just say to his brother "hey, I have to be out of here by 4:30 at the latest". We managed to hook up by driving in separate cars, but FOR GOD'S SAKE why can't his family TALK to each other about the simplest of things?! Grrrrr. We had a really good time though and...

It is great to have him home...very very VERY great. ;-)

Yesterday it was a wonderful rainy day and I had a ton of stuff I wanted to get done around the house before DB's surgery on Thursday. He is soooo ADD that he cannot was hilarious to watch, actually. ;-) We still managed to get all the boxes gone from his office. :-) It looks a lot better...good enough that people could be back there during our party in December...but it's still cluttered and I hope he works on that some this week too. I took two huge loads of stuff to Goodwill (ouch, my back!). I also was obsessively putting cds into my iTunes (I've sworn that I won't put cds away until they are in, so my whole office is stacked) and worked a bit on MY space upstairs (I think I can finish that next weekend so we're set for the party). We spent a lot of time going through some old photos of DB's and tossing loads of doubles...that was really fun. I so love the times that like when we are just doing something simple's special. :-) Then I did pilates, made dinner and we watched Dogtown and Z-Boys (a documentary that takes place in our neighborhood). Whew!!

My body is really sore today, but that's good...I like getting "inadvertent" exercise! :-)

Friday, November 9, 2007

Well, it worked...

...or something did! I am down over 2 pounds this week. So, it's either the New Regime or the fact that I actually exercised my "usual" number of days this week for the first time in a few months. I guess I have to stick with the New Regime now! ;-)

I still am about 6 pounds over what I was when I broke my that weight I was pretty comfortable and heading down...10 pounds below that and I'll be VERY comfortable.

Had a bad encounter with a mirror today...kind of took the glow away from the loss. But trying to balance bad mirror news and good scale news.

I'm also feeling a little bummed about the toe/foot situation. At the moment I can't wear any shoes except flip-flops (which are pretty chilly at this point) or Ugg-like boots. Needless to say, my usual office chic is a little hard to maintain with these restrictions.: much as I love Uggish boots, they don't really go with nice office dresses. And now I'm looking toward holiday parties...nice black tie dresses with Uggs. Ugh.

I'm also trying to replace some of my Ugg-ish boots and can't seem to find any for under $60 that are nice and cozy. I even have a friend who works at a big famous shoe company who got me their brand of Uggs, but they are hard and don't fit right over my toe so I wasted $22 on those -- anyone a size 10 who wants some nice Ugg-ish boots? ;-)

The REALLY good news is that DB is home tomorrow and then will be home for a whole month!! The past 4 weeks, he's really only been here for 1 week...he hasn't had any real chance to feel at HOME in our home. :-( But next week he has surgery on his shoulder and will be home for 4 weeks -- during which time we'll have our first Thanksgiving in our new house, our holiday/housewarming party, and lots of "pissing and moaning" from the patient. I can't wait!!!! :-)

Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Pumpkin Soup

As mentioned below, I want to share this pumpkin soup recipe...yum!

Serves 6 (I made 1/5 of this for me alone and it was a good amount)

2 lbs. pumpkin peeled, seeded & cubed (or 5 cups canned -- I used canned organic)
3 garlic cloves (I used crushed garlic from a jar)
2 onions, chopped
2-3 bay leaves
1/4 teaspoon marjoram
1/4 teaspoon celery seeds
2 fresh tomatoes, chopped (or 1 cup chopped canned tomatoes)
5 cups vegetable stock
1/3 cup dry white wine (just don't sip it if you're me!)
1 teaspoon honey
1 teaspoon cinnamon
salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste (I added this at the end)
1 cup heavy cream (I used non-fat half and half)

Place all the ingredients, except the cream, in a large saucepan. Simmer until the pumpkin is soft (or, if using canned pumpkin, until the onions are pretty soft). Remove the bay leaves.
Puree the mixture in a blender or food processor (let me get a plug in here for my Vita-mix...blender and food processor all in one and a great investment) in several batches (I only needed one since Vita-mix is big). Return the puree to the saucepan on low heat and gradually stir in the cream. Heat through but do not let the soup come to a boil.

YUM. It took me less than 1/2 hour to make this. Enjoy!

The Mirror in Balance (and how I feel)

I know how to look at myself in the mirror to look best. I know how to turn my torso a little to the right and look to the left and not see the real sideways me. I know how to look at my face so I see the left side, not the right. I know to let my eyes linger on my eyes, chest and lower legs (my best features, in my opinion). I know not to look at the front- or back-side of me full-on. If I am careful to look at myself in these ways I feel like I look ok.

But sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself without being careful. Sometimes I'll see myself in a plate-glass window as I walk by and I can't turn my torso just so. Sometimes I'll see a photo where I haven't been able to mask my deficiencies. And those are bad times. Because then I really SEE how much weight I have let myself gain.

I try not to focus on the reality in the mirror too much...that would be too depressing and I would never feel pretty. But I have to focus on the mirror at least somewhat or I will allow myself to keep thinking I look ok. It's a delicate balance.

In the meantime, I'm feeling pretty good this week (despite some toe pain -- the interior pins are starting to poke and OUCH). After tonight I will have gone more days without an alcoholic drink than I have gone in a good long time (I don't remember the last time I went 5 days without a drink...probably in 2003 or so) -- when I was doing WOW earlier this year, I was only "dry" 4 days a week. I feel good that I have been able to be disciplined in this way. My belly feels a little flatter, but not a lot. And that could be from some good regular pilates this week. But the scale tomorrow will show whether the New Regime has made a difference. And the truth is that I won't feel good unless this has made a difference (although I will need to be nice to me since tomorrow is the day my period is supposed to start so I might be bloaty).

[The pumpkin soup last night was delicious and super-simple -- I'll try to remember to post the recipe -- a great autumn dinner with a roll and salad (I skipped the salad actually).]

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Regime Change

So far, so good. I haven't had an alcoholic drink since Saturday night. I don't think I have eaten more because of cutting that out...I may have eaten less because I am not trying to soak up the booze with food so I don't get drunk. In general, I don't miss it that much...what I really like is having a drink by my side at all times...this week it's my Tropicana light lemonade instead of wine. And that's fine.

I don't feel any different waking up in the morning after a "clean" night. I actually think I'm not sleeping as well...lots of nightmares. But I'll get used to it and those will probably go away. At least I hope so...I had one about a werewolf chasing me and some friends last night...not fun with DB not there to turn to for comfort when I woke up! ;-)

I did really want a drink at one point last has been super-stressful the past couple of weeks since my colleague left our firm and so I've got more work volume. I had a bad day yesterday and just wanted a TREAT, damn it! But the treat had to be feeling virtuous for not drinking, taking a long walk with Doglet (well, long for me and my toe...about 18 blocks), doing pilates, having a salad for dinner and working on the evite for our housewarming party in December.

I've been thinking about The Weight more too. I realized last night that I didn't get on a scale for over 3 years...from the time I quit smoking in early 2003 until last autumn. And that is when the weight crept back like a squatter moving into an empty building. I know I've written about this before, but this is SO KEY to keeping the weight under control for me. I know that I needed to "step away from the scale" in 2003 in order to hold on to my quit, but I shouldn't have stayed away so long. It is too damn easy for the pounds to slip back on. And oh so hard to get them to go away again. :-( This week I'm actually weighing every weight fluctuates by 2 pounds or more's a good tool for me to be more aware of the scale.

I have also been looking in the mirror more (Vickie mentioned this today too)'s important for me to SEE what's really there...I have such a distorted image of myself...I either look fine or horrible to myself and neither of those is the reality right now. I felt fat even when I weighed a LOT less than I do now. And I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be able to just be....whatever weight I am. That is a very disturbing thought to me. I want to be able to relax and not be vigilant all the time...

Yes, Vickie, I do think the 3-month food delivery thing sounds like a worrying about what to eat and when because it will be prescribed by the program. BUT, when that three-month period is over (assuming I even get "cast"), then I will have to be very VERY careful with "real-life" eating. This is why I have always stayed away from weight-loss programs like Jenny Craig and fasting programs because there will be a point where I have to deal with real-life food and you don't learn how to do that on those programs. The way I have been most successful at keeping weight off is by changing my routine...eating right and exercising and making it a HABIT.

I have to get back to the consistently good eating and yoga (both for body and mind). When I sit and meditate or think all I see is how much more peaceful and fit (in all ways) I want to be again. Sigh...

Very discombobulated post today...just typing to think, I think...

Tonight I'm trying a recipe for a low-fat pumpkin soup and is a good way to occupy my evenings and concentrate on food in a PRODUCTIVE way. As long as I don't crack open that bottle to sip while I cook...

Monday, November 5, 2007

Maybe something exciting

There is a possibility that I will get to do a weight-loss infomercial where I get free food for three months and get to lose weight...cross your fingers! I will have details in a few days...keep checking in as this might be good for some of you who are in SoCal.

I've done really well with my new regime since Friday. I went over to a friend's on Saturday night (this was the one who was maybe going to be on Wednesday) so I had some wine. Not too much. And we had Souplantation for dinner so that was good. Yesterday I did have some sugar (my mom is staying with me because it's her birthday and she's got a real sweet tooth), but I had no alcohol. Same on tap (ha ha) for tonight. We're ordering in Indian and got a low-fat cake.

I made a scrumpdillicious dinner last night -- low fat and so satisfying: Asian fish in a packet. Got it from one of the Moosewood books and adapted it to remove a lot of the oil. It was super yum. I'll make it again. :-)

The rest of the week, I'll be going home each night and walking Doglet and doing pilates on Tuesday and Thursday and NO BOOZE. It helps to write it down. It's like a commitment or something. Truth is, I don't really miss the's just a matter of getting into the habit of not pouring that first glass every night. I'm a rut kind of person and that's one very bad rut!!!

Friday I have dinner with a friend. Saturday DB comes home! :-)

Friday, November 2, 2007

Being honest and not giving up

I left my last post up top on my blog for a whole week so I looked at it every day and thought about it a lot. Today when I weighed in, I was up a pound. So for the last three weeks that I have been back to weighing in, I am down less than a pound. At my weight, this is not losing, it's barely maintaining. Now maintaining is great...if you are at a comfortable weight. I am not. I am only 5 pounds less than I was last year when I saw The Horrible Number.

I've been thinking this week about what it will take to lose these 20 (or 30) pounds that I want to lose. I don't HAVE to lose them. I feel pretty healthy at the weight I am. I watch what I eat. I exercise (as much as I can with all my body issues!). But I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror...and photos? HORRIBLE.

Why do I WANT to lose these pounds then? Because I feel uncomfortable about how I look. Because eventually my overweightness might affect my health. But it's mostly about how I look. And that affects how I FEEL. I want to feel like I look beautiful and sexy again and, for me, that means I NEED to lose this weight.

How can I do this? Being honest, I really do eat and exercise well (not perfectly, but better than most people, I'll bet):

- breakfast during the week is low-fat granola with almond milk, on the weekend is usually a frittata with no-fat egg substitute and veggies and a little parmesan cheese and maybe one slice of bread with low-fat cream cheese;

- lunch during the week is usually a frozen meal less than 300 calories (usually no lunch on weekends or Taco Bell things that I tell them how to adapt so they are low fat and low cal);

- dinner during the week is usually fish and a salad or vegetable and sometimes a no- or low-fat dessert (often a no-fat meringue or two);

- weekends are less predictable, but I always take the low-fat choice when given one;

- I drink caffeine rarely;

- I drink lots of water and decaf green tea every day; and

- I exercise three times a week at least (except during The Frankentoe period): walking, biking, pilates, yoga.

So why am I not losing? I know the answer. It's my last "treat" and I'm so reluctant to give it up: wine (and occasional other spirits). I drink EVERY DAY. I drink too much because it tastes good. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I do think this is a problem and a habit that is proving very hard to break. (When I did WOW -- wine on weekends -- earlier this year, I was losing...slowly, but losing.) I think I have slowly worked my way up to this every-day drinking since I quit smoking almost five years ago. I used wine as a substitute for my evening cigarettes when I first quit smoking. And now I see it as my last treat. :-(

I'm not good at moderation of any kind. I am a person who needs to set pretty strict guidelines when it comes to indulgences or I get out of control. That is what happened with food, cigarettes and now alcohol. I have to set very strict guidelines for myself. WOW worked pretty well, but it didn't allow me to have flexibility that I want -- if I go out on a weeknight, I want to be able to have a drink with my friends. So what I have been thinking about this week is a new regime: no drinking except when it's a social/special occasion. A social/special occasion is not being at home, cooking dinner and eating with DB. It is not having a bad day and wanting a "treat" when I get home. It is not making sure friends come over every night so I have an excuse. It is watching, being careful, and paying attention to when I'm satisfied (another theme I've been thinking about this week as you will see from my last comment on my last post). This requires real vigilance for me...I've always live a "if some is good, more is better" philosophy. My new philosophy needs to be closer to "Some is good. More isn't." (Yeah, I know it's not exactly catchy, but I'm not feeling very fun and creative today...just honest and serious.)

So, in the coming week, what will I do? (I have to plan ahead...I do this with food all the time.) Tonight we are going out with friends and that is an acceptable drinking environment. Tomorrow night I will be home alone. Not acceptable drinking environment anymore. Sunday through Tuesday, my mom will be with me (DB is in Nearby Town next week) and she doesn't drink so that's not an acceptable drinking environment anymore. Tuesday and Thursday I will be home alone. Ditto above. Wednesday I may have dinner with a friend -- marginally acceptable drinking environment. Friday and Saturday I have social engagements -- acceptable drinking environment.

If I stick to this (which I fully intend to), let's see what the scale says next week. It's a new regime of honesty and of not giving up...I'll bet I'll be writing a lot more as (as Cindy says) things "are revealed".