Being honest and not giving up

I left my last post up top on my blog for a whole week so I looked at it every day and thought about it a lot. Today when I weighed in, I was up a pound. So for the last three weeks that I have been back to weighing in, I am down less than a pound. At my weight, this is not losing, it's barely maintaining. Now maintaining is great...if you are at a comfortable weight. I am not. I am only 5 pounds less than I was last year when I saw The Horrible Number.

I've been thinking this week about what it will take to lose these 20 (or 30) pounds that I want to lose. I don't HAVE to lose them. I feel pretty healthy at the weight I am. I watch what I eat. I exercise (as much as I can with all my body issues!). But I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror...and photos? HORRIBLE.

Why do I WANT to lose these pounds then? Because I feel uncomfortable about how I look. Because eventually my overweightness might affect my health. But it's mostly about how I look. And that affects how I FEEL. I want to feel like I look beautiful and sexy again and, for me, that means I NEED to lose this weight.

How can I do this? Being honest, I really do eat and exercise well (not perfectly, but better than most people, I'll bet):

- breakfast during the week is low-fat granola with almond milk, on the weekend is usually a frittata with no-fat egg substitute and veggies and a little parmesan cheese and maybe one slice of bread with low-fat cream cheese;

- lunch during the week is usually a frozen meal less than 300 calories (usually no lunch on weekends or Taco Bell things that I tell them how to adapt so they are low fat and low cal);

- dinner during the week is usually fish and a salad or vegetable and sometimes a no- or low-fat dessert (often a no-fat meringue or two);

- weekends are less predictable, but I always take the low-fat choice when given one;

- I drink caffeine rarely;

- I drink lots of water and decaf green tea every day; and

- I exercise three times a week at least (except during The Frankentoe period): walking, biking, pilates, yoga.

So why am I not losing? I know the answer. It's my last "treat" and I'm so reluctant to give it up: wine (and occasional other spirits). I drink EVERY DAY. I drink too much because it tastes good. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I do think this is a problem and a habit that is proving very hard to break. (When I did WOW -- wine on weekends -- earlier this year, I was losing...slowly, but losing.) I think I have slowly worked my way up to this every-day drinking since I quit smoking almost five years ago. I used wine as a substitute for my evening cigarettes when I first quit smoking. And now I see it as my last treat. :-(

I'm not good at moderation of any kind. I am a person who needs to set pretty strict guidelines when it comes to indulgences or I get out of control. That is what happened with food, cigarettes and now alcohol. I have to set very strict guidelines for myself. WOW worked pretty well, but it didn't allow me to have flexibility that I want -- if I go out on a weeknight, I want to be able to have a drink with my friends. So what I have been thinking about this week is a new regime: no drinking except when it's a social/special occasion. A social/special occasion is not being at home, cooking dinner and eating with DB. It is not having a bad day and wanting a "treat" when I get home. It is not making sure friends come over every night so I have an excuse. It is watching, being careful, and paying attention to when I'm satisfied (another theme I've been thinking about this week as you will see from my last comment on my last post). This requires real vigilance for me...I've always live a "if some is good, more is better" philosophy. My new philosophy needs to be closer to "Some is good. More isn't." (Yeah, I know it's not exactly catchy, but I'm not feeling very fun and creative today...just honest and serious.)

So, in the coming week, what will I do? (I have to plan ahead...I do this with food all the time.) Tonight we are going out with friends and that is an acceptable drinking environment. Tomorrow night I will be home alone. Not acceptable drinking environment anymore. Sunday through Tuesday, my mom will be with me (DB is in Nearby Town next week) and she doesn't drink so that's not an acceptable drinking environment anymore. Tuesday and Thursday I will be home alone. Ditto above. Wednesday I may have dinner with a friend -- marginally acceptable drinking environment. Friday and Saturday I have social engagements -- acceptable drinking environment.

If I stick to this (which I fully intend to), let's see what the scale says next week. It's a new regime of honesty and of not giving up...I'll bet I'll be writing a lot more as (as Cindy says) things "are revealed".