Friday, June 20, 2008

Surprising weigh-in today

Update: NO CAST!! I have a microfracture of my wrist a/k/a "bone bruise" so I get to keep my hard brace and NO CAST. I am SO happy...was dreading how to take showers with a cast...and, most importantly, having to decide what color to get! ;-)

Although I had two beers on Wednesday night (bad hormonal day), I somehow still managed to lose this week: over 3 pounds!! Maybe the long walk I took with Doglet (also on Wednesday night) and eating not much more than the 2 beers that night balanced it out. But a three-pound week is surprising...especially with hormone stuff going on. Like some weeks when I don't lose or stay the same, I really can't figure out for sure what happened this week (maybe less muscle mass because I'm not doing 4 arm weight machines at the gym?), but I'll take it! ;-)

I'm also continuing to be baffled by my perception when I look in the mirror. While after 27 plus pounds lost, my clothes are obviously either fitting much better or are falling off, I seem to SEE more fat on my body than I did 27 pounds ago. I am bothered by the bumpy skin hanging under my arms, the bumpiness on my belly (even though I can see muscles again -- yay!), the looseness of my thighs and butt. I don't remember focusing on this before and I don't think I did. I think it's part of how I (we?) deal with our heaviness -- I didn't let myself really SEE it. If I did, I would have been SO depressed.

While this not-seeing is not good because it probably contributed significantly to my getting bigger than I should have been, it is also a symptom of my general lack of ability to accurately/truthfully perceive my body, period. When I was super-thin (that brief shining moment!) I still thought I was "fat". Then when I was "fat", I didn't see how fat I was. This is a problem and I'm not entirely sure how to address it/fix it. But what I'm trying to really appreciate this time is that, while I may see those smaller "flaws" a lot more now, I look good NOW. That doesn't mean that I don't want to lose a little more weight and that I won't look even better then (to a super-thin time, as photos attest, I did NOT look better). But it does mean that I look GOOD today. At this weight. In these clothes. I look healthy.

Well, except for the brace on my wrist... ;-)

Had an MRI yesterday and will hopefully get the results today. Crossing my fingers that I don't need a cast, but something IS wrong in there. If it's not the break that my doc thinks, I may get away with the brace for the remainder of the healing time.

Tonight I'm going to see a performance of The Who's Tommy. A friend from college who is having quite a successful theatrical career is starring. I haven't seen her in FOREVER, but I will get in touch with her afterwards. :-)

I'm looking forward to going shopping tomorrow with DB's daughter (Pretend Daughter, PD)...I'm buying her a dress for some special upcoming festivities: her best friend's 30th birthday tomorrow, her OWN 30th birthday next Saturday and a wedding in a few weeks. Mostly I'm looking forward to spending time with HER. I love PD. :-) Oh yeah, and we're getting a pedicure and brow wax too... ;-)

Most of all, I'm looking forward to DB coming HOME on Sunday. I have missed him so much.


Vickie said...

I totally understand the body image thing - and I think it is probably typical of most of US.

And it is exactly as you say - it doesn't matter if you are UP or DOWN - the distortion is still there.

Reminding yourself of how clothes fit is a help. I have days that I am more distorted than others - and sometimes have to say - I can't suddenly BE fat - because the same clothes still fit that fit yesterday when I didn't feel fat.

Tape measure can help some people - like the scale helps others.

The right clothes and Good underwear can help a lot. Because no matter what size you are - the wrong clothes will make you feel terrible. the right clothes do wonders. I realized that I am not being picky enough about clothes because I just found a dress that was PERFECT and the standard for everything in my closet should be just that high too.

I have to be really careful about who I compare myself to - like 20 somethings or professional personal trainers, etc. If I compare myself to other late 40's and have had babies women - it is more fair/accurate.

I have really been struggling as middle child's friends are in the process of hitting their adult bodies. As their bodies "womanize" - normal looks fat to me when I see them for the first time - I remember their little girl bodies - and mentally have trouble adjusting to their woman bodies. (part of it is their low rider jeans)

I am realizing how distorted body images are.

My mom commented about another mom that (according to my mom's perception) was so much bigger than I am - and I knew that mom was actually a lot smaller than I am - but since she is shorter than I am - she appears bigger.

I don't feel weird about pictures (anymore) - but I might feel very weird about being on TV - as that is so distorting. I don't feel odd anywhere that I go. I go to the pool in just my suit with no cover up and don't think a thing about it.

My size - is my size - MOST of the time. But every once in a while - something throws my perception off for a while.

Vickie said...

email me the college friend's name - curious to know. I can think of one that it might be - I have seen her in a few shows.

Laura N said...

I understand, too, about the body image thing. Vickie said it all very well.

Yay for no cast! And for 3 pounds down! Yes, that scale can be a mighty mystery. DH is on NutriSystem now (I think he's on day 6) and last night we had pizza. Yesterday morning he was up 1 pound, today he is down 2 pounds. After pizza and no workout. Weird.

Have a great time shopping & with your PD and at the show. Sounds like a lovely weekend.