Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Regime Change

So far, so good. I haven't had an alcoholic drink since Saturday night. I don't think I have eaten more because of cutting that out...I may have eaten less because I am not trying to soak up the booze with food so I don't get drunk. In general, I don't miss it that much...what I really like is having a drink by my side at all times...this week it's my Tropicana light lemonade instead of wine. And that's fine.

I don't feel any different waking up in the morning after a "clean" night. I actually think I'm not sleeping as well...lots of nightmares. But I'll get used to it and those will probably go away. At least I hope so...I had one about a werewolf chasing me and some friends last night...not fun with DB not there to turn to for comfort when I woke up! ;-)

I did really want a drink at one point last night...work has been super-stressful the past couple of weeks since my colleague left our firm and so I've got more work volume. I had a bad day yesterday and just wanted a TREAT, damn it! But the treat had to be feeling virtuous for not drinking, taking a long walk with Doglet (well, long for me and my toe...about 18 blocks), doing pilates, having a salad for dinner and working on the evite for our housewarming party in December.

I've been thinking about The Weight more too. I realized last night that I didn't get on a scale for over 3 years...from the time I quit smoking in early 2003 until last autumn. And that is when the weight crept back like a squatter moving into an empty building. I know I've written about this before, but this is SO KEY to keeping the weight under control for me. I know that I needed to "step away from the scale" in 2003 in order to hold on to my quit, but I shouldn't have stayed away so long. It is too damn easy for the pounds to slip back on. And oh so hard to get them to go away again. :-( This week I'm actually weighing every day...my weight fluctuates by 2 pounds or more often...it's a good tool for me to be more aware of the scale.

I have also been looking in the mirror more (Vickie mentioned this today too)...it's important for me to SEE what's really there...I have such a distorted image of myself...I either look fine or horrible to myself and neither of those is the reality right now. I felt fat even when I weighed a LOT less than I do now. And I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be able to just be....whatever weight I am. That is a very disturbing thought to me. I want to be able to relax and not be vigilant all the time...

Yes, Vickie, I do think the 3-month food delivery thing sounds like a vacation...no worrying about what to eat and when because it will be prescribed by the program. BUT, when that three-month period is over (assuming I even get "cast"), then I will have to be very VERY careful with "real-life" eating. This is why I have always stayed away from weight-loss programs like Jenny Craig and fasting programs because there will be a point where I have to deal with real-life food and you don't learn how to do that on those programs. The way I have been most successful at keeping weight off is by changing my routine...eating right and exercising and making it a HABIT.

I have to get back to the consistently good eating and yoga (both for body and mind). When I sit and meditate or think all I see is how much more peaceful and fit (in all ways) I want to be again. Sigh...

Very discombobulated post today...just typing to think, I think...

Tonight I'm trying a recipe for a low-fat pumpkin soup and salad...cooking is a good way to occupy my evenings and concentrate on food in a PRODUCTIVE way. As long as I don't crack open that bottle to sip while I cook...

2 comments:

Cindy164 said...

At some point in my weight fighting years I threw away my scales, I think it was in fall of 2005 when I moved. I did not get a scale until July of 06 when I decided to start over. During the no scale time I think I lost and kept off ten pounds, but I needed to get a scale again to stay in reality. It was too easy for me to not pay attention. But, I was able to use the scale just to measure and not to beat myself up. Me and the scale have been through a lot together, breakups and such. I may not be making any sense. Anyway I liked your post. Keep us posted...

Lori said...

I am proud of you for sticking to your program. I'm sorry to say that I have not been entering my calories on my spreadsheet like I envisioned.

Self-image. Jesus. How do we quit this? Where's the fine line of being realistic and being ugly? Why can't we be satisfied?

BTW, Jillian says to chew gum or have mints when you're cooking to keep you from tasting the food and it may work with the wine cravings too.