Next year I think we need 2 weeks ski vacation!!

I can't believe it's Thursday already! Today is our one day off skiing. DB and one of our friends both had bad accidents yesterday and are hurting and trying to heal today so they can get back up on skis. I took the day off to let my knees rest...and to hit the outlet mall! ;-) Hopefully the weather will be nice tomorrow and Sat. so we can ski more. :-) It's gorgeous here...GORGEOUS. I wish we could stay for two weeks. I probably haven't lost any weight, but 4-5 hours skiing a day, not to mention just WALKING in ski boots is exercise keeps my clothes fitting while indulging A LITTLE for vacation. Our best days include a good hearty breakfast, slopes by 11 at the latest, dinner at 4 and just snacks after that. It feels like a really healthy way to live!

Ski update

It was 14 degrees when we started skiing his morning at 10. Today was a glorious sunny day until it started to snow about 3...we skied for many hours (no breaks because we wanted to take advantage...well, I took one 10 minute break to warm up) and I did a header into a snow back, (because I was full of myself and doing so well that I tried a run that was a little too hard without DB skiing it first to let me know if I could) but otherwise had a fantastic day (even the fall was kind of fantastic...it was a SPECTACULAR fall!). ;-) Tonight snowing...hopefully beautiful again tomorrow...it will be our fourth day in a row on the slopes if so!! But if it's storming...we won't be as nuts as yesterday!!! ;-) Ow, my body is so sore and I'm worried I blew out a knee, toe or back today by trying the run that was too much for me (in my MIND...skiing is SO much in the mind...my body can do it)...but I love this kind of vacation...physical activity until about 4, then early dinner, rest, hanging out, RELAXING. It's unbelievably great for me...and before DB I never had vacations like this (even though I always wanted to ski)...he has opened up this exciting amazing new world for me!! :-) I am a happy and lucky (and sore) woman. ;-)

Winter Storm a/k/a BLIZZARD!

Quick check-in:

It's beautiful here...great skiing day yesterday...it's amazing that every single muscle in my body is sore...what a GREAT exercise!! But today we tried to ski in a blizzard...we all made one run down the bunny slope and were DONE. Hard to ski when you can't see 5 feet in front of you and the snow is so deep you can't slide!! ;-) Then DB and I went to the grocery store (thinking we might be snowed in later)...in our ski boots (we couldn't get to the condo to change shoes and be sure we would be able to drive out again...like I said...blizzard!). Walking in ski boots is almost as good exercise as skiing! ;-) Hopefully tomorrow will be better for skiing, but today was good for relaxing. :-)

Vacation...All I Ever Wanted! (with thanks to Go-Gos)

I'm totally and completely stressed out in preparation to leave for vacation tomorrow, but wanted to drop in here quickly with some updates and rants...

Weigh-in today SUCKED. I am down 0.4 only. This is inexplicable. I ate and drank nearly perfectly all week (after weekend, of course, but I wasn't really BAD then either) and exercised my butt off (well, apparently not). My clothes feel good, I think I'm looking better due to exercise if nothing else and I'm only down a measly .4?! What the FUCK?! I am really really frustrated. And I know I'll not be perfect next week with vacation so I only hope to counterbalance it with the exercise from skiing. I know that I could lose more weight and faster if I were more perfect, but I honestly believe in eating in a way that's sustainable long-term and I don't have much more I can cut out that I will be able to maintain long-term. :-( And I look at DB who is 9 years older than me, doesn't do any formal exercise and eats a bag of chips a day often. Maybe it's because he's a few inches taller, but it really bugs me...

And his theory about the Ski Coat Fiasco is that manufacturers don't make bigger women's sizes because there is no demand...how is there supposed to be a fucking demand when no one larger than a size 14 can get the ski gear to learn to ski and create the demand?! Oh man, I am still so mad about this. He actually laughed about it. I almost cried. He will never understand this. And I'm happy for him that he won't...that means he doesn't have to go through the pain, humiliation and disappointment that I do/have.

I did manage to find a nice XL women's ski coat that cost a fortune, but DB will buy it for me for my birthday. So anyway...

Crazy busy here at work getting ready to go away. My pending list of projects is almost 10 pages long. I'm extra nervous going away this time because my colleague who used to take up the slack when I went away (and I did for her) left the firm back in October and our new person is not up to speed yet enough to really be a help. But my bosses are amazing...and I'll have my cell phone on the ski slopes (and ability to work by computer if a total absolute emergency -- which is unfortunately possible as one of our major artists is in the middle of a huge project -- why does this always happen when I'm going on vacation?!).

Congrats to Vickie's class for all getting up in the wonderful wheel pose...supported counts! :-)

I'll miss my gym and yoga while I'm gone (although I will try to do SOME yoga on my own), but skiing is at least SOME exercise. I'm excited to get to the snow!!! And DB's birthday is Saturday and mine on February 4...lots of birthday action around here!!! :-)

I may check in a little while we're going (we have wifi at the condo) but, in the meantime, I'll miss everyone...be good! :-)

Fantastic exercise weekend with a "but"

I exercised all three days this weekend and my body feels it and it feels GOOD. I love how exercise makes me more aware of different muscles in my body. I love how it makes me feel aware, period.

Saturday I went to the gym, Sunday to yoga and yesterday to the gym. I also walked Doglet on Saturday and Sunday (short walks, but still) and spent three hours on my feet walking around an outlet mall yesterday!

The "but": I drank too much. Not only does this result in more calories from the alcohol, but I tend to snack more too. NOT good. :-( I'm struggling with finding a "treat" that is not food or drink because somehow I really think I deserve it or need it. Bea wrote something recently that I copied and have been thinking about because I relate to it SO much: "I resented (and resent) not being able to function as a child. I resented (and resent) having to comfort rather than be comforted. In never receiving comfort I never learned how to comfort myself. I stumbled onto the anesthetic powers of food early. I have held on tightly ever since." This resonated tremendously with me...it's food or drink for me now...used to be cigarettes. But it's always SOMEthing that I see as a treat that I feel I need or deserve for whatever reason. And it's really hard for me to fight past that...somehow my desire to lose weight is not stronger than the pull for this "comfort". At least not yet. This is something I'm working through in my head and I'm sure I'll blog more about it during that process, but this is the beginning of that.

In getting ready for a banquet tonight in honor of one of our partners (where one of my favorite artists, Tom Waits, will be performing) and pre-ski trip, I did quite a bit of shopping this weekend. Bought some new ski pants, long underwear and turtlenecks. Then DB and I went looking for a new ski coat (the one I have is probably not warm enough for how cold it will be in Utah). Unfortunately, I am apparently at least an XL in women's ski coats and we didn't find almost ANY in two stores we went to. I liked a couple of the men's coats (where I wear a large), but DB said they looked "masculine". I felt really really bad that I am so fat that I end up having to wear clothese that look masculine to him. :-( I know he didn't mean to make me feel bad and was just being honest and I really do not blame him for me feeling bad. I just am ultra sensitive about my size right now.

I'm really ANGRY that there aren't more larger ski coats for women (and pants too, by the way...VERY hard to find large ones). There is no reason larger women can't ski (they have XL and XXL MEN's sizes all over the place). But without the appropriate gear, you really can't. And if you can't even find any clothes that fit then you can't go. It makes me very sad because I'm a size 12 or 14 in most clothes and that is NOT so huge that a person can't ski (or do anything else) for God's sake!!!! Grrrrrrr. Very upset about this. I'm headed out to look for a ski coat at lunchtime today and hope to have more positive results.

DB is back (yay!) and I am so happy to see his beautiful face every day again (even though he has a cold and we can't kiss on the lips for fear I'll get sick pre-vacation)!!! So that's the positive note to end on (inspired by Vickie's and Ann's posts today). :-)

Another Friday, Another Weigh-in

Today I am down a whopping 1.6 pounds. This sure doesn't seem like much from all the exercise and good eating and drinking I've been doing (and not doing). But I guess I should be happy I'm not UP. And I am. Plus my body FEELS like a greater loss....hopefully more toned due to the exercise. It really SUCKS how much easier it is to put ON the weight than it is to take it off...

Last night I even went 5 minutes longer than usual on the elliptical...from huffing and puffing at level 1 just about 10 days ago, I'm now up to level 3 and have to really work to break a sweat. This makes me happy. And I still love my gym and look forward to going so that is great too. In fact, I'm loving it so much and getting a little worried that there is almost no one there ever...worrying that that might CLOSE if they don't get more business. Or maybe their business is more in the morning and I always go after work...who knows?

Tonight I pick up my correct-sized wetsuit and I am very excited...maybe I'll jump in the ocean this weekend?! Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's to have brunch and help out with some things she needs done, then to the gym. Sunday is yoga and shopping for warmer clothes for our upcoming ski trip. Monday I'm supposed to go skiing locally, but I think I'll bag out of it -- getting up when it's dark is not for me as I was reminded this morning when I had to get up early for a doctor appointment about The Toe.

Oh yeah, The Toe...well, the doc removed the final pin today that was moving out so hurting. I also had a needle aspiration to see if there's an infection in there (crossing fingers not). Since I had a little incision today I have to go back on Thursday to make sure it's healed enough for me to hot tub the next week when we're skiing. Yes, another reason maybe I shouldn't ski this coming Monday. I think I should go to the outlet mall to shop instead... ;-)

DB is back on Sunday. I'm really missing him. But he got sick yesterday so I'm hoping his germs are dead by the time he's home...I don't want to be sick on vacation!!!!!!!

Have a good long weekend, everyone!

P.S. to Lori: I don't keep a food log. My philosophy is that that is something I would never do on a long-term basis. When I'm losing weight I'm not "on a diet", I'm "changing my diet" and look at what I'm doing as a long-term, not temporary thing. This worked when I lost the "big weight". I tried the log when I first started losing last year (I was going to say "trying to lose", but I have been losing...and gaining back) and it just didn't stick with me. I'm pretty sure I'm not fooling myself...I know what I eat (and drink) that's "bad"...and I just have to minimize it even more.

Committing myself

And, no, I don't mean to an institution although some days I wonder... ;-)

I am making a big commitment in time and money to fitness over the next few months. In addition to joining my oh-so-expensive gym, I have just committed to an additional 10 private yoga sessions that will run weekly starting in February when my current set of sessions expires. As you all can imagine, this is REALLY expensive. I don't even want to say how much. But it's equal to more than 4 months of my gym membership (which, of course, I'll continue to pay). Not to mention the time that I am committing...once every weekend...which means no weekend trips (except one to NYC in early March that I've already scheduled).

I feel really silly having been writing here for over a year and sitting here weighing not much (if any) less than I did when I started. I certainly can't call myself a "weight loss blogger" now can I? NO. And that's ok, because this blog has given and continues to give me a place to air my frustrations with my weight and the struggles with it as well as other frustrations and joys.

If I don't lose substantially over the next three months with all the exercise I have planned and by continuing my efforts to eat right, then I'm going to have to take a long very hard look AGAIN at what's going on.

When I lost my "big weight" starting in February 1994, I remember the weight just coming off as long as I didn't eat a bag of Doritos for dinner with a Haagen Daaz pint dessert (I can't believe it, but that is not a joke) and as long as I was vigilant about exercise (I went every other day religiously for years).

I know I haven't been able to be vigilant like I would like to be about exercise for the past year or so due to knee and toe issues. And that really sucks. But now I have to figure out how I am going to exercise WITH these challenges (and, God forbid, any future ones). (Yes, Frankentoe is irritating me this week -- the final pin is starting to push itself out and OUCH! I have a doctor appointment Friday to aspirate the infection in there and I'm hoping the doc will be able to get that pin OUT too.)

And, while I think I've been "good" most of the time with food, I haven't been great. And I have struggled with cutting back on the alcohol too (although I seem to do well during the week and/or if I don't START...kind of same with food...I'm planning a post one of these days soon about my addictive personality because I've been thinking a lot about that lately since I've had troubles with smoking, food and drinking in my time). But for the past few weeks since the new year began, I have been bordering on great with all of it. (Not perfect. Never perfect. I don't even want to be perfect because I want treats sometimes or life is boring!) And the scale, so far, is not moving.

Yes, OK, I am not letting myself get discouraged. I do like feeling hungry during the day rather than grabbing something the minute I'm not full. And I love feeling my body get used to exercise again (I feel like that's happening very fast actually...my endurance on the elliptical is exponentially better than it was just last week.)

So that's my weight loss commitment today...hopefully since it involves cash and time I'll be able to really make some progress. The one good thing about an addictive personality is that it works for good stuff too -- once I get in a habit of eating right and exercising, I'm pretty good about maintaining as long as I don't "fall off the wagon".

In other news...American Idol is back...YAY! And, most importantly, only four more sleeps until DB is home again. :-)

Laughing and crying

Do you like laughing? Well, I do and I got a great chance to do it last night and I think it's actually good exercise!!! Eddie Izzard (the funniest person on the planet) is doing a series of stand-up gigs at a small theatre in L.A. to work on material. Through Goldstar (which I love) I got to see him at at 10 pm show last night! He was HILARIOUS...non-stop laughing for over an hour and a half is good belly exercise...my tummy hurts today...or maybe it was the yoga yesterday? Who knows, but I am going to SAY it was the laughter. :-)

I also saw Juno (funny, sweet) on Saturday night...a few more laughs.

As to crying...I really could have when I went to put on some pants to go out last night that are some of my favorites and...they didn't fit! Somehow I am getting bigger despite good eating and excellent exercise (gym on Saturday...I didn't want to leave! -- and yoga yesterday -- less sore today than last week, but still was a toughie). This is depressing. But I'm not going to give up. No sirree! I'm just gonna hope next Friday's weigh-in is better and, even more important, that my clothes feel more comfy. Tonight I'm cooking a healthy fish/fennel dish with Brussels sprouts for dinner then settling in with Netflix. Tomorrow...GYM.

Hanging on to the NSV

It looks like this week I'll have to really learn patience and to hang on to those non-scale victories. I was really hoping this morning to see the scale moving back into happier territory after my good eating and excellent exercising. No such luck. In fact, if I hadn't done the unusual weigh-in the middle of this week I would have been REALLY REALLY challenged to stick with being "good": I am UP .8 from last Friday...but DOWN 2.4 from mid-week. I hate hate HATE these fluctuations. :-(

HOWEVER. I have had a lot of NSV this week:

- Three days of HARD exercise (one yoga, two gym). My body really FEELS good and I luxuriate in that.
- With the exception of a couple of glasses of wine on Wednesday, I have not been bad with food or booze at ALL. Well, the two helpings of shisito peppers for dinner last Sunday...maybe...but they were VEGGIES (and they flowed right through my system -- if you get my drift)
- I have pants on today that I bought two years ago at this time. While maybe not a victory that I'm not smaller, it's a big victory that I'm not bigger (and I have been in those two years)!
- Muscles weigh more than fat, right? So maybe, just maybe I'm smaller than last week...

Sigh...

I am not really discouraged though...I really LIKE moving my body more "normally" (for me) and I can't wait for gym and yoga this weekend...I love the "sore" feeling in my muscles...I can FEEL them again! :-)

Which is a good thing because DB has to leave for Nearby Town tomorrow for eight days to take care of his parents. He's been home non-stop for 2 months and that's a first for over a year at least. I am spoiled now...I really LIKE him being there when I get home at night and going to sleep and waking up to see his sweet face. But the week after he gets back, we're off to Utah to ski so we can make up for lost time! :-)

I have filled up my social calendar for the weekend (and next week) too...not to mention that I need to put all the Xmas boxes which are stacked up in DB's office under the house...I'll have plenty to keep my busy!

New Gym

Wow, the New Gym is really BEAUTIFUL. There are abstract paintings on the wall, everything is new, the machines are smooth, it's not crowded and the people are nice. I guess it's worth the extra dough! ;-)

Had a great workout tonight -- fun trying new machines and a new kind of elliptical called the Wave which goes kind of sideways instead of straight front to back.

The soreness from yoga on Sunday is gone. Hopefully it will get better each week...I'm looking forward to finding out what happens...and if I'm sore tomorrow in different places!

I've been good with food and drink and was shocked to see my weight up today when I did a little aberration mid-week weigh-in...then my period started and I heaved a sigh of relief! At least some lbs. should be gone by Friday weigh-in. :-) At least they had better be!!

Sore

Oh man, am I out of yoga-shape. Every muscle in my body aches today! I can't believe I let myself get so out of yoga-shape. But I sure am happy and excited to get back to it...or I will be as soon as I can lift my coffee cup without an "ouch". ;-)

Anyone who thinks yoga is easy or not good exercise should be in my body today...and I'm not even as out of yoga-shape as most people per my teacher!

Getting moving again

Since I've decided/realized that I cannot lose this weight without it, yesterday I joined a new gym. It's a lot more per month than my last gym, but it is REALLY nice (beautiful new machines, gorgeous locker room, free towels and parking!) and I can quit any time. It's also super convenient -- I can take my gym stuff with me to work, stop there on the way home, work out and be home by 7:45 at the latest. I can't wait to start! :-)

Then, this morning, I went to my first private yoga practice with my old teacher. (Funny side story...she's from my hometown, went on a special program to France when in high school that only 30 kids from my home state each year were chosen for that I also went on another year and we met at a tiny yoga studio in L.A....I also was her "greeter" at her first Burning Man last year...the chances of this happening are about a zillion to one...small world!) It was wonderful. Wonderful. It was the kind of tough, challenging, GREAT practice I used to be used to. The big difference now is that I am WAY out of yoga shape. This is hard to confront, but I have to do it in order to get back. Having said that, I still can do a lot of things and my teacher is excellent at working with my injuries and challenges. She knows SO much about so much and applies all of it to her teaching. I almost cried in savasana, I was so happy (and dripping with sweat and feeling ALIVE).

I have two more Sundays that I have already paid for with her. I asked her today how much her usual fee is (I got these three on a special) and she gives a discount if you buy 10 sessions up front. While it's a LOT of money, I am SERIOUSLY considering doing this: going to new gym 3 days a week and buying 10 sessions with her and doing yoga on Sundays with her. The yoga would be something I really would look forward to...

The truth that I realized today is that while I CAN do yoga at home, it is not the same as doing it with another person/people...the collective energy really makes a difference to me. The problem is that there are no yoga studios close to my home, that do the kind of yoga practice I want to do, that have times that are conducive to me at this point. I think giving the gift of my teacher to me for a few months would really help me...not only does my body feel better after just one time, my spirit does too. The Yoga Glow is undeniable...and I want more of it!

Since I got home from yoga, I have been working on getting Christmas stuff put away and doing other projects around the house (DB is working today although he did put up my snazzy new spice racks in the kitchen and now my spices are all accessible and alphabetized -- such luxury, I've never had the space for that before!).

After I finish this post, I'm going to take down the aluminum tree, then take Doglet for a quick walk down to the beach...the wind has been so strong with the storms out here that we can actually hear the ocean crashing from our front yard (unusual) and I want to see it.

P.S. Saw Walk Hard last night and laughed our heads off...very funny if you like Judd Apatow-type silly movies (not as funny as Superbad to me though), and/or love music/know a lot about the music business and history. We really enjoyed it.

Yoga DVDs

As requested by Vickie, here's the one I've been using:

Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss

and here's my all-time favorite:

Yoga Mind and Body

I recommend both...although neither is as good as a real live class!

The bad news and the good news

The bad news: I'm up again this week, but only a tiny bit. And I deserve it. This week I really let go and said "oh well, I've already gained, what's a little more?'. BAD plan. And I've got to watch that tendency to let myself off the hook.

The good news: I weigh less than I did last year on this date. Not much, but less. Next year, I hope I can say it's quite a bit less. And I got back on the eating right wagon again big time yesterday and I feel good.

I have been thinking a lot about food/weight/holidays. When I was thinner, I made sure that I stayed with my workout routine regularly over the holidays and I maintained. While I did continue to do my yoga, I didn't do it as often the past couple of weeks. I am sure that exercise is the key thing that I need to get heavily back into in order to successfully lose.

Soo...what am I going to do? On Sunday, I start my first of three private yoga sessions with an old teacher of mine (Christmas present from me to me). While I'd love to be able to do only yoga and lose the weight because that is the exercise that I actually LIKE and look forward to, I'm afraid that might not be possible so I'm going to check out a new gym near me and see about joining...after I get the weight moving off, I can go back to only yoga.

Speaking of yoga, I've been doing the Yoga Conditioning for Weight Loss DVD that I got from Netflix and really like it a lot as a starting point to get me back into my yoga-jockitude. She really works those problem areas (for me, hips, thighs and waist) and holds poses for a good enough time (most yoga videos do not). I've now bought it. Have any of you tried this one? I find it so hard to find good yoga DVDs...the only other good one is the Ali McGraw/Erich Schiffman one that is over 10 years old but, in my opinion, still the best of all for my kind of practice.

Speaking of Netflix -- we watched Superbad last night. HILARIOUS. (Warning -- super raunchy!) Could I love Michael Cera any more? I don't think so. He cracks me up so much!

Have a good weekend everyone!

Today is someone's birthday!

And in our family, that someone is DB's newest (and fifth and very very probably last) grandchild. :-) She is a girl, 7 lbs., 19 inches and BEAUTIFUL beyond words. We zoomed up to the hospital after she was born this morning and got to spend most of the afternoon with her, her mommy and daddy and her big sister. We got home this evening and went out to a special dinner to celebrate this special birthday and my special sweetheart...the best grandfather in the world!

OK...so I had cheese and other semi-bad stuff tonight (no sugar dessert though!)...and the NEW YEARS CRACKDOWN restarts tomorrow. ;-) Part of me recognizes the tendency to use things as EXCUSES to satisfy my addictions. The other part is sick of being fat. I hope the second part wins and I plan to help it along...tomorrow.

Refreshed

This weekend was everything last weekend wasn't in terms of relaxing and I feel SO much the better for it! Well, Saturday maybe not so much relaxing, but still VERY great.

Saturday morning we got up early to drive to DB's pregnant Teacher Daughter's house for breakfast and to have Christmas. Problem was that we and Mommy Daughter (DB's oldest) had arrived just before us and no one had apparently told Teacher Daughter that we were definitely coming (yes, DB was apparently supposed to confirm!). Oh well, we brought breakfast and presents and had a great time. :-)

After that, we went to Mommy Daughter's house for a birthday party for her 3-year-old, Little Princess. Little Princess was the first baby I saw VERY young...15 minutes old...she is very special to me for that. :-) It's amazing that she is such a PERSON now...so articulate for a 3-year-old (probably 'cause her sister, Princess, is almost 8). We had a ball. :-)

Then we headed to some of our best friends' house (also up near the daughters -- 30-40 minutes from us) just to say hi and Merry Christmas. They ended up giving us drinks, appetizers and DINNER. Again, we had a ball. :-) They are going skiing with us in Utah in 4 weeks and we can't wait. These are some truly dear and special friends I got thru DB.

Sunday? We slept. DB slept almost literally ALL DAY!! ;-) We got up around 11. I made breakfast (French toast...low fat). I headed to the computer and joined DB back in bed at 1. We got up again at 3! I did yoga, but DB literally slept most of the rest of the day (except eating dinner and watching Paris, Je T'aime...great flick).

Yesterday, my mom came over at 11:30 and we headed out at noon. DB had no idea where he was driving to! My secret plan? A great luxurious inn in Ojai, dinner at a famous restaurant and REST. The inn was lovely...we had a living room with fireplace, flat screen tv, etc., a kitchenette, large bedroom with super fantastic smooshy comfy king bed, etc. Our dinner was less perfect...outside...lovely, but COLD. They provided lap blankets, but my feet practically had frostbite after dinner (pate, scallops, ice cream dessert). We cruised the lovely grounds afterwards, but couldn't wait to get back to our fireplace...where we snuggled up with jammies and watched Bowfinger (hilariosu Steve Martin/Eddie Murphy movie) until midnight when we had the New Year's Kiss to End All New Year's Kisses. Started at midnight minus 20 seconds and went on and on................

Today we slept in (again...aaahhhh), had breakfast in Ojai then took the long road home along the ocean. Checked out lots of possible beach camping sites for a future trip with the kids then home to OUR beach for sunset and wondering why ever leave when we live in paradise? :-) Mexican dinner (not too fatty) and now DB is sleeping off the margaritas and I'm having another before the total NEW YEARS CRACKDOWN.

Tomorrow...I'm losing weight. Seriously.

For today, Happy New Year to all...again. :-)