Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fantastic exercise weekend with a "but"

I exercised all three days this weekend and my body feels it and it feels GOOD. I love how exercise makes me more aware of different muscles in my body. I love how it makes me feel aware, period.

Saturday I went to the gym, Sunday to yoga and yesterday to the gym. I also walked Doglet on Saturday and Sunday (short walks, but still) and spent three hours on my feet walking around an outlet mall yesterday!

The "but": I drank too much. Not only does this result in more calories from the alcohol, but I tend to snack more too. NOT good. :-( I'm struggling with finding a "treat" that is not food or drink because somehow I really think I deserve it or need it. Bea wrote something recently that I copied and have been thinking about because I relate to it SO much: "I resented (and resent) not being able to function as a child. I resented (and resent) having to comfort rather than be comforted. In never receiving comfort I never learned how to comfort myself. I stumbled onto the anesthetic powers of food early. I have held on tightly ever since." This resonated tremendously with me...it's food or drink for me now...used to be cigarettes. But it's always SOMEthing that I see as a treat that I feel I need or deserve for whatever reason. And it's really hard for me to fight past that...somehow my desire to lose weight is not stronger than the pull for this "comfort". At least not yet. This is something I'm working through in my head and I'm sure I'll blog more about it during that process, but this is the beginning of that.

In getting ready for a banquet tonight in honor of one of our partners (where one of my favorite artists, Tom Waits, will be performing) and pre-ski trip, I did quite a bit of shopping this weekend. Bought some new ski pants, long underwear and turtlenecks. Then DB and I went looking for a new ski coat (the one I have is probably not warm enough for how cold it will be in Utah). Unfortunately, I am apparently at least an XL in women's ski coats and we didn't find almost ANY in two stores we went to. I liked a couple of the men's coats (where I wear a large), but DB said they looked "masculine". I felt really really bad that I am so fat that I end up having to wear clothese that look masculine to him. :-( I know he didn't mean to make me feel bad and was just being honest and I really do not blame him for me feeling bad. I just am ultra sensitive about my size right now.

I'm really ANGRY that there aren't more larger ski coats for women (and pants too, by the way...VERY hard to find large ones). There is no reason larger women can't ski (they have XL and XXL MEN's sizes all over the place). But without the appropriate gear, you really can't. And if you can't even find any clothes that fit then you can't go. It makes me very sad because I'm a size 12 or 14 in most clothes and that is NOT so huge that a person can't ski (or do anything else) for God's sake!!!! Grrrrrrr. Very upset about this. I'm headed out to look for a ski coat at lunchtime today and hope to have more positive results.

DB is back (yay!) and I am so happy to see his beautiful face every day again (even though he has a cold and we can't kiss on the lips for fear I'll get sick pre-vacation)!!! So that's the positive note to end on (inspired by Vickie's and Ann's posts today). :-)


Cindy164 said...

That's really BS about the ski size - I hate that kind of stuff. Seems no matter what size I am, though, I have trouble finding it in what it is I want. I love how exercise makes my body feel, too. And the benefits are so many, they go on and on. Good for you, and don't worry about the but, there is always a but. And for me there is always a butt...a kinda big one, too. I just keep working on accepting me the way I am and working towards constant, even if subtle, improvement.

Vickie said...

I have BROAD shoulders so have the same problem with coats - I feel very claustraphobic in many of them. Landsend????

Sally Parrott Ashbrook said...

More than one glass of alcohol leads to snackiness for me, too--all my sense of self goes out the window. It's really rather bizarre since I don't get smashed, so it's not like I lose other inhibitions, and I'm not even hungry when I do it.

It sounds like you're doing a good job of working through using food as a reward. I have found I don't have to disconnect food as reward entirely because sometimes a great piece of something sweet or a great meal is very rewarding. But finding comfort in other places than food is certainly important. As I've written about, I've realized in the last year that often when my first instinct is to eat, my actual need is for something else, whether it's comfort (cuddles with my husband), rest (going to bed), or whatever. I make a point of getting massages occasionally as a way of generally boosting my well-being. (We work the money for that into our budget. I'm worth it!) And now when I get the urge to eat at odd times, I stop and sometimes literally close my eyes and ask myself what I'm really wanting. If it's not food but is something else, I go get whatever the something else is or do whatever the something else is right away.

Vickie said...

Colleen had EVERYONE up in assisted wheels today. None of us were pretty - but we were all up with the help of Colleen and a strap.