Sugar is not a term of endearment to me

Today's topic: SUGAR.

I am not a sugar person. I will ALWAYS take a chip or something salty (including salad or a vegetable) over something sugary. It's not that I don't LIKE sugar, it's just that it's not the treat I would ever choose given a choice. (I think this is because my mom is a sugaraholic and we always had sugary treats as children, but never chips.) Unfortunately, at Christmastime, the choices are usually sugar and more sugar. And, being a human being, I do partake.

But I have noticed over the past week of food debauchery that it's really REALLY yucky to my system:

1. The aftertaste is truly horrible -- some kind of combination of yuck and more yuck.
2. My body feels almost instantly bloated. I haven't been on a scale this week (scared), but all my muscle tone seems to be jiggling around as flab...after less than a week of eating some sugar every day! :-(
3. Even though the aftertaste is horrible and it makes me feel cranky, lethargic and generally YUCK, my body craves MORE. I can eat jillions of calories of donut (for example) for breakfast and I am WAY hungrier for lunch...or whatever SUGAR I can find lurking in the office, pantry or drawer.

Noticing all this is new. My body is reacting like a true addict (something with which I am unfortunately familiar due to years of battling an addiction to smoking) -- my body/mind (I think addiction involves both) craves the thing that is bad for it (in this case, sugar) and nags at me until its irrational hunger is fed.

Sooo...I can't wait for the holiday sugar orgy to be over and to get back to really "clean" eating. But there is still that vat of toffee in my fridge that I just can't seem to let go... ;-)

We'll hopefully be watching the ball drop in NYC from a playground in Central Park (no Times Square for me, NO THANKS!)...wishing everyone a wonderful, healthy New Year!

I'm SO MySpacey

I just nabbed this off another blog that I linked to through someone on AFG and it feels sooo MySpacey (is anyone else out there who is over 30 on MySpace?!) that I just had to have fun with it while I sit here waiting for DB to come get me for (sushi) dinner (bold are ones I've done except where I can't figure out how to delete her bolds! -- how 'bout you?):

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain (well, a SMALL one!)
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula

7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer (I didn't do this one, but can't figure out how to unbold for some reason!! Ahhh...maybe 'cause I don't even know how to have 2 hard drives!)
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (well, I've done two cleanses and it's not REAL food!)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest (nope, didn't do this...again, can't unbold from where I copied it from!)
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror (at the theatre!)
96. Raised children (well, working on it..)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
99. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
100. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
101. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
102. Had plastic surgery
103. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
104. Wrote articles for a large publication
105. Lost over 100 pounds
106. Held someone while they were having a flashback
107. Piloted an airplane
108. Touched a stingray
109. Broken someone’s heart (actually, I'm not sure)
110. Helped an animal give birth
111. Won money on a T.V. game show
112. Broken a bone
113. Gone on an African photo safari
114. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
115. Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
116. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
117. Ridden a horse
118. Had major surgery
119. Had a snake as a pet
120. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
121. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
122. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
123. Visited all 7 continents
124. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
125. Eaten kangaroo meat
131. Touched a cockroach

126. Eaten sushi

127. Had your picture in the newspaper

128. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

129. Gone back to school

130. Parasailed

131. Touched a cockroach (why is this here twice?!)
132. Eaten fried green tomatoes
133. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
134. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
135. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (yikes, sorry, NO WAY)
136. Skipped all your school reunions
137. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
138. Been elected to public office
139. Written your own computer language
140. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
141. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
142. Built your own PC from parts
143. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
144. Had a booth at a street fair
145. Dyed your hair
146. Been a DJ
147. Shaved your head
148. Caused a car accident
149. Saved someone’s life

I'm still a beginner!

In SO many ways, but in this case, I'm talking about this blog. Vickie let me know that for some reason I had my comments set so no one could make a comment unless they were a "team member". Well, since I'm the whole "team" here, that's pretty restrictive, eh? ;-) Not sure how that happened, but I've fixed it (at least I hope I have...).

Feeling very very poochy today -- I've been eating WAY too much meat the past few days and it does not digest through my system. Oh, and the superexcellent toffee bucket I receive from a client late last week probably doesn't help much either! ;-) At least it's not all gone -- I've hidden it in my fridge and have actually managed to forget it -- most of the time! ;-)

All this overdoing has really made me ready to get back to it seriously next week. I'm already pulling way back...and feeling much better for it. The real splurges have only happened over the past week (since the slippery potluck), so hopefully the damage isn't TOO bad.

I'm looking forward to NYC, but have SO much to do before then (again, good to be busy, hard to stuff face while running around packing, taking down tree, shopping for trip, etc.). I wish I didn't have to be at the office this week, but silly law firms really feel like they have to be open (even though I have gotten a total of ONE phone call and maybe 5 e-mails all week). Of course, there is plenty of catching up I could be doing, but somehow I'd rather not... ;-)

Fun, tiring WONDERFUL Christmas!

The past several days have been a whirlwind of fun and family and (unfortunately) food. I'm pooped!!

After the potluck last week, I tossed the diet to the wind a bit...I still tried to not overeat too much, but it has been hard with all the treats (salty and sweet) and egg nog that have wandered into my range of vision...and my mouth! Truthfully, I'm trying not to feel TOO bad. I am not a one who thinks that eating a piece of broccoli and grilled chicken on Christmas is EVER going to work for me...I'll never want to be thin enough where giving up ALL pleasureful food on special occasions will happen. There is nothing like sharing treats with my family and friends...we all know we're being "bad", but it tastes so good!!

I will try to get back on the wagon gradually this week, although we are off to NYC this Saturday and I will have less control over what is available to eat (even though my sister who we are visiting has been watching her weight too). Hopefully all the walking will help. I think I'll skip weighing this week and jump back on the wagon next week.

On non-food notes: I had sooo much fun over the past days! We had a wonderful Christmas celebration with DB's daughters and their families (including the darling and beloved 3 1/2 grandchildren) on Saturday. Everyone loved their gifts and the best one I got was the continued acceptance of my into DB's family by his girls and grandgirls, etc. I am overwhelmed sometimes with how lucky I am to not only have found DB, but also to have been so blessed with these girls (and soon grandboy) to love too.

Christmas Eve was a bit quieter. My mom came up in the afternoon and a friend from SF also arrived. We all went to (our traditional) Indian dinner, then drove around looking at lights (the past couple of years, we have walked the canals to look at lights after dinner, but this year, Mommy's feet were hurting and I'm still not totally up to lots of walking with the knee). Then home to play games (90s Trivial Pursuit and Scene It) before bed.

As always, Santa was very very good to me. In addition to just being so grateful to be with my mom and DB, the gifts were pretty great this year. My most special is the diamond heart necklace from DB...I have never received such a beautiful piece of jewelry from a man and it surprised me a little at how emotional I was (even though I really really really wanted some romantic heart jewelry...I wasn't sure DB remembered...it really meant A LOT to me that he did).

After the gifts on Christmas Day, DB and I headed up to his parents' house (about an hour and a half away) to visit with another part of his (big Irish Catholic) family! Fun!! A sister of DB who I had never met was visiting from Texas) and his brother (who also lives in TX and who is just fantastic) were both visiting along with assorted grandkids. It was a great time with lots of relatives (not something I ever had experience with being one of two kids and not ever having been close with extended family). We had a campfire in the bbq out overlooking the mountains and ocean...and all 5 bedrooms in the house were full on Christmas night! :-)

Tonight I've gotta take down the Xmas tree, then tomorrow more Xmas with friends then Saturday off to NYC!

Wishing a very happy healthy New Year to all!!

Potluck

The slippery slope continued today with my firm's staff potluck lunch. I took a "red and green tossed salad) -- very yummy and very healthy. Unfortunately, at the end of the potluck, it was apparent that no one wants to eat salad at Christmas! :-) This means that I have a heckuva lot of salad left to eat over the coming days. This is not a bad thing -- I am one who also doesn't want to eat salad at Christmas so having it here tonight after indulging (pumpkin date bread, how do I love thee?) a bit too much today was a very good thing. Tonight dinner is SALAD. (And probably tomorrow and...)

I did my weigh in this morning and was THRILLED to see that I had gained a wee 1.5 pounds since last week. (I admit it's a good thing that this was BEFORE the potluck...I feel like I can barely breathe this evening!) If I can keep this up until next week, I'll have made it through the worst and can buckle down again (not to mention that I will be in NYC over New Years and will get a lot of inadvertent exercise with all the walking).

Had Christmas with my best friend last night and our dinner was: SALAD. It was a yummy treat salad that I don't get much anymore because the dressing is BAD, but it was still a SALAD of all the things we could have chosen. I felt good about that.

Now I'm just all hyped up about Christmas...so much stuff happening over the next few days -- Christmas with DB's kids' families, then with my mom and DB on Xmas Eve, then up to DB's parents to see some of his sibs on Christmas night into Boxing Day. It doesn't sound too relaxing, but I am so looking forward to all of it because it means no more shopping! I absolutely LOVE to shop, but this Christmas I think I am shopped out for the first time in my life. ;-) Probably because we're extreme shopping with looking for houses and finances are scary when that is in the mix...

On the very good chance that I won't be here again until after Christmas and on the off chance that ANYONE even reads this (!), I wish you all the happiest of holidays and love and laughter in the coming year.

I just ate a cookie...

...BIG mistake.

(I don't even really LIKE sweets. But I felt like I deserved to join in with the festivities and this is the first "bad" thing I've eaten. It was yummy. BUT now my mouth feels icky and I'll crash soon. Do you think that walking/shopping at lunchtime -- which I haven't done in a LONG time -- will balance out my transgression?)

;-)

A weirdly different day

I don't recommend this, but I have lost quite a bit at my weigh-in today because I was vomit-sick last night! It's UNBELIEVABLE how much difference something small like that makes. I actually am down over 4 pounds from last week. WEIRD.

Today I think I'll be on broth/soup so hopefully can keep at least a little of this "false loss".

It still felt good to see that weight this morning (lower than it's been since the beginning finally!)...even while my belly still hurts! ;-)

I think it would be a nice gift from the universe if I am allowed to keep this loss...whaddya say? :-)

Getting real

OK, I give up...there is no realistic way that I am going to lose weight over the holidays. There is just TOO much partying and it's just too depressing to COMPLETELY say "no". ;-)

SO, my new goal: MAINTAIN over the next couple of weeks then hit the diet again HARD in January. By the way, this is not my license to myself to eat anything and everything that comes into my house, office or line of sight (LOL)...I still will eat low-fat, low-cal most of the time, but I will not hate myself if I have ONE cracker from the gift basket I just received (for example) or if I don't lose anything the next couple of weeks. Of course, I hope that by some miracle I will still lose...it's happened for me before at Christmastime, but with my inability to really exercise (darn slow recovery from knee surgery), it's unlikely this year.I'll still weigh-in each Thursday (or more often) to make sure I don't lose control.

I sure wish I could exercise... :-(

I'm not sure how much I weigh but it's not GOOD :-(

Yesterday (my weigh-in day) I got on the scale and it showed that I was up FIVE POUNDS in the past two weeks since Thanksgiving. I took a good long look at that scale, then I took a good long look at the way I've been festivitizing the past couple of weeks. For me, it's not the cookies or cakes or candy that is really the problem. For me, it's volume. And it's also (to be totally honest) drinking. I have a few glasses of wine and my willpower goes out the window so I have:

- just one more glass of wine (or 3)
- just one more salmon hors d'oeuvre (or 5)
- just FIVE MORE POUNDS on my butt!!

Sooooo...I've decided that I must only drink at parties/special occasions (i.e., no, having dinner at friends' house while watching tv is NOT a party!). And I've GOT to get a grip.

Did very well yesterday. And today the scale is down 2 pounds.

I don't believe that darn scale! Last week it said I was up and I felt skinny, this week it says I'm up and I feel FAT. But I am hanging on to the fact that it is still DOWN from when I started.

But I will not be in denial about what it says. It's not good. I hope it's better next week...but this is a darn hard time of year to do this...

In Search of...Motivation

Tis the season to...be unmotivated! Things are stressful lately -- work, selling house, buying house, moving in with DB -- lots of things which are happy, but stressful. If anyone is out there and happened to read the now-deleted rant from very late on Sunday night you know that DB and I had a big fight...probably not unrelated to all this stress to be honest. The happy part about that was the post-fight talk...such a relief to be able to talk with someone and feel pretty darn sure that they are on the same wavelength as you even though sometimes you feel a million miles away. I think we really are ready to make the big living together step and I couldn't be happier!! :-)

But...in the past weekend of parties every night (yes, EVERY NIGHT) and then the blow-up, I have been careless with the eating (and drinking). I am still feeling thinner and MORE in control, but not IN CONTROL. I need motivation. I know the only place to find it is inside. I'm having a hard time with all of that with no ability to go to yoga (my refuge) until my knee is at least a little better (and I'm sure I have had a setback on that too after dancing non-stop for about 3 hours, ok, maybe 2, at my office party last Friday!).

Discombobulated. That's how I'm feeling. And it's hard to have discipline when that's in effect.

Going out (on-line) now to look for inspiration...

As I feared

As I feared, the weigh-in this morning was disappointing. Up 1.4 pounds from last Thursday. That makes my net loss since October 17 only about 7-8 pounds. I'm disappointed because I really felt very slim yesterday...and today too, actually. How can the scale not agree with how I feel? :-(

I guess it's back to being more severe on the diet: need to cut back more wine, eat less at night (I am GREAT during the day...never eat more than 500 calories until evening and usually eat more like 400 or less...but evenings I want my "treats"). At least I can exercise a little now since my knee is getting better. But I'm afraid that might actually make my weight go UP as I gain muscle.

Feeling kind of stressed with potential house-buying and -selling on the horizon and my mom going in for a thyroid aspiration tomorrow to check on a growth that they found. All this makes for me feeling like I "need" my treats/comfort more, I guess.

In addition to all this, I've got my firm's holiday party tomorrow night...I know that I won't be perfect, but I will try to be "better". :-)

On to next week and a LOSS!

Scary Weigh-In Tomorrow

While I've still been reading everyone's blogs, I notice that I haven't written one myself since Thanksgiving. It's probably for the same reason that I tend not to write down foods in my on-line calorie journal in the evenings -- I'm afraid to admit what I ate!! But, to be honest, I don't think I did that badly on Thanksgiving -- I had one and a half plates of food and only one piece of my famous sweet potato pie. Despite this relative low intake, I was incredibly, uncomfortably full the whole rest of the day (we eat at about 3:30) so I didn't eat another thing until the next day. We had a couple of DB's grandkids over the weekend so there was a lot of eating out and snacking and I wasn't perfect although I think I did well at being aware while ordering. I guess the proof will be on the scale tomorrow...unlike past weeks, I haven't been tempted to "cheat" and get on between weigh-ins this week. :-)

I did really get back with the program on Monday and have been doing well since. I actually FEEL pretty good -- have on some pants today that are actually loser than I remember them being for a long time. I hope that is a good sign.

DB and I are thinking of buying a house together and I need to sell mine in order to do this...all this real estate action can be stressful so maybe that (along with some more exercising than I've been able to do since my surgery) is helping burn the calories. I hope so!!

Wish me luck...I'll be back tomorrow with the news whether good or bad.

P.S.

I maintained my weight this week...and I couldn't be happier...I was SURE I had gained! I guess that's for next week...after the feast today...or HOPEFULLY NOT!! :-)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

May you all have a wonderful day full of all good things. Or, at the very least, a moment of extreme thankfulness for at least one thing in your life...I believe we all have at least ONE. Today I am thankful for:

-My sweetheart, DB: To find the true love of my life, to have him be such a good person, such a loving man, such a brilliant mind, such a fun playmate...wow, not too many people are that lucky. Thank you, Universe!

-My mom: So happy to have her living close by these past years so she can join my traditional feast! She's remarkable and I love her. :-)

-Family: A surprise of 4 more people to eat the too much food I always cook -- one of DB's daughters and her family!! I love it and my WHOLE extended family and...

-Friends: So many to love...so lucky so many love me back!

-Beautiful day: Here in Venice, it's a nice 70 degrees...all the windows and doors are open to the sunshiney day. :-)

-Everything else: My list of things that I am thankful for is very very long...and I've got to get back to cooking!!

Abundance and Scarcity

On this day before the day of ultimate abundance, I'm realizing I will be scarce around here for the long weekend...and I hope that I make it through without putting (back) on too much weight.

Since I am the chef tomorrow, I have a lot of control over what goes into the food. This allows me to use reduced/low fat and calorie ingredients a lot. But the stuffing will have loads of butter, the pies will have butter and sugar and, well, let's just say that moderation is not my strongest virtue!! Add this to the fact that my weigh-in day is tomorrow...not sure what that will mean.

I've been trying not to get on the scale more than once a week, but some days I can't resist. Like this morning...I was feeling oh-so-thin so I thought I'd give myself a boost and see what old Miss Scale had to say. BIG MISTAKE! I was up a pound and a half from last week! YIKES. I don't think I've been THAT bad so I figure its (a) pre-menstrual, or (b) I'm getting muscles back since I've been able to exercise a bit this week. The truth is that I still FEEL a lot thinner than I did a month ago...even if Miss Scale was right and I've only now lost 7 pounds since mid-October. :-(

After tomorrow, we've got a busy weekend -- off to get two of DB's granddaughters for a couple of days -- they are 6 and 2 and we have SO much fun with them!! (Yes, he started young and so did his kids...I consider myself lucky to get the benefits of grandparenthood without ever having to actually have children myself!!). I hope I can be "good" with any food temptations that come my way...

Another cute thing -- I had a guy try to pick me up in the grocery store yesterday! I was feeling cute so that really made my day. I'm glad to know that I've still got it...at least a little! ;-)

Abundance...there is so much of that in my life. Scarcity...not much. :-)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Weekend Treats

I seem to fall down a bit on the weekends. I drink too much and that leads to eating too much. :-( But the weekend rolls around and I want a treat (or treats!). I want something to celebrate another week of work is done, another weekend is to be enjoyed. The concept of treats is a big one for me...when I quit smoking, I had to come up with something else as a "treat" (that's in quotes because how could I ever think smoking a stinky cigarette was a treat?!) for those moments when I needed one...

So I drank a little bit more. I indulged eating a little bit more. So many ways to get that oral "treat". But allowing myself those treats has gradually let to my gaining this weight. Now I'm struggling to figure out what treats can replace food and drink. Like cigarettes, they are easily available, don't take much time, and give a quick rush of pleasure. What else is there that is like that?

Here's where I confess that I do have a real need to indulge in pleasure. And I know that there are so many things that give pleasure to me...in fact, I think there are maybe too many things...maybe I just grab onto food, drink (or smokes) because they are the EASY pleasures. And I get actually distressed if I think I have to curtail my pleasures. Maybe this blog should be called Hedonistic Helly's Belly? ;-)

I need to remember that there is pleasure in abstinence sometimes too...but that is more challenging. Oh yeah, a lot more.

Happy

After that last post, I just HAVE to add that I have been incredibly happy this week. It has been to the extent that I have looked at an astrology site to see if there is some kind of weird happy alignment of the planets (didn't see anything). There's been no huge reason for this wonderful feeling of contentment/joy, but here are some things that probably added to my glow:

- DB came back from a week out of town. :-) I just love this man so much. Words truly cannot express. We have so much fun together. It's AWESOME.

- Got a lot of work done despite a terrible computer meltdown at my office yesterday. Satisfying.

- Looking forward to Bill Maher taping tonight. Fun!

- Looking forward to babysitting some friends' 5-month-old tomorrow night.

- Looking forward to more house-shopping this weekend. I love this so much that I often wonder if I should be a real estate agent. But I'm not really a salesperson and I have a feeling that it wouldn't be quite as much fun if I wasn't shopping for myself! ;-)

- Probably MOST OF ALL I'm looking forward to my favorite holiday next week!! Thanksgiving is so terrific because there is no gift pressure, no family pressure, just eating, drinking and being merry with friends and family and being GRATEFUL for all I have. AND 4 days off work. I do the cooking (which I love) so I try to make things as healthy as possible (it's good to have control of this on a Big Eating Day). I'm even going to try a crustless pumpkin pie this year.

OK, that's it, I must be looking forward to next Thursday...when I can wallow in my thankfulness for how lucky I am. :-)

Hormones

I've been on bio-identical hormones for a little over a year. About a month ago, my doctor changed my dosage (the great thing about this HRT is that it comes in drops so you can, theoretically, regulate your intake more naturally like the body does). The idea with this is to keep me healthy and more vibrant longer (no, I'm not THAT old and I don't want to be before my time!). If you're interested, the best thing to do is to read Suzanne Somers' The Sexy Years which is a good laywoman's description.

Anyway, since I started the new hormone regimen a month ago:

- I have not had a period although one was due about 2 1/2 weeks ago. Despite this, as I discussed with my doctor, I have continued with the hormone regimen as if the period did happen.

- Most disturbingly, I am having more hot flashes than before I switched to the new regimen! (I was having teeny ones once a day or so when I started the HRT last year, but they had pretty much disappeared.) When I told my doctor, she suggested that I increased the estrogen dose slightly, but the hot flashes are getting more frequent rather than less frequent. :-( When I got them before, they were only once a day and late in the afternoon. Now I'm getting them sometimes in the morning AND a couple of times in the afternoon. :-(

No period and more hot flashes?! From this, it is clear to me that the dosage I am on now is not working. Of course I've e-mailed my doc to see what is up, but this is very frustrating. It's bad enough to be in menopause at such a young age (and I'm sure the hormonal changes don't help my weight situation either!), but to be religiously taking something that's supposed to be helping and have it make things WORSE is a pain!

I don't want to complain too much because the truth is that my flashes are TEENY next to what my mom says she went through for many many years. I'm trying to make sure that doesn't happen to me!

I wish I knew someone else who was on this type of HRT...

Somehow the loss continues!

Today is weigh-in day and I am very happy to say that I've lost 3 pounds since last Thursday!! This means I have DEFINITELY lost 9 pounds since October 17 (now that I have a good scale, I can be SURE of what I'm losing).

I have been really good, but I have also gone a little over my calorie total a couple of days. The difference between now and the last couple of years when I've been half-heartedly trying to lose weight is that I get back on the wagon IMMEDIATELY when I go over rather than saying "oh well, I blew it, might as well have some chips!" ;-) This is a LOT like when I quit smoking -- I lost a lot of quits by just going back to full-on smoking after one slip. BUT it's not like quitting smoking in that I can't have one single cigarette EVER whereas I have to eat! Sooo...harder? Maybe a bit.

Tomorrow night, I am going to see the Bill Maher show taping so I have to plan ahead with food -- rather than buying some fast food on the way over to the studio, I'll bring an extra Healthy Choice meal to my office and eat it before I leave. :-)

So...I've got 20 pounds to go until my goal weight (at least I think I'll be happy at that weight). And I'm off... :-))

Oh Happy Day!

Today I went to see my old orthopedic doctor (who hadn't done my surgery since I absolutely hate with a pink and purple passion how his office is run though I LOVE him) because I am hating the doctor who actually did the surgery (not only did he give me horrible/no post-op instructions and completely wrong post-op expectations, he's one of those guys who says "hi sweetie" very insincerely...I hate that in any guy, but in a doctor, it's actually WORSE!). Anyway, my old-now-new doc is just great...agreed that his office sucks and gave me a real course for post-op treatment to get the swelling down (it's been 6 weeks and no real improvement in swelling) and get healed. :-) He confirmed that I should have had the surgery (I was afraid maybe not since I'm not trusting the doc who did it)...saying I had the knee of an 85-year-old woman pre-surgery!! Wow. The BEST part of the whole appointment? He's given me a new physical therapy prescription that will really pump up the jam on my exercise -- which will help with the weight loss!! I am THRILLED.

On top of this, I heard from a long-lost friend today that I had been worried about. He's OK...whew!

Feeling kind of poochy today but not sure why since I've been ultra "good" since starting the diet. OK, well, I did have a party a week ago and drank a wee bit too much which leads to eating a wee bit too much too -- I think I went over 1000 calories over my limit that day -- eek! And did something similar although less bad last Saturday...but I've still been losing so I haven't beat myself up too much. But if when I weigh in on Thursday I'm up as I fear, I'm going to have to buckle down more.

Sigh...I do wish this was easier and faster, but I know better. Most days. ;-)

Discouragement

Today I planned to walk my doggie again since it was so nice to move my body that way yesterday, but I got caught up on the phone with my DB (Dear Boyfriend) who is out of town and got a scary call about one of his daughters (she had an ectopic pregnancy that they just found last night and had to rush her to the hospital...all seems well now). So I headed out to look at new houses (DB and I are thinking about buying a place together) with my agent and figured I'd get some exercise that way. Which I did until the house that was my favorite pre-shopping trip tried to kill me!! I slipped on some polished stone steps, tore up my hand and arm and, WORST of all, screwed up my knee which was finally starting to heal from surgery in late September!! I was luckily wearing my brace or who knows how much worse it would have been. As it is, I am hugely set back...can't walk anywhere near normally, knee is hugely swollen again and it HURTS. I am not sure whether to head to the doctor or not first thing tomorrow...am leaning toward hitting physical therapy and seeing what they say first. BUT, this means MORE time before I can really exercise again. I am extremely sad about this. Very hard to lose weight when you can't do more than hobble. :-( Oh well...hoping for better day tomorrow...

Encouragements

Last night I went out to dinner with a friend to a pretty "dangerous" restaurant -- Italian, full of huge pasta dishes and salads with fatty dressings. I steeled myself for some plain chicken and steamed veggies to go with my (splurge) wine. But, lo and behold, a miracle: they have a "low carb" option with their pastas -- you can get the delish pasta sause on mixed seasonal veggies!! Oh joy!! I got a low-fat spicy seafood sauce on the veggies and it felt like a huge treat. YUMMY. :-) I am lucky living in California, I guess, where restaurants to cater more to people trying to eat healthy.

In addition, my friend who I hadn't seen in a few weeks told me she really thought I looked great, i.e., had lost weight. This along with my new ACCURATE scale is great encouragement to me. It's fun to try to eat yummily and WELL...I haven't really done that in a few years and it feels great.

Finally, my physical therapist told me that I could take my doglet for a walk if I wear my (ankle to thigh) brace. I am so excited about this...real exercise!

Tonight I'm having some friends over for dinner so am off to the Farmer's Market very soon to get supplies...all in all, am looking forward to a fun and healthy day!

The Horrible Number

Well, here we go with my first rant...I hope you don't mind: on October 17 I accidentally found out The Horrible Number (yes, my weight). I have made every effort over the past three years to NOT know THN (funny what those initials are reminiscent of!): I turn my back at all my doctors' offices and make them promise not to tell me THN. Well, on that day at my gynecologist's I did the usual routine -- told them I would turn my back on the scale, not look down and please not to tell me THN. Somehow my eyes just couldn't look away though when she was writing THN on my chart. OK, now I won't even tell YOU, anonymous readers, what THN is! THN was made even more horrible by the fact that I was certain that I had lost at least 5 pounds (maybe more) since I had knee surgery on September 28...

So I started thinking A LOT since the revelation of THN. I was less upset with THN than I could be -- after all, this means I have a mere 30 pounds to lose before getting to a nice weight and last time I lost 120 (yes, I'm not thinking of losing down as low as I did before this time...I was WAY too skinny then and I'm estimating that my best weight is a bit higher than my lowest weight). And it's not a total shock. But I'm still terribly upset that I've let myself gain around 30 pounds in the last 3 years since I quit smoking. I remember when I was thinner that I absolutely KNEW that I would never get fat again. I think that certainty must have ended when I stopped weighing myself in order to not go back to smoking just to remain thin. I shouldn't have stayed away from the scale so long though...

And that's where I am. I ordered a scale on-line from Target. I planned to leave it at my office because for some reason, I don't want to emphasize THN and its impact on me to my boyfriend. I shudder to think what he would think if he knew how much I weigh (I know how much he weighs...why aren't men as reluctant to tell anyone how much they weigh?!). I did tell him on that Horrible Day that I found out my weight, that I have joined a calorie-counting website and that I bought the scale, but that I would NEVER tell him how much I weigh. Ever. He looked me up and down and said "I know how much you weigh". That made me SICK. Seriously. I almost cried at the thought that he might know my horrible secret. I told him that he can never do that again. That this weight is seriously emotional and difficult for me. It is. The next morning he told me that I definitely had already lost weight. :-) He does get it, bless him!

I also talked with my sister and we talked about all our issues with weight (she was always the thin one...I got thinner than her for a minute in late 1996...my most emaciated period and, of course, she was 8 months pregnant!). She joined Weight Watchers this June to lose 15 pounds (all she needs to lose!) and is just now at her goal weight. She told me that her husband (of 19 years) does not know (and never has known) how much she weighs. WHY is this so shameful to us women? Why? It's very sad.

Anyway, I've already lost at least 6 pounds (I've had some scale accuracy issues so am not really sure...but by next week should be consistently with a particular scale so will be accurate) and I am really extra determined. It will be hard to have any quick results since my exercising is so limited for the foreseeable future. But I am doing well considering, so I'm very hopeful.

Cross your fingers!!!